GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper __ My Mama Done Tol' Me
__ Bible __ Near Death Experience
__ Torah __ Near Life Experience
__ Television __ National Public Radio
__ Book of Mormon __ Tabloid
__ Divine Inspiration __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Dead Sea Scrolls __ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Allah __ Satan
__ Jehovah __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Jesus __ Odin and entourage [Valhallah Pak]
__ Krishna __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ Burning shrubbery __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
__ No, all of the above are false gods
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Michael Jackson)
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ When beseeched, does not stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
__ No burning shrubbery
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
__ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed to focus whom to despise __ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Imaginary friend grew up __ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music __ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Shit was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it.
5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Mick Jagger __ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Cthulhu __ The Great Spirit
__ Baal __ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Almighty Dollar __ The Sun
__ Bill Gates __ Elvis
__ Left-Wing Liberalism __ Cindy Crawford
__ The Radical Right __ The Moon
__ Ra __ Saddam Hussein
__ Beelzebub __ Burning shrubbery
__ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Dianetics
__ Lottery __ Palmistry
__ Astrology __ Teletubbies
__ Television __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Fortune cookies __ Self-help books
__ Ann Landers __ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Bill Clinton __ Human Sacrifice
__ Tea Leaves __ Pyramids
__ EST __ Wandering Around a Desert
__ ESPN Sportscenter __ Insurance Policies
__ Mantras __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Jimmy Swaggert __ Prince Charles
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other:_____________________
__ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following: (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
A. Disasters:
Flood 1 2 3 4 5
Famine 1 2 3 4 5
Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
War 1 2 3 4 5
Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
Plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Birth of Ken Starr 1 2 3 4 5
Birth of Bill Gates 1 2 3 4 5
Titanic (the movie only) 1 2 3 4 5
B. Miracles:
Rescues 1 2 3 4 5
Spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
Stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
Crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
Water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
Walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Victoria's Secret models 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet or notebooks if necessary)
_______________________________
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by April 15 (i.e., Day of Reckoning in all U.S. religions), you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 1023, depending on the number of insignificant human worms who enter).