Read What Others Have Shared
(March 2000)

There Is Hope In Knowing That You Are Not Alone

March 30, 2000
From : JoAnna Sustaita

Hi I am a 32 year old female. I have three boys and two of them suffer with depression. My boys each have different signs of depression along with attenton/hyperactivity problems. So they behavided different. I never really watched their actions to notice the depression. Their counselors said they have been suffering some depression. Well I would look up depression so that I could know more. I then noticed the signs. I then realized that I saw myself. I suffered from depression. I never thought about it untill now. I just thought that I was, actually I did not know what I have been going through. I did think that I was going crazy. That I was losen my mind. I really thought I was going crazy. I have been feeling so different from everyone. I feel so ugly and fat. Then my boys make me feel even worse. They don't understand when mom feels down or frustrated. They demand more then I can give them so it makes me feel like a failure and then depression comes in harder. I don't have! the income to go to a doctor to get medication and treated. So I am just trying to control my emotions. Then the whole house is in a uproar. Then it takes for ever to calm the house down. It does not help that my two oldest boys suffer from the same depression and hyperness. When are a fun site to watch from a distance. Sometimes I realize the craziness and start laughing out loud. My family freak out when I do this. But its funny sometimes. Picture this = Mom shaking her feet so fast that I can stir a bowl of cake mix. The boys going here and there in the home finding stuff to do. Then my husband trying to not get caught up in it all. Then one of us (not the husband) snaps and the whole house is turned up side down and everyone loud. Then like a flash its all calm. And my husband is the only one left in the living room. This is every day.

On a serious note. This depression does cause problems for me and my marriage. I have problems with sex. I just don't feel up to having it. And I know that it is hard on my husband. He says that he understands. But those who have never had to deal with this does not understand the other one. I find myself feeling so down and mixed that I eat and eat and eat. I get nerves and then eat more. I have gained over 30lbs in the last three years or so. And i can not get the weight off. Its caused more depression and the depression just keeps adding up on me.

I have been facing alot of failur feelings lately. I feel so so I can't explain it. I failed as a child in my father's eyes. Then I had ugly things done to me as a child. Then I failed as a teen by dropping out. I lost myself into drugs and alcohol. And sex. I got pregnant at the age of 17 and had a son. Then one at the age of 19 another son. Then at the age of 21 another son. I failed as a mother. I did not get my education and I can't keep a job. I feel that people are judging me and they are talking about me making fun of me. I get all confused and leave my jobs. I then feel that I have failed the most important one, God. I can't even get my spiritual walk straighten out. I have failed in every area of my life. And I have gotten very depressed over it. I am having a battle in my mind and emotions right now. But I am happy to know that I have someone or people to share my feelings with and they understand me. Thanks for listening.
Joanna

March 28, 2000
From : Amanda
E-mail : jenni_91@hotmail.com

I'm 16 right now and suffering from chronic depression. I had been really depressed months before for several weeks. This time I only waited 2 weeks before seeing a doctor, who told me to wait another week. I waited another 4 weeks before I went to see her again. This time I wasn't so much suicidal as constantly wanting to hurt myself, and evading everyone I knew. I didn't call anyone anymore, I pushed all my friends away, I had broken up with my boyfriend, I stopped my best-friend, mother-daughter relationship with my mom. I grew listless, terribly unhappy and depressed. Right now I am amazed because I've had half of a good day. It seems like forever since I've felt this happy! I'm very lucky in the sense that I never lost my faith during this time. I did feel worthless and guilty, and probably still will tomorrow. This webpage brought to mind God uses our weakness as another persons strength!

I still have to make another appointment with the doctor. I need to find another pill that can help me better. My boyfriend (I'm back together with him) is increadably supportful. A gift from God without a doubt. He doesn't seem to think so though! Hehe He's so cute! He suggested I let out some of my self-hatred in a sport of some kind, like Kickboxing. I really think something like that could help me a lot. I have so much to say, I can't write it all in one message, but this will have to do. =o) I know God has been there every step of the way, otherwise I am 100% certain I wouldn't be here without him!

God Bless You All and Good Luck In Your Lives
Remember God Loves you No MAtter What!!

~Amanda

March 27, 2000
From : Delaine Davis
E-mail : blesseddolly@hotmail.com

Hi! Wow! There are other people out there like me!! I thank God for your stories,what a blessing! Ive been searching for sites that would encourage me and be helpful in dealing with mental illness on a daily basis. As a child of God I deal with allot of guilt and self hate because of depression. I must spend allot of time reading and listening to messages on the internet just to keep my emotions right. Then when I get down I feel so useless, and I feel like Iam failing God. It is a up and down battle. I have had these problems since my teenage years and I am 41 now. They got worse as time went on. Ive been on different medications and only the last year or so I think Ive been on the right ones. I dont feel bad about taking them, I went through that stage. They do help me but I still battle with it. Right now I take paxil for depression, risperdal for my thoughts, and ritalin for ADD. I take too much of the ritalin, it helps me to focus but I like to stay up and study.

I have problems with boredom and loneliness. I also have had a physical illness for over a year which leaves me with no strength and pain and keeps me from going out much so I dont attend a church. If any of you would like to e-mail that would be great. I know that this is my burden to bear, but I find comfort in the fact that God still has a plan for me and loves me just the way I am. Thank you very much for sharing your stories and remember one day we will be perfect!!!! Love in Christ, Delaine

March 25, 2000
From :April

I have suffered from depression all of my life. I was sexually abused by two different people, plus endured other forms of abuse as well. After I left home, I was kidnapped. I am considered disabled because of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Chronic Depression, and Disassociative Disorder (I do not have multiple personalities, but escape within my mind).

I eventually sought counseling with a Christian counselor. I am doing much better, but depression is still a daily battle for me and probably will be for the rest of my life, along with anxiety attacks, and other problems.

When I quit seeing my counselor, we agreed that I had dealt with everything, and that I was "normal" considering everything I had went through. My normal is very different from society's normal though. And this causes problems.

It is especially true in the Christian circle. For some reason, Christians have a hard time dealing with other people who are depressed. I have felt more rejection from Christians than from any other group of people, and this is very sad.

I am tired of feeling like a second-class-Christian simply because I can't "turn everything over to God." God never promised to heal everyone, and I have accepted that I have not been healed.

The problem is that other Christians can't accept that. They keep wanting to put me in their little mold of what a Christian should be, and when I don't fit, they don't know how to handle it.

I still deal with all of my problems, but God has blessed me too. My disassociative disorder has actually created a gift (I don't think it was a coincidence either). All those years inside my mind trying to be anything except the pathetic, worthless, unloveable piece of dirt I was, enhanced my imagination.

I can not hold down a regular job, but I can write. I am beginning to share my writing. I have been rejected, but I think the people I see on this site will accept me because they know the pain I've been through because it is also a part of them.

Even though I know I will struggle the rest of my life, God has brought me from the depths of suicide. Many people will look at me and say I'm a failure, but those are the same people who refuse to walk in my steps and feel my pain. Only until they feel my pain, can they truly rejoice with me.

March 9, 2000

From : Diana

Hello, My name is Diana. I have been diagnosed with depression and have been struggling with being a Christian and "not trusting God" as others have said. I trusted God whole heartly... until the day I let go. I couldn't call myself a Christian and not be "healed" from depression. That choice cost me almost three years of my Christian life. Things are aweful here at home and it breaks my heart to know that my family has gone from a vital part of our church to being alone and struggling. But Praise God! I have re-dedicated my life today!!! I had been struggling with the choice to stay on medication and after this incrediable web page I know that my choice is to keep on with it. I want to be all God has planned and I can't do that if I'm simply struggling to survive. I love the Lord Jesus with all I am... and I'm so excited that he has saved me and opened up a world he created just for me.
Thank you for your encouraging words, I will keep each of you in my prayers, Diana

March  4, 2000

From : Tom

E-mail : thbaus@aol.com

I have been dealing with depression for most of my life, but only recently have I sought treatment for it. I am 29 years old and married to a wonderful Christian woman who has been supportive throughout my various battles. However, she is human and she does get tired as should be expected. Only Christ can perfectly meet all of our needs.
     
     The first time I sought counseling was around the time my father died unexpectedly in 1996. My wife was instrumental in encouraging me to see someone as she noticed that I just couldn't pull myself out of the darkness and gloom I was living in. The counselor referred me to a psychiatrist who put me on Paxil. It did wonders for my mood, but the irrational fears and anxieties continued. I went to various secular and Christian support groups(al-anon, A.A., and a Christian 12-step group) The support and fellowship in these groups helped me to address some of the underlying irrational beliefs and fears that had left me paralyzed(the Bible calls it "renewing the mind"). By hearing that other people battled the same feelings and frustrations it brought a sense of relief that I was not alone.

     However, the battle continues almost daily. I have been on 2 SSRI's(Paxil and Effexor), 1 anti-anxiety(busbar) and 1 other (Ritalin).  My psychiatrist just recently prescribed one of the newer anti-depressants that supposedly works on two different neurotransmitters(seratonin and norepinephrine) and has minimal side effects. The only problem is that I am going through one of those stages where I want to try and live apart from the meds. So, needless to say I need your prayers. The last time I tried this I sank down into a deep depression.

Let's face it, depression stinks. I know or at least I hope that God has a plan in all of this, but sometimes the pain and frustration seem unbearable. If I can give any advise or encouragement it would be this, pray to be involved in grace-full relationships. Seek grace-full relationships. Strive for grace-full relationships. We need safe people who will help to "bear our burdens." What I have found is that most people, Christian and non-Christian alike, have a difficult time understanding depression and try to offer easy, quick fix answers . I am not saying that this makes them bad people, it just means that they are not the people we should be entrusting ourselves to, sharing our deepest struggles with. I am already a master at beating myself up, I don't need someone else to join the party. Seek out someone who will go down to the depths with you. They are out there and God wants you to meet them. We need each other in the Body of Christ.

Thank you for letting me share,
Tom    

 

Back To "Read What Others Have Shared" Main Page / Back To Home Page / Read Stories Submitted in February, 2000