< YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...


Submitted to Car Talk by: David Levinthal


After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
All of your four-letter words have two syllables.
Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You go to a stock-car race and don't need a program.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have a Hefty bag for a passenger-side window.
You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.
You have grease under your toenails.
You have more than two relatives named Bubba or Junior.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You own a three-pound belt buckle.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You picked your false teeth from a catalog.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You read the "Auto Trader" with a highlight pen.
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You're considered an expert on worm beds.
You've ever bathed with flea-and-tick soap.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge- clearance restrictions.
You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call..."
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
Your family tree does not branch.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your father walks you to school because you and he are in the same grade.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
Your house has wheels and your car doesn't.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "show and tell."
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
Your wife's hairdo has been caught in the ceiling fan at least once.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.