WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
ADOLPH HITLER: It is a triumph of the chicken's will. The chicken has grasped the moment to expand its Liebensraum at any cost.
AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
ALBERT CAMUS: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
ARISTOTLE: To actualize its potential.
AUGUSTO PINOCHET: We know nothing about this chicken and it is not in police custody and we are not trying to find out. Give us the name and addresses of any witnesses.
BASHO: Why did the frog leap in?
B.F. SKINNER: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
BOOK OF GENESIS: God said, "Let there be chicken"; and there was chicken. Then God said, "Let there be road"; and there was road. And God commanded, "Let the one be taken to the far side thereof." And it was done. And God looked upon God's work and saw that it was good.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
BUDDHA: On the road there is no chicken, no road, nor perception of the road, nor impulse to cross it, nor consciousness of the road, no feathers, no beak, no clawed feet, no chicken. No road, no chicken, no crossing ... only the great prajnaparamita of the empty form of chicken and the empty form of the road, and that emptiness; gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
CARL JUNG: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
CATHERINE MACKINNON: Because, in this patriarchal state, for the last four centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in determining how chickens should be cared for, their language has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technology and trucks have decided how and where chickens will be distributed, their science has become the basis for what chickens eat, their sense of humor has provided the framework for this joke, their art and film have given us our perception of chicken life, their lust for flesh has made the chicken the most consumed animal in the US, and their legal system has left the chicken with no other recourse.
CHOMSKY: Because it had an innate road-crossing capacity (IRCC).
CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
DARWIN: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
DAVID HUME: Out of custom and habit.
DILBERT: I hate it when the title gives away the plot!
DIOGO SIEBRA BOCHIO: This question reveals a philosophical issue of existence, where the chicken crossing the road is correlated with the three tomatoes crossing the road.
DIRK GENTLY (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
DOUGLAS ADAMS: Forty-two.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
EMILY DICKENSON: Because it could not stop for death.
EPICURUS: For fun.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
EZRA POUND: For an old bitch gone in the teeth, for a botched civilization.
FRANK PERDUE: I breed the finest chicken I know how, and it crosses the road as part of a vigorous fitness program to raise the leanest, plumpest birds anywhere. Besides, I was chasing it with this axe at the time.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
GEORGE ORWELL: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
GINGRICH: Because it was getting out of work.
GRAHAM KERR: What! "Chicken Crossing The Road"...not without a fine white wine and a cup of heavy cream.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
HOWARD COSELL: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
ILYA PROGOGINE: Because the road was in unstable equilibrium.
IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
JACQUES DERRIDA: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place for anyway?"
JFK : Ask not what your chicken can do for the road but what can the road do for your chicken.
JOHANN FRIEDRICH VON GOETHE: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
JOHN LOCKE: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
JOHN MAJOR: The chicken is an economic migrant and must be sent back immediately.
JOHN SUNUNU: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
JOSEPH STALIN: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
JULIA CHILD: (in make believe Julia Child voice) Obviously the chicken tried to cross the road to get away from the likes of meself and my impeccably sharp cleaver!!! Take that, bird!! Wack!
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
LLOYD: Why not?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN (Early): The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN (Late): Because it had reached bedrock, and its spade was turned.
MACHIAVELLI: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
MALCOLM X: It was coming home to roost.
MARK TWAIN: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
M.C. ESCHER: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
MOLLY YARD: It was a hen!
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
MR. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
NIETZSCHE: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
NOAM CHOMSKY: The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact Odonian Press)
O.J: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
OLIVER NORTH: National Security was at stake.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
PATRICIA VALDATA: It was stapled to the baby.
PLATO: For the greater good.
PYRRHO THE SKEPTIC: What road?
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road . It transcended it.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
ROBERT FROST: The chicken took the road less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
SALMAN RUSHDIE: Because all of Islam wanted to kill it.
SALVADOR DALI: A Flaming Giraffe.
SALVADOR DALI: The Fish.
SCHRODINGER: Chicken? Chicken!? Where's my cat?
SIR EDMUND HILLARY: Because it was there.
SPHINX: You tell me.
STEPHEN JAY GOULD: It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
THOMAS DE TORQUEMADA: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
T.S. ELIOT: To lead you to an overwhelming question.
VOLTAIRE: It was the best of all possible roads
WERNER HEISENBERG: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
WILLIAM CLINTON: I forget.
WINNICOTT: "The chicken was exploring potential space."
YUEL GIBBONS: Because that's where the vegetarians live!
ZENO OF ELEA: To prove it could never reach the other side.