COMEDIAN QUOTES


"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." – Bobcat Goldthwait

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." – Elayne Boosler

"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself." – Judy Tenuta

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" – John Mendoza

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." – Bob Ettinger

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." – Jeff Stilson

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." – Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." – David Letterman

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.' " – Jake Johansen

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." – Paul Rodriguez

"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!' " – Emo Phillips