CAN SHARKS STAY IN THE SWIM

ONCE AGAIN IT'S SHARK WEEK, THAT GLORIOUS TIME OF YEAR WHEN THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL FLOOD'S THE AIRWAVES WITH RIVETING PROGRAMS ABOUT THE TIGER'S OF THE DEEP.

NOW IN IT'S TENTH YEAR SHARK WEEK IS A BONANZA FOR SHARK BUFFS, A CHANCE TO SEE YET ANOTHER WAVE OF INTREPID UNDERWATER PHOTOGRAPHERS, MARINE BIOLOGISTS AND YUPPIE ECOTOURIST VENTURE INTO THE BRINY DEPTHS TO SEE WHAT THE MOST FEARED CREATURES ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH HAVE BEEN UP TO.

THIS YEAR'S FESTIVAL PROMISES TO BE THE BEST EVER, WITH A FISTFUL OF PREMIRES PLUS A TERRIFFIC GREATEST HITS PROGRAM ENTITLED SHARK BITES; A DECADE OF SHARK WEEK.

I BOW TO NO MAN IN MY FASCINATION WITH THE MYSTERIOUS GREENLAND SHARK, THE BIZARRE HAMMERHEAD SHARK AND THAT OLD RELIABLE, THE GREAT WHITE.

YET THE TIME HAS COME TO ISSUE A WARNING TO ALL THOSE ANIMALS THAT HAVE PROVIDED ME WITH ENDLESS HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT OVER THE YEARS, WATCH YOUR BACKS.

I SAY THIS BECAUSE AN EVEN MORE AMAZING DISCOVERY CHANNEL SERIES "THE ULTIMATE GUIDE" CLEARLY DEMONSTRATES THAT SOME OTHER SPECIES ARE RAPIDLY GAINING ON SHARKS.

BASED ON WHAT I DID SEE SHARKS COULD BE FACING SERIOUS PRIME-TIME COMPETITION; NOT ONLY FROM SUCH OLD STANDBYS, AS LION'S, TIGER'S AND THE GREAT APE'S - BUT ALSO FROM SUCH A RESURGENT SPECIES AS THE WOLF, WHAT'S MORE IS EVEN THE ORDINARY DOG IS STARTING TO PUT SOME POINTS ON THE SCOREBOARD.

IF SHARKS HAVE ANY FLAW IN THEIR REPETOIRE IT IS A LACK OF VARIETY IN THEIR PERFORMANCES.

SURE YOU CAN COUNT ON THEM FOR A GOOD FEEDING FRENZY AND NOBODY, BUT NOBODY CAN TEAR A BABY SEAL APART LIKE THOSE SAVVY OLD PROS.

BUT THEY HAVE A TENDENCY TO EAT AND RUN, AND AS THE "ULTIMATE GUIDE" SERIES PROVES; SEVERAL OTHER SPECIES ARE CAPABLE OF MUCH MORE EDIFYING HIGH-JINKS.

ONE EPISODE SHOWS ORANGUTANS HELPING THEIR TEMPORARILY SIGHTLESS KEEPERS BY PULLING BUCKETS OFF THE KEEPERS HEADS; AND THEN GUIDING THEM TO HIDDEN TREATS.

THERE'S JUST NO WAY THAT SHARKS IN THEIR LESSER INTELLIGENCE COULD PULL OFF THAT STUNT WITH THE SAME PENACHE.

A SECOND EPISODE SHOWS TRAINED DOGS SNIFFING OUT MALIGNAT MELONOMAS IN HUMANS.

AGAIN MR. AND MRS. JAWS WOULD BE TOTALLY OUT OF THEIR DEPTH.

TO STAY AHEAD OF THE PACK, SHARKS MIGHT WANT TO MIX THINGS UP A BIT, PERHAPS BY SHOLLOWING ONE OF THOSE UNDERWATER CAMERAS WHOLE OR BY TAKING A NIP OUT OF ONE OF THOSE ECOTOURIST.

IT'S NOTHING TO BE SHAMED OF - EVEN A GREAT SHOW LIKE SEINFELD HAD A COUPLE OF MEDDLING SEASONS AND NEEDED TO REINVENT ITSELF.

FINALLY, SINCE I AM PLANNING TO SPEND SOME TIME IN THE OCEAN THIS YEAR, I DO HOPE THAT THE TIGERS OF THE DEEP DON'T FEEL THAT I AM DISSING THEM.

THIS IS JUST CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM GUYS.

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

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