Pairing: Draco/Blaise.

Rating: PG-13.

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Characters owned by J.K. Rowling.

Summary: Harry Potter fancies boys. Draco Malfoy thus must fancy boys as well. He turns to Blaise Zabini for assistance.

When it became known that Harry Potter fancied boys, Draco Malfoy immediately tried to bribe Blaise Zabini to go out with him. When thus propositioned, the dark-haired boy frowned and said, "I didn't know you fancied boys."

"I don't," Draco said with a lift of his chin that signalled he was above all this nonsense.

"Then why do you want to go out with me?"

"I don't," Malfoy said, now clearly irritated that Blaise was missing the point. "I just want it to look as though we're going out. You're gay, aren't you?" Draco made an impatient gesture with his hand. "You can be the girl."

There was a long silence after that. Eventually Blaise muttered, "You're nutters."

"But you'll do anything for money," Draco said with thorough certainty.

The other boy's attention sank back to his textbook and he shook his head. "I've all the money I need, Draco."

Indignation rose to strangle Malfoy's throat. He crossed his arms huffily. "Then what will it take?"

"Nothing. I'm not interested." Blaise flipped a page lazily.

"Surely there's something you--"

"Is this about Potter?" the other boy said without looking up. Draco fell silent. "Because if it is, I have to say you're being a bit pathetic. There's nothing glamorous about being gay, I'll have you know."

"Unless you're perfect Potter," Draco sneered, puffs of angry air emphasising his words. "He should be ostracized! Taunted and hated. Instead, he's got half the Hogwarts male population fawning over him."

Blaise darted an amused glance over the rim of his book. "Jealous?"

"Hardly." Poison dribbled from the word. "I just want to prove there's nothing special about being gay. Even I can be gay. This is where you'd come in, of course. I need... well, gay parties to assist me."

"Oh, I see. It begs the question," Blaise smirked, closing his book and setting it over his knees. He clasped his hands loosely over it. "Are you a method actor or the kind to go for superficial glamour?"

A puzzled look came over Draco's features. "What do you mean?"

"Well, if we're to put up a convincing show, you can't simply claim to be gay and going out with me without offering up evidence. Should we kiss--"

Draco made a disgusted face.

"--people won't be terribly impressed if you look like that afterwards." Blaise clucked his tongue and went back to his book. "Give it up."

"I can be gay!" Draco huffed.

"Since you've appointed me the resident expert on gayness, I should say not. Now if you'll excuse me, my gay self needs to get back to his gay studies so he can pass his gay NEWTs."

"You're mocking me."

"Gayly."

"Stop it!"

"Only if you stop being an idiot." Blaise looked up. Draco sulked, but he said nothing. "Are you willing to listen to me, then? If we're to do this, you'll have to do exactly as I say."

Draco looked as though he wanted to protest. A warning look from the other boy discouraged him. "Fine."

Putting his book away, Blaise rose from his bed and approached the smaller boy. "First rule to being gay. You do not tell other people you're gay."

Draco clucked his tongue.

"Something you want to say?"

"Well, what's the point, then? I mean, Potter told--"

"Harry told no one. Justin caught him snogging another boy in the Gryffindor loo. He told Lavender, who then impressed the whole Wizarding World with her uncanny abilities to spread news faster than a howler on a rampage."

Draco pouted again. It was quite an unattractive sight and Blaise sighed dramatically. "Second rule to being gay, there are no 'girls' in the relationship, unless you're into role-play. Since we're not going to touch kink for now, we'll settle for a nice balanced partnership. Are you understanding so far?"

"I'm not daft," Draco hissed.

Blaise coughed. "Regardless of gender roles, there will be times where one of us will need to lead."

"This isn't the fucking Yule ball," Malfoy snapped. "You're not teaching me to dance, which, by the by, I can do a hundred times better than anyone in this pathetic school."

"Are you through?"

"Yes."

"I'm not talking about dancing, you prat. I'm talking about leading every day things, like kissing."

Draco's eyes widened. "You kiss every day?"

Trying to muster every bit of his patience, Blaise pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's traditional for any couple, gay or not, to indulge in daily displays of affection. This includes, yes, kissing."

"Ew."

"Third rule to being gay; you do not say 'ew' to your partner when kissing is being discussed. Now then, have you ever kissed a girl?" Blaise tried not to smirk. It wasn't easy while watching the pale face darken to an appalled pink.

"Of course I have."

"Good. There's no 'special' accommodation to a gay kiss. You just let it happen."

"Melt into your strong manly arms?"

"If you're not going to be serious, I have better things to do with my time."

"Like what? There are no Quidditch practice after-showers for you to raid." At the look of warning on Blaise's face, Draco relented. "Okay, fine. So it's no different from kissing a girl. Anything else?"

"I don't do hand-holding."

"I am inclined to agree with you."

"And I swear, Draco, if I hear one endearment that includes the use of foodstuff, fairytale creatures or sweet treats, I will tell Lavender Brown that you sleep with a stuffed snake."

"So 'pumpkin', 'goblin' and 'honey' are out?"

"Unless you want Hogwarts to know how you like to pet Mr Seviekins' head before you fall asleep."

Draco flushed again.

"And you say you're not gay," Blaise muttered, turning toward the exit. "Are you coming?"

"Wait! I'm not ready! What does one wear when out on a gay outing?"

"Obviously not one's pride," Blaise groaned as he stalked out of the dormitory.

It was all bloody Potter's fault. He was going to give the boy hell for suggesting the Gryffindor loo in the first place.