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"I'm Not Sensitive, You're Mean!"
by Sheri Olson Zampelli October 29, 1999 Many times in working with others, I find that being overly-sensitive and/or misinterpreting comments from others, can lead to many forms of self-sabotage. Take Colleen for example. A co-worker questioned her production methods in front of the boss. Colleen felt "mortified" and unable to attend work for the following three days. She was sure that her co-worker was out to get her and that her boss wanted to fire her. In truth, Colleen is an excellent employee and her co-worker's question was just that -- a question. It posed no threat to Colleen's job security. However, Colleen's method of dealing with the situation -- taking three days off -- could eventually lead to trouble. The sensitive person is sometimes aware of how his or her sensitivity leads to trouble. Other times it's easier to think, "I'm not sensitive, everyone else is mean." Colleen was convinced initially that her co-worker was vindictive, hateful and spiteful. Only with some coaxing and reframing was she able to see possible alternatives. Each of us is subject to misunderstandings from time to time. However, if you repeatedly feel that others are out to get you or that nobody really understands you, it might be time to look at your part in the problem. I believe that when a person feels overly sensitive or controlled by the comments and attitudes of others, it's because at some level they are afraid that the other person's comments are correct. For example, if I were to say "The sky is red" you probably wouldn't pay too much attention to me. You know the sky is not red so my comment has little effect on you. However, if I say, "You just don't know how to have a good time," my comment may feel like an attack because on some level you believe me. On some level you doubt your ability to have a good time or be fun. Perhaps you've been told time and again that you're no fun. Maybe you've been put down, criticized, demeaned or ridiculed by others. Perhaps you've continued the cycle by repeatedly criticizing, demeaning or ridiculing yourself. One of the first steps in overcoming over-sensitivity is changing how you view yourself. When you truly believe in your worth at a deep level, comments from others will have less power. This isn't to say nothing will ever bother you, but you can rebound more quickly and experience less detrimental effects. Using affirmations or positive self-talk is one way to build confidence. Take the following statements for example:
If you were to believe these statements on a deep level, can you see how you would feel more confident and less concerned with the comments or actions of others? There's another dynamic at play here. Our beliefs tend to dictate our behavior and our choices in life. When we feel helpless, stupid, powerless, worthless or boring we tend to attract people who validate our beliefs. Were someone to come along and tell us we were smart or capable, we'd probably think they were being sarcastic. We would not believe them because we don't believe it ourselves. When we don't believe in our abilities, we don't take action and when we don't take action, we prove ourselves right. I know a woman who dropped out of high school and got D's and F's on her report cards. She wanted to go back to school and get a college degree but felt that she couldn't because she was too "stupid". Eventually she was persuaded to give college a try. She was doing well in some subjects but in others she didn't even try because she "knew" she couldn't do it. Eventually she began to use affirmations such as, "I am smart, talented and capable" and "I am a fast learner." She was surprised to find that the more she worked on her self-talk, the easier school became. She started acting differently. She began to try versus dooming herself before she even had a chance. Believe it or not, that woman is now a graduate student with straight A's. Another concept to take into consideration is that we teach people how to treat us. The old adage, "actions speak louder than words" is all too true. For example, Christopher continually told his employees that they needed to be on time "or else." Not only were his employees continually late, so was he. The employees never received consequences for their tardiness. Christopher was teaching his employees how to treat him. He was telling them non-verbally, "my ultimatums mean nothing. You can come late all you want because nothing will ever happen. I can't even get here on time myself." So, if we want respect from others, we must respect ourselves. If we want people to follow through, we must do so. People are observing our actions and they know what they can and cannot get away with. Judith was a trouble maker in middle school. But not with everyone. She knew that some teachers would really send her to the principal's office or call her parents so she was a "little angel" in their classroom. Other teacher's made empty threats and Judith knew she could "push their buttons." What are your actions saying? How do you hold yourself? How do you talk about yourself? What actions are you taking to prove that you are a worthwhile person? Take a look around you. What are some of the non-verbal signals you notice in others? What makes someone "look confident?" Perhaps you can work on changing the way you carry yourself so you are sending out the non-verbal messages you intend to send. When you make a mistake do you call yourself a "clutz, ditz, airhead, moron or loser?" What type of message are you sending to others when you do this? Chances are if you talk this way to yourself, others will think it's okay to talk to you this way as well. Finally, how can you treat yourself like you're worthwhile. How would you treat someone else if you wanted them to feel worthwhile? Begin by listing things you like to do then make a commitment to do them. Don't wait for someone else, do them yourself -- because you're worth it. When you treat yourself with respect the effects are two-fold. First, you begin to get used to treating yourself well and you'll be less tolerant of abuse from others. Second, you'll be showing others by example how you expect to be treated. Begin this process today. You may not see overnight results but if you keep with it, I guarantee that it will pay off. Be sure to keep me abreast of your progress and successes: sheri@sabotagetosuccess.com
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