With having 2 pregnancies already and having 2 lovely boys to find out I was expecting again was a shock. I had only been home from the USA a week and the test said positive. I didn't know weather to laugh or cry I went to my mums thinking how will I cope with 2 boys who have special needs as the boys where only young. I sat on my mum’s chair and cried I didn't know why I think it was hormones. Then I told my mum, who was very supportive. The next task was to tell my hubby at first he was in shock but then he mellowed and was looking forward to the new arrival.

Everything was going well apart from my mood swings until one day I snapped not knowing why. Gary was in hospital ill when I just walked in with his bags and threw him out. He was recovering from an operation and I left him. So here I was alone with the boys and this baby growing inside me. I began to feel frightened. Hubby and I decided he we will still be friends just live apart until things cool down.

I went for my 12wk scan the next week everything was well baby was healthy just as the boys had been. The next few weeks went by fast, as I was caring for the boys. Next minute I knew I was 20wks. Hubby came with me for my scan again no probs a perfect girl. I couldn't believe it a daughter, I was so happy I couldn’t wait to hold her and care for her.

With knowing we were having a daughter we decided to paint the nursery and get some clothes and things. We painted it lemon and we got lots of little dresses I was so looking forward to the birth.

The next day I was sick and I had to go into hosp on a drip, as I was dehydrated. They also said my iron count was low and put me on iron tablets. It all went down hill from here. I was let out a week later but my bump was getting really big and I was getting pain from it. I felt like I was going to burst. I went to the hospital; but they said nothing was wrong and they thought the baby was breech. Again I went home but I couldn't do anything I was on painkillers every 3 hrs and still I had pain. On the Friday I had another iron test and got told I would have to go in again to have a transfusion. I went in on the Tues. while I was in I demanded a scan. At 2pm I went down to be scanned. I was alone, as I didn't expect anything to be wrong. As I lay there the room went quiet and I knew there was something wrong but the radiographer couldn't tell me. I got told to go back to the ward and a Dr would come.

That 5 min wait seemed forever but at last the Dr came. When she came she told me my baby was waterlogged and that she was to do another scan at 4. Then she explained the baby had foetal hydrops and that it was severe. I didn't know what to think I would feel my daughter kicking and yet she was so ill. I went downstairs and rang my mum. This I when I broke down when I was alone in the corridor. My mum and hubby came straight away and hubby came down for my next scan, this one was a more detailed one.

As I lay down there were monitors everywhere, each way I looked my baby looked back. Here the doctor assed the situation it didn't look good. The baby had Hydro cephilis (too much fluid) I had some of the fluid removed by having a amniocentesis. Nothing seemed to work and as I lay there the fluid replenished. At this point I got told there was a 50/50 chance for survival.

I also got told I was to have a section when I was 34wks and now I had to stay in until the birth as I was a high risk. I stayed in the hosp and met some good friends who I'm still friends with today. At 34wks the doctor did another scan but they said her lungs were to weak to deliver and that they where going to wait until 36wks. At this time I felt frightened, as I knew I wouldn't last till 36wks. I was huge and in so much pain I cried most of the time.

On 22.6.2000 at 12.45am I rolled over in bed and my waters went. They went everywhere as I had so much all over the floor. The midwives rushed me to delivery, at this point I was terrified I was trying to convince my self I'm not in labour but I was getting some pain now. I was in labour now but the Dr wasn’t there she was delivering someone else so I was left to labour. I got asked about pain relief but hubby and I decided against it as she was already going to be fighting and drugs can make the baby tired. Eventually at about 6am I was wheeled to theatre. I don't remember much after that as I had a general anaesthetic. I remember being told I have a daughter and that she was a fighter. I went back to sleep praying for her to live.

The next day at 5am a doctor came that I knew it wasn't good. I told him to contact both families it was only fair we all said goodbye to her. I got wheeled in my bed, as I still wasn't well, I caught an infection and had a high temp. At Special care I held her in my arms this was the 1st time I had seen her. She was lovely. Then she got christened with the family now arrived. Then the Dr switched off all the machines he said she would pass away in about 3 mins. I had to hand her to her dad, as I couldn't hold her. She was 7lb 6 and was heavy on my stomach. 50mins later she was still with us but she was fading. I felt so helpless all I could do was watch. Watch her slip away. At 7.46 she gave up her fight and passed away in daddies arms. I was taken to a room where she was bathed and all the family had their photo taken with her. By this time I felt like I was watching some one else's life not living it. It felt so unreal. The next week passed so quickly and the week after was the funeral. It was just a small service no hymns as everybody would have been too upset to sing. There where a few poems read but nothing else as she never got to know anyone. Later on she was buried with only a handful of people there.

I went to counselling at the Alder Centre AHCH which helped, on the outside I was a bubbly happy person on the inside I was hurting. I had lost my daughter and no one knew what it was like.
The death of my daughter never really hit me till last mothers day when I don't think the tears stopped. I sat in the middle of the bedroom floor with her teddy and all the clothes we bought and cried all day. Hubby was at work he doesn't talk about it, he says it upsets him too much.

Everyday I think about her what she would be doing and the boys help by keeping me busy but she will always be part of our lives. She has touched me like no one ever has before and made me a stronger person.I am so lucky to have had her for what time I did.
I would also like to thank The Liverpool Womans Hospital for all thier help,The midwives on Mat 1 were great.Thanks

WROTE BY Megans Mum
MEGANS STORY
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