So this guy walks into a bar, looking VERY depressed. With a deep sigh, and the start of a tear in one eye, he orders FIVE 40-year-old single malt Scotches--which run about twenty bucks apiece.

The barman lines 'em up, and as the guy knocks 'em back, says, "Mister, you look as depressed as anyone I ever seen in this place."

The guy says, "You'd be sad too, if you had what I got."

"Man! What do you got?"

The guy finished the last drink, and says, "Fifty cents."

***

A fella walks into a bar and orders his drink. He notices the guy sitting next to him seems a little down. He decides to try engaging the sad sack in conversation.

"Say - this is my first time here. I couldn’t help but notice all of the bar stools have numbers on them. What's the deal?"

The sad sack relies "Well, every evening they have a drawing. If you happen to be sitting on the number called, you get to go in that room over there, and have wild sex. They try to fulfill you every dream."

"Wow - I've never heard of such a thing. Have you ever won?"

"No, but my wife wins every time."

***

The day after St. Paddy's day, Seamus O'Malley, looking a wee bit green, went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor took one look at him and said: "Seamus, you look horrible. You need to start drinkin Canada Dry"

So he flew over there.

***

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell

happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

***

A purple polka-dotted penguin goes into a bar and orders a White Russian. The bartender mixes it up, gives it to the penguin, and he drinks it. When he asks for his tab the bartender charges him $20.00. Reluctantly, the penguin slams the money down on the counter and gets up to leave.

"Hey, wait!" The bartender yelled after him. "We don't get to many purple polka-dotted penguins in here.

The penguin turns around and yells

"At $20.00 for a White Russian I should think not!"

***

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says, "the Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day she checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

***

A guy walks into bar on the 30th floor of a building. The only people in it are the bartender and another man, named Clark. So our friend, who we will call Steve, sits down and orders a drink. After a few minutes, Clark says to Steve, "I bet you if you jumped out of the window the wind would blow you back in." Steve says, "Yeah Right, lets see you do it first." Clark jumps out the window, and sure enough, the wind blows him right back in. Steve says, "do that again, and then I'll try it." Clark does it again. "OK," Steve says, and hops out the window, falling 30 stories to his death. Clark goes back over to the bar, and sits back down. The bartender says, "You know, sometimes you're a real jerk, Superman."

***

A man in Dallas, Texas walks into a bar one evening, goes up to the bar, sits down and orders a beer. After he's had a few, he looks down at the end of the bar and notices a man sitting there. With each additional beer, he stares at the other man more and more. After he's had quite a few, he works up the nerve to talk to him:

"You know, you look very familiar to me."

The other man says, "You look kinda familiar to me, too."

"Where are you from?" the first man asks.

"I was born and raised in Garland, Texas, 'bout ten miles from this here bar."

"Well, I was born and raised in Garland, Texas, too. Isn't that something? Where'd you go to college?"

"I went to Texas A&M University."

"Me too," said the first man. "When did you graduate?"

"1984."

"Me too," said the first man. "Did you play on the football team?"

"I sure did."

"Me too. What position did you play?"

"I was the starting tight end. How about you?"

"I was the starting quarterback. I knew you looked familiar."

The phone rang, and the bartender, who had been listening to the conversation, answered and said:

"Naw, not much happening here tonight, honey. Just got the Johnson twins drunk in here again."

***

A guy has a few too many drinks one night, and as he's leaving the bar, he falls over. "I better crawl till I'm in the fresh air," he says, and crawls outside. He stands up again, and falls on his face. He says, "Geez, I guess I should crawl home too," and does so. At his front door, he tries to stand up, and again falls over. "My God," he says, "did I really have that much to drink? I'll just crawl to bed." He does, and falls asleep quickly.

The next day, his wife wakes him and says, "Honey, you must really have been drunk last night. The bar called and said you left your wheelchair!"

***

I was walking home from drinking last Saturday night, and some idiot stepped on my hand.

***

Have you heard that they've raised the legal drinking age to 32 in Tennessee? They're trying to keep alcohol out of the public school

***

Do you need a push?

A man and his wife were in bed one night when they were awakened by a loud noise outside their front door. The wife wanted her husband to go downstairs and see what it was, but he didn't want to. After she nagged him for a few minutes, he finally assented. On his way down the stairs, someone knocked loudly on the front door. When the man got to the door, he opened it, and saw a man standing outside, obviously inebriated. Thoroughly annoyed, the husband asked the drunk what he wanted. The drunk said, "You gotta help me. I need a push." The man refused, but the drunk insisted, "I really need a push." "No," the man replied. "It's nearly 2am, and you're drunk. You shouldn't be driving, anyway." The drunk responded, "You don't understand. I just need a push." Finally, the man slammed the door in the drunk's face and went back to bed.

When he got there, his wife asked him who it was. When he told her, she insisted that he go back downstairs and give the man a push. "After all," she said, "what if one day we are stranded and need a push?" Not fully buying into her logic, but needing another nagging even less, the man tromped downstairs, grumbling all the way. He opened the front door, and the drunk was nowhere to be seen. He yelled, "HEY! Drunk guy! Are you still out here?" He heard the reply, "Yeah!" from off to his side.

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yeah!"

"Where are you?"

"Over here, on your swing set!"