ACCOUNTANCY HUMOR

– Short Jokes —

What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything
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What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught Pinching the Assets
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What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
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What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
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When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
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What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
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Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
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What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
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What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
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The typical accountant is a man past middle age, spare, wrinkled, intelligent, cold, passive, non-committal, with eyes like a cod-fish; polite in contact but at the same time unresponsive, calm and damnably composed as a concrete post or a plaster of Paris cast; a petrification with a heart of felspar and without charm of the friendly germ, minus bowels, passion or a sense of humor. Happily they never reproduce and all of them finally go to Hell. [Attributed to Elbert Hubbard]
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What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
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What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
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Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
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There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.
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What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
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How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
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What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
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What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level
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My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's flat on it's back.
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My accountant printed this year's balance sheet in color – red.
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An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing
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Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.
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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
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A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. "Was he tall or was he short?" The businessman replies, "Both!"
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
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Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours?
Because on the box it said Concentrate.
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Who was the first accountant?
Adam. He turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
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– Longer Jokes —

An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk drawer and that the envelope numbered 1 should be opened if he encounters any sort of crisis in the job. If a further crisis occurs he should open the envelope numbered 2. Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong – you know what it's like – and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says, "Blame me." He does this and gets off the hook. Three months later there is another crisis and he opens the second envelope. The message says, "Write two envelopes".
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Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the bottom drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the bottom drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "The debit side is the one nearest the window."
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A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
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A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "G'day mate, can you tell me where I am?'. "Yes, of course," says the motorist. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top paddock on John Dawson's farm, 13.5 kilometers from Canowindra. John will be ploughing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you." At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, "I see you're an accountant". "Good Grief", says the other man, "you're right. How did you know that?" "I employ accountants", says the balloonist. "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help."
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A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
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The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
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Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: "No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking."
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"The auditors have just left, sir." "Did they check the books?" "Very thoroughly." "What did they say?" "They want 15% to keep quiet."
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An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. "What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter "Public Practitioner," is the reply. "Name?" He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. "Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter. "How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight" "No, that's impossible. " "Why do you say that?" "Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."
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Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil company. All day long she loved to run up and down the share price list, laughing and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because she couldn't find an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people would be very angry if she couldn't produce it. "What's wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby. She looked around and there was a funny little creature with spectacles, a bald patch and shaving cuts. "I can't find a dividend," she said and started crying again. "Don't worry," said the creature. "I can find you one." "How?" said the oil company, "And who are you?" "I'm an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you mind about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for you, you must agree to let me stay with you." "Yes, yes!" she said, anxious only to get the dividend. The accountant disappeared into some books nearby and stayed there for a while. She could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring accounts. Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers. "I've found you a dividend," he said. Her usual cheerfulness returned in an instant and she rushed off to tell her father, the Chairman. She forgot all about the accountant until he followed her in and reminded her of her promise; despite all her tears, her father insisted that she keep her word and that night the little accountant slept on the floor beside her bed. The next morning she opened her eyes and to her amazement she saw the accountant was exactly the same as he had been before. "I know what you're thinking," smiled the accountant. "You're quite right. Before I was changed into an accountant I was a handsome young man with a devil-may-care attitude and considerable joie de vivre." "Then change back!" said the oil company, clapping her hands. "Are you crazy?" said the accountant. "Handsome young men are two a penny but clever, ugly little accountants are worth their weight in gold."