Q: What is the difference between In-laws and Out-laws?

A: Out-laws are wanted.

what do you call cheese that isn't yours?

...nacho cheese

What do you call a cow that has just given birth?

De-calf-inated.

Q.  What's the difference between a conservative woman and a German Shepard?

A. There isn't any. They're both tied to the porch until their owner wants to play with them.

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.

What do you get if a Viagra pill gets caught in your throat? A stiff neck.

Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine?

A. A sweater!

Joe: What has four legs, is green, and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

Max: What?

Joe: A pool table

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

BOB

What do call a man with no arms and no legs on the front doorstep?

MATT

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?

ART

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?

PHIL

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

Russle

What did the hat say to the hat-rack?

You stay here & I'll go on ahead.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A: A nervous wreck!

What do you get when you cross a dyslectic, an agnostic, and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a DOG.

What do you call a turtle who can fly?

A shellicopter.

What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?

Hop in.

What do you do if you get swallowed by an elephant?

Run around til you get pooped out

Q. What do you call it when the Vice President plays the drums?

A. Algorithm.

What do you call a woman missing a leg?

Ileen

What do you call an Asian woman missing a leg?

Ireen

Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with Milk of Magnesia?

A: A Religious movement

Q: What is the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?

A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q:  What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick

Q: What is the difference between cowboy boots and wingtip shoes?

A: The cowboy boots have the BS on the outside.

(The perfect setup for this is to first complement your intended victim, or Governor, on his good looking wingtips)

What goes, "Clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop, BANG!"?

Amish drive-by shootings.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter because he can't come.

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take him for a drag.

What did the fish say when he bumped into a cement wall?

Dam

What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?

Engineers build weapons; Architects build targets.

What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker??   "hop in"

What do you say to a hitchhiker with no legs??   “need a lift?"

What's the difference between kinky and perverted??

Kinky is when you use a feather...perverted is when you use a live chicken!!

What is the difference between a female jogger and a sewing machine?

a sewing machine only has one bobbin.

What goes "oom oom"?

A cow walking backwards

What do you do when your nose goes on strike?

You pick-it.

What does it mean when the weather forcast says there's a 40% chance of rain? It means that 4 of the 10 guys at the weather bureau think it's going to rain and 6 of 'em don't.

What do "Winnie the Pooh" and "Jack the Ripper" have in common?

Their middle name

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you eat?"

What's the loudest pet?

A trum-pet!

What do you get when you have seven rabbits in a row walking backwards?

A receding hare line!

Why isn't it a good idea to go up in the attic after a big meal?

Chances are you won't fine one up there.

What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom?

Gee, you're a fungi.

Q: What does a sadist do to a masochist?

A: Nothing.