MISCELLANEOUS



Reading Glasses

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"

"Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."


It Hurts!

A man goes to the doctor and says: "It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)

"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)

"And here" (his leg)

"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)

So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong. He exclaimed, "You've got a broken finger!"


Conversation with God

Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God to Man: "So you would love her."

"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God replies: "So she would love you."


World's Best Beer

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey seņor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it. The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"

The Guiness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."


Fresh Blood

A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"


Labor Pains

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.


Tennis Ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that?" she asked,... her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful...I had tennis elbow once."


Flagpole

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So, they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures. Soon, they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures...the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He casually pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it down on the ground, and measures it from end to end. Then, he gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has left, one manager turns to the other and laughs, "Isn't that just like an engineer... we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.


Birth Control

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Sherri to her best friend June. "But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," June responded. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution!" shrieked Sherri.


Not So Dumb

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"


Shotgun

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"


Harvard or MIT

A guy was in the 12 items or less express line at the grocery store, but he clearly had a lot more than 12 items. So the cashier says to him, "You're either from Harvard or MIT."

Astonished, he asks her, "How do you know?"

"Either you're from MIT and can't read," she said, "or you're from Harvard and can't add."

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