Des O'Connor is a popular singer that people of my mother's generation like. Desmond Lynham is a Brit TV sports presenter Terry Wogan is a Brit TV chat show host. Mickey Mouse is a small furry animal with big ears and a long tail.
Now read on. ----------
SUBJECT: MUSICAL HUMOR
Q: What is the true makeup of a string quartet?
A: A good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists.
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss notes.
Q: How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player ?
A: He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your ass.
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: What is the similarity between lightning and a violist's fingers?
A: They both never strike the same place twice.
Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
Q: What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
A: They're both offensive and inaccurate.
Q: What's the difference between a viola and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug in a vacuum cleaner before it sucks.
Q: What's the difference between a violist and a shaggy dog?
A: A shaggy dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: What's a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.
Q: What do you call a violist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
Q: Four violists drive a mini-van off of a cliff. What is the tragedy?
A: You can easily fit eight violists in a mini-van.
ENTRY EXAM FOR THE BBC SYMPATHY ORCHESTRA – VIOLA PLAYERS
1. Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's 6th Symphony b) Faure Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
2. Tchaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony No. 4. Name the other five.
3. Explain - Counterpoint or write your name on the reverse of the paper.
4. Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani b) an organ c) a cello d) a viola
5. Can you explain "Sonata Form"? Answer yes or no.
6. Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals - Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth - William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears - Enid Blyton
7. Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument?
8. Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly b) Slowly c) Very Quickly d) At a Moderate Pace
9. Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
10. Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy d) Terry Wogan
11. Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies d) Desmond Lynham
12. Arrange the following words into a well known Puccini opera: Boheme, La
13. Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz?
14. From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela b) Sri Lanka c) Germany d) Japan
15. For what town were Haydn's "Paris" symphonies written?
16. Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture -Romeo and Juliet - Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet - Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet - Prokofiev
d) Ten Green Bottles - anon.
17. From which song do the following lines come? "God save our gracious Queen, Long live our Noble Queen."
18. Spell the following musical terms: allegro, rallentando, crotchet, pizzicato, intermezzo.
19. Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?
20. Arrange the following letters to form the name of a well known British broadcasting corporation. C, B, B.
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?" The soprano answers, "3". "Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle. "Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano, and Pete explains, "Here in heaven we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth." "Oh," says the soprano, and she is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is THAT?" asks the soprano, horrified. "Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back, he's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine."
The late Herbert von Karajan and his wife enter a hotel room:
She: "My God, it is cold in here!"
HvK: "But, liebchen, when we are in private, you can call me Herbert."
Q: Why are conductor's hearts coveted for transplants?
A: They've had little use.
A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more. Same message from receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."
Q: How many John Cages does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Q: What do you say about an accordion player up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What do you say to the accordion player in the three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise...
A tax preparer was helping some customers. The first guy comes in and the tax man asks him, "How much money did you make last year?" The guy answers, "Oh, about $100,000" "Gee, that's good! what do you do?" "I'm a lawyer for a big corporation," etc. So the tax man finishes up with him and the next guy comes in. "How much money did you make last year?" "I made $150,000 dollars." "Oh really? What do you do?" "Well, I'm the head doctor at this big hospital ..." And so the tax man finishes with him. The third guy comes in and the tax man asks him, "How much money did you make last year?" The guy answers, "Well, last year was a pretty good year, I made about $9,000" The tax man asks him, "Oh, really? What instrument do you play?"