This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.

" With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago

***

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that’s interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars!

There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

She hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

***

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on

the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The undertaker."

***

A guy's driving his brand new BMW along a deserted highway late at night, so he decides to see how fast that baby will go. He floors it and watches as the speedometer dial goes up to 90, 100, 110, 120. All of the sudden, he notices flashing red lights in his rear view mirror. He pulls over and stops, and a police car stops right behind him. The cop gets out of the car, walks up to the BMW's driver's side window. The cop says, "Look, it's the end of my shift, it's Friday the 13th and I'm really tired. I'll tell you what. If you give some reason I've never heard before why you were driving so fast, I'll let you off the hook."

So the BMW driver thinks for a minute and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you were bringing her back." The cop responds, "Have a nice weekend."

***

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

***

An man who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

***

A woman wakes up one night to find that her husband is not in bed. This is unusual, so she gets up to find him. She looks in the bathroom, and in the kitchen, and is becoming alarmed when she hears terrible sobbing and moaning coming from the basement. She goes to the basement, and asks him why he's crying. He replies, "Do you remember when you're daddy caught us having sex in the back of my car when you were sixteen?" She says, "Yes, how can I forget that?" He says, "Do you remember what he told me that night?" She says, "Sure I do. He told you that if you didn't marry me you'd spend the next twenty years of your life in prison. So why are you crying?"

He said, "Well, it just occurred to me that I'd be getting out this week."

***

What's the difference between a circus and a single's bar? In the circus, the clowns don't talk.

***

Guide to Common Male & Female Conversational Phrases

Women’s English

“Yes” = no.

“No” = Yes.

“Maybe” = No.

“I’m sorry” = You’ll be sorry.

“We need” = I want.

“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

“Do what you want” = You’ll pay for this later.

“We need to talk” = I need to complain.

“Sure….go ahead” = I don’t want you to.

“I’m, not upset” = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

“You’re….so manly” = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

“You’re certainly attentive tonight” = Is sex all you ever think about?

“Be romantic, turn out the lights” = I have flabby thighs.

“This kitchen is so inconvenient” = I want a new house.

“I want new curtains” = and carpeting, and furniture and wallpaper…

“Hang the picture there” = NO, I mean hang it there!

“I heard a noise” = I noticed you were almost asleep.

“Do you love me?” = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

“How much do you love me?” = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

“I’ll be ready in a minute” = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

“Is my butt fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful.

“You have to learn to communicate” = Just agree with me.

“Are you listening to me!?” = [Too late, you’re dead.]

“Was that the baby?” = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

“I’m not yelling!” = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Men’s English:

“I’m hungry” = I’m hungry.

“I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy.

“I’m tired” = I’m tired.

“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!

“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you.

“What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this.

“What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

“I’m bored” = Do you want to have sex?

“I love you” = Let’s have sex now.

“I love you, too” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = I liked it better before.

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

“Let’s talk” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) “I like that one better” = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

“I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together” = I am gay.

***

Husband to 40 year old wife during midlife reflection: I think I'll trade you in for two 20-year olds.

Wife to husband: You're not wired for 220.

***

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her - "Hello" "How are you! "We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

***

Wife: You know, dear, you just don't appreciate how good I still look. I went to the doctor today and he said I have the bosom of a twenty-year old.

Husband: What did he say about your forty-year-old ass?

Wife: Your name didn't come up.

***

One afternoon a young married women and her lover were lying in bed. He also happened to be her husband John's best friend. The phone rang and after answering the lover could hear her say, "fine, how is it going, good, great, see you then". When she hung up he asked her who it was. She replied, "that was John, asking how I was, said that he would be home tomorrow night, and what a good time he was having fishing with you."

***

What's the difference between men and bonds?

Bonds mature.

***

Three finalists for a very high Secret Service job--two men, one woman. First man is given a gun told: Go into the next room and shoot your spouse. He says "No, I can't" and walks out. Second guy is given the gun, goes into the room, closes the door. Long silence and he finally comes out and says "I just can't" and leaves. The woman is given the gun, goes into the room, shuts the door. Much yelling, screaming, thumping and she comes out at last, her hair a mess, clothes torn and says: "Why the hell didn't you tell me there were blanks in the gun? I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

***

Guy comes home from a doctor visit and tells his wife he's got a terminal illness with only 24 hours to live. "That's HORRIBLE!, Jim!" she exclaims. "So, what do you want to do on your last day on earth?" "Well," he says, "I want to get that wine we've been saving, go upstairs and act like we're a coupla kids again, ALL NIGHT LONG!" "That's easy for you to say" she replied, "YOU don't have to get up in the morning!"

***

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

***

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bring him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shaking made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral".

***

There are three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

"Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?"

"Well, then she said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'"

***

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Sullivan after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..." The priest says"What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...

***

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Patrick is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Not really. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

***

If Men Really Ruled The World.......

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."

Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

***

Why don't women fart as much as men do?

Because they don't shut their mouth long enough for the pressure to build up!

***

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

None- Real men aren't afraid of the dark!

***

A little boy and girl go to the movies and see a Clark Gable movie. After the movie was over and they were walking home, the little boy, thinking about what he just saw, thought he would give it a try.

He turn to the little girl, grabs her around the waist and leans her over and looks deeply into her eyes. Then in his best Clark Gable voice said, "I want what I want when I want it!"

The little girl pushes him back, puts her hands on her hips and staring back says, "You'll get what I got when I get it.

***

Q. What's the difference between a woman gossiping on the front porch and a dog barking in the back yard?

A. Bring the dog inside, he'll shut up.

***

Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too.

I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel.

I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scum balls.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

(by way of humorist Dave Barry)

***

A man is like a fine wine. He starts out as raw grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

***

A psychiatrist has just seen a patient. He asks him to wait and brings the patient's wife in his office to talk with her about her husband's life-threatening stress problem.

He tells her, "I must recommend to you that you keep the home environment as stress-free as possible. Have a hot meal ready for him when he comes home for dinner, keep the house clean, and don't argue with him. Try this for two weeks and then bring him back to the office. His life depends on it."

They go into the lobby where her husband is waiting.

"What did the doctor say, honey?" he asks.

The wife looks at him. "He says you're going to die."