SALON ON-LINE MAGAZINE


Recent winners (www.salon1999.com, January – February, 1998 )



TELE-INVENTIONS: How to deal with telemarketers.

MUMBLE-MATIC: Just hanging up on telemarketers isn't good enough. The only way to make the industry unprofitable is to waste their time. Enter Mumble-Matic! As soon as you realize the nature of the call, switch it on and walk away. Mumble-Matic detects the vocal pauses left when being asked a question, and replies with an almost-but-not-quite incomprehensible bout of mumbling. This continues until – tired and frustrated – the call canvasser hangs up on their own. – Orinoco

TELEMARKETER CONFERENCING: Don't waste your valuable time listening to sales pitches and requests for money. A touch of a button connects the telemarketer to another phone salesperson. Includes eavesdropping feature allowing you to hear the confusion. Connect AT&T to MCI and enjoy the rest of your day! – Wendy Edwards

ONE-WAY CALLING: For the seriously reclusive who wants to use the phone but doesn't actually want to talk to anyone, this new feature allows you to carry on a conversation over a live telephonic circuit without the inconvenience of involving another person. – Mark Epstein
Jan. 26, 1998

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SPELL-CHECKER SUGGESTIONS: Unintended spell-checker changes.

Also awarded a posthumous Grammy was John Denver, Colorado 80237-2843. – Raphael Laderman

National Organization for Women is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country. – Janet Varon

Atomic bombers criticize Enola homosexual exhibit. – Ken Shirriff

"Mississippi Masala": A touching romance in which a carpet cleaner (Denzel Washington) falls in love with a beautiful Native American woman. – Alex Pascover

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SOFTWARE WE NEED:

Microsoft Exces: This is a program that began life as a spreadsheet, but gradually amalgamated features until, as a 360-gigabyte behemoth, it also contains a word processor, presentation manager, a database, two (incompatible) scripting/macro languages, an operating system, a metropolitan transportation agency (originally developed in Los Angeles), and an Oktoberfest recipe calculator. Its network component automatically purchases disk expansions for your system online to accommodate new features, which are introduced monthly. – Samuel Goldstein

Ragemaker: Next April 1, secretly add this plug-in module to your friend's regular page layout application and wait for the delightful howls of anguish as fonts change randomly, words hyphenate in absurd and risquι ways, color separations misalign, and much much more! – Jens Alfke

Lotus Noses: Allows people to design their own noses, either using freehand drawing, or by selecting from one of 500 templates. – Mark Epstein

RAMDoubter: This application will convince you that you have less RAM than the computer salesman told you was installed. Requires at least 32MB RAM. Or more, depending. – Michael Schmidt

BS Word: A multimedia, client-server, Java-based solution for all your BSing needs. BS Word can increase your word count with a controlled ratio of meaningless buzzwords, incomprehensible technical jargon, vague adjectives, and little white lies. BS Word also includes the patented Stealth mode for when you have to say something but don't have anything to say. Create up to 10,000 words that appear to have context but mean absolutely nothing! – Clay Neimann

Visicalf: The world's leading animal husbandry software! Even if you can't tell a heifer from a steer, VisiCalf will have your herd thriving in no time. Use the StudTracker (tm) function to cull the bulls from the Big Macs. Or, try the new mad-cow feature for those fun "what-if" scenarios! Bundled with any new Gateway 2000 computer. – Toby Driscoll

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TICKLERS: In this Challenge, we asked you to show us what you would like your computer to remind you of. The message appears to be: Get a Life! 'Nuf said. And now, the five ticklers that tickled us ...

GET NEW FRIENDS This is the 50th time you've checked your e-mail today without a message. Maybe you should get out more. – Erika Jahneke

ATTENTION! The last time you used the exclamation mark was 78 days ago. Could it be time for vitamins? – Karen Newton

GOOD MORNING JIM! Today is February 14, Valentine's Day. I have scanned your chat logs and sent the following e-cards: "Happy Valentine's Day" to Janet, signed "Jim" "Happy Valentine's Day" to Bill, signed "Jane" "Happy Valentine's Day" to Fluffy, signed "Fido" – Christopher Rusho

730TH DAY ON JOB You've been working here for two years. It's high time you started looking for new and better employment. – Chris Orloff

WARRANTY EXPIRATION The warranty for your computer has just expirsmn+gk2jh – Francis Heaney