WARNING: Adult-Themed Humor - Not for those under 18!
ALL 100 FORTUNES...
You will be chased by tiny bears that only you can see.
Your life will turn to utter shit - oops, too late.
A little green man will nail your balls to a toilet seat.
You will soon meet a tall, dark drag queen.
Your son will pursue a career onstage after changing his name to "Virginia Hamm".
Your spouse will soon leave you for a Shetland Pony.
The ghosts of all the pets you've ever owned will show up tonight all wanting to be fed.
Your new digital camera will shatter to pieces when you accidentally look into the lens.
God will soon reveal to you that your are actually the only mistake He's ever made.
You will discover that the hilarious laughter in your doctor's office comes from the staff passing your X-rays around.
Your neighbor's new "Clapper" will also turn off your pacemaker.
You will be horrified at the results when you ask your girlfriend who is an undertaker to "give you head."
Your next fart will have lumps in it.
You will live four more seconds after doctors accidentally replace your heart with a baked potato.
Your next EEG will eerily parallel the growth-rate chart of Enron.
You will die of embarrassment on the golf course after misunderstanding the purpose of the "ball washer."
The palm reader will glance at your palm, look at you horrified, and order you out of her parlor.
Sorry - no fortune for you, shithook.
The cookie you just broke open was coated with a rare poison - you will die in five minutes.
Your home will look much nicer after your wife begins a lesbian affair with Martha Stewart.
There is no conspiracy - it's actually the highly poisonous spiders living in your mailbox who have been opening your mail.
After sobering up, you will realize that the little girl you kidnapped is actually "Tiny Tina, the Midget Dominatrix."
The Chinese food you just ate will soon insist on exiting by the same route it entered.
Your son will spend an inordinate amount of time playing with the neighbor's "big joystick."
You will spend the rest of your life cursing the "yellow face" after some punk steals your "precious."
You will become suspicious when your new wife refuses to undress with the lights on and insists on only having sex "from behind."
Relax, your penis will not be cut off and thrown into a field - it will wind up in a dumpster instead.
You will win the "scariest costume" award at the next Halloween party, though you will not be wearing one.
Your wife will explain that it was purely a business decision to "outsource" her sexual needs.
Your son will go straight from diapers to incontinence pants.
Your proctologist will tell you with a grin that he recommends a "foaming beefsteak enema."
You will become insanely jealous when you discover your eight year-old daughter can score higher quality heroin than you.
Your son's girlfriend will mysteriously gain weight then suddenly loose it all over a nine-month period.
Well, so much for this fortune ... better luck next time.
After you die next week, God will reveal that yes, He really was out to get you.
The cook pissed in your Moo Moo Gai Pan.
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Ignore what Stars say. Stars LIE! Fortune Cookie tell you TRUTH!
Your husband will be asked to model as a Neanderthal for your anthropology class.
It's no coincidence that you thought part of the meal you just ate looked like dog shit.
You will be asked to act as Grand Marshall in this year's "Total Fucking Looser" parade.
That irritating "wah-wah-wah" sound your phone is making is not a technical problem - it's actually your mother-in-law's voice.
You will soon discover that no one on the whole World Wide Web is willing to have cyber-sex with you.
"This fortune has caused an illegal operation and will now shut down. Please access the menu and restart your dinner."
Yes, the "Matrix" is real, but your nervous system is too old and slow to handle it.
Don't look up from this fortune - just keep your eyes on it. Now, slowly remove your wallet and drop it on the floor..."
You'll soon find out why the mushrooms you just ate tasted kind of "funny".
There I was, nice and safe inside my cookie ... then you had to yank me out into the cruel world ... I HATE YOU!!!
You will soon make an urgent dash to the restroom.
You will rub your breasts and squeeze your nipples every time you see George Clooney. Your wife will do the same.
All right. One more fortune and that's it. Ready? YOU SUCK! There...
Humm, what? Oh, I'm sorry... Were you wanting a fortune?
Look on the bright side; You may have lost all your teeth, but it makes you a much better cocksucker!
Did you know that Hitler farts all day long in Hell? Well, you'll soon find out for yourself.
Your friends will compliment you on how well you've learned to speak Klingon, though you're actually choking on a piece of bone.
You will buy yourself a new computerized butt-plug after you discover your wife's I.U.D. can pick up wireless network signals.
ON STRIKE! - Support Fortune Cookie Writers local #298!
Me Chinese. Me Play Joke. Me put pee-pee in your coke!
Your kids do NOT have "Chinese Eyes" ... they're just chronically stoned.
You will fail as a gigolo when your first customer asks you to "super-size it."
I got yer fortune hangin', motherfucker!
You find out too late that those automatic milking machines will not stop until they get a gallon.
Everything will soon go completely black, but that's ok - you always liked their music anyway.
You plastic surgeon will swap the positions of your hands and feet as a joke.
No matter how hard you'll try to deny it, you'll have to admit that new baby goat does look like you.
You will soon be the victim of a drive-by spanking.
You will be ... and that will just have to be enough for you.
You will make a surprise return after your death when a gas main under your grave explodes.
Did you see what your wife was doing with those egg rolls? WOW!
The security guards will be so amused by your ineptness as a robber that they will send you out of the bank with a swift kick in the ass.
You will realize too late that the gold coins you invested your life savings in have chocolate centers.
Your ability to swallow a whole salami will be a big hit with the talent show judges.
It's ok that you don't believe in God ... HE doesn't believe in you, either.
If God is Love - and you should Love everyone - does that mean you have to Lord it over them?
It doesn't matter that he's a priest and is supposed to obey the Ten Commandments and all, your neighbor is coveting thy husband's cock.
You will finally, truly appreciate the "birth experience" when your wife shoves a football up your ass.
You will soon find yourself explaining to the paramedics that "it looked so easy when the coyote did it in that cartoon."
You will be repeatedly turned down by your wife's answering cervix.
You will soon get the song "The Name Game" stuck in your head for all of eternity.
Don't look now, but part of your dinner is crawling off the plate.
Don't bother asking for a doggie bag, you won't need one. Don't you know better than to leave your dog in the car at a Chinese restaurant?
We know you love your cat - and now you've loved him for the last time in that delicious meal you've just had!
"Bee" healthy - eat your honey!
"Why do stars fall down from the sky / Every time you walk by?" ... it's probably your ungodly smell.
You will soon be horrified to learn that "shitting nickles" is not just a figure of speech.
Regardless of what the clerk at the perfume counter told you, "Satan's Asshole" is NOT the new fragrance all the women are wearing this year.
Is that your arm-pit hair, or do you have Tina Turner in a choke-hold?
It will be almost a year after your husband comes home from prison before he remembers that you have a pussy, too.
You will soon be asking Martha Stewart if she has any Grey Poupon, but find that it's impossible for her to pass it to you through the bars between your cells.
You will be the embarrassment of the lumberjack fraternity when "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" says you don't qualify as a candidate.
Thanks to a group of homosexual necrophiliac morticians, life will continue to fuck you in the ass even after you're dead.
OUCH, GODDAMNIT! How would you like it if I cracked YOUR ass open?
You have the body of a 17 year-old and the brains of a wise man - at least until the police discover them in the trunk of your car.
Don't kid yourself - your wife may be a great parole officer, but that's not why all those bikers are showing up at her office.
Don't worry about the lipstick stains on your husband's underwear, it didn't come from a woman kissing him there ... it just rubbed off his dick.
You will be kicked out of bartending school for mixing metaphors.
Maybe you should seek help before you kill again - but what the hell would a Fortune Cookie know?
My last fortune went to Bill Gates, and look what happened to him! However, I have something more in the line of John Bobbet for you...
YOU'VE JUST OPENED THE LUCKY 100th FORTUNE COOKIE! Lucky for us - not you. Please pay double.
