QUOTATIONS
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. –
Steven Wright
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. – Steven Wright
A censor is someone who views pornography all day, but does
not get corrupted even though he is certain you would be.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – Steven Wright
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. – Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. – Steven
Wright
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A fool and his money are a date's best friend.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
– Steven Wright
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone
else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty fades, dumb is forever.
Beware of quantum duck hunters! Quark! Quark!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. – Steven Wright
Black holes are where God divided by zero. – Steven Wright
Borrow money from pessimists – they don't expect it back. – Steven Wright
Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines. –
Steven Wright
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. – Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till
you can find a rock.
Do you think the people who establish speed limits for local
and state roads actually drive that slowly themselves?"
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. – Steven Wright
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. – Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. – Steven
Wright
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. – Steven Wright
For those who take life too seriously
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Get a new car for you spouse – it'll be a great trade!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
G6d is Santa Claus for adults.
Half the people you know are below average. – Steven Wright
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. – Steven Wright
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? – Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. – Steven
Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Steven Wright
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I doubt therefore I might be.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good. – Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. – Steven Wright
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
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publik edekasion
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. – Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried. – Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. –
Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? – Steven Wright
If electricity is produced by electrons, is morality produced by morons?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
– Steven Wright
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. – Steven
Wright
It's a fine line between frugal and being a cheap bastard.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. – William
G. McAdoo, American government official (1863-1941)
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. – Steven Wright
Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never judge a book by its movie. – J.W. Eagan
Never look at the trombones...It only encourages them. – Richard Strauss
No one is listening until you make a mistake. – Steven Wright
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
OK, so what's the speed of dark? – Steven Wright
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. – Steven Wright
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Reasonable people adapt to the world. Unreasonable people
persist in trying to adapt the world to themselves.
Therefore, all progress depends on unreasonable people. – George Bernard Shaw
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. – Steven Wright
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. – Steven Wright
Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. – Steven
Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – Steven
Wright
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no
more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
– George Bernard Shaw
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. –
Steven Wright
"The large print giveth and the
small print taketh away. – Tom Waits
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. – Steven Wright
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
– Steven Wright
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. –
Steven Wright
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise
above your principles.
Trying is the first step toward failure. – Homer Simpson
Two wrongs are only the beginning. – Steven Wright
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get
worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? – Steven Wright
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. – Steven Wright
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is
like the IRS.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? – Steven Wright
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? – Steven Wright
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then
used against you.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. – Steven Wright
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!