Welcome back to another edition of the obscurely educational – yet totally incoherent – column with me, your condescending – yet self-contradicting – host. Straight from the censors, I promise to deliver sensational truths that you can disbelieve right away, if only because you have no pulse. Today's topic is the programming of the human psyche.

I'm joined today by University of Colorado Boulevard at Wilshire Boulevard professor Shylock Schaep, the leading researcher in the field of studying messed-up people. Unlike most researchers, Schaep himself programs his subjects from childhood in order to make his discoveries. His latest product, X.U. 135, is a prepubescent male whom Schaep says is the most average prepubescent male ever created. He accomplished this through putting X.U. 135 on a steady diet of MTV, soft-core pornography, fat from Taco Bell chalupas, caffeine (fed intravenously every day) and hormones to make him even hornier!

"Yes, X.U., whom I affectionately call 'Mongrel,' is the most perfect subject for study, because whatever the average prepubescent male will do, Mongrel, who sometimes will pee on my foot to show affection, will do to the extreme. Hence, Mongrel can be mass-produced for all those experiments that need to be done: Do those 'Sweet and Low' packets really cause cancer? What really happens to a person's body when in a car speeding into a wall? Now we will know," Schaep said.

With such a tool at his disposal, Schaep has made breakthroughs in the field of learning how it is that people are programmed to do whatever you tell them to do. His first experiment, "Ear Thingy," deals with musical programming. When Mongrel hears the music of a Mozart symphony, he falls asleep immediately from boredom.

However, when a loud monotonous bass beat is added to the same music, suddenly Mongrel comes alive with hip gyrations and head banging, becoming the rhythmless fop that you no doubt were in middle school.

For the next experiment, "Eye See," Mongrel is strapped in a chair while he is watching colorful MTV images splicing into each other faster than you can say "A Clockwork Orange." One can see the dazed look he has from the images overloading his senses. He whines when it is turned off.

This is later contrasted with a showing of the 1943 film "Casablanca," starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. Mongrel watches the screen confused, first by the black and white photography, then by the absence of gratuitous sex, then by the scary fact that he's not being visually overloaded, thereby making him feel somehow empty. Mongrel falls asleep again.

The final experiment, "Read Stuff," consists of Mongrel reading about various things and rating them from 0 to 212. For example, when reading a description of old guys, The Rolling Stones for example, Mongrel rates them as being 0. However, when the same descriptions are used but under a new, fictional band, N'SLAVE, Mongrel gives it a 213 and must then be given a sedative.

Schaep claims creating a Mongrel is not very difficult. After all, MTV and chalupa fat are readily available. If you can't find these specifically, you can easily feed your own Mongrel with endless permutations of the same pop ditties, Pokemon episodes and Twinkie lard.

And now, I will attempt to interview Mongrel. How do you feel?

"I feel like I can fly. I feel like I can touch the sky," Mongrel said.

Is being a guinea pig really what you want out of life?

"In the end, it doesn't even matter. I had to fall and lose it all," Mongrel said.

Is there anything you'd like to say to anyone?

"Yeah, check it, check it. Won't you be my girlfriend? I'll treat you good girl. You'll be my shining star, one I need, darling babeeeeeeeee … " Mongrel said before collapsing into a coma, giving Schaep the opportunity to stick little things in Mongrel's body.

Mongrel represents a gigantic leap in proving that it is increasingly easy to get people to buy into crap. After all, if record companies can produce demand for subpar products, then why would they spend the extra effort to release good stuff? Disclaimer: Failed mongrel members may become drunk talk show hosts. Join me next time for a follow-up interview when Mongrel wakes up from his coma and describes dreams of Britney Spears' navel dirt.