Heero's P.O.V. ...

The war was over. No one had to die anymore.
I never actually thought I'd see the end of it. The odds were so poor.
It
couldn't get past my head that despite the fact that I've courted death
uncountable times, I was still alive to experience any form of loss…
It was so rare, so damn rare, for anyone to die of any other way save
for a
bullet or a blast or something messy in relation to violence. No one
died of
disease anymore, or, or old age.
Post-war, when you're no longer so busy trying to preserve yourself,
you get
to look around and see how small the population suddenly was. How much
quieter the streets were, how much less the members of each family.
But you were supposed to feel at least some form of elation for
survival.
Survival.
So why did this have to come now?
War's over.
Even better, we won.
But why…?!
Catherine Bloom, had just asked the same thing. I was relieved that she
had
voiced it, because my throat was itching to blurt it out.
"I don't know" Duo replied with a slight smile. I noticed how drawn
those
distracted violet eyes were, "no one could claim to. Save for God. But
you
bet there's a good reason, wherever it is"
That was when? Three hours ago, when we found out that Trowa was dying
on
us. Damn deserter (1). Deserters got shot during the war, insubordinate
(2)
fools. Cowards.
The doctor had said it was something about a tumor, that has spread for
lack
of attention. Inoperable, blah, blah, blah, God, I lost half of it. And
I
never lose half of anything, and Trowa never got sick, and the world
couldn't suddenly turn upside down.
A month, at most.
At least I got that last part. Trowa had a month left.
"That's it, huh?" asked Quatre bitterly, "we wait. That's all"
"I'm sorry" the doctor had said, before leaving us.
Not as sorry as I am, you bastard.
We; myself, Quatre Winner, Duo Maxwell, Chang Wufei and Catherine
Bloom,
were in the waiting room of Vassily Medical, an expansive new facility
on
Earth, not far from the infamous Sanc.
Like all hospitals, it was clean and orderly and busy and gloomy and
depressing.
I had the waiting area all to myself by now, for everyone had gone off
to
see him, in that room. Except for Wufei. He's on that phone over there
by
the receptionist's desk, I can see him past the glass enclosing the
place I
was in. Always been stubborn. I could read his lips from here. Useful
skill,
and I would have understood more except I lost interest, since barely
thirty
seconds into the conversation I already knew what it was about.
His mouth had formed the words 'Sally Po' and "second opinion' and I
was
clued in. Wufei, apparently, found the doctor's conclusion
unacceptable.
Then he slammed the phone down, shared a glare with the nurse at the
desk,
then walked away in a huff, towards the elevators and not Trowa's room,
I
noticed.
Then there was nothing else for me to do, but sit and wait.
I hadn't noticed how much time had passed, when Duo's head popped into
the
room and the expression on his face scolded me, wordlessly effective.
He held my gaze for a long moment—particularly long, since Duo found it
profoundly hard to be quiet. But as usual, I out-stared him. Small
victory,
in a day full of misery.
He sighed. "Trowa's going to wonder why you haven't come to visit"
"He won't" I said simply, and went no further than that. It was true,
though. Trowa knows me. I don't like scenes. And while I'm perfectly
agreeable to staying here and offering what Duo would refer to as
'moral
support,' I had no plans of going into that room and watching people
grovel.
No, maybe that's not it after all. I had no plans of going into that
room
and getting tempted to grovel with them.
I felt my face scowl at the analysis.
"There's no reason to be scared" Duo told me wearily, earning a
well-deserved glare for using his knowledge of me in a verbal battle.
Not
fair. He has more practice.
"Not scared" I muttered, feeling like a child.
"Death comes sooner or later—" he was saying, but I cut him off.
"I've heard this before" I snapped, "And I don't need to hear it again,
least of all from you—"
He cut me off too, evening the score.
"Some of us just have to go before others" he finished.
Silence. It was unbearable, in a room with Duo. Painfully unnatural.
Sure,
he seldom ever says what he really means, usually making silly,
irrelevant
and unhelpful commentary. But I had a feeling it made him feel better.
It's
either that, or maybe he really couldn't breathe unless his mouth was
open
after all.
"I'm aware of that" I told him flatly. "Everyone is"
But that didn't take the pain away.
I didn't want to see Trowa. It hurt too much.
Each person had his or her own fears. A lot of them would call me
courageous
because I was a Gundam pilot, death raining on all sides of me. But
that's
not courage, not really. Courage was when you stand up to your fears,
and my
fear was just focused elsewhere.
Today, I was still a pilot, and death still rained on all sides of me.
But
the mortality rate excluded me, and instead of a devastated terrain or
a
wreck-strewn space, the battlefield was more intimate, daunting and
unquestionable, just beneath a room, in a quiet hospital. There was a
zero
chance of survival, there was no way to fight back, and the enemy was
within.
I'm not a fool. I've long since lived with the fact that I could lose
anyone
at any given time. But I hadn't thought it would be this way.
"Heero," Duo said wearily. I felt like a child, getting reprimanded.
"The
guy's got a month left. At most. No matter how ugly you are or how
lethal
your expression, he'll want to see you"
"Later" I grunted, crossing my fingers as I shifted my weight. Promises
meant a lot to me, and I wasn't planning to break anything. Unmade
promises
can't be broken, after all.
The last one had been Relena's, my vow to kill her. But that was
excused,
since she courted death frequently enough without my help anyway, and I
abolished it in favor of the greater good.
"You'd better" threatened Duo. "I'm going with Catherine to grab some
of
Trowa's stuff. Wufei couldn't get Sally Po off-duty immediately, so
he's
going to the colonies to drag her back here personally. Quatre's left
in
there. We couldn't make him budge, and he's tiring. Make sure you
replace
him at least for an hour today, okay?"
Duo, darn him, knew how much promises meant to me, and waited for a
reply I
was loathe to make.
"Yes" I hissed, as he walked away.
I was the pilot of Wing Zero. Why was I allowing myself to be bullied
like
this?
I waited for an hour more, before grudgingly standing up and redeeming
the
word I had released to Duo.
I strolled to the reasonably spacious room, stopping by the door. Like
everything in this damn place it was damn white and damn daunting.
Especially with those damn machines on stand-by, though none of them
were
presently being used, save for an I.V.
Just a precaution, those machines said. Or maybe it was a warning. That
things would only get worse.
The room was well-lit, and as I stepped through, Quatre, who had been
sitting by the bed with his head over crossed arms as he slept, shot
awake
and looked at me with wounded blue eyes.
I suppressed a cringe, feeling as if he was saying, "About time."
He stood up, wordlessly offering me the chair he had just vacated. I
sat
cautiously, keeping my eyes trained on Quatre, on the damn machines, on
the
window, on the blanket. Anything and everything, save for the real
reason
why we were all here.
I fidgeted in my seat, when Quatre had finally walked out of sight.
But even if I couldn't see him anymore, I heard him take a shaky
breath,
introducing a sob that made me wince in sympathy.
"He'll be all right"
Trowa's voice jolted me out of my reverie, and I finally was forced to
train
my eyes on him. Funny, he looked just as he had yesterday, when I
didn't
know anything was wrong. Damn deceptive disease, this was.
"And you?" I mumbled.
"Me too" he replied quietly, glancing wistfully at the door, as if
regarding
Quatre thoughtfully.
I bit my lip, uncertain after so much quick decisiveness in my life.
This
simply wasn't my line. "Have they told you—"
"Yes" he cut me off, knowing I didn't want to be the one to say it. As
I
said, we understood each other. "They told me"
I nodded, wondering what to say now. That's funny. Me. I never thought
I'd
ever worry about that.
"This place is sucking the life right out of me" Trowa said, surprising
me
with a sick grin.
"What am I supposed to say about that?!" I growled, making him chuckle,
therefore making me even more frustrated. "Damn it, Trowa. How can
you—"
"What am I supposed to do?" he asked me jauntily. That challenging
smile was
quietly endearing; and though I wasn't used to seeing it, the smile
seemed…right, somehow. There was nothing awkward about it at all.
"Well?" Trowa persisted, "Am I to cry? Would that be to your
satisfaction,
Heero? Tell you what, let's leave the pity to Quatre and the rest. They
cry
enough to compensate for all of us, don't you think?"
I frowned, deigning to reply.
"Heero, can't you see?" he asked quietly, "All the pretension is
driving me
insane. People crying the moment they step out of my room, smiling
while
they're here. The thought is profoundly touching and I love them the
way
they are. But I'm not dead yet"
"No, you're not" I grunted in agreement. I wanted to say more; Trowa,
yes,
you're still alive. But you can't just switch emotions on and off, or
schedule them. Joy now, grief later. I wish we all could, but we
couldn't.
You can't expect them not to think about losing you now…
"I'm glad we understand each other" he said, sitting up straighter.
"Now
help me out of these things and we're going out"
I must have dropped my jaw.
"What?"
His eyes teased; he seemed to take profound pleasure in catching me
off-guard. It was an exceptional talent that few others could do.
"You heard me" he said, starting to tug at the tubes in his arm, and
therefore forcing me to grab his hand and stop him.
"No" was all I could seem to say.
"Heero," his eyes pleaded now, though his face had returned to that
assuring
familiarity of being impassive. He was darn good at getting what he
wants.
He knew his serious face was the one I found most credible. "You know
as
well as I do, that none of these things will work to keep me any longer
than
I can on my own"
"No" I said again, trying to keep my voice stern. But I heard an edge
of
desperation in my voice; I was well-aware of how determined he was to
get
out of here.
He closed his eyes, making me stand right in the middle of panic and
relief.
Was he in pain? Or was he considering my side?
When he opened them, the emerald was cold and calculating and lethal.
I looked down at his hands, where, sometime along my moment of
distraction,
a gun had appeared.
"I gave you a choice, Heero" he said coldly, "but you didn't take it.
Now
I'm telling you. Bust me out of this place"

I could have lunged at the gun.
I could have, very easily overpowered him.
But the gun in his sure, un-shaking hands, suddenly told me how
desperately
he wanted this.
And a friend of mine, with a month to live, was going to get everything
he
damn well wanted.
But I didn't have to pretend to be ecstatic about it.
We had sneaked out of the hospital through the fire escape. We stole an
inconspicuous car; a battered, dusty, black station wagon.
Within minutes we were out of the hospital compound, into the streets.
I had
the wheel, he had the gun.
"Where am I supposed to take us?" I snapped, when we stopped by the
dictates
of the traffic lights in the city area.
Trowa narrowed his eyes in thought. "highway, to the south"
"Where after that?" I asked grouchily.
He sank in his seat, looking distracted. It was a common tactic; give
the
enemy some illusion of breathing space, to ease the tension. I could
tell,
despite the lowered gun and the lidded emerald eyes, that he was
watching me
very cautiously.
And I was still Heero Yuy, and I could still grab the gun and turn us
around, back to the hospital where everything was dull and simple and
meaningless to either of us.
But he wanted this. And he needed me.
A several-minute drive had the well-lit city scene fading on our sides
against the night. Earth has always been known for its vast expanse of
untamed lands, especially after the population draught due to the
deaths
during the wars and the colonization in space.
There were several, bright dots of major cities along the planet's
surface,
but more of the beautiful seas and vast deserts and fields and
mountains. A
lot of the trails were even unpaved, such as the one we were entering
just
outside of the city limits.
"We're out of the city" I flatly stated the obvious. "Where now?"
"There's a small-scale airport about a two-hour ride from here" replied
Trowa. "biplanes, Heero. Can you believe that?"
I frowned. This wasn't an impulse. He had planned this, and I've been a
pawn
all the while.
I told him as much, making him laugh.
"Never gone on a mission without adequate planning before" he said.
"Unless it's at the point of the gun" I snapped.
He smiled a little, then decided to answer my question. "When I was kid
growing up in the colonies, our mercenary captain caught a traitor.
Nothing
particularly damaging, and he was an old man, but justice in a
mercenary
outfit was swift and decisive. He didn't deny his crimes, and didn't
beg to
be spared from the punishment, which was nothing less than death.
"But he did beg for one thing," he went on fondly, "and that was for a
final
trip to Earth. There was a river, they said. To bathe in it, was to
cleanse
the soul. Absolution, Heero. It captures a child's imagination. I
haven't
thought of it for years. But now that I don't have anything left, I
find I'm
thinking about it again"
I hadn't doubted where we intended to go now. That River. I've heard it
once
or twice, from the mouths of men who had died during the war. Sickbay
was a
bad place to be, after a battle; amputees, blood, death, dying. But I
could
never completely turn away. Trowa was right; the legend captured the
imagination. But when their bodies have quit on them, the men wanted to
save
what they thought could last; their soul.
"Was the old man ever allowed to find it?" I asked.
"It was too much of a bother, they said" Trowa replied with a wistful
expression on his face. "But…I…I served him his food. He left me the
map,
when I delivered his final meal. They shot him in the head, and burnt
the
body with the trash"
"You've been thinking about this for some time" I said grudgingly. I
wanted
to say more; it was unfair. "How long have you known you were…?"
Sick, dying. I couldn't seem to say it.
"Long enough to fix everything" he replied evasively.
"Why me?" I asked, and his brows raised slightly. "Why me?" I asked
again,
"or are you going to tell me I just happened to be the person who
happened
to pop in at the right time? Why me, Trowa?"
"You're all very different people" he said reflectively, "but I
consider
each one as my friend. There are certain friends whom I can depend on
to do
what they think is right or best for me. There are others whom I can
trust
to do what I tell them (12)"
I was somewhat annoyed to be in the second category, but let him say
everything he wanted to.
"Catherine, as I've already learned, puts things into her own hands,
believing it's up to her to look out for me," continued Trowa, "Quatre
I
don't want to burden any more with anything from me. Wufei's too
stubborn to
let me concede to the inevitable. And Duo…he makes it harder for me to
accept, you know?"
No, I didn't. I couldn't understand. Did that mean by default I ended
up as
his chosen companion? Or was there something else?
He sighed. "How do I put it? Look at it from my point of view, Heero.
I'm
leaving soon, and I don't want to have to be unhappy. Taking the others
along makes me feel sorry that I have to go away, because they seem so
sad
about it. But you…you wouldn't take it personally. We wouldn't get
attached
to each other and make this any harder. You'll take care of this as you
do
any mission, Heero. Efficiently, and with little fuss"
I tightened my hold on the wheel.
In my shock I nearly got us killed, that first moment he started
talking
about me. Or what he thought was me.
Not only did I fall under the initiative-less second category, but I
was
also an unfeeling machine. My company was so miserable that taking me
along
would make him want to go away and die, I don't take anything
personally,
and he wouldn't get attached to me. He's just a mission, and I was
little
else of anything.
I thought we understood each other, but he doesn't know me after all.

I parked the car in a warehouse.
The airport was in the middle of nowhere, with middle-of-nowhere folk,
who
had little excitement.
Like a trooper, Trowa gave the manager a big tip, and headed straight
for a
biplane I prayed to God he knew how to operate.
I was a Gundam pilot, and either my brain was too complicated by that
to
understand the supposedly simpler operation of the old craft, or I was
used
to an Automatic.
The plane was a cheerful shade of red, old but fantastically well-kept;
heads would roll if this broke down in the middle of the air, and not
any of
ours.
"Have fun" Trowa told me brightly, leaving me to drive.
Well, if anything he trusted my skills. Since I was a second-class
friend
with zero-attachments and a poor character, he could at least give me
that.
I looked at the controls, deciding they were simple enough. A stick,
some
pedals. I found my blood starting to heat in this funny excitement I
always
get at the thought of a new Gundam. Interesting.
Chuckling to myself as I clumsily tested the controls, the two of us in
the
biplane soon moved down the bumpy runway, and were soaring to the sky.
This was better than a Gundam, I thought fleetingly. The wind was
whipping
at me, the moon was so near, like I was heading straight for it. It was
much
more beautiful from here than on the surface. Ethereal, glowing in that
borrowed light.
My blood was still warm, and I had a sudden urge of wanting to explode
and
expand and be part of the night sky and the stars and the heavens.
Before I could stop myself, I felt my mouth open and form the shape of
a
wide 'O' as I howled into the night, losing myself in the freedom.
Wanting to share my joy, I twisted my head around to look at Trowa, who
had
a strange expression on his face.
I turned away, face reddening.
I'll never forget the way he looked, with the borrowed light of the
moon
further paling his face, with that saturnine expression of wisdom, and
absolute equanimity with the world.

We flew for five hours, before we had to land and refuel, maybe stretch
our
legs a little.
I was always known for record endurance, but I hadn't slept, and I was
starting to get cramped.
As I found out, what the Gundams lacked in scenery, they made up for in
speed and efficiency.
Never mind. I'll never forget that wind and the moon, then the
explosion of
vibrant colors as the sun started to rise amidst the wild spray of
orange
and violet sky. The birds flying by my side, one daring thing even
brushing
past my head. I had yelped in surprise then, and I knew that a person,
perhaps like my old nemesis Zechs Marquise might have found it ironic
that a
bird could catch me off-guard and he couldn't.
We spoke little, Trowa and I. Save for the discussion of the next stop,
another small-scale airport, but this time near a town.
When we touched the land, I suddenly felt embarrassed again at how…how
green
I seemed. Naïve and gawking. Especially since…I've carefully cultivated
an
image of myself that I wanted to believe, and be believed by others.
Hard and unfeeling and efficient.
I was starting to doubt that that was what I truly am. But apparently,
Trowa
thought so.
And I'm not as pleased as I thought I would be, now that people
accepted
what I tried so hard to make them believe.
We went to a little diner a five-minute walk away. I was hesitant to
let
Trowa do anything too taxing, but the glare he gave me, knowing I was
going
to bring it up made me think twice.
He seemed all right to me. A little slower than usual, but no less
graceful.
I was careful to keep pace; I had no plans of magnifying his weakness,
something that I always knew somewhat embarrassed him, as much as I was
always loathe to expose mine.
We settled in a little booth in a corner, and I was pretty darn
relieved
that Trowa actually thought to have some money on him.
"Just coffee" I was saying when the smells that wafted from the kitchen
made
my stomach growl. Wow. Oily, fatty, unhealthy food. It's been a long,
long
while since I had anything other than the bases' regulation
healthy-mush. I
was bred for that sort of thing and I grew up not bothering to want
anything
other than what I was given. But I wasn't passing up an opportunity.
"Just coffee" had abruptly developed into a full-scale breakfast that
was a
master of taste and cholesterol. Scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns,
hot
chocolate, orange juice, toast, sausage, cereal, donuts, bagels…
My face reddened again, for the nth time when the bill arrived.
Trowa just shrugged indifferently, assuring me in that strange way of
his
that everything was perfectly all right. Smiling or laughing would have
embarrassed me further, and he wasn't about to get angry over some
minor…um…problem.
As our waitress, a pretty, loud lady named Medina cleared my multitude
of
plates, I noticed that Trowa had scrawled several things on a tissue
paper.
"What's that?" I asked.
It was his turn to blush this time. I wasn't used to it, but again, he
made
it seem perfectly all right.
"A list" he replied simply. "Last night, Duo was telling me a story,
about
this man who wrote down the lose ends he was supposed to tie up before
he
goes"
I restrained myself from taking a peak.
Laughing at himself, he shoved the paper into my hands, and I looked at
him
uncertainly. This latest dilemma in Trowa's life—and what looked to be
his
last as well, had changed him vastly. The mask had fallen.
I wanted to breathe past this damn thing too, so I wanted to ask him
how he
removed it, how hard it was and where had he kept it after pulling it
off?
But I couldn't. Not yet.
I looked at the list, and Trowa surprised me yet again.
He must have lost his mind.
Loose-end number one was that he wanted to lose his virginity.
He was looking at my reaction, blushing and laughing shamelessly.
The Loose-ends that followed were, in comparison, a little more
rational and
had little notes scrawled here and there, in his practical style.
Riding an old biplane was loose-end number four, and was already
checked.
Bungee-jumping was disregarded, in lieu of the fact that it wasn't
anything
as compared to walking a tight-rope without a net.
Junky breakfast was checked too.
Swimming with dolphins was an interesting thought, though an asterisk
beside
it indicated that it was optional. The lions and the other animals in
the
circus made up for the lack of dolphins, apparently.
Yes, Duo's train of thought could be detected in these other-worldly
aims
and mild references to pop-culture. From the impossible to the
ridiculous,
everything was here.
Trowa also wanted to catch a ten-pound fish and then put it back into
the
sea. Then there was that silly little desire of jumping through a glass
window while riding a black stallion, though disregarded because he
didn't
want to break his neck before getting to loose-end no. seven, a dip in
the
River of Absolution.
It was a relatively short list, I decided. And now's as good a time as
any
to accomplish more of the enumerated goals.

We rented a room in the local motel.
It wasn't such a bad place, just a little…unused. Sunfields wasn't a
particular tourist attraction.
While a weary Trowa took over one of the single-beds and fell into an
exhausted sleep that worried me a little, I decided to distract myself
and
look into our route to the River.
We had just come from the Sanc Kingdom, which was roughly at the center
of
Earth's old Europe. In those days, the planet was divided into
different
countries, each with it's own sets of rules and governments. When
humanity
reached a grander scale that expanded into colonies, the world suddenly
seemed smaller, and the concept of one country suddenly applied to one
planet.
Anyway, each of the continents were referred to with 'Old', because
they
weren't so applicable anymore as separate nations, just separate
locations.
In any case, the proverbial River was situated in Southeast Asia, in a
small
island represented in the world map as microscopic dots and the words
Penn
Exchange.
We had several more stops before getting there, just about enough to
accomplish everything in that crazy list.
That Duo, always making everything so complicated.
I sighed.
This was a mission, this was a mission.
If anyone could do it, the pilot of Wing Zero could.
I concentrated on the most delicate, if not most difficult of goals.
Getting laid around here could be a problem.
Small town, everyone knows everyone. Not going to be easy for a young
stranger, unless he had enough money to go grab a whore, and I didn't
want
that for Trowa.
It was a funny request, and I couldn't seem to get over it.
It made me think of the rest of us pilots. Wufei was married once, I
heard.
No problems there. Quatre…he had all the right qualifications. Looks
that
gave the distinct impression of compassion and sensitivity, not to
mention
wealth—and there were a lot of shallow people in the world. But he was
very
trusting and giving, so it was probably just as well that he was still
child
enough to hesitate moving in that direction. Duo…I always envied the
way by
which he conducted himself with people. Confident, open, amusing
and…riveting. He held the eye, even if I didn't usually give a damn
what new
complaint he has about the rest of the universe (or usually about me).
I
don't think he would have much of a problem getting girls…but it wasn't
exactly a particular topic of conversation I dared venture into. I
wouldn't
ever hear the end of it.
Think: the only thing that gets silent Heero Yuy talking was if it was
about
sex. I had more self-respect and pride not to think of that.
As for Trowa…I didn't think he would have trouble either. Looks-wise,
objectively speaking. And he seems like a person who has seen a lot,
experienced things.
Come to think of it, I probably did too. But so far, there was only
Relena
who has openly showed interest in me, and I think she has something
more
stifling and permanent in mind than a raunchy night. Love was a funny,
fleeting, uncertain thing.
Thinking about them made me realize that Trowa and I had left without a
word, and reminded me that by now, there was an empty bed at Vassily
Medical, not to mention very panicked people who would very gladly
wring my
neck for this little episode.
When Trowa had woken up, I had just finished calling up for some lunch.
A
healthier one this time, more for him than for me.
He had stepped into the bathroom to wash the sleep from his face, when
the
knock came and I rushed to answer the door.
I froze, upon seeing the person who had brought in the food.
"You called for room service?" she asked, in that wonderful alto.
I blinked, my mind trying to register the face before me.
It's been years, and she was still beautiful. Her hair was a straight
and
silky bold shade of red, that got me thinking of swimming in it. It
covered
half of her well-sculpted face, but exposed enough of her full lips and
glorious cheekbones, not to mention her eyes the color of storm clouds.
I knew her, though she couldn't possibly know me.
She was about two years older than me, and her name way Nadya Elmina.
As I
grew up in training, it was always her name I heard amongst fellow
soldiers,
always her pictures in the barracks and her records playing.
Vaguely, I felt Trowa step out of the bathroom, and he was gawking as I
was,
undoubtedly recognizing her. Any soldier could.
I remembered those days, when I had concentrated so much on excelling,
but
it was difficult to disregard her pictures and the constant chatter
about
her, usually very obscene.
"Yes" I replied thinly, offering to take the tray from her but she had
shouldered her way past me, putting it against the round table at the
corner
of the room, right by the windows. She had kept her head low, after
that
short eternity when she had looked at me and asked me about the room
service.
"Will there be anything else?" she asked meekly, stepping away from the
table.
I frowned a little. "Actually, yes" I couldn't seem to restrain myself.
"Aren't you Nadya Elmina?"
Her head shot up then, her stunning hair flying just enough to expose
the
half-face she hid underneath it.
Oh, God.
Now I remembered why Nadya Elmina had faded into the background during
the
war.
It was an accident, while playing for troops that suddenly got
attacked.
There was a fire. She had nearly died, they said. And maybe she had,
for no
one ever knew what had become of her. But she was alive. Surviving with
half
of her beautiful face. The other half, the left one, had drooped and
darkened in an ugly mass of scar, with her eye now white and unseeing.
Her face showed momentary panic, then broke into a nervous smile. I
knew
then that I was right, and that she wouldn't admit it.
"People say I look like her all the time" she said lightly, walking
towards
the door. "But that isn't likely, is it?"
"No, it's not" I lied.
She walked away, and I turned to Trowa, who was looking at the space
she had
left with a thoughtful frown on his face.

When Trowa had slunk off into another exhausted sleep that afternoon, I
decided to take a walk around town, maybe think a little.
I hadn't gone very far from the motel when I passed by a lonely bar.
There
were drunkards just outside of it; I wasn't very surprised to see
people
like them foxed at this early hour. There seemed nothing else to do
around
here.
That was also about the time I noticed they were giving someone a hard
time.
A jittery woman, with a stunning head of red hair.
"Come on, girly-girl" teased one of the burlier ones, "pretty
look-alike.
Give me a fuck. Hell, give us all a fuck and maybe you'll save enough
to get
that hideous face fixed up"
She was just passing by, with a basket of food in her dainty hands,
when
they had intercepted her. She tried ignoring them, but they blocked her
way.
Damn fools.
I was just making my way towards them, to give her a hand. But in the
middle
of crossing the street I noticed she didn't really need my help; she
was
swinging that basket like Duo with a scythe, and just as effective.
Soon, the burly men were down on the ground.
I smiled a little, very much impressed.
I caught up with her and walked beside her.
With her adrenaline still pumping, she swung the basket at me, but I
had
ducked and neatly took it from her hands.
"You!" she exclaimed breathlessly. "Don't surprise me, all right?"
She let me carry the basket, all the way back to the motel's kitchen.
"That was some show" I told her uncertainly, wondering about her mood.
Wondering about mine. What was I doing?
"I deal with it everyday" she said distractedly, taking the basket from
my
hands and removing the contents. "You get used to it"
"Won't they give you trouble for hurting them, later?" I asked. I knew
about
hurt, masochistic pride.
"No" she replied, "they never remember anything, when they're
intoxicated"
Just as well, I figured. But something inexplicable within me was a
little
disappointed that I couldn't get to be…her hero. The way I was with
Relena.
"Do you own this place? Run it on your own?" I asked, wanting to know
more
about her.
"Yes" she answered. "I get occasional help, like that old man who
checked
you in earlier today. Anyway, it's not that profitable, but you get
what you
could" she gave me a jaunty smile, "your friend is a big tipper"
I can believe that. The way he had gawked, you'll never believe it.
"I must say, though" she said, "I'm wondering what you're doing here.
In
case you missed it, we have no tourist season, and the only reason
people
stop by around here is when they need repairs on their planes, or
refueling"
"Refueling" I confirmed. "Any…sights around here that would be worth my
while?"
She laughed. "If there are, I haven't seen any"
I liked her easy laugh. That voice. But mostly, her strange character.
"You know any place where I can swim with dolphins?" I blurted out. She
made
me feel so at ease.
She looked at me uncertainly. "I'll look into it"
"What?" I prodded. That was a strange, measuring look she gave me.
"I don't mean to pry," she said, "but is that…that boy you're with. Is
he…um…"
Christ, I knew where this was going.
"Are you lovers?" she blurted out, face reddening.
But surely not as red as mine.
"Sorry" she said, linking and unlinking her fingers nervously. "This is
a
backward place. Haven't seen…um…any of that in a while."
The embarrassment faded, just as I found bubbling laughter in my chest.
"What gave you that idea?" I choked.
She shrugged, avoiding my gaze. "Two boys, in a sparsely populated
town.
And…the uh…dolphin thing. It's kind of strange and I thought, if the
uh…that
kind of thing interests you then…you might have other strange interests
too"
"It's strange, yes" I conceded, stifling my laughter. "but no, we are
not
lovers"
"That's good" she breathed, as if in relief. Then she caught herself.
"I
mean, in a sense that—"
I held up a hand to silence her. "It's all right"
"I'm sorry" she squeaked. "There must be something I can do to make up
for
offending you. I know how men are, with this masculinity thing"
That was a funny thing to have to hear, and I must admit I was
intrigued.
But I saw the perfect opening, and I wasn't going to let it pass.
"There is something you can do" I told her.
Her eyebrows raised slightly. Apparently, it was a rhetorical question.
Never mind.
"I saw a piano in the coffee shop" I said, knowing I was taking a
gamble.
"Sing me one song, Nadya. Just one."
The lightness in her eyes had fallen away, in place of something that
was
far worse than angry fire. It was resignation, hopelessness and defeat.
"She died a long time ago" came the quiet reply, as she turned her back
on
me and fixed everything in the cabinet.
Nadya had decided to ignore me by then, so I stepped out of the kitchen
to
continue my stroll around town.

The basket had been filled with the goodies we had for dinner.
No more junk; this was healthy, home-cooking. Something I never knew
until
Quatre Winner had us as guests in any one of his homes at one time or
another. Nadya was a great cook, ready to go head to head with Quatre's
uptight team of chefs.
Trowa and I decided to eat at the small café, downstairs this time. It
was a
little dusty, like the entire place. It had that unused feeling,
magnified
by the fact that Trowa and I were the only customers. I couldn't get my
eyes
away from the black, baby grand piano in one darkened corner of the
room.
"This is fantastic" Trowa told her heartily when she refilled our
glasses,
though I noticed he hadn't eaten as much as I had.
"Thanks" she said, smiling slightly. She's been avoiding me, us,
whatever.
She'd been flitting in, flitting out. With that nervous hand gesture.
She
was going to fly away again, when Trowa made a gently persuasive grab
for
her hand.
She flinched slightly, but met his gaze. "Please let go"
"Have you eaten?" he asked.
Her brows furrowed in thought, wondering where this was going probably
as
much as I was.
"No…" she replied uncertainly.
"Then eat with us" Trowa said, not waiting for a reply as he pulled her
down
to a chair.
Nadya sat down warily. "I'm telling you, befriending the owner won't
save
you from the bill" she joked nervously.
Trowa chuckled. "My mistake. You can get up now"
I watched them speak, spellbound. Though we knew each other, she didn't
know
our names, so Trowa introduced us. But she barely showed she knew I was
there, so busy were the two of them in their coquetry.
Trowa just hit on a girl.
Trowa just hit on a girl.
Digest, assimilate.

Later that night, we returned to our room and I paced, waiting for the
arrival of the woman I had arranged with earlier today.
"Heero, relax" Trowa said with an uncertain smile. "What are you so
uptight
about?"
Okay. Do it in one breath, don't think.
"Trowa, I got you a whore" I blurted, waiting for his reaction.
Blink. Blink.
I couldn't think of anything else you can get…um…, I wanted to say. But
couldn't. My brain had frozen.
We hadn't had time for anything else, when a rap on the door got me
startled.
I pried the door open, and saw the woman from this afternoon.
She was about three years older than Trowa or I. Young, if you think
about
it. But she was a professional. She would know what to do. Her name was
Solana, Exotic, which means it probably wasn't her real one. But she
was
beautiful. If I had to get Trowa a whore, I might as well get the best
one.
She was a little on the waif-side. Not voluptuous, but distinctly sexy.
Her
face was like the work of a master sculptor, framed by waves of black.
Her
eyes had the same midnight of her hair, and reminded me of a person who
had
seen too much, therefore adding a sense of drama and mystery.
"Hello Heero" she greeted me with a wink, stepping into the room and
boldly
looking at Trowa from head to toe. "This is going to be better than I
first
thought. My, he's cute"
Trowa had a dubious smile on his face, torn between laughing and
crying.
"Um…so are you"
Solana took off her short brown coat, exposing a great amount of flesh
in an
even shorter dress, in a deceptively immaculate white. She turned to
me,
with a delicate eyebrow raised.
"Are you going to watch?"
I must have blanched, because she laughed.
She waved away the issue. "Oh, I don't mind. It's erotic, actually—"
"I'll get out" I said quickly, grabbing a jacket and heading for the
door.
On my way out, I stopped and turned to face her.
"Yup?" she asked expectantly.
I let out a breath, Trowa wasn't going to like it, but this Solana girl
has
to know that he was in a…a weakened state, and therefore, no hardplay.
Nothing…um…kinky.
"He's kinda sick" I said quickly, "don't do anything um…rough"
She brightened at that, for some reason. "Oh…I see. That's okay. I'm
kind of
sick too"
My eyes widened. I worked quick; I grabbed some money from the table,
shoved
some bills into her hands. Then I shoved her coat into her hands too,
pulled
her out the door and shut it behind me.
Trowa was snickering, and I glared at him.
"You were thinking of adding STD's to my list of problems, I take it"
he
teased. Ungrateful bastard. Not like I didn't try--
"Shut up"

Later that night, I found myself lying in bed but staring at the
ceiling.
The whole point of this stop was to rest, sleep. I remembered that I
hadn't
slept in how long. Two days. But my nerves were on edge, as I listened
to
Trowa's breathing as he slept.
I was afraid. So afraid, that it would just stop. I had to be awake,
just in
case.
Getting up, I headed for the door.
Gotta grab some coffee.
I looked at the chronometer on my wrist. It was about midnight, and I
didn't
want to have to rouse Nadya. I can get the coffee on my own, especially
since I knew where it was, having been on the kitchen with her before.
I hadn't made it very far into the room in question, when the lights
flashed
open, and I found Nadya standing a few feet away from me, a gun in her
hands, an expression of relief and surprise on her face.
"Heero?!" she exclaimed, "do you actually enjoy surprising people?"
"Was just getting coffee" I grumbled, "Didn't want to wake you up"
She looked at me knowingly. "Yeah, you care right? And incidentally, my
not
knowing about you grabbing some coffee would also exempt you from
having to
pay for it, right?"
"Think what you want" I growled. That was an unfair accusation, and it
hadn't even crossed my mind.
She frowned a little, but conceded with a little sigh. "Oh, all right.
This
one is on the house. But you fix it yourself, okay?"
I nodded.
"You know where everything is" she said with that jaunty smile, "so
that
helping me with the basket thing this morning was a technique too. I'm
impressed"
Now I knew she was teasing. But I wasn't up for it. I pushed my way
past
her, heading for the cabinets.
She leaned by one of the counters. I pretended I wasn't watching, but I
could see her clearly from the corner of my eye. She was wearing a
delectably light robe. She was watching me curiously.
"You're angry" she observed coolly. "I must have said something"
I looked at her, then back to the coffee I was preparing. "Get back to
sleep, Nadya"
"I go by the name Nadine now" she said. "But I have a feeling, even if
you
know that, you'd still going to call me by that other name"
"It's who you are" I told her flatly. Which made me feel like a
hypocrite.
"Not anymore" she said lightly, though her eyes were lonelier than
ever. She
pushed the hair away from her face, showing me her scarred part for a
brief
moment. "In case you missed it"
I hadn't said anything about it. What was I supposed to? What would Duo
have
said? He always knows what to say…
She shrugged away the issue. "Anyway, 'what's in a name', right?"
I thought back to me, my borrowed name. Trowa's borrowed name. And now
hers.
Shouldn't let them define us.
I stirred my coffee.
"I guess you're trying to stay up" she observed, "That's not good, you
know.
Especially if you're flying a plane. Always need to have adequate rest"
I was a Gundam pilot, lady. That means we're the most overworked people
in
the world. I can handle it.
"You know what you're doing, I suppose" she said uncomfortably, started
linking her hands again.
Do I make you nervous, Nadya?
"This morning you were trying to talk to me" she pointed out, "why
ignore me
now, Heero?"
I was a little crazy this morning. This is my normal mode.
"Well, good night" she said quietly, walking away.
Good night, Nadya.
I headed for our room.

Come morning, Trowa and I had breakfast at the café in the inn again. I
had
a feeling Trowa wanted to see our lone hostess once more.
He was still in high spirits, over last night's mistake with Solana. At
my
expense, of course. And again, he had convinced a laughing Nadya to sit
with
us for breakfast.
And again, I watched and said nothing.
At least, not until Trowa gasped a little, and broke into a cold sweat.
He
hunched forward on the table and closed his eyes.
I shot up from my seat. "Trowa?!"
I noticed Nadya was looking at the food she had cooked, fearing having
committed food poisoning.
"Oh, God, I'm so sorry…" she moaned, getting up. "I'm going to call on
the
local physician—"
"No" Trowa managed a little smile for her. "I'm fine"
"Like hell you are!" she retorted, stalking towards the phone.
Trowa looked up at me pleadingly. "Heero, stop her"
I was going to snap that there were greater concerns in the universe
than
this stubborn woman, but just sighed in irritation. I caught up with
Nadya
and grabbed her arm.
"It's okay" I told her curtly.
She looked up at me defiantly, pulling her arm away. But she hadn't
continued with her phone call.
I helped Trowa to his feet, and headed straight for our room. I felt
her
presence, worried for him as she walked behind me.
I settled Trowa into bed, watched him sleep. And she still hadn't left.
Nadya was standing by the door, leaning on the ledge.
I stood up and faced her.
"Is he okay?" she asked meekly
"He's fine" I told her crossly, pushing her out a little and closing
the
door on her startled face.
He's fine.
He's fine.

By the time Trowa had awakened, it was already midday.
Wryly assuring me that he wouldn't die for the next few minutes, I
accepted
this with a nod and stepped out of our room.
Through the hours, I've had little else to think about but how I had
taken
all my frustrations out on a lady who deserved none of it.
This morning's episode also gripped me with fear; this was real. He was
dying. He was, he was. And the brutal reality of it had just sunk in. I
didn't even know that I was denying it. It was like a sudden twist of a
dagger that was already protruding from my chest.
I found Nadya in the coffee shop, sitting on the piano chair, running
her
hands along the keys absently.
Remembering that she hadn't liked being surprised, I cleared my throat
to
catch her attention.
She was still startled, jumping a little. Though her face showed none
of it,
determined to look annoyed at me.
"What do you want?" she snapped, breaking the charged silence.
I wanted to apologize. But couldn't find the words. I've lost the
ability.
There were too many sins already. To apologize for one and disregard
the
rest…
Don't think, damn it.
"I'm sorry" I blurted out.
She smile slightly, pushing the loose strands of her hair behind her
ears.
I've noticed that as of late, she's not been hiding her scarred half.
"Well now," she said, "that wasn't so hard was it?"
Easier than I thought. Going to have to get into the habit again.
"How is he?" Nadya asked, forehead creasing in concern.
I shrugged, walking towards her and the dusty piano. "Play"
She ignored my request as I had ignored her question.
We fell into an uncomfortable silence.
Why did I come? I've already finished apologizing, but it still felt
incomplete.
Then it suddenly struck me.
Yes, I've just realized the gravity of Trowa's situation. He was dying,
and
we had precious little time. Trowa liked this girl. And my friend was
going
to get what he wanted…
"I've come to ask a favor" I told her flatly.
She looked amused. "From what you just did, I'd say you're the one who
owes
me. But this is interesting. Speak"
Damn, this was hard. What would Duo have said? Or would he even do what
I'm
doing now? Never mind.
"Trowa likes you" I said.
"Yes, I know" she chuckled, but contrasted her relaxed exterior by that
nervous hand gesture again, linking and unlinking her fingers.
Say it fast, before you change your mind.
"He holds you in high regard" I continued, "And I think you deserve
him"
She raised an eyebrow at me.
"He's a great person," I continued. Can't stop now. Trowa the
tight-rope-walker would say, Don't Look Down a.k.a. don't look at the
consequences. You're there already, just go forward until you reach the
safe
point. "he's dying, and I want you to try to make him happy while he's
here"
"You…want me to…?" she asked brokenly. "I saw that whore coming in here
the
other night and I'm not….not…"
"You don't have to…to…" have sex with him, I thought. "I figured out
that it
wouldn't do to just…just have a physical relationship"
"Solana did leave a little early" she said meekly. Nadya had a very
strong
character, save for being nosy at times.
"Love him, Nadya" I found a begging edge in my voice that displeased
me. "Or
at least pretend to"
She closed her eyes, caught her breath. "This isn't fair, Heero" she
said
shakily, "I'm out of my league here"
I couldn't understand.
She opened her eyes and looked at me with despair. "You shouldn't use
your
advantages against me. It's you I love"
Bang! That was my jaw, on the floor there.
"From that first moment," she went on, pushing her momentum, Not
Looking
Down. "You treated me as if I was the same person I used to be. No
pity, no
resentment, no disgust. Didn't you ever wonder why I always showed my
face
to you? I thought maybe you hadn't seen it, that's why you treat me
like
this. But even if you had, you treat me the same, wonderful way. No one
ever
has. Heero, I love you for that"
What was I supposed to say about that?
She stood up and gripped my arms as if it was her lifeline. She lifted
her
face to mine. "Look at me, Heero. Stare as hard as you want. But you'd
still
see what was inside, wouldn't you?"
I blinked at her, pulled from her grasp and headed out the shop.
"Heero" she called out softly, making me stop dead in my tracks.
"You can walk out of here and decide to ignore me forever" she said
determinedly, "but you can never make yourself forget everything you've
heard me say. I'll do what you ask, Heero. I'll show Trowa the best
time
he'll ever have in his life. But we both know…I do it because it makes
you
happy"
I walked out then.
I knew that it was I who was out of my league, now.
It's not fair, Nadya. You shouldn't use your advantages against me.
It's you I l—

For the first time in my life I was annoyed that a person was working
quickly and efficiently.
Come dinnertime, I was once again nothing but an audience to Trowa and
Nadya's flirting, this time no longer so innocent.
I ducked out early, heading straight for our room, not wanting to think
but
not being able to help it.
I was pacing again, especially since it was past midnight, and Trowa
was yet
to return.
Sun rose slowly. My legs cramped. I sank gratefully onto the bed.
And realized, that if Trowa wasn't here, there was only one place in
the
world he could have been in.
I walked down for breakfast at a decent hour, only to find I had the
inn all
to myself.
Nadya and Trowa had left me a note by the refrigerator.
Went swimming with dolphins. You know where all the food is. See you at
lunch.
Went swimming with dolphins, a.k.a., you're not invited. You know where
all
the food is, a.k.a. fix it yourself. See you at lunch, a.k.a. don't
follow.

They hadn't been back by lunch.
Trowa and I were only supposed to stay for a day, and it looks like we
were
staying a little longer than what was originally expected.
I grabbed some money Trowa had left, and looked around town for some
practical stuff, like a change of clothes and some toothbrushes.
I hadn't been out shopping in so long.
Granted, this small, backward town wasn't the best place to shop, but I
was
always used to getting things for free and uniform, regulation-style. I
never thought I would be deciding which color toothbrush to buy, which
toothpaste, what flavor…things like that.
I felt a little stupid, gawking at this wide aisle full of nothing but
bath
things. Shall I get Dial or Irish Spring? Vidal Sassoon or Clairol?
But I was enjoying myself; I ended up buying more than I needed, adding
a
bag of Extra Creamy Kisses on the side, and grabbing a pack of Smints
from
the counter.
I returned to our room, to find Trowa sitting on the bed, removing his
shoes
as if he was just preparing to hit the sack.
He smiled, looking at my bags of groceries.
"Looks like somebody infiltrated the local supermarket" he teased,
before
slinking off into another tired nap.
I sighed, and placed the groceries on the table at the corner.
There was a sheet of paper there, and I noticed that it was Trowa's
checklist.
Despite my will, I ended up reaching for it.
As I had thought, Loose-end number one was checked, along with the
dolphins.

I let it go on for another two weeks.
Trowa barely spent time with me anymore, and since he was with the only
other person here, I was always by myself. I didn't mind so much being
alone: when I got tired of the supermarket, I discovered the cinemas
and
watched Star Wars fifteen times.
It was a routine, now: all three of us would be together for dinner,
where
there was an unspoken agreement that I had to slink off early. I would
have
my breakfast alone, and if they feel like it, they'll join me for
lunch,
though that was rare.
More of the Loose-ends were checked, courtesy of Nadya who seemed to
have
known about them.
Trowa had already gone bungee-jumping, though he had disregarded it. He
had
also crashed through a window on a horse. And done that fish-thing. And
she
made him experience other things that weren't on the list; like giving
him
that idiotic hat Trowa's been wearing, along with that silly grin. It
was
just like Indiana Jones', a childhood fascination.
But while he was always happy, the attacks of severe pain had been more
frequent, his exhaustion worse.
He had been tucked in bed in our room for about an hour, when I went
down to
the kitchen to talk to Nadya.
The sun was setting, I could see in the windows. She was preparing
dinner,
the smells alone making me hungry.
But never mind that, for now.
"I wanted to thank you" I said.
She jumped, dropping a glass cup and it shattered on the ground.
Muttering a curse, she fell on all fours, as I had, and we tidied the
mess,
heads just a few inches apart.
"No need to" she told me, lifting her head to face me.
This was the first time we've had a serious conversation, after that
bitter
exchange at the coffee shop.
"You've made him very happy" I continued, "And I couldn't begin to show
how
much…gratified I am—"
"Don't thank me" she seethed, "don't you dare thank me"
I rubbed my hands tiredly over my face. "I'm sorry if you feel forced
to—"
"Shut up" she snapped, "Listen to me, you self-centered jerk. No one
can
force me into anything. Not anymore. At first I did this because of
you. But
now…" her voice settled, and I found…endearment in it. "Now I'm doing
this
for me. And for Trowa. Don't thank me because I didn't do it for you.
I've
already slept with him, I told myself it was supposed to end there. But
I
couldn't stay away. I…I…love him"
What was I supposed to say about that? What would Duo have said? Would
he
even get into this much trouble?
I was supposed to be happy. I never said I loved her. I never wanted to
think about it. But why did it hurt me to have lost her love?
She placed a hand upon my cheek, making me flinch at the contact. She
saw my
discomfort, but held my gaze.
"It's you I have to thank" she told me softly.
I nodded, and pulled away, getting to my feet as I headed away again.
"You're a good friend, Heero" she told me, "deep inside you must know
that"

Women.
Makes everything so much more complicated.
I was pacing our room again, when I felt Trowa's eyes watching me.
"What?" I barked at him, annoyed at his expression of mild interest.
His eyes softened. "Does it bother you so much to be here, Heero?"
I glared at him. "You pulled a gun on me, Trowa. Take a wild guess"
He sat up, looking at me with a measuring expression. "That's not fair,
Heero" he said quietly, "don't blame me. You could have stopped this at
the
beginning. You could have called Quatre and the others. I've given you
time
to be alone, to go away. But you're still here"
There's no fooling him. There never was.
"Why?" he prodded.
"You need me" I told him.
"Have I ever thanked you?" he asked.
Gratitude. I hated it, as much as I hated apologizing.
"You don't have to" I snapped.
"I want to" he told me, "And I'll say it before you can stop me. Thank
you,
Heero"

I decided to shut up, after that.
Trowa was happy. That's all that mattered. And Nadya was happy too.
I watched them tease and talk and flirt, feeling sorry for myself.
Their
eyes held gentle compassion, a catch on their voices every now and
then,
knowing that even if their love would last forever, they had precious
little
time to act on it.
Maybe that's why they never could get enough of each other.
I didn't mind being so alone anymore, and watching Star Wars another
fifteen
times.
Time…Another two weeks had passed, bringing the total up to a little
over
one month. And Trowa was still alive.
Maybe it was because there seemed no time in Sunfields. Sun rose, sun
set,
but everything was the same. Same people, same place, same
conversations.
I had convinced myself that we could live forever, in a place like this
that
time forgot.
That was until one night. It was just another night, I was alone in the
room
Trowa and I once shared, and he was in Nadya's.
She had rapped like crazy on the door, and I pulled it open, only to
have
her grasp my arm and bully me to her room.
Trowa was on the bed, limp and pale and breathing raggedly. He was
clothed,
which meant, thankfully, that I hadn't broken in the middle of
something
intimate.
"Trowa?" I called, shaking him by the shoulders. "Trowa?"
His eyes opened slightly, pained face breaking into a smile. "Heero…"
"What's wrong?" I asked, panicked. This was the worst I've seen yet.
"Hurts…" he said.
"I know" I said, feeling stupid. So why did I ask? Never mind. "Sleep
it
off, all right?"
He murmured something, falling asleep.
I looked to Nadya, who was staring at me with devastation in her eyes.
No one could live forever.

I was telling myself, he'd sleep it off, wake up after a few hours and
everything would be okay again.
We'll have dinner, then Trowa and Nadya would spend the rest of the day
together. I'll go to the cinema, watch Star Wars.
But he was so weak, now. Couldn't get out of bed. Could barely sit.
Not fair. Things were looking up.
Not fair, not fair, not fair.
About two days after his attack, I was in the kitchen in the evening,
thinking.
Nadya and I had been taking turns watching Trowa.
How could things get so worse, so fast?
A harried Nadya barged into the kitchen, making my heart stop for a
moment,
recalling the last time she had come for me in a panicked state.
"What happened?" I asked, as we jogged to her room.
"He asked for you" she said numbly, tiredly. Tears would come later, I
could
see it in her…eye.
Was he…was he…?
I stopped by the side of the bed. Trowa was leaning heavily against the
headboard, looking at me with a saturnine smile.
"Bust me out of here, Heero" he told me quietly.
I blinked. "What?!"
"We have to get to the River" he said, "help me up"
"No—" I argued, but should have known how futile it was.
"Help me up, or I'll get up on my own" he said, as he started doing so.
"Damn it, Trowa—" but I hoisted him up my shoulder.
Nadya watched us as we passed her by. She was hurt and astounded.
"Where are
you going?!"
Trowa paused, looked at her. "We have to get to the River, Nadya. The
River
of Absolution. Before I—"
She dashed forward and wrapped him in a tight hug, making me let go of
Trowa. "I love you"
"I love you more" he said, teasing. "I love you, Nadya. And I'll love
you
just as much tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after that. But all we'll
ever
have is today"
"I know" she said, sobbing.
"I never promised you I would stay" Trowa went on.
"I know…"
And unmade promises couldn't be broken.
We all knew this was temporary, right from the start.
But that didn't take the pain away.
She supported Trowa on her small shoulders, and I let her, following
cautiously behind.
"I have a car" she said, "I'll drive you to the airstrip"
"Wait…" said Trowa, "before we leave. Sing me a song, Nadya. Just one"
I held my breath. I had said the same thing before. She never yielded.
But
now, she nodded, and the three of us headed for the coffee shop.
She sat on the piano after settling Trowa on me. Nadya smiled at us
uncertainly. "A little out of practice. Haven't done this in years"
But as I listened her hands moved expertly along the keys, voice like
an
angel's. She looked hesitant, but was driven by a passion that had
engulfed
the room. She hadn't committed a single mistake.
It was an old song I hadn't recognized, and I was sure few could. But
the
words, the tone, the way she looked as she sang them…
Say goodbye…she sang, when I can hardly say goodnight…If I can hardly
take
my eyes from yours…How far can I go?
Christ, I lost half of it. My eyes stung, my throat hurt. It was the
first
time in my life any kind of pain within me had turned into something
physical and unbearable.

It was over soon.
Trowa had suddenly become heavier against me.
I decided we could move faster if I carried him, so I placed one arm on
his
back, the other behind his knees.
The three of us made our way to Nadya's car, then arrived at the
airstrip.
Night had fallen. Things were moving so fast.
We stepped off the car quickly, as near to the plane as we were
allowed.
I lifted a semi-conscious Trowa into my arms again, and Nadya gave him
a
heart-wrenching kiss.
I settled him into the plane, then paused to look at Nadya who was
crying.
Trowa always had a penchant for women's tears. It hadn't worked for me.
Maybe that was why she had suited us both so much. One eye crying, one
eye
too dead to.
I walked to her. "The money for our stay was left with all the other
things
in the room"
"Yes, I know" she said softly, "would you ever come back for them?
don't
they mean much to you?"
Come back to you, is that it? How much you mean to…me?
"Probably not" I answered the first question. Not the second.
Play it safe. Unmade promises can't be broken.
"I should have known" she said, giving me a hug, then pulled away to
kiss me
on the cheek.
Acting impulsively, I turned my head just as she moved closer, so that
our
lips would brush.
"I love you" I told her, then turned on her and headed for the plane. I
didn't want to see how she reacted. So I never looked back.
We soared to the skies.
"You like her" Trowa said drowsily.
What was I supposed to say about that?
"It's all right" he said, "I've always wanted to share the greatest
parts of
my life with you, except you never let me"

We've been flying for hours.
Trowa had stopped talking, all I could hear from him, even past the din
of
the wind, was his ragged breathing.
I checked the stats. The River of Absolution was ten hours away, not to
mention we had to stop to refuel three hours from now.
Somewhere inside me, I knew he wasn't going to make it.
The skies were lightening to a deceptively charming indigo, with specks
of
orange from the East.
The sun would be rising soon.
"Trowa?" I called, "look, the sun's rising"
No reply.
"Damn it, Trowa, talk"
I never thought I'd be begging anyone to. Please, damn it. Any sign of
life
will do. Curse at me, I don't care.
I craned my neck to look at him; his head was lolling back. He looked
like a
rag doll.
Was he even still alive?
Rubbing one hand across my watering eyes, I put the plane to a sharp
tilt,
heading for a landing.
It was a wide field, with a fine brush of trees in the near distance.
I jumped from my seat, then carried him to the ground, shaking him.
"Trowa, wake up!"
He opened his eyes slowly, struggled to focus his emerald gaze on me.
"Land…" he said, in a weak voice but with incredible joy. "We're here,
aren't we? I didn't think I could make it…"
I racked my brain.
Deciding on the lie.
"Yes, Trowa, we're here" I said.
"Where's the River?" he asked.
I had seen something, as we landed.
Yes, it couldn't be far. It would have to do.
I carried him, across the fields, then pushed past the trees.
There was a shallow creek, strewn with random jagged rocks. It was a
narrow
stream, about eight feet across, but long. It was lined by old trees on
both
sides, but the ends were open, like a tunnel. The light of the rising
sun
appeared at the ends of it.
I headed straight for the pleasantly cool water, where I sat down and
cradled him against me.
"Forgiveness" he said softly, "salvation. Feels good, doesn't it,
Heero?"
"Yes" I said tightly.
I've always known he would die.
But, as was the case with everything, fore-knowing couldn't ever really
take
away the pain of it all.
It's been a month. I was supposed to have been ready for this long ago,
but
I found myself saying, begging: "Don't. Don't leave, Trowa. Don't"
He chuckled a little against me, laying a shaking hand against my face.
"You've pretty eyes, Heero. Cobalt blue…"
"Don't. Don't leave" I begged. But I had a feeling he wasn't going to
give
in to my request.
"Pretty eyes" he murmured. "My friend. My brother. How far can I go?"
I remembered what Nadya had sung. If I can hardly take my eyes from
yours,
how far can I go?
I blinked, my tears falling on his face.
He smiled at me, that serene smile.
The hand fell from my cheek, making a gentle splash.

The locals arrested me.
I thought about it numbly.
There was a group of fifteen police officers, who had traced the
illegal
landing of our plane, then followed my tracks to the creek.
They found me with a lifeless body in my arms, and thought that I had
murdered it and was disposing of the body in the water.
They pulled Trowa from my limp arms, dragged me to my feet, cuffed, me,
read
me my rights, then dumped me in an interrogation room.
I didn't know how long I've been in here, sitting in this stiff chair,
cuffed hands on the table. No one has come to question me.
The door opened, but I didn't bother to look at who it was.
Like a misguided dream, Duo Maxwell popped into my line of vision.
"There you are" he said softly, sitting across from me. "You two put us
on a
merry chase, Heero. But if anyone wanted to vanish and could succeed, I
would have bet it was either you or Trowa"
What was I supposed to say about that?
Duo tsked, and I could tell he was going to start on a half-hearted
joke.
His voice was gently chiding, but his eyes held pain. "You know…you've
been
AWOL, accused of kidnapping, and now murder too. You were on a roll,
why
didn't you resist arrest?"
He sighed, staring at me. "We finally traced you here. And you're free
to
go"
He tossed me the keys to my cuffs. I didn't bother to catch it. My arms
were
leaden. I felt so tired, so wasted.
It clanked on the floor, useless.
Sighing again, Duo crawled under the table, took the keys and set me
free.
"Get up, Heero" he said, "we're leaving"
I couldn't. It felt so much safer here.
Duo was looking at me with pity in his violet eyes. Now that Trowa was
dead,
everything would be focused on me. Great. Damn deserter. Deserters got
shot
during the war…
That was when, in a sudden blur, Wufei burst into the room, pulled me
to my
feet by the collar of my shirt.
"Bastard!" he yelled, swinging his fist at me. But Quatre caught his
clenched hand before it could make contact with my face.
"Let go, Wufei" Quatre said quietly, but with venom in his eyes.
"You should have stopped him!" Wufei yelled into my face. His eyes…they
were
burning, watering. Wasn't that contradictory? He was sad and angry. At
me.
"Sally could have looked after him! Everything would have been all
right!"
His eyes…his eyes. I couldn't take my gaze away from everyone's eyes.
"Wufei, stop" Quatre told him. The blonde's voice was shaking a little,
but
he was determined. "Have you looked at him, Wufei? Have you seen his
face?
Trowa died the happiest man in the world.."
God, I lost half of it. I've been losing half of everything.
Wufei's shaking hands let go of me, and I sank to the floor on my knees
as
he muttered an apology.
Damn. Apology, pity, gratitude. Hate it all.
Wufei and Quatre walked away, but Duo settled on the ground beside me.
I
didn't want to look at him.
"He doesn't mean any of that" Duo told me, "Wufei's just stubborn. What
you
did was right, Heero. I wouldn't have had the guts to do it, but it's
right.
You shouldn't have to regret"

Trowa was buried on Earth.
Quatre was generous enough to have offered a nice plot of land,
underneath
an old tree and near a crystal river in one of his estates.
It's been days since the funeral, and lately I've been finding solace
in the
fields, out under the sun. The wind in my hair.
My eyes always stung, but I didn't want to cry.
If I started, really started, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop.
But today, I was reminded of that day he died, at the creek. The sun
was
just rising, and I was feeling more than a little sorry for myself.
I felt I was going to explode. Or implode.
I took a breath to steady myself, but it came out wrong.
A cry escaped my throat, introducing a racking sob that I couldn't
stop. The
tears just kept falling. They weren't running out. It was so hard to
breathe. It was so damn hard to do anything else but sit and wait all
the
tears out.
I hadn't felt him coming, until his hands were on my shoulders, and he
pulled me into a tight hug.
"No—" I pleaded brokenly, but Duo was determined, and I was too damn
tired.
"Cry, Heero" he said quietly, "you have every damn right to"
I let him hold me, rub my back.
I let the tears fall, and he held me as long as I needed, making me
feel
like we had all the time in the world.
"I asked him why he chose me, over all of you" I told Duo, "Trowa said
it
was because I wouldn't take it personally. And that I wouldn't go bawl
at
him, like everyone else will. It hurt. I thought we understood each
other,
and all this time he'd been thinking I was an unfeeling machine. And
now
he'll never know that I'm not, will he?"
"You have to appreciate his subtlety" says Duo, with a catch in his
voice.
"What?" I asked, pulling away and looking at Duo's wistful expression.
"You mean you honestly believe he meant that?" asked Duo, incredulous,
"that
he took you on this trip because it wouldn't affect you?"
"Yes"
"For a smart person, you're kinda dumb" comments Duo lightly, though
his
eyes watered a little. "You know, he didn't take you because he thought
you
were heartless. He took you along, because he knew you had a heart in
there
somewhere, all you need is a little push to let it function"
"..."
"He lied, Heero" Duo continues, "think about it. He didn't take you
because
he needed you. He took you because you needed him. Look at you. You're
crying. And I hugged you without fear of losing fingers! He taught you
human
compassion, in case you missed it. He brought you along, because he
knew
that Quatre, Wufei and I would be all right even if he wasn't around to
look
out for us anymore. As for you...he might have felt he had to see for
himself. Comprende?"
"No" I lied.
Duo chuckles. "How does humanity feel, Heero?"
"Like shit"
"You don't mean that"
"..."
"I thought so" says Duo. He paused for a moment, before continuing.
"You
know, Heero, you never had problems about dying, did you? Just losing"
It was true, though I had no idea where this was going to go. The
concept of
death was never a problem for me. What was the point? You'll get there,
one
way or another, sooner or later. A lot of people feared it I suppose.
"People think you're brave for that" he continued, "Because you always
taunt
it to come after you. But I know better.
"You're a coward" he told me cheerfully, "dying's easy. Even if you
don't go
after it, it will eventually get you. It's living that's hard. Living
after
loss, even more. You have the guts to live Heero?"
--
"Get up, you spineless jerk" he said, dusting himself off and walking
away,
leaving me to assimilate this new information.
He took me along because I needed him.
I kept saying it was him who needed me, but it was the other way
around.
I've always wanted to share the greatest parts of my life with you,
except
you never let me.
Maybe that's why he had to pull a gun on me. Force me to see. I
remembered
how that biplane ride felt. And shopping at the supermarket. Watching
Star
Wars.
Thank you, Trowa.
My friend, my brother.
I learned so damn much from you.
But your River of Absolution was a joke.
Salvation and forgiveness was in the mind, that's why that nameless
creek
became your River. And that's why Nanashi became an even better Trowa
than
Trowa Barton had been. And that's why I can save my soul without the
River.
Starting now.
I stood up and dusted myself off. There were things to do.
You have the guts to live, Heero?
"You bet your ass, Duo!" I yelled after him.
He hadn't heard me, but I heard myself.
Unmade promises can't be broken, much less made ones. And somewhere,
not
very far away, someone was watching to make sure I learned something
from
our Road Trip.
If anyone can do it, the pilot of Wing Zero could.
No, no. If anyone could do it, Heero Yuy could. The man. The person.
In the back of my head, I could have sworn I heard Trowa say Mission
Accomplished.
I didn't mind. He can go gloat as long as he wanted.
His mission was finished. Mine—my life—was just beginning.
And it was going to be the best and most successful mission yet.

THE END.
June 10, 2k

NOTES:
1. deserter- one who leaves comrades in the midst of battle. An yes,
some
societies have them shot for cowardice.
2. insubordinate- not following or questioning orders of a superior.
Also
punishable by death sometimes, depending on the circumstances.
3. no particular details on the disease, which is just as well since I
don't
know anything about it anyway.
4. notice how Heero always wonders what Duo will say, given the same
position? I think, in his own unrecognized way, Heero admires the easy
way
by which Duo lets things slide along in his life. not sure how I
represented
the characters, but whatever. pacing is a bit rushed, which can be
attributed to the fact that I had an inkling to get this over with as
fast
as I could. And, true enough: finished in three days.
5. Oh, and Nadya Elmina was a person inspired by a book of baby names.
Elmina means "awe-inspiring fame" in Old German, and Nadya and Nadine,
Slavic names, mean "hope." I hope she hadn't come out as annoying. I
like my
original characters to be decently received. And this isn't any form of
self-inclusion. I'm a bit awkward about things like that. And she
probably
won't see any of them ever again, depending on my mood.
6. The point of everything was friendship, I guess. No yaoi, unless the
idea
comes from you. I don't have anything against it, I even read it, but
it's
not anything I write for myself.
7. Not much Quatre and Wufei, though the story is randomly dotted by
Heero's
impression of them, especially Duo. Not used to first-person
story-telling.
Especially if it's Heero, who doesn't really say much. Since he was
always
quiet, he must think a lot, right? So here it is. My fave pilot is
Trowa,
followed by Duo and the rest coming in equally, I guess. But Heero is
fascinating, especially given the circumstances. The series unfolds
with
unspoken sense of friendship and loyalty with each other, especially
with
Heero, and maybe Wufei too.
8. By the way, the name of the hospital was "Vassily" which is a name
for
"unwavering protector." Kind of an introduction to the flow of the
story,
because I liked having a perception of Trowa as somewhat big-brotherly.
Weird.
9. That was a thought from a novel called "Memory" by Lois McMaster
Bujold,
my favorite author.
10. The song Nadya sang was "I'll Never Say Goodbye" from the film "The
Promise." If you can get your hands on the rest of the lyrics, they're
incredible.

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