WELCOME TO PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE


If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If this is an emergency and you require the care and guidance of a highly-skilled, trained professional, you are out of luck because they were all cut back or forced out. However, if you are willing to hold, one of our cross-trained, multi-skilled, team members will be happy to serve you as best as they can after he or she gets finished scrubbing the floor.