In the very distant future: 211 After Colony,
there were some folks on Earth,
very different from you and me.
They were put away for making too much racket
just a couple of kids locked up in strait jackets
they did a good job messing up the place
and their doctors didn't like them,
so they shot them into space!
(Celia: "THIS FREAKIN' SUUUUUUCKS!!")
"We'll send them cheesy fan fics,
the worst we can find!"
(lalala!)
They'll have to sit and watch them all,
and we'll monitor their minds!"
(lalala!)
Now keep in mind they can't control
when the fanfic begins or ends;
they'll try to keep their insanity
no matter what the doctors send...
(Mental case role call!)
Celia! ("Bite me!")
Sally! ("Woohoo!")
Hiro! ("I am not Heero Yuy!")
(they have no other friends!!!)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe,
and other science facts,
(lalala!)
then repeat to yourself it's just a show,
I should really just relax,
for Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000...
(TWANG!)
------------------------------------------------------------
(Celia is in the main cabin - [27, fairly tall with cinnamon
hair and blue eyes. She wears flannel jammies and usually hates
being woken up early. She has a pretty, perfectly proportioned
face, and something about her eyes says, "the child ain't right."])
(The main cabin is mostly dark, but for the light from the screen,
which dances and flickers across Celia’s face. Her eyes are glazed,
but her fingers are holding a small plastic square with buttons, and
are moving with inhuman speed. We hear a repetitive little ditty,
which sounds vaguely medieval and sort of adventurous. "Daaaa,
dadadada dadaaa, dadadada dadaaa, dadadada
dumdumdumdumdumdumdumdum
dumdum, da daaaa, dadadadaaaaa, dadadadaaaaa, dum dum
dummmm, da daaaaaa, dum dum dum, da daaaaa, dum dum dum..."
and on and on. After a moment or two of hearing it, you forget
that you’re hearing it.
Suddenly, something in Celia’s eyes flickers. They darken.)
Celia: (softly) No.
(Her fingers fly faster.)
Celia: No! Crap! Fairy kind fairy, come save my... NO!!
NO!! YOU KILLED ME, YOU BALL! ARRRRRGGHH!!
(The screen darkens and we hear a different sort of music, sort
of soothing and fey.)
Celia: Continue, damnit! Continue!
(Suddenly, a different light source casts its shadows on
the main cabin. A hologram of Dr. Forrester fades in.)
Dr. Forrester: Oh, hello Celia. You’re up early today.
Celia: (Wired) Actually, I haven’t been to sleep yet.
Dr. Forrester: Ah. I see. What’s that you’re playing with,
Celia, hmmm?
Celia: (brightening) Old school NES!
Dr. Forrester: Was that the original Legend of Zelda game
that I heard?
Celia: Yeah! It’s still a good game, even after all these years.
Dr. Forrester: Well, what a coincidence we have here! How
odd.
Celia: You look especially evil right now, Dr. You wanna share
the secret? Or are you just going to stand there rubbing your
hands together all morning and grinning?
Dr. Forrester: Did you know, Celia, that there still exist
those strange people who write Legend of Zelda fanfictions?
Celia: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that I might
incriminate those close to me.
Dr. Forrester: Anyone I know?
Celia: Bite me. What’s your point?
Dr. Forrester: I’m getting to that, Celia. You see, today’s
experiment...
(Suddenly, Sally enters the main cabin - [30, tall, somewhat
wiry, with hazel eyes and waist length black hair with a small
streak of silver on one side. Doesn't appear to be from this
century. Incidentally, she is Celia's cousin. Also, Sally has a
dark secret.])
Sally: Oy. I thought I heard something. Morning, Celia. Didn’t
get to bed last night?
Celia: (still warily looking at Dr. Forrester) No. I didn’t.
Sally: Oh, hi Dr. Forrester. My, but you’re looking evil today.
Did you kill TV’s Frank again?
Dr. Forrester: Thank you, Sally. No, I didn’t. I’m looking
particularly evil because of your experiment today.
Sally: Damn! An experiment! And I was hoping to spend the
day playing LOZ with Celia, so that we could spend some time
with Link.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, worry not, my chickadees. You’ll be spending
plenty of time with Link today. Not as much as I could have made
you spend, of course, but I’m sure it will be enough.
Sally: Oh. *cough* You found a Legend of Zelda fic, did you?
Those... those are notoriously bad.
Dr. Forrester: None so bad as this little gem. To be honest with
you girls, this gem isn’t very little at all - actually it’s 23 chapters
worth of pain. I nearly ripped my own eyes out when I read it,
and Frank... well, Frank blinded himself with acid after the
"Bonding" chapter.
Celia & Sally: Oh no! Poor TV’s Frank!
Dr. Forrester: Not to worry, I got him a pair of replacement
eyes. Well, my chickadees, let me tell you more about today’s
experiment. I’m only giving you one chapter today, because if
I gave you the whole thing at once you would all die, and my
experiment would come to an untimely end. So you may
consider yourselves fortunate today.
Celia: Is it really that bad?
Dr. Forrester: It’s a Mary Sue lemon, by a girl named Jenna,
about a girl named Jenna.
Celia & Sally: O_O (they look at each other. They look
back at Dr. Forrester. They look back at each other)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sally: THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!
Celia: That was for the X Files lemon.
Sally: Oh yeah, that’s right. Sorry.
Dr. Forrester: In the spirit of fairness, I’ll give you some time to
prepare yourselves for this. I won’t start the fic until Hiro wakes
up and joins you. Enjoy Mary Sue’s "inner life," chickadees!
(He laughs evilly and the hologram fades out.)
Sally: Celia, aren’t you going to go "HU-HU-HU-HU-HU" in
a deep voice?
Celia: (Dejected) No. Not today. I think we should take Dr.
Forrester’s advice and prepare for this fic.
FADE OUT
FADE BACK IN
(Celia and Sally have their backs to us, and seem to be
engrossed in what they’re doing. Celia is sitting on the
floor, and Sally is leaning over the counter.)
(Hiro enters the main cabin - [31, tall, with blue eyes and black hair,
he is given to denying that he is Heero Yuy. He certainly doesn't act
like him. But yet he does look like him... somewhat...])
Hiro: Good morning, ladies. (looks at them, is suddenly suspicious)
What are we doing? You’re not trying to cook breakfast again,
are you?
Celia: (turns around, smiling brightly, with a desperate, manic
gleam in her eyes.) No! Not today! (she proudly holds up a
noose that she has been tying.)
Sally: Good morning, Hiro! We’re preparing for today’s
experiment! (She turns around and proudly holds up a
smoking vial of green, swirling liquid. The smoke above
it forms a skull and crossbones.)
Hiro: Aa. So, this is going to be a bad one for you girls?
Celia: (desperately cheerful) Yes! Yes, very, very bad!
Sally: (also desperately cheerful) Fanfic sign! We have
fanfic sign! I can’t wait to try out my new poison!
Hiro: Hn. Not good.
(They file into the theater)
------------------------------------------------------------
(After the general mayhem of fanfic sign dies down, they enter
the theater, eating from a Whitman’s Sampler)
Celia: Save the nuts for me.
Sally: No problem. Hiro? Chocolate whip?
Hiro: Maybe later. Let’s get this over with.
>>Author: Link's Queen -
All: O_O
Sally: Oh, no. Already.
Celia: Well, hold up. If Link had a queen, wouldn’t that make
him a king?
Sally: True.
Celia: And, wouldn’t he only be the king if he married Zelda?
Sally: Also true. Unless he was like, secretly Zelda’s brother,
and also older than Zelda, and heir to the throne.
Celia: Okay, that’s true. So this is written either by Zelda’s
sister in law, or Zelda herself!
Hiro: Does it matter?
Sally: It won’t after we kill ourselves!
>>NC-17 -
Celia: Something tells me this should be NC - 55. No one
under 55 is allowed to read it. And no one older than 55,
either.
Sally: NC - Dead. No one who’s living is allowed to read it.
>>English -
Sally: Why do I doubt that?
>>Romance/Drama
Celia: The only drama you’re going to see here is Sally and I
bursting into tears and tearing out our hair.
>>A year has passed since I discovered that I was a descended
>>of the Silverlite race.
All: *groan!*
Hiro: Oh, Mary, how do you DO it?!
Sally: (Singing Nirvana) "Somewhere I have heard this before...
in a dream my memory’s stored..."
>>I became appointed under the Goddesses to protect the
>>Legendary Triforce
Hiro: (deadpan) Oh Mary. You are so special. I think I love you.
Sally: (eyes Hiro warily)
>>along with the "Hero of Time".
Sally: That’s the (does air quotes) "Hero Of Time."
Celia: (sarcastic) Oh yes, Link is really quite the (air quotes)
"Hero of Time."
>>And became one of the most powerful in all of Hyrule.
Celia: Wait, wait... WHO became the most powerful in all Hyrule?
Sally: JennaMarySue, I assume, since Mary is always the most good,
best, number one EVERYthing. What concerns me, is of WHAT is
she the most powerful?
Hiro: Method of torture?
Celia & Sally: (nod firmly) Nailed it.
>>Though life resumed between Link and I.
Hiro: Save the kingdom, protect the sacred Triforce... same
old, same old.
Sally: So, what, they’d been momentarily dead, and then life
just magically resumed?
Celia: A little intermission, I guess.
Sally: Wish I could take one right now.
>>Our son was now a year and half old. He was now walking
>>and has learned
Sally: O_O Damn! WARN me before you switch tenses like
that! *twitch*
>>to speak certain words.
Sally: Which is more than can be said for this author.
Celia: *baby* "This fic BITES!"
>>Epona gave birth to her colt just two weeks after the Water
>>Temple incident
Celia: O_O That sounds ominous.
Hiro: Water Templegate.
>>and is now pregnant again.
All: SLUT!
Celia: That horse just can’t keep it in her pants.
>>The beautiful colt she gave birth to is female with a brown
>>body, white mane and tail with a black mussel
Celia: A black mussel?!
Sally: She’s got a bivalve mollusk on her... somewhere. I guess.
Hiro: Where would a horse put a mussel?
Celia: Why did Link marry Mary Sue?
Hiro: Good point.
>>and black patches around her hooves. The youngling
>>is now a year old. Link has prospered in the military.
Hiro: I’m sure they love him there.
Celia: *JennaMarySue* “Though not as much as *III* have
prospered. I prospered way more than Link!”
>>He is now fleet general of the king's entire army.
Sally: The way this was going, I’m surprised that
JennaMarySue isn’t fleet general of the king’s entire army.
Hiro: Wait.
>>Link was promoted after he stopped
Sally: wearing that stupid freaking hat of his.
>>an assassination attempt on the King's life six months ago.
Sally: HEY damnit! What about this current assassination
attempt on LINK?
Hiro: Character assassination.
Celia & Sally: *snicker*
>>Lilly and Navi have been keeping us protected.
Celia: Holy crap, they use their FAIRIES as prophylactics?
That's so WRONG! Those poor little things!
Sally: I know. I mean, I wasn't wild about Navi, but I
wouldn't have her go through *that.*
>>Over the last year they had helped keep our livestock safe
>>from the wolfos
Celia: The fairies were taking on the Wolfos?
Hiro: Badass fairies.
>>that sill roamed the Lost Woods. Our farm was prospering,
>>the crops were producing fine vegetables that year.
Sally: *JennaMarySue* "ESPECIALLY the cucumbers. My my!
Oh, those lovely, fine cucumbers! *cough* Anyway, back to
Link and the Triforce and things and stuff."
>>And our fruit trees were producing unusual size fruit.
Hiro: Yeah, and it was glowing, too.
Celia: But she didn’t specify if it was too big or too small.
It could have been really teeny fruit. Like in those doll
houses that we used to have. Sally, remember those doll
houses with all that tiny food?
Sally: Like yesterday.
>>And I'm now four months pregnant.
Sally: With little cucumber fetuses.
Celia & Hiro: O_O
Celia: That was wrong!
>>Our life together was nothing like ever before.
Sally: You mean, it was even unlike all the OTHER godawful
MarySues out there?
>>The love Link and I share bonded even deeper over the
>>last year.
Celia: *JennaMarySue* “It was deep for a couple of years,
but then this year, BOY did our love bond. It’s like, totally
off the charts!”
>>We had been married for almost two years now. Our second
>>anniversary was in just a few days. I had been planning for
Hiro: *JennaMarySue* “a rapturous reception for my fic about
how awesome I am. Alas, no one understands the depth of My
Inner Life.”
>>days to have a very special anniversary this year.
Celia: Wasn’t that an album or something? “A Very Special
Anniversary?”
Hiro: That was Christmas.
>>So I had gone to Cantara City to get Link a very special gift.
Celia: Cantara City? Sounds like a disease.
Sally: Stay away from that slut, lemme tellya. MAN! Cantara City!
>>I had saved my rupees for the entire year
Celia: *Velvet Jones* “It’s a known fact that a high payin’ ho
can make fifteen hundred rupees a week. Das right, fifteen
hundred!”
>>and I managed to get him a gold hilted dagger encrusted with
>>jewels
Sally: So that he could finally end his misery.
Celia: And ours.
>>and a gold dragon pendant.
>>I was going to make this year one to remember.
Hiro: *JennaMarySue* "Hahahaha.... Mwahahahaa....
AAAHAHAHAHAAA! Link would never forget this night!
NEVER! NEVERRRRR!"
>>Then the day had arrived.
All: METEOR!
>>The day of our anniversary.
All: Oh.
>>I nearly had spent the entire day preparing for the most
>>romantic evening ever.
Hiro: (Dark) And you’re going to share it with us, aren’t you?
>>I had Zelda take Link jr., Aria
Celia: Whom we assume are the Babies Of Love made by
handsome, strong Link and his gorgeous, even stronger wife
JennaMarySue...
>>and our fairies to stay with her and Impa at the castle for the
>>night so Link and I could be alone.
Celia: They’re going to be alone? Link’s going to be in one place
and JennaMarySue is going to be in another? Thank god!
Sally: So Zelda, the princess and heir to Hyrule and the keeper
of the Triforce of Wisdom, is reduced to being MarySue’s
freaking babysitter? Riiiiight.
>>While I prepared dinner, I got into a sexy red dress
Celia: Which probably made her soooooo sexy that we
will be blinded by it.
>>and got all the "extras" we would need
Celia: Eggbeater.
Sally: Cattle prod.
Hiro: Flamethrower.
>>to have a memorial night.
Hiro: A memorial night? Who died?
Sally: Wait.
>>Then I lit all the candles around the room and put out
Celia: Damn, she put out! Didn’t even wait for Link to get
home!
Sally: She’s MarySue! Loves herself more than anything. Who
needs LINK?
>>the oil lamps to create a romantic setting.
Hiro: *The Continental* And some fine champagne-ya.
Sally: O_O Christopher Walken. Again! Do it again!
Hiro: (Warily) Maybe later.
>>After I finished preparing dinner, I lit the candles on the table,
>>put the food out
Celia: *JennaMarySue* "Damn food, GET OUT!"
>>and waited for Link.
Hiro: Three years later...
>>About ten minuets later,
Celia: Minuets? She's dancing while she's waiting?
>>I heard a horse coming up to the stable. I removed
Sally: any pretense of even endeavoring to use grammar,
syntax or spellcheck.
>>my apron
Sally: Whatever.
>>and rushed to the door to great my "hero" home.
Celia: Her (does air quotes) "hero."
Sally: Yes Link, you are such the (air quotes) "hero."
>>As Link entered the door his eyes widened.
Hiro: *Link* "What the... WHAT AM I DOING IN A
MARYSUE LEMON?!"
>>"Oh my Goddesses... you look sexy tonight my love."
Sally: (rolls her eyes) Of COURSE she looks sexy. MarySue
ALWAYS looks sexy.
>>He whispered into my ear as he pulled me into his arms
>>kissing me forcefully.
All: MMPH!
>>Then we drew apart and I looked into his sexy jeweled eyes.
Sally: He keeps jewelry in them? Neato!
>>"I love you my sweet love, how I missed you today."
>>"And I as well."
Hiro: Link missed himself?
Sally: Probably. I know that *I* haven’t seen him once during
this entire fic.
>>Link said as he handed me a bouquet of roses, then he
>>pulled me inside closing the door.
Celia: *Link* "Get in here, biznatch. Where my dinner?"
>>When he scanned the room, he was in shock.
Sally: Hypovolemic shock?
Celia: Maybe he’ll die and the fic will end?
>>"Wow my love...this all looks great."
Hiro: *JennaMarySue/ The Continental* “Allow me to
attend to your coat. Please! Some fine champagne-ya?”
Sally: AHH! Christopher Walken! Do it some more!
Hiro: (sighs resignedly) It *is* a little obscure, but...
We’ll see.
>>Link said as his eyes sparkled under the candlelight. "
>>"Happy anniversary my love." I said as I handed him the
>>gift.
Celia: This is only going to get worse, isn’t it my love?
Hiro: I think that we should mentally prepare ourselves
my love.
Sally: I’ve got my poison ready my love.
>>"Thank you sweet heart." He returned as he put his gift down
>>on the table. Then he went into the pouch he had at his belt
Sally: He went into the pouch?
Celia: It must be a big pouch.
Hiro: Or maybe Link is really little.
Sally: (glares at Hiro) Link is NOT little, Link is a big, strong,
strapping hero, Hiro!
Hiro: (shrugs) Whatever.
>>and pulled out a gold box. "Happy anniversary too my
>>goddess."
Celia: *JennaMarySue* "That’s nice Link, but why are you
giving gifts to DIN?"
Sally: “TOO my goddess?” As in, “also?”
>>Link said softly as he handed the golden wrapped box
>>to me. I took it and opened it to reveal
Hiro: A NEW MECH!
Sally: Puppies!
Celia: a much needed tube of Vagisil!
Hiro & Sally: O_O
>>a gold necklace with a gold Triforce pendant encrusted
>>with diamonds and matching earrings.
Celia: *Link* “I got it from QVC. Hope you like it.”
>>"Oh my Goddesses......I just love it! " I cried as tears welled
>>up in my eyes.
Sally: You think *you’re* crying? Wait till we get to the sex part!
>>Then Link took the necklace and put it on around my neck.
Hiro: Pull tighter Link! Tighter!
>>"It looks beautiful on you. "Link said as he started kissing
>>my slender neck.
Celia: O_O She's going on about her own slender neck?
Sally: (singing Nirvana) "Love myself, better than you, I know
it's wrong, but what can I doooooo?"
>>As he bit down gently on my neck,
All: *Link* "TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!"
(They wait tensely. Nothing happens.)
Celia: Uhhh... we said it. We said "tastes like chicken" and
Dr. Forrester didn’t do anything. Do you think maybe the threat
is null for this fic?
Sally: Well, we need SOMEthing to help us through it.
>>I turned my head to face him as I stroked the back of his
>>neck.
Hiro: *JennaMarySue* "Link... what’s this 666 you’ve got
tattooed here?"
>>"Mmmm....Link, you should go open your gift. "I whispered
>>softly into his pointed ear.
Celia: That’s just damned disturbing.
>>Link moved his head down and started kissing my shoulder.
>>"Your right my love, I'm going to open it now."
Sally: Her right what?
Celia: Her right his love.
>>He walked back over to the table and took the box into his
>>hand, then pulled the ribbon off and opened it.
Hiro: He moved his left leg, then he moved his right leg, then he
breathed in, then he breathed out...
>>"Holy crap....
Hiro: *Link* “Holy crap, I am so out of character!”
>>oh my goddesses I love you!"
Sally: *JennaMarySue* “Not as much as I love myself!”
>>He said as he held the gold dagger encrusted with jewels
>>in his hands.
Celia: And plunged it gleefully into his own heart!
Sally: Ending his misery!
Hiro: And ours!
>>Taking the dagger he swished it into the air a few time
Hiro: Link is a swisher? *snick*
Celia: Well he only swished it a few time. Whatever the hell
that means.
>>before putting it into the sheath I provided for him.
All: O_o
Sally: I hope that's not a metaphor.
>>Then I walked into his arms again
Celia: *JennaMarySue* "Oops! Beg pardon!"
>>and looked into his rippling blue eyes.
Hiro: His eyes are rippling? How'd he manage that?
Sally: It’s MAKO!
Celia: Wrong fandom, fangirl.
>>"Did you see what else was in the box?"
Celia & Sally: *Brad Pitt whining* “What’s in the booooox?”
>>I said softly as I put my hands against his muscular chest.
>>"There's more?" Link said with surprise.
Sally: Much more, from the looks of things.
Hiro: To our chagrin and continuing torment.
>>"Look under the tissue my love."
All: *Link* “OK my love.”
>>Rustling the tissue aside his eyes widened with shock
Celia: *Link* "The hell... Boogers?!"
>>as he held the gold dragon pendant in his broad hand.
>>"You're the greatest my dear wife."
Sally: *JennaMarySue* “Yes, I really am the greatest
my love.”
>>Link said as he grabbed me and pulled me into his arms
>>once again.
>>Slowly he lowered his
Hiro: morals enough to continue with this fic?
>>head down again, his breath tickled my skin as he gently
>>nibbled on my
Sally: cucumber.
Celia: O_o Enough with the cucumber!
>>neck causing ripples of pleasure to run down my spine.
>>I reached up and ran my hand down his
Celia: Don’t say cucumber!
Sally: Zucchini!
>>cheek as small moans of pleasure escaped passed my lips.
Sally: “Escaped passed?” Which is it? Pick a verb and go
with if ferchrissakes!
>>Then I felt his lips move slowly up my neck,
Hiro: Totally independent of the rest of his face!
>>then to my mouth as he kissed me forcefully, his tongue
>>slipping past my lips.
Celia: *Link* "Mmm... Goat cheese."
Sally: Ew!
>>As out tongues entwined
Hiro: "Out tongues entwined?" Is that some weird sexual
thing I never read about?
>>I felt his hands trickling up my sides
Hiro: So his eyes ripple and his hands trickle.
Celia: Link's made of goo.
>>as he started sliding down the straps of my dress.
Celia: *Link* "WEEEEEEE!"
Sally: Huh?
Celia: He’s sliding down the straps of her dress.
>>My body started quivering under his gentle touch as he
>>slid the top of my dress down freeing my breasts.
Celia: *Breasts* "FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!"
>>He took his hand and gently ran it over my breast, his fingers
>>teasing the nipple,
Sally: *Link’s fingers* "You’re ugly! Yo momma so fat, people
jog around her for excersize! Your house is so small I have to
go outside to change my mind!"
>>causing it to become erect, turning it into a small hard pebble.
Sally: So skilled an alchemist is Link that he can make stones
from mere nipples!
>>The sensation of his fingers caressing my sensitive nipples sent
>>shocks of pleasure threw my body,
Hiro: He threw her body? Where'd he throw it? It’s about damn
time.
>>causing louder moans to pass my lips.
>>Gently he pushed me into the living room,
All: *Link* "MOVE, beeotch!"
>>by the fire
Hiro: *Link* "Closer to the fire, JennaMarySue... closer... closer..."
>>as he continued to pulled my dress slowly down my body,
>>then letting it drop to the floor
Sally: *Author* "Verb tense agreement? Bah! I have no need
for such trivialities and I spit upon them! Ptooey!
Celia: Uhhh, that’s nice Sally, but I don’t think the author would
use a word like "trivialities."
Sally: Umm. That’s true.
>>as his eyes hungrily drank in my nakedness.
Sally: His eyes hungrily drank? Didn’t yo mamma ever
tell you not to mix metaphors, foo?
>>Then he laid me
Hiro: Which is the point of the whole story. Can we go now?
>>down, getting on top of me
Celia: (slightly green) Uhhh... guys, I don’t wanna do this
anymore...
>>as his lips moved back to mine, his tongue entering
>>my mouth again. I let my hands run up under his tunic,
>>feeling my way to the top
Sally: Well you know, she didn't get where she is today by hard
work; she pretty much felt her way to the top.
>>as I gently pulled it off and tossed it aside.
Hiro: Umm, we ARE still talking about the tunic here, aren’t we?
>>Then Link begun
Sally: Link "begun?" It's called "verb conjugation." Might wanna
look into it.
>>to slowly kiss his way down my body, first to my neck, to
>>crevice between my breasts, then stopping at the navel
Sally: for milk and bread, before heading home.
Celia: I’m just glad you didn’t say "cheese."
Sally: O_O BLECH! Oh, Celia!
Celia: (giggling)
>>as he kissed and caressed it with his tongue. Link
>>continued to assault my body
Celia: YEAH! Good for you, Link! Fight back! Fight the
evil MarySue lemon with everything you have!
>>with his lips and tongue, causing my body to shudder with
>>feelings of pleasure and ecstasy
Hiro: As we shudder with feelings of horror and nausea.
>>as I reached up and slipped off his white undergarment,
Sally: Link wears tighty whities!
>>exposing the rest of his heavenly naked body.
All: Oooooh. Ahhhhh.
>>The candlelight reflected off his immaculate skin,
Celia: His “immaculate skin?”
Hiro: Maybe he’s just very hygienic.
>>as I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him down on top
>>of me, forcing our lips to meet again.
Celia: *JennaMarySue* “Get over here with those lips, damn
you!”
Hiro: *Link* “Nooooo!”
Sally: Well if she’s forcing him, it can’t be all that good, now can it?
>>As we kissed deeply, passionately, our tongues intertwining
>>once again, I had begun to feel his heart beating along side mine
>>as the connection between us became full.
Celia: *The connection* "Ugh, can’t eat another bite."
>>Then we drew apart and he slowly rose up, taking one hand
>>and gently running it over
Sally: with Epona.
>>my breasts again, his fingertips teasing the hard mounds as the
>>other slid its way down my body, first to my thighs, then between
>>my legs.
Hiro: *Link* "Hey! It’s my Bomb Bag! What the hell is THAT
doing in here??"
>>Then his hand pressed down into me
All: O_O
Celia: His whole HAND?
>>as his fingers slid past the lips of my flower,
Hiro: Venus Flytrap!
Celia: My money’s on Corpse Flower.
>>causing my back to arc as a loud moan moved out my
>>mouth and
Celia: downtown, close to the busline.
>>tore into the air. Then I cried out in ecstasy again as his
>>fingers probed upward and brushed against my clitoris,
>>causing it to fill with blood and become hard.
Hiro: Well, we know she can read, since she got that line out
of a biology book.
>>It felt soo good. Felt soo intense.
Sally: I’m soo suicidal right now.
Hiro: Just soo nauseated.
Celia: Soo traumatized.
>>My whole body convulsed,
Sally: Quick! Stick a spoon in her mouth!
Hiro: No, don’t!
>>shuddered as he teased the clit
Celia: *Link* "You’re so stupid you studied for a blood test and
failed! You’re so stupid you tried to alphabetize your M&M’s!
You’re so stupid you ask for a price check at the Dollar Store!"
>>by rolling the hard sensitive part between his fingers.
>>Then my body suddenly convulsed
Hiro: Again? Shouldn’t she be on medication for that?
Sally: Well she should be on medication for SOMEthing...
>>when he slid his fingers further down and gently pushed two
>>fingers deep inside me,
Sally: *JennaMarySue* "Hey Link, that’s my freaking LUNGS!
Jeez!"
>>the new sensation causing my back to arc again as my soft
>>moans suddenly turned into loud tiger cries.
Celia: Grrr! Grrr! You are a tiger!
>>"Oh....my Goddesses....grrrr....
All: O_O
Sally: ..."Grrr?" She actually spelled out "grrr?" (sobs into her
hands) I can’t take it. Celia, Hiro... I just can’t take it anymore.
I leave my Sephiroth dolly to both of you. Please take good care
of him. (She drinks poison and falls over.)
Celia: Sally killed herself.
Hiro: So I see.
>>Link..more baby.....
Celia: She wants more baby? Isn't she already knocked up?
>>LINK!" I screamed in pure ecstasy as his gentle steady
>>made my legs quake.
Hiro: There is nothing pure about this fic.
Celia: His "gentle steady?" If Sally were here she would say “Nouns?
I have no need for such things and I spit upon them!” I miss her.
Hiro: She’ll be back.
>>Then he pushed his fingers in deeper, his thrusts reaching
>>back to my G spot
Celia: (Throws the noose into the rafters and pulls the looped
end down, slipping it around her neck. She hands the end of the
rope to Hiro.) Pull this.
Hiro: (Suspiciously) Why?
Celia: Just pull it! It’s not like it’s my finger or anything!
Hiro: (considers it, shrugs, then pulls the rope, strangling Celia)
Well, damn.
>>while his other hand teased the hard mounds on my breasts.
Hiro: She’s got mounds ON her breasts? She keeps candy
there? Hey! Is it just me in here?
Sally: (groggily comes back from the dead) Wha happuh? I miss
it?
Hiro: No. They didn’t even have sex yet.
Sally: NO FAIR! I really need a new recipe for poison! I see
that Celia ended it all.
Hiro: She’ll be okay.
>>Then Link quickened his attacks
Sally: *Link* "Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu... RYU SUI SEN!"
Hiro: We wish.
>>as he sensed that my body was starting to be thrust over the
>>edge.
Celia: (also coming back to life. Removes the noose from her
neck.) Yeah, well my MIND is going over the edge. Hey! Hiro,
you didn’t pull hard enough!
Hiro: (shrugs) Sorry. Maybe next time.
>>This combination of attacks Link was placing upon my
>>shuddering, pulsating body
Sally: Sounds like an alien hatching in a bad scifi movie.
>>caused my back arc and twisted,
Hiro: snapping her spine like a dry winter twig.
Celia: The Fates are merciful.
Sally: "Caused my back arc and twisted?"
>>while my cries of ecstasy tore into the air. Slowly I started
>>to climax and when he rubbed his fingers against the most
>>sensitive spot inside me,
Hiro: Her pancreas?
Celia: Her liver!
Sally: Her frontal lobe! Oh, never mind.
>>I screamed out as my body was finally thrust over the edge
>>and into heaven
Celia: What the... she's dead? Story's over? Yeah! Let’s go!
Hiro: Sorry. No such luck.
>>....."UNGH...OH MY GODDESSES.....LINK!"
Celia: (rubbing her ears) Thanks for screaming. Now I’m DEAF!
>>I cried as I gushed down Link's hand, the warm juices
>>dripping threw his fingers.
Celia: (runs to the corner and throws up)
Sally: She threw his fingers? Poor Link!
Hiro: (takes a life jacket from under her seat) Look out.
Mary’s spewing rivers again.
Sally: She’s got a fire hydrant down there.
Hiro: A fire hydrant full of warm juices, no less.
>>Falling back panting I looked into his sexy blue eyes as
>>I saw a
Celia: duck!
Sally: portal into another dimension?
Hiro: machete?
>>burning desire glowing in them.
Sally: Oh. So it’s MAKO!
>>Then I got up and put my lips near his, whispering softly to
>>him against them.
Celia: *JennaMarySue* “You my beeotch now Link.”
>>"Now my love, it my turn."
Hiro: She's going to play with herself now my love?
Sally: (dryly) How the hell do you think this fic got written in
the first place my love? “It my turn” indeed. >_<
Celia: O_O
>>I said seductively as I reached up and clasped my hands on
>>his broad shoulders and gently pushed him onto the floor.
Hiro: *JennaMarySue / The Continental* “Ah. The view from up
here is...intoxicating. Like fine champagne-ya!”
Sally: AHH! Christopher Walken! Hiro, again!
Hiro: Later.
>>After I pushed him down on the floor,
Celia: She went to make a sandwhich? Please?
>>I straddled him, laying my hands against his chest as I
>>begun
Sally: to ignore subject / verb tense agreement again?
>>to slowly trickle my fingers-tips
Sally: Holy crap, now HER fingers are trickling!
Hiro: I’m getting a visual. This is not good.
>>over his hard muscular body.
Sally & Celia: *Link* “We’re here to pump...” (clap!) “you up!”
>>His body quivered under my touch as soft moans rose up
>>from his throat and out his mouth.
Hiro: As opposed to down from his throat and out his...
Celia & Sally: HIRO!
Hiro: Fine, fine.
>>I let my soft hands
Hiro: Soft hands, slender neck...
Sally: (Singing Nirvana again) "Love myself better than you..."
Celia: Squicky lemon? You’re soaking in it!
>>trace over the muscular outlines of his infatuated body,
Hiro: “His infatuated body?” What’s it infatuated with?
Celia: Guys, maybe she doesn’t know what that word means.
You ever think of that?
Sally: (Singing Nirvana) "It is now time to make it unclear, to
write off lines that don’t make sense..."
>>feeling the silkiness of his immaculate skin.
Celia & Sally: St. Link Of The Immaculate Skin.
Hiro: Parochial school much?
>>Quietly I watched as his eternal blue eyes pierced me,
Celia: *JennaMarySue* “Ow! Watch where you aim those
things!”
>>silently eating my body with a hungry desire.
Hiro: Because she’s so sleek and sexy?
Sally: Of course! (Singing) “Love myself better than
you...!”
>>I continued running my hands softly, caressingly over his hard
>>body,
Celia: Legend of Zelda for Gamecube: Hardbodies!
>>causing him to moan softly,
Sally: *Link, moaning* “Make it stop! Pleeeeease! Make
it stop!”
>>his muscles contracting and releasing under my touch.
Hiro: *JennaMarySue / The Continental* “Fine champagne-ya,
and the art...of MASSAGE!”
Sally: AHH! Hiro! Christopher Walken! Say it again!
Celia: Tch! You and your fixations.
>>Then I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his neck,
>>letting my tongue trace over his skin,
Sally: Wait, wait. She has the NERVE to spell “tongue” the right
way? I mean really! I’m somehow more offended by that. She
should at least have the decency to spell it “tounge” like everyone
else in the world if she’s going to subject everyone to the rest of
this trash!
>>tasting him.
All: TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!
>>I wanted nothing more than to taste every bit of flesh before
>>me,
Celia: Holy crap, she’s HANNIBAL!
Sally: She needs to be muzzled. But I could’ve told you that from
the beginning of this fic.
>>to swallow its taste and savor its delicious feeling.
Hiro: (Nervous) She’s going a little too far with this
“eating” thing.
>>Pressing my lips down harder,
Celia: Her face finally sank right through him and she was
sucking on the floor.
>>I bit softly against his wonderful skin,
Hiro: What happened to immaculate?
Celia: It’s not immaculate since she got her lips on it, I guess.
>>as I started to suckle on his neck, causing Link to groan out
>>loud.
Sally: *Link, groaning* “Stoooooop! Quit it, I said!”
>>After a little bit of teasing,
All: *JennaMarySue* “Does this bug you? I’m not touching you!”
>>I slowly kissed my way down his body, my tongue tracing
>>behind my lips as I made my way down to the swollen organ
>>between his legs.
Celia: He’s got a musical instrument down there?
Hiro: Not only that, but it’s swollen.
Sally: Turgid. Like her prose would be if she wrote in any kind
of comprehensible English.
>>Slowly I took the head of his member
Hiro: First one who makes a “Goldmember” crack has to re-watch
this thing.
All: (silence)
>>into my mouth, teasing the tender tip with my tongue.
>>Then slowly I moved to his shaft,
Celia: is one baaad mutha
Sally: Shut yo mouth!
Hiro: Girls... we’ve done the shaft joke so many times.
Celia: Well, if authors keep on using that term, what choice
do we have?
>>caressing it with my tongue as I slowly licked up and down it.
Sally: Ahh. “Slowly licked up and down it.” Take a moment to
enjoy the fine structure and rhythm of that sentence. :/
>>While I caressed his member with my lips and tongue, Link's
>>soft moans soon turned into loud cries of
Sally: desperate agony.
Hiro: *Link* "GET ME OUT OF THIS FIC! PLEEEEASE!"
>>pleasure and ecstasy. I felt his body quivering under my gentle
>>hands as I ran one up over his body, his loud cries of ecstasy
>>filling the room. Then Link let out a loud tiger like cry
Sally: Again with the damn tiger!
>>when I took his member fully into my mouth, engulfing it.
Hiro: God, she’s just so... sinister in this.
>>Slowly I moved my lips up and down the shaft,
All: (silence)
>>dragging my tongue up the tender underside as I went.
Celia: Great, we’re getting a blow by blow... Ugh. Never mind.
>>Little by little I begun
Sally: to mangle verb tense agreement again?
>>to up the movement,
Celia: Hey! Up your own movement!
>>causing Link to cry out in pure bliss as I caused waves of pure
>>pleasure
Celia: Pure bliss and pure pleasure! I see she’s all about doing
away with and getting rid of redundancy.
Hiro: Dammit, again, there’s nothing pure about any of this.
>>to go surging threw his body,
Sally: (Looking over her head) Woops, there goes another
fictional elf!
Hiro: They like throwing each other. It’s like the circus. In
more ways than one.
>>the fire radiating to his lower organs.
Sally: Din’s Fire?
Celia: Maybe it’ll light JennaMarySue’s hair on fire!
>>Then I found a rhythm
Sally: The New Wave BossaNova!
Hiro: I wonder where she found it.
Sally: In the science lab, of course, after the eggs hatched! ^_^
>>and he started breathing faster as I started to take him over the
>>edge.
Celia: Maybe he’ll meet JennaMarySue there and they’ll stay there.
>>His heart started racing,
Hiro: I wonder if it’ll come in first?
>>his cries filled the room. And finally when I took his nut sack
Celia: O_o That’s it. (Takes Hiro’s self detonation device,
attaches it to herself, and hits the button. Celia flies into the
back of the theater in flames.)
Sally: Oh, shoots, there goes Celia. And all because
JennaMarySue found Link’s bag of deku nuts!
Hiro: No, Sally.
Sally: Oh... Oh. Ugh. I didn’t think people actually said “nut
sack” in that context unless they were purposely trying to be
funny.
>>and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing.
Sally: It's going to be my undoing, too. Give me the means with
which to end my misery! Hiro!
Hiro: No! Be strong! I’m sure it’s almost over. The fic *wants*
you to kill yourself. Just be cool.
>>Link let out a loud tiger like cry
Hiro: O_O There goes that tiger again.
Celia: (comes back to life and staggers to her seat, smoke trailing
off her.) Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright, in the forests of the night!
*Sigh* It's just no use. My apologies to Blake.
>>as he reached his peak..."Oh...Goddesses JENNA!"
All: *JennaMarySue* “MMPH!”
>>....he cried releasing his essence into my mouth.
Sally: She swallowed his *soul?!*
Hiro: I told you she was sinister.
>>He fell back painting
Celia & Sally: *giggle wildly*
Hiro: Ahh. Waterhouse? Van Gogh perhaps?
Sally: Oh, no. We’re talking kindergarten nontoxic finger-
paints here.
>>and I looked up and into his eyes as I swallowed,
Celia: *JennaMarySue* “*Gulp!* Ahhh!!
>>tasting the sweetness of him. Slowly I moved back to
Hiro: the gutter, where this fic originates...
>>his lips and kissed him passionately, the taste of him still
>>on my lips.
Sally: Uhh... Wasn’t there something about that in “Clerks?”
Hiro: No, she said she swallowed, remember?
>>Then I felt his hands embrace me as he gently rolled me over
>>onto my stomach. Straddling my legs, I felt his member
Celia: Uhh? She's straddling her own legs?
>>at the entrance of my pussy
Celia & Sally: Rreowr?
Hiro: Not that kind.
>>as he slowly slid his hard organ inside.
Hiro: Three days later...
>>As he started to penetrate deeper, I felt him move forward
>>as his mouth begun
Sally: to join her in her thickheaded disregard for grammar?
>>pressing down against my neck again.
Sally: Yeah, whatever.
>>I felt my body beginning to convulse
Celia: You know, I’m really concerned about her frequent
convulsions. Don’t you think she should have a brain scan?
Hiro: She did already.
All: They didn’t find anything. *groan!*
>>as his steady gentle thrusts caused me to cry out like a
>>female tiger,
Hiro: O_O (stands up in his seat) Hey! Hey FORRESTER! This
is a joke, isn’t it? This isn’t a real experiment! This isn’t a
real lemon, this is a parody! Isn’t it?!
(There’s no answer. Slowly, Hiro sits back down.)
>>ecstasy filling each note. His mouth pressed harder against
>>my neck as he gently bit on it, his tiger like groans
Celia: DAHH! What is this, Sigfried and Roy?
>>being muffled against my skin.
All: “MMPH!”
>>Then he thrust himself deeper into me,
Hiro: until he came out the top of her head, for godsake!
>>causing my body to shudder in pure bliss,
Celia: There we are with the pure bliss again. *yawn*
>>my nails digging into the floor as my groans soon turned into
Celia: flying monkeys!
Hiro: You are weird.
>>loud cries of ecstasy.
>>He continued to bite down on my neck and back
Sally: But must you continue to remind us?
>>in unison with his steady thrusts sending waves of eternal
>>bliss to go
Celia: *fast food worker* "Will those waves of eternal bliss be
to stay, or to go?"
>>surging threw my body, threw my every vein,
Hiro: Link’s throwing her again. *Sigh*
Sally: You’d think she’d get fed up with that and leave.
Celia: Oh, to have such a choice...
>>as my loud tiger like cries tore into the air.
Hiro: God damn! Crouching Tiger, Hidden... uhh...
Celia: Sausage.
>>I moved under him, teased him, causing him to bite down
>>even more
Sally: Well, he can't be biting any harder than this fic.
>>as he started pushing himself harder into me, his groans
>>being filled with an angry tone.
Hiro: *Link, groaning* "Din damnit! Get me the Dark Realm out
of this fic!"
>>I cried out again as I bucked up against Link,
Celia: Sending him flying up into the ceiling!
Sally: Hot damn! Now she’s throwing him!
>>my body shuddering in immense bliss,
Hiro: But is it *pure?* That’s what I want to know.
>>until an even more violent spasm raged it, causing me
>>to scream out
All: *JennaMarySue* (apathetic) "Yay."
>>in mind boggling pleasure.
Sally: So maybe she’s writing this while she’s doing it, which
could explain the "mind boggling" part.
>>Then I felt myself being taken
Hiro: No, wait! Let me guess. Over the edge?
>>over the edge,
Hiro: Uh huh.
Sally: She went over again?
Celia: I wish she’d stay there.
>>his tiger like groans
All: DAHH!
>>passing his lips each time he bit down, dominating me like
>>a male tiger mating.
All: DAHH!
Celia: SOMEone, and I’m not going to mention any names,
watches Animal Planet WAY too much.
Sally: And enjoys it differently from most of us, I think.
Hiro: Keep this girl away from the zoo.
>>I cried out to him, bucked up against his legs, forcing him in
>>deeper as I felt myself starting to climax.
Celia: Hiro? This fic is really gross.
Hiro: I know.
Celia: (Cries)
Hiro: There, there.
Sally: Are you happy, Dr. Forrester? You broke her!
>>He started to thrust harder into my body, as he bit down
>>harder
Hiro: Link's got a little something in common with this story,
I think.
>>against the nape of my neck,
>>his groans getting louder as he started to reach his peak.
Sally: Kilauea. ^_^
>>I pushed up against him as he thrust down hard again, our
>>cries filled the air as I was finally thrust over the edge.
Hiro: How the hell many times is she going to go over the edge?
Sally: I dunno Hiro. But I’ve gone over the edge a few times
myself during this fic.
>>With one last thrust, I bucked up against Link one last time
All: Promise??
>>as I climaxed, my cries filling the air as I gushed down
>>his legs.
Celia: Bladder control problems, Mary? Err... I mean Jenna?
>>Then Link was sent over the edge,
Sally: And they sent postcards!
>>he bucked his head back and cried out as he released his
>>essence deep inside me.
Celia: I thought she already ate his essence.
Hiro: He made more.
>>I collapsed to the floor panting,
Hiro: That’s not fair; Link got to paint.
>>my body shuddering violently as I trying to move under Link,
Celia: "As I trying to move under Link?"
Sally: I trying to write story, but english class going threw my
mind like sand threw a sieve.
>>but he bit back down on my neck again
Celia: *Link* “Ftay ere oo are, eeotch!”
>>as his hands held tightly down onto my arms. Still
>>connected,
Celia: Leggos! (TM)
Sally: Capsela! (TM)
Hiro: Erector set? (TM) *snort*
>>the immense sexual feelings
All: Of pure bliss?
>>still surged threw our bodies as
Hiro: we struggle through...I mean *threw* this fic.
Celia: I’d like to throw this fic.
>>the after effects of our orgasms tingled in our lower organs
Sally: Large intestine, bladder?
>>causing us to thrust for more. Fighting with what strength
>>he had left,
Celia: Poor Link! He’s still fighting the evil lemon! He never
gives up.
>>Link thrust himself down into me again, forcing himself
Hiro: to hold his dinner down.
>>to reach a second peak. He started biting down on my
>>neck and back again,
Celia: She should feed that elf more often.
>>grunting like a male tiger
All: DAHH!
Celia: Do you think the author realizes she’s saying that over
and over again?
>>as he continued to thrust himself deeper inside my tired
>>sweaty body,
Hiro: Ahh, now there is an enticing image. Not.
>>pushing to climax a second time.
>>Feeling the strength leaving my body, I screamed, hissed,
Celia: Like a tiger, no doubt.
>>as I forced my trembling body up against his, desperately
>>trying
Sally: to speak some form of understandable english?
Hiro: What? She’s not even trying.
Celia: That’s the scary part, Hiro. I think she is.
>>to reach a second peak. He too fought for the strength,
>>as he forced his exhausted body down onto mine, his mouth
>>sinking down harder onto my neck
Celia: Wow, his whole MOUTH is in her neck. So he’s not so
much biting her as...
Hiro: As he is being engulfed by her, I told you that! She’s
sinister!
>>causing a combination of pain and pleasure to go surging
Sally: threw something, I just know it.
>>threw my every vein.
Sally: Right. Right.
>>I screamed into the air, my nails digging into the floor as
>>I fought to go on. Pushing my exhausted body up against
>>his,
Sally: (Singing, mumbling low) “somewhere I have heard this
before...”
>>I forced him deeper
Celia: She’s always forcing Link to do these things, you
notice?
>>as I felt myself slowly starting to climax again.
Sally: SURPRISE! Who’d have guessed?
>>I cried out to Link, grunting like a female tiger
All: DAHH!
Celia: Do you think she’s trying to tell us something?
Sally: You mean like “I’m ridiculously, obsessively repetitive?”
Celia: Well...yeah, I guess.
>>to urge him on
Celia: *Fargo hooker* “There ya go, sugar. Real good now.”
>>as I felt my body starting to be thrust over the edge
Sally: Yet again?
>>yet again.
>>He returned my calls
Hiro: Aww, how sweet, he returned her calls. It almost makes
you think he wasn’t using her for sex. Almost.
>>as tiger like sounds escaped passed his lips.
All: DAHH!
>>Then I felt him beginning to climax again, the fire in his
>>lower organs
Celia: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you.
Sally: Link’s got a burning sensation!
>>sent raging shocks of pleasure threw his body,
Hiro: She gets to throw Link again!
>>caused him cry out in
All: Immense bliss?!
>>immense bliss. We thrust against each other, our bodies
>>trembling
Celia: And convulsing?
>>and convulsing while crying like
All: Tigers!
>>tigers mating
All: Dahh!
Hiro: Well, I’ve had enough. (Hiro pulls a baseball bat from
under his chair and hits himself over the head with it.) Damn!
(He hits himself again.) I’m still alive! No! Must (bang!) end
(bang!) suffering! (Bang!)
Sally & Celia: (Shocked) Hiro!
Sally: For pete’s sake, chill out! You were the one telling us to
stay cool before!
Hiro: No! No more! (bang!) Inner Life...(bang!) BAD!
Celia: (Grabs the bat away from Hiro) There! Now you’re not
getting it back!
Hiro: Noooo! Let me die! Let me die! (Hiro runs to the wall
and beats his head against it. The wall is padded.) AHHH!
NOOOOO!
Sally: THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!
Celia: No time for Scully impersonations now!
>>as we came to a full climax and exploded together one
>>last time.
Hiro: Boom! AHAHAHAA! Get it? Boom! Exploded!
Celia: (Ominous) Sally. This is bad. We lost Hiro.
Sally: My god! He’s like Mulder in that episode!
Celia: Which one?
Sally: The one where Mulder goes nuts!
Hiro: (Scratching the padded walls and trying to climb them)
Nuts! Nut sack!
Celia: Sally...Do something! Try to, like, shoot him or something!
Sally: No way, then he’ll be dead and we’ll still be sitting through
this fic!
>>With one last gasp we fell to the ground painting,
Hiro: (Falls away from the wall) Waterhouse! Van Gogh!
Painting! PAINTING!
Celia: God, Sally, what are we going to do?
>>He returned as a look of passion and desire shone in those
>>magnificent eyes. "I'm not done showing you just how much
>>you mean to me."
Sally: See? They’re *not done!*
Celia: Oh, ye gods, have mercy!
Hiro: (on the floor, hitting his head into the carpet) Mercy!
Mercy! Mercy!
>>"As soon as I regain my strength, I'm going to give you more
>>of my love."
Celia & Sally: (Look at each other, then, shrilly: )AHHHHHH!!
(Both girls start running around the theater, screaming and
pulling their hair.)
FADE OUT
FADE BACK IN
(Hiro is still on the floor, staring at the ceiling and rhythmically
banging his head on the carpet. Celia is screaming mindlessly in
the corner and seems to be trying to tear her own eyes out, and
Sally is swinging from the rafters yelling “I’M EDDIE VEDDER!
CATCH ME! CATCH ME!”)
>>Slowly at first then I upped the movements, causing violent
>>spasms to rage threw our bodies, the loudest vocalizations yet
>>escaping past our lips.
FADE OUT
FADE BACK IN
(Celia is trying to stab herself with the plastic katana from
Sally’s Sephiroth doll and screaming “O happy dagger!
This be thy sheath! There rust and let me die!”
Sally is throwing flower petals all over the place and
mumbling, “they say the owl was a baker’s daughter.
Lord we know what we are, but know not what we
may be.”
Hiro is leaning against the wall, bloody, eyes glazed; gone
are the creepyfun lecherous “The Continental” Christopher
Walken impressions - instead one is reminded more of the
shellshocked, catatonic “The Deer Hunter” Christopher
Walken.)
>>"Mmmm....Link, are you ready for me again?" I cooed as
>>I ran my hand seductively down his chest and over his soft
>>member, causing him to become aroused once again.
FADE OUT
FADE BACK IN
(Sally is on the floor, holding her knees to her chest and
rocking slowly.
Celia is in her usual seat in the theater, holding her hands
firmly over her ears and squeezing her eyes shut.
Hiro, blood drying on his face, is still leaning against the wall,
a detached sort of calm in his eyes as he glances around the
theater.)
>>Then I bucked my head back and screamed into the air as
>>yet another violent spasm raged threw my body, causing it
>>to wither in immense bliss. "Oh......my Goddesses.....yes.....
>>Link...YES!"
FADE OUT
FADE BACK IN
(Hiro is covered in dried blood, contentedly tinkering with the
detonated self detonation device. Celia is playing Gameboy,
and Sally is curled up in a seat reading Jane Eyre.)
>>I bucked my head back as my cries tore into the air....
>>UNGH...Link...Oh Goddesses....LINK! I screamed as
>>I reached my peak and gushed down Link's legs, the juices
>>dripping down his side and onto the floor. JENNA!....Link
>>screamed as he climaxed, releasing into me again.
(They all glance at the screen, sigh, then go back to what
they’re doing.)
FADE OUT
FADE BACK IN
(To the various corners of the now-quiet theater are strewn:
Hiro’s bloody baseball bat, a still beeping Gameboy, Sally’s
copy of Jane Eyre, an inflatable skeleton with silver thong panties
on it, Celia’s laptop with smoke coming out of it, Sally’s Sephiroth
statue who seems to be dueling with her Hajime Saitou statue,
Celia’s noose, some broken glass, an empty bottle of Tylenol,
(TM) blood-spattered Maori poi balls, a ninja sword, Mentos
(TM) wrappers, an empty jar of peanut butter, a laser pointer,
and an Erector Set. (TM)
Hiro, Celia and Sally are back in their seats, watching the end
of the fic.)
>>Link surly
Hiro: Link is surly?
Celia: After this indignity, I don’t blame him.
>>made this a memorable night, one that appeared in my
>>dreams more then once.
Celia: And our nightmares, to be sure.
All: (Awkward, weak laughter)
>>Even during the times when we were separated, too far
>>for us to communicate telepathically,
Hiro: Because the long distance telepathy rates were too high.
All: (More weak, halfhearted laughter)
>>I often dreamed of that night, the night where we expressed
>>our deepest love for each other,
Sally: *JennaMarySue* “Or rather, when we grunted our
deepest love for each other.”
All: (Flinch at the words. Silence)
>>from the special bond we share. A bond that cannot be
>>broken.
Sally: Even with a chainsaw?
(Silence.)
(More silence. The screen is black.)
Hiro: Is...that it?
Celia: No more “are you ready for more of my love, my love?”
All: (Cringe at her words.)
Sally: I...guess not. I think we can leave.
Celia: Leave? (Looks at Sally sharply) Leave? We can leave?
Hiro: It seems so. I think it’s over.
(Slowly, hesitantly, they get up from their seats. They leave the
theater just as hesitantly, trying not to look at the mess it has
become.)
------------------------------
(Back in the main cabin of the Satellite of OCD, a hologram of
Dr. Forrester is already awaiting them)
Dr. Forrester: Well, there you all are! A very interesting
experiment. Interesting indeed. How are you all feeling?
Hiro: (shrugs) Fine.
Sally & Celia: (Look at each other, shrug) Okay.
Dr. Forrester: ...Is that so?
Celia: Yep. I’m okay.
Sally: I think we needed to blow off steam, is all.
Dr. Forrester: Oh. Really. Well then, why not cue up
another chapter for tomorrow?
(Offscreen we hear TV’s Frank scream “NOOOOO!”)
Dr. Forrester: Oh, stop being such a big baby, Frank.
They’re just fine. Aren’t you?
All: (shrug) Yeah.
Dr. Forrester: (Perplexed) Well...Good! Then I’ll just dig
around in My Inner Life and see what else I can find to give
you!
(The hologram fades out.)
(Hiro, Celia & Sally all look aimlessly around the cabin.)
Celia: Well. What now?
Sally: It’s late. Maybe we should clean up.
Hiro: (rubs some of the dried blood off his head) Yeah.
That sounds like a good idea.
(They begin to shuffle around, pretending to straighten up.)
Celia: Uhh, guys? What if Dr. Forrester really does give us...
You know, another...
Hiro: (Sharply) He won’t.
Sally: Celia, he wouldn’t really do that to us.
Hiro: He would. But he won’t.
Celia: How can you be...
Hiro: He just won’t.
(Celia and Sally look at each other, shrug, then go back to
pretending to clean up.
In the background, the original Legend Of Zelda game remains
on pause, the sound muted, the pixilated elf hero frozen in a
battle with a really bizarre creature.)
(FADE OUT)
-----------------------------------------------
Deeeeesclaimers:
Link, Navi, Hyrule, Zelda, Impa and all things Zelda related
are (C) Nintendo. Dr. Forrester and the rest of Mystery
Science Theater 3000 are (C) Bad Brains the peeps who did
that awesome show or something. Heero Yuy, who does NOT
appear in this MST, and Gundam Wing and all things Gundam,
are (C) Bandai. “My Inner Life” is (C) Link’s Queen. The MST
is copyright ME!
MSted by Jules juleskd@optonline.net
Previous experiments:
"Dimensions" (FFVII)
"Revelations" (FFVII lemon)
"The Lost Love" (Vampire Hunter D)
"Shittobukai" (FFVII)
Keep circulating the .doc files!
>>the new sensation causing my back to arc again as my soft
>>moans suddenly turned into loud tiger cries.
>>"Oh....my Goddesses....grrrr....