ACTUAL BUMPER
STICKERS:
A BARTENDER IS JUST A PHARMACIST WITH A LIMITED INVENTORY.
ALL MEN ARE ANIMALS,
SOME JUST MAKE BETTER PETS
"AUNTIE EM: HATE YOU, HATE
3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T.
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.
ALCOHOL AND CALCULUS DON'T MIX. NEVER DRINK AND DERIVE.
ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
BE NICE TO YOUR KIDS. THEY'LL CHOOSE YOUR NURSING HOME.
BEAUTIFY TEXAS. PUT A YANKEE ON A BUS.
CAT: THE OTHER WHITE
MEAT
CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM A VENDING MACHINE.
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS.
CRIME WOULDN'T PAY IF THE GOVERNMENT RAN IT.
CYNICS ARE PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE PRICE OF EVERYTHING AND THE VALUE OF NOTHING.
DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN FIND A
ROCK.
EARTH FIRST! WE'LL STRIP-MINE THE OTHER PLANETS LATER.
ESCHEW OBFUSCATION.
EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?
FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT.
FIVE DAYS A WEEK MY BODY IS A TEMPLE. THE OTHER TWO, IT'S AN AMUSEMENT PARK.
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.
GROW YOUR OWN
DOPE—PLANT A MAN
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
HEART ATTACKS… GOD'S REVENGE FOR EATING HIS CUTE LITTLE ANIMAL FRIENDS
HONK IF YOU'VE NEVER
SEEN AN UZI FIRED FROM A CAR WINDOW
HORN BROKEN, WATCH FOR FINGER.
HOW MANY ROADS MUST A
MAN TRAVEL DOWN BEFORE HE ADMITS HE IS LOST?
I BRAKE FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN.
I DON'T LIE, CHEAT OR STEAL UNNECESSARILY.
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES.
I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU ARE DRIVING, OR WHERE YOU WOULD RATHER BE.
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF
IT.
I NEED SOMEONE REALLY BAD. ARE YOU REALLY BAD?
IF AT FIRST YOU DO SUCCEED, TRY NOT TO LOOK ASTONISHED.
IF WALKING IS SO GOOD
FOR YOU, THEN WHY DOES MY MAILMAN LOOK LIKE JABBA THE HUT?
IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY MADE OF MEAT?
IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT; I'M CHEAP, FAST, AND EASY.
IF WE QUIT VOTING
WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY?
IF YOU CAN READ THIS, I CAN HIT MY BRAKES AND SUE YOU.
IF YOU CAN READ THIS, I'VE LOST MY TRAILER
IF YOU CAN READ THIS,
PLEASE FLIP ME BACK OVER… [SEEN UPSIDE DOWN ON A JEEP]
I'M AS CONFUSED AS A BABY IN A TOPLESS BAR!
I'M JUST DRIVING THIS WAY TO PISS YOU OFF.
I'M NOT AS THINK AS YOU DRUNK I AM.
IT'S AS BAD AS YOU THINK AND THEY ARE OUT TO GET YOU.
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.
JESUS IS COMING, EVERYONE LOOK BUSY.
JESUS LOVES YOU...EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.
JESUS PAID FOR OUR SINS...NOW LETS GET OUR MONEY'S WORTH.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE WON THE RAT RACE ALONG COME FASTER RATS.
KEEP HONKING WHILE I RELOAD.
LAWYER: A CAT SETTLES A DISPUTE BETWEEN 2 MICE.
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS MISTAKES – USE BIRTH CONTROL!
LORD SAVE ME FROM YOUR FOLLOWERS.
LOTTERY: A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AT MATH.
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS.
MADNESS TAKES ITS TOLL. PLEASE HAVE EXACT CHANGE.
MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF, AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT.
MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING, BUT IT SURE KEEPS THE KIDS IN TOUCH
MY HOCKEY MOM CAN
BEAT UP YOUR SOCCER MOM
MY KARMA RAN OVER YOUR DOGMA.
MY WIFE KEEPS COMPLAINING I NEVER LISTEN TO HER ... OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
MY WIFE SAYS IF I GO FISHING ONE MORE TIME, SHE'S GOING TO LEAVE ME...GOSH, I'M GOING TO MISS HER.
NUKE THE UNBORN BABY WHALES.
OUT OF MY MIND. BACK IN FIVE
MINUTES.
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE. PITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE.
PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE
MAY BE HAPPY.
REMEMBER FOLKS: STOP
LIGHTS TIMED FOR 35MPH ARE ALSO TIMED FOR 70MPH
SAVE THE WHALES! TRADE THEM FOR VALUABLE PRIZES.
SEX ON TELEVISION CAN'T HURT YOU UNLESS YOU FALL OFF.
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM.
SOMETIMES I WAKE UP GRUMPY; OTHER TIMES I LET HER SLEEP
SORRY, I DON'T DATE OUTSIDE MY SPECIES.
STOP REPEAT OFFENDERS. DON'T RE-ELECT THEM!
TAXATION WITH REPRESENTATION ISN'T SO HOT, EITHER!
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE.
THIS WOULD BE REALLY
FUNNY IF IT WEREN'T HAPPENING TO ME
TIME IS WHAT KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE
VERY FUNNY, SCOTTY! NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES.
WANT A TASTE OF RELIGION? BITE A MINISTER.
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF "SMART."
WELCOME TO
WHERE ARE WE GOING
AND WHY AM I IN THIS HAND BASKET?
WHITEWATER IS OVER WHEN THE FIRST LADY SINGS.
WHO CARES WHO'S ON BOARD?
WHO WERE THE BETA TESTERS FOR PREPARATIONS A THROUGH G?
WHY IS "ABBREVIATION" SUCH A LONG WORD?
WILL ROGERS NEVER MET A LAWYER.
WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL TO MEN LACK AMBITION.
WORK IS FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO FISH.
YOUR CHILD MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT.