Megan’s Story With having 2 sons who were special needs and to find out that we were expecting again was a bit of a shock. All sorts of emotions ran through my head how would I cope with 3 children, how could I provide for them. I had only been home from the USA a week after visiting family when the line came up positive on the test. Before I went away I had done a test but it showed up negative. Seeing that line, I never knew whether to laugh or cry the boys were only young themselves. First task was to tell hubby as he was at work. I picked up the phone and dialled, I had now mellowed a bit and knew deep down that this baby was wanted. He picked up the phone and I just blurted out that I was expecting again. At first he was in shock but then he was pleased and we began planning for our new arrival. Hubby always wanted a daughter, he loved the boys but deep down wanted a little girl of his own. Everything was going well I had a little bit of morning sickness but nothing to severe, We went for our 12wk scan and suddenly our baby seemed more real. This tiny figure on the screen kicking and looking at us. At this point we never knew the sex as it was to early but we could see this perfect baby. My mood swings were the worst looking back I was a bit unfair to people but at the time I could not see this. Hubby had not been feeling his best and decided to go the hospital were he had to have his appendix removed, I was at home tidying up when I just snapped, I think it was over a bill that was meant to have been paid and he had only paid half. Again looking back it would not have made much diffence today at least he paid some of it but at the time it was like the end of the world. Hormones I think had a lot to do with it. I packed his stuff up and marched into the hospital were he was recovering, here I threw his stuff at him and told him not to come back. Then I went home were it sunk in what I had done. Now I began to feel frightened and alone what had I done? . Here I was with two toddlers and a baby growing inside of me. Hubby came out of the hospital and went to live at his mums I can be very stubborn and was adamant that I would not have him back, In some way I wanted to prove to him and others that I could cope alone with the children. I went to the doctors for my routine checks all was well baby had a healthy heartbeat and I was booked in for my routine scan at 20wks. I decided that it was only fair that hubby came with me for this scan as it was his child too and we also decided to find out the sex of the baby. My mum said that she never wanted to know. We met at the hospital were we went into a tiny room just like before, the lady squeezed the cold jelly like substance over my bump which was getting noticeable now and started to check all was ok. Everything was fine all the tests showed that we had a perfect healthy baby girl. The look on hubbys face I will never forget he had a smile from ear to ear, I don’t think anything stopped us smiling that day .I went to my mums to pick up the boys with a huge grin upon my face, my mum looked at me and guessed that we were having a baby girl. We would have been pleased with any sex but with having 2 boys already and having no girls in either family apart from me it was a dream come true. My mum in law couldn’t believe it either and everyone was really looking forward to the day we would meet her. As we knew we were having a baby girl and that everything was healthy we decided to decorate the nursery and buy a few bits. Our local baby shop was shutting down and they had a huge sale on, we got many little dresses and other bits and pieces for her. I talked to my bump constantly and told her all that was going on. I couldn’t wait to see her in her little dresses that we bought. We also decided on the name Megan Elizabeth we could not decide between Hannah and Elizabeth. Again all was well and a few weeks passed I was going to my midwife every few weeks. I had been feeling uncomfortable big, and in a bit of pain but just put it down to nearly being 30wks pregnant. When I went to my midwife she recommended that I go the hospital as she thought the baby was breech. When we got there the dry felt my bump and said no she wasn’t breech just big. This uncomfortable feeling carried on I was huge by now and again my midwife sent me the drs again all was well they said baby breech even though deep down I knew she wasn’t I took there word. I had a low iron count and had to have a transfusion. While I was in the hospital I was in so much pain that I demanded a scan. Reluctantly they gave me one. I went down for the scan, I was all-alone as I was very naive and thought nothing was up. I went into that tiny room again were the man smeared that cold jelly like substance all over my bump. Just like last time the screen was turned away until the dr had checked all was ok. I was not prepared for what came next. The dr was very quiet and the room had this earthy silence. Deep down I knew something was wrong but I was thinking things like this don’t happen to me. I finally plucked up the courage to ask “is all-well”. The dr turned and looked at me then he turned the screen towards me he then explained that the baby had Fetal Hydrops and that it was severe. This meant that I had too much fluid and so did the baby. I was then cleaned up and got told that another dr would see me at 4pm as she was a senior in this field. I slowly walked back up to the ward with all sorts of thoughts running through my head, how was I going to tell hubby what was I going to do. I walked past the phone and then doubled back and rang my mum. Heres were I broke down alone in the corridor. I went back onto the ward and just sat on my bed thinking. That wait for the next scan seemed forever but it finally came, my mum and hubby had come in to see me. Hubby came down with me. This time we went into a big room with a big TV screen facing us. Again the jelly was put all over my bump and the lady scanned the baby. After all was done she turned to us and told us that our baby only had a 50/50 chance of survival, she suggested that I had some fluid removed by ammio as it might help. As I lay there she drained the fluid off but as quick as it was taken off it replenished. We were then given another date for more scans I would be scanned every week to check on the baby. I went to my mums to stay for a while and to see the boys, as they never understood what was going on. Life just seemed to fly by I never knew what to expect, even though we had been given 50/50 it never sunk in, I thought that I would still have a healthy baby girl at the end. The next week we went for a scan and I got told I would have to stay in the hosp as my waters could go anytime and this was a risk for the baby. It was also discussed that at 35wks I was to have a c section . I stayed in the hospital were I met some very good friends who I am still in touch with today. Emma ‘s waters had gone early and she was in till the birth of her baby, she also did not know if her baby would survive. We talked for hours I was lucky to have met her. We used to go down to the hospital shop together and sit in the garden. Then one night I rolled over and my waters went I went to reach up for the buzzer but it was out of reach, I shouted Emma who was in the next bed and she ran out and got a midwife. I was then taken to delivery were the midwife rang for hubby. I tried to convince myself that I was not in labour but I was having pain now, I felt frightened I was left to labour as the Dr was in theatre operating. Hubby and I decided on no pain relief, as the baby would be struggling enough. Early next morning I had dilated 6 cm and was taken to theatre. I do not remember much after this, as I was asleep. I remember waking up and being told that she was a fighter. The next day is a blur. After that I was woken up at 5am by the Dr, I suddenly got this sickly feeling, this lump formed in my throat as I knew what was coming. She explained that Megan had gotten worse and that they did not think she would survive. I shouted for them to get my family and that I wanted her christened as it was only right we all got to say goodbye. My dad was in Blackpool and was on his way back, Hubby, my mum and my brother came to NICU were we she was christened Megan Elizabeth Hannah. It was then when we had to make that choice and give permission to turn the ventilator off. We held her in our arms and talked to her, I told her to go up and see great granddad and not to be in anymore pain. She passed away 56 minutes later in daddy’s arms. She was washed and dressed and my dad came to say goodbye, she was perfect . The next week I went home were I had to arrange the funeral for her, Emma went on to have a little girl Imogen who was on a ventilator to start with but came off it quickly and today is happy healthy 2 year old. The funeral was 3wks later; it was just a little service with no songs as people were too upset to sing. Months passed and life went on everyday, I hid and people thought I was ok but deep down I was hurting I had lost my little girl. Mothers day is when it hit me I realised what had happened and broke down surrounded by her things. Now 2 years have passed another baby was the last thing on my mind but 2 month’s back I gave birth to Thomas. We will tell him about his baby sister when he's older, the other boys know about her and talk about her all the time. I would like to thank all the Drs at the LWH and the staff on Mat 1, they were great, also a special thanks to Davinda our consultant. ? ? ? ?