Army Boy
Everybody has them! You know what I'm talking about. Those certain friends who can't shut up about how great the armed forces are. If you don't have one of these friends then I'm sure you've met someone who is just way too patriotic for their own good. They're definately annoying as piss and to make their presence even harder to tolerate they usually think their military experience put them above the civilian crowd. PISS PORE!!!
The people that bring you Hub-Bub every month are no different. During the summer of 2000, we all had to deal with the U.S. Army's newest little Calvery member. This kid, we'll say his name is Gordan, was constantly telling us little facts, stories, and benefits that the Army had bestowed on him. He constantly attacked us for hating politicians, being punk, being anarchists, and for having an American flag hanging upside down with a big anarchy logo painted on it. He would endlessly lecture us about how the military could make us better people. BULL SHIT!!! This is coming from a kid who had joined a specific branch of the Army because he would get to wear cowboy boots and a stupid looking hat with his uniform. This was coming from a kid that enjoyed reminding us that if a war ever broke out and a draft should occur, we would be drafted before people like him (the sons of lawyers, doctors, and politicians etc....) Because we are of lower class and of lower value to society. Oh...yeah...did I mention that his ultimate dream was to go to war and die for his country. This kid is Anti-flags worst nightmare!
After his summer of booze, being kicked out of my apartment on numerous occasions, fondling female crowd surfers at Dave Mathews band concerts, He was finally gone. At least until Christmas.
After hearing three different people account of this story and getting more pissed off everytime I think about it, I have to get this off my chest. I'm pleading to you, the readers of Hub-Bub please read this! I can't keep this bottled up much longer!
Chris, a friend of Hub-Bub, has a studio apartment that occasionally is visited by the staff of Hub-Bub. One cold December night, Hub-Bub editor, Dannyaction, Chucklz, Big Nate, Peck the Advice Guy, and Jeff were all hanging out along with Chris and Gordan. Dannyaction was thumbing on a guitar on the couch while Jeff was showing Chris how to play a NOFX riff on another guitar. Gordan was sitting beside Chris and Peck and Nate were off in the distance.
Chris was really starting to pick up on the NOFX song when he said to Jeff "Do you think you could get the cd and let me hear it?" Gordan quickly threw his head to Chris' ear and said " No trust me, you don't want to ear it on a cd. These guys suck and sound alot better on a acoustic guitar than on cd." Big Nate then told Gordan to let Chris hear it and decide for himself. This set Gordan off! He immediately started slamming punks, saying that over half of them are posers anyway.
Okay, first of all, this kid is the Abercrombie and Fitch pin-up boy. He doesn't know shit about punk rock and is the last person that should be making any assessments about anything that has to do with punk.
He continued on for a few minutes when Big Nate tried to add some input of his own. Gordan quickly shut him up by saying "Shut up Nate, just shut up! You haven't been anywhere. I'm a first class private in the United States Army. I've been places and experienced things!" Then Gordan said to Nate mockingly "You've been to one Warped Tour in Cleveland...oohhh! You just think you are punk!"
Gordan then jumped to the subject of guys with piercings. He complained about them being white-trash and freaks. Peck interrupted by saying "What about you? I've noticed you've got an earring." "This earring goes with my outfit." replied Gordan. "This gets me ass. This gets me quality ass, not those white-trash girls that get pounded by three guys in a trailer...no offense to Jeff." (refer to the story "People that Care About Me" in issue #2 of Hub-Bub)
By this time, Chucklz had already stormed out, pissed. Danny, Jeff, and Chris all went back to playing Guitar. So Gordans only audience was Big Nate and Peck. Neither of which gave two shits about what he was saying. Anyway after ranting for about a half hour about how punks are posers, people with piercing are freaks, and how the Army has shown him the world (even though he's only been in 2 months) He turned to Peck and said "You know what I'm saying right?" and Peck said "I didn't understand a fucking word you just said." This if fucking great on so many levels. The best part of it is that while Gordan was ranting everyone ignored him but Peck and he didn't even care what he had to say.
Gordan finally shut up and in a drunken haze stumbles towards the door. On his way out Danny asks "Are you driving?" then Gordan sticks his head back in the door and arrogantly laughs right before he said "Yes I'm driving, you don't have to worry about me." This is exactly what Danny and the rest of the guys did. Gordan was shitty drunk and after calling us posers and bitching at us for everything we do, they still tried to be nice and tell him not to drive but he laughed at them. What an asshole! I hoped he would get pulled over and get a D.U.I. and maybe learn a lesson of his own, but no suck luck.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the kid, I mean he is our friend and all. I just don't know where his shit comes from sometimes. Has Uncle Sam really brainwashed him this much? If being a good American citizen is being like Gordan, then you can count me out! Every branch of the military can kiss my ass!
- Mr. Bumpkin