THE DAILY PROPHET NEWS
ANTI-HOWLER LOBBYISTS CALL FOR POSTAL PRIVACY
LONDON-With an ironically fervent display of heated emotions, a faction of teenage witches and wizards called for the abolition of Howlers as a form of communication in the magic community. The students lobbied before the Ministry of Magic Postal Division last week, demanding that the sale of the tumultuous, scolding postcards be completely discontinued in the best interest of the entire population.
Unless you are an innocent, angelically behaved person, you probably have received at least one Howler in your lifetime. (Young readers, do not fear, your day will come.) Even if you have not been the lucky beneficiary of a howler, chances are that you have witnessed at least one person cower under the earsplitting yells of a Howler. In any case, the process is usually the same. The unsuspecting victim, frequently a school child like the lobbyists mentioned above, is visited by an owl that carries an ominous, red, smoking envelope. Once opened, this little bit of paper gives way to the magically magnified voice of a supervisor, parent, or other authority figure, who proceeds to lecture the recipient at exceedingly high volumes. If not opened right away, as far too many poor recipients discover, the message will explode.
The teens lobbying before the MoM last week brought along a petition signed by hundreds of youngsters, for the ban of Howlers altogether. They argued their case to the Ministry from several angles. Their most frequent complaint emphasized the humiliation and physical and emotional torture that recipients of Howlers endure. Says Miss. B. Haven, "I got one from my mum, and she yelled all morning at me, and I never even stole that broomstick." Mr. I. Good concurred with, "The owl delivered my mate’s Howler to me instead, and I won’t ever hear right again." Beyond these touching sentiments, lobbyists complained that Howlers that explode put recipients and bystanders in physical danger. Moreover, they argue that a Howler received in a public place poses a liability to the continued concealment of the entire magical community.
Ministry representatives refused to comment to this reporter, but allegedly did little to quell the lobbyists’ concerns. Reportedly one Percy Weasley, from the Department of International Magical Cooperation, was heard saying, "Well I never had a problem with Howlers as a schoolboy, and I believe anyone who ever received one quite deserved it and it served them right. I was just about to send one to my brother George…" Updates are sure to come with the Postal Division’s official response to these complaints. Anyone interested in signing the Anti-Howler Petition or joining the lobbyist force may do so by calling 1-800-HUSH.