STEVEN WRIGHT QUOTATIONS


42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. *

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. *

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. *

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. *

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it." **

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...*

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." **

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? *

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

All the plants in my house are dead – I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. **

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. *

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the sense to be lazy.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" *

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. *

Black holes are where God divided by zero. **

Borrow money from pessimists – they don't expect it back. *

Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo! *

Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines. *

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. **

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. *

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. **

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it... *

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. *

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. *

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. **

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. **

Four years ago...no, it was yesterday. *

Half the people you know are below average. *

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. *

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.*

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? **

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. **

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. **

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. *

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. *

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. *

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. **

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. *

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. *

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." *

I can't stop thinking like this.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. **

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. *

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. *

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store – "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday." *

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify." I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do? *

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I was doing. *

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I pushed "1" and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?" The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! *

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had amnesia once or twice. *

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen. *

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy. *

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. *

I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. *

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. *

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." *

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it. *

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. *

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. *

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious! **

I intend to live forever – so far, so good. *

I invented the cordless extension cord. *

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know. *

I like to skate on the other side of the ice. *

I lost a button hole today. *

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." *

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. *

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. **

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. *

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." *

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me – he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning, we got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. *

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." *

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. *

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. *

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. *

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. *

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. *

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. *

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. *

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. *

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today. *

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. *

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. *

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. *

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. **

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I took a baby shower. *

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done. *

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. *

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger. *

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. *

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. *

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. *

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. **

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. *

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..." **

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank." *

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. *

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". *

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. **

I was skydiving horizontally. *

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. *

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

I washed mud, off of mud. *

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. **

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. *

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." *

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." *

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. **

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. *

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. *

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." *

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. **

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. *

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" *

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. *

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." *

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. **

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring." *

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.*

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice) *

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. *

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. *

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? **

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. *

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. **

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? *

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. *

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? *

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? *

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. *

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? *

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? *

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? *

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. *

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? *

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. *

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.*

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." **

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. *

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. *

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? *

Is "tired old cliche" one? *

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. *

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. *

It's a fine night to have an evening. *

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. **

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. *

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. *

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't remember what it was.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. *

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. *

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. **

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. *

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. *

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. *

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper. **

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time." * My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.*

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...Well, to make a long story short... *

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out. *

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. *

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." *

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. *

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

OK, so what's the speed of dark? *

On the other hand, you have different fingers. *

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." *

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. **

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on. (see "My friend Sally is a nudist...") *

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. *

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... *

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

The sky already fell. Now what?

So, do you live around here often?

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth...with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk. **

Sometimes I...No, I don't. *

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. *

Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. *

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. **

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour...who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. *

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. *

There aren't enough days in a weekend.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. *

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. **

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. **

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...(picks up his glass of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge...

This is my impression of a bowling ball...(drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it)...gutter...

This isn't all true.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. *

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. **

Today I...No, that wasn't me. *

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." *

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" *

Two wrongs are only the beginning. *

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. *

What are imitation rhinestones?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? *

What's another word for Thesaurus? *

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. *

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?" *

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually. **

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" **

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse. *

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. *

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. *

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." **

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? *

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? *

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. *

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.*

Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing. *

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" **

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? *

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. *

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. *

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. *

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. *

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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