NOW IT CAN BE TOLD

LAST FALL A MASKED MAGICIAN GARNERED HUGE RATINGS WITH A PRIME-TIME SPECIAL IN WHICH HE DIVULGED THE TRICKS OF THE TRADE.

SUPPOSEDLY HIS FELLOW MAGICIANS WERE FURIOUS AT HIM, AND FEARING REPRISALS; HE HAS YET TO REVEAL HIS IDENTITY.

THE SHOW WAS SO SUCCESSFUL THAT THE MASKED MAGICIAN RECENTLY RESURFACED WITH A SECOND MYTH-SHATTERING FOX SPECIAL.

IN BREAKING THE MAGICIAN'S CODE: MAGIC'S BIGGEST SECRETS FINALLY REVEALED, THE SINISTER-LOOKING FELLOW REVEALED HOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO SHOOT HIS FEMALE ASSISTANTS THROUGH THE HEART WITH AN ARROW AND STICK SWORDS THROUGH THEIR SKULLS WITHOUT DOING PERMANENT PHYSICAL HARM.

AS IT TURNS OUT, MANY "SECRETS" WERE NOT ALL THAT MYSTERIOUS; WITH MIRRORS, BOGUS RESTRAINT DEVICES AND IDENTICAL TWINS DOMINATING THE PROCEEDINGS.

PERSONALLY, I FIND THE IDEA OF A SHOW WHERE EXPERTS DIVULGE THEIR MOST JEALOUSLY GUARDED SECRETS UNBELIEVABLY ENTICING.

SO HERE ARE A FEW SUGGESTIONS: WASHINGTON WEEK IN REVIEW'S SECRETS FINALLY REVEALED, EVERY FRIDAY HOST KEN BODE HAS TO SIT THERE AND AVOID GAGGING WHEN SOMEBODY SAYS "ITS DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN" OR "ITS A WIN-WIN SITUATION FOR THE PRESIDENT."

THE SECRET; BODE WEARS A FLAMBOYANT TIE SO VIEWERS WILL NOT NOTICE HIS FATIGUED FACIAL EXPRESSION.

SECRETS OF A GENERIC MID-SEASON COMEDY REPLACEMENT FINALLY REVEALED, THE TWO GUYS FROM THE PIZZA PLACE ARE TALKING, AND THE GIRL WHO LIVES UPSTAIRS IS LISTENING, AND NOBODY IS SAYING ANYTHING VERY FUNNY, BUT THE LAUGH TRACK IS EXPLODING AS IF THIS WAS THE "CHUCKLES BITES THE DUST" EPISODE FROM THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW.

THE SECRET; THE PRODUCERS BORROW THE LAUGH TRACK FROM "CHUCKLES BITES THE DUST" TRIPLE THE VOLUME AND HOPE THE AUDIENCE WON'T NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE.

SECRETS OF PRIMETIME LIVE FINALLY REVEALED, ARMED WITH TEST-TUBES AND PETRI DISHES; THE NEWSMAGAZINE CONDUCTS AN INVESTIGATION INTO UNSANITARY CONDITIONS IN HOTELS AND PROMOTES IT AS IF THEY DISCOVERED WHO REALLY KILLED KENNEDY.

MILLIONS OF AMERICANS WATCH.

THE SECRET: WHEN DIANE SAWYER ANNOUNCES AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW THAT PRIMETIME LIVE FOUND "STAINS, BACTERIA AND MORE," EVERYBODY IN AMERICA IS HOPING THAT SAWYER HERSELF, NOT SOME ASSISTANT, IS GOING TO GET DOWN ON HER HANDS AND KNEES AND CHECK OUT THOSE BATHROOMS.

SECRETS OF THE PEOPLE'S COURT FINALLY REVEALED, EVERY DAY JUDGE ED KOCH HANDS DOWN A SOLOMONIC RULING ON SOME RIDICULOUS LAWSUIT THAT LEAVES EVERYONE IMPRESSED BY HIS FAIRNESS.

THE SECRET: KOCH WAS NEW YORK MAYOR FOR 12 YEARS AND HAS DEALT WITH MORE CLOWNS THAN ANYONE THIS SIDE OF BARNUM AND BAILEY.

SECRETS OF STONE PHILLIPS FINALLY REVEALED, FOR YEARS PHILLIPS HAS BEEN USING THE SAME FACIAL GESTURES AS DAN RATHER; THE SAME VOCAL INFLECTIONS AS RATHER AND THE SAME FOLKSY TREKS THROUGH THE WOODS AS RATHER.

YET BECAUSE HE'S SO BLAND NOBODY REALLY GETS ON HIS CASE AS A RATHER CLONE.

THE SECRET: WHEN HE WANTS TO SOUND LIKE THE AVERAGE GUY, PHILLIPS WEARS STONEWASHED SHIRTS; NEVER SWEATERS

END