WISE QUOTATIONS

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. – Bob Hope

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. – H.L. Mencken

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. – G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. – Wendell Johnson

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
– Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan attorney

Do unto others, then run. – Benny Hill

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. – F. P. Jones

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. – David Letterman

Her kisses left something to be desired – the rest of her

I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers – and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. – Limerick from Ireland

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Douglas Adams

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. – Shirley Temple

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! – Monty Python

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? – Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. – Rod Serling

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. – Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. – Ashleigh Brilliant

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. – Evan Davis

Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! – Tommy Smothers

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. – Mark Twain

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. – Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. – Ernie Kovacs

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. – Robert Frost

The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing. – Gamel Abdel Nasser

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. – Sam Levenson

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. – Jean Giraudoux

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

The word 'politics' is derived from the word poly, meaning 'many', and the word ticks, meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. – Larry Hardiman

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad. – Salvador Dali

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. – Dave Barry

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? – Jean Cocturan

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
– Richard Harkness in the New York Times, 1960

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. – Al Capone