BEER TROUBLESHOOTING



SYMPTOM:          Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:          Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:          Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM:          Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:          Improper bladder control.
ACTION:          Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM:          Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:          Glass empty.
ACTION:          Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:          Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:          You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:          Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM:          Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:          You have fallen forward.
ACTION:          See above.

SYMPTOM:          Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:          Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:          Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM:          Floor blurred.
FAULT:          You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:          Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:          Floor moving.
FAULT:          You are being carried out.
ACTION:          Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM:          Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:          Bar has closed.
ACTION:          Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM:          Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:          Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:          Cover mouth.