BLONDE JOKES II



You've Got Mail
          A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.
          She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."
          The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

Winner!
          A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
          The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
          The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
          By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
          Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"
          The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

Burning Barn
          This blonde calls this rural fire dept. all excited she says come quick my barns on fire, my barn's on fire.
          The dispatcher says calm down now just tell us how to get there.
          She says " oh, Don't you have that big red truck anymore?"

Horse Back Riding
          A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
          It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
          Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
          Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when....................................
          Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Safe Sex
          A blonde walks into a pharmacy before having sex.
          She says to the guy behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a condom, please."
          He says, "Hey, watch your mouth!"
          She says, "You're right. better make that 2."

Hail Storm
          A blonde was driving her car one day, when she ran into a hailstorm. The hail stones were very large and made a lot of dents in the roof of her car. After the hail stopped, she went to a gas station and asked the attendant what she could do to get the dents out of her car.
          The attendant, being a smart-ass, told her: "Blow real hard into the exhaust pipe, and that should push out the dents."
          When the blonde got home, not knowing any better, she did just that. While she was down on her hands and knees with her lips wrapped around her car's tailpipe, huffing and puffing trying to blow the dents out, her roommate-also a blonde-came home.
          Her roommate of course asked her what the heck she was doing.
          The first blonde told her how the guy at the gas station said this was how she could get the dents out.
          The second blonde thought about it for a moment, then said: "Like, uh, you have to roll-up the windows first."

Thermos
          A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"
          The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
          The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
          The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one.
          The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?"
          She replies "It's a thermos."
          He asks, "What does it do?"
          She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
          He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
          "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

Skip a Day
          A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
          "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
          When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
          "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
          The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
          "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Car for Sale
          A blonde tried to sell her old car. But she was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
          The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
          "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
          "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
          The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
          About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
          "No," replied the blonde," why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Crossing the River
          A dumb blonde walking along, lost, encountered a deep and wide river. She looked up and down that river and could not see a way across. She looked to the other side and saw another blonde on the opposite river bank and called out to her.
          "How can I get to the other side of the river?"
          The other blonde replied, "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"

Robbery
          A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store. The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
          The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"
          He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof".
          The cop says, "its only a dog".
          He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"

Execution
          Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
          The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."
          Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
          The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."
          Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
          By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."
          ...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

Porsche
          There was this blonde applying for a job and saw a sign that said help wanted for paint job. So she went to the house and knocked on the door.
          She said, "I'm here for the paint job," and the guy said, "Ok. Here's the paint. I want you to paint the porch."
          She said, "No problem," and set off to work. She finished the first coating and decided because it didn't take very long she would give it a second coat.
          She finished the second and knocked on the door. She said, "I gave it two coats and oh, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

Seagulls
          A blonde and a brunette were walking along the beach.
          The brunette says "Gosh, look at all the dead seagulls!"
          The blonde looks up in the sky and says,"Where?"

I'm Winning!
          A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 mor cents pushed the button and another coke came out.
          She kept doing this untill a guy standing behind her said, " Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?"
          The blonde turns around and says, " Like duh not when I am winning!! "

Blonde Kidnapper
          A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
          She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
          She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
          The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Bear Tracks
          Two blondes are walking in the forest.
          One looks down and says, "Look, deer tracks".
          The other blonde looks down and says, "Those aren't deer tracks, those are bear tracks".
          Half an hour later they were still arguing, when the train hit them.

Call Mom
          A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.
          When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims.."I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!!"
          To that the man asks "Anything"? And the blonde says "yes...Anything"!!
          With that, the man says "Follow me"..He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"..She does!!
          He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!.. He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!... He then says "Go ahead... Take it out". With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..She says "HELLO, MOM?"

Jamaica
          A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.
          The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica".
          The stewardess gets the Head Stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she again responds "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica".
          The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.
          The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
          The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".

Canoeing
          This one blonde is driving down the street and she sees this other blonde a canoe in a corn field. The blonde in the car jumps out and yells at the blonde in the canoe.
          She says "What the hell are you doing? It's blondes like you that make us blondes look stupid. If I knew how to swim I'd come over there and kick your ass!"

Blondes on an Island
          There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
          The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
          The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
          The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Hanger
          Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Car Horn
          One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulls in front of them. The blonde then puts her lips on the steering wheel.
          The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?!"
          The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."

Race
          A blonde woman was in a competition to swim across the English Channel. Her competitors in the Breast Stroke division were a brunette woman and a redheaded woman. The brunette came in first, the redhead a few minutes later. Just as the sun was setting, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.
          After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

Pretty Blonde
          A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
          "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
          She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
          "Okay", she says.
          After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
          They say, "Huh?"
          She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
          Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
          Jed says, "Luke?"
          Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
          Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
          "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
          "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
          "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".
          "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Blonde and Officer
          One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
          The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
          "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"
          "...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
          "It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.
          "Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.
          The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;
          "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.
          "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."
          "WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.
          "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
          So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"