ACTUAL SIGNS



Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin "Crap - .79/lb."

Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

Bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

Cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

Car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."

Clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

Country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

Delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good"

Desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

Display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

Downtown Boston: "Callahan Tunnel / No end."

Dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

Electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

Fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges"

Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

Front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

Front yard in York, Maine: "Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."

Funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

Funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

Grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

Health food shop window: "Closed due to illness"

Laundromat: "Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the
Light goes out"

Laundry room: "Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."

Library: "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away."

Long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."

Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."

Maternity clothes shop: We are open on labor day

Maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

Military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

Muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Music library: Bach in a minuet

New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."

New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."

New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

Non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

Office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken"

Offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

Optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

Pizza shop: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Plastic surgeon: "Hello. Can we help you pick your nose?"

Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels"

Poster on a telephone pole in Oregon: "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

Radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

Radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

Repair shop door: "We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door -- the bell
doesn't work)"

Restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: "Do not activate with wet hands."

Roller coaster: "Watch your head."

Rug store: "Parking for rugs only"

Safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: "If you are sitting in an exit row and cannot read this card, please tell a crew member."

San Francisco drug store located across the street from a bus terminal: "Terminal Drugs"

Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

Secondhand shop: "We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. why not bring
your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?"

Shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament – Ears pierced"

Side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

Somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says: "Do not throw stones at this sign."

Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $100. They won't last an hour!"

Taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Toilet in London: "Toilet out of order, please use floor below"

Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Urbana, Illinois: NO PARKING ON THE SIDE OF VILLAGE STREETS WITH EVEN ADDRESSES ON ODD NUMBERED DAYS OR ODD NUMBERED ADDRESSES ON EVEN NUMBERED DAYS EXCEPT AS OTHERWISE DESIGNATED. A DAY BEGINS AT 6 PM THE PRECEDING DAY.

Vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

Veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. – Sisters of Mercy"

Window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

Window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"