Chaos of the Soul

©2000 Renee Handley

Genre: Adventure/Action/Romance

Sex Content: PG

Violence Content: PG

Language Content: some swear words

Chapter 1 Memories

“Logan, come in, come in.” Professor Xavier smiled and waved the uneasy mutant into his office. “So, I see you’ve made it back safely from your long sojourn, any luck?”

“ No, I didn't’t find out anything, at least nothin’ I didn’t already know” Logan couldn't’t hide the disappointment in his voice. These people, these “X-Men” they genuinely seemed to care for him. Every time they got the chance they were digging into his past to help him - help him retrieve what was stolen from him all those years ago – his past, his memory, his life.

Professor Xavier looked genuinely disappointed, but alas, not surprised. “ I’m so sorry, Logan, so sorry.” He waved Logan in further and urged him to take a seat. “ Logan, I have another option for you, and I’m fairly certain you will receive some results.”

Inside, Logan's’ heart jumped to his throat, on the exterior however, he stayed calm except for gripping the armrest of the chair. However, tough he was on the outside, he had to admit his time with the X-Men and their unwavering efforts had given him hope that eventually he would find his life.

“ Whyn’t you say anything before if this is such a sure thing?” Logan asked a little more than annoyed.

“ Because,” Professor Xavier paused and looked away, then looked straight into Logan’s eyes, “because we needed to know that you trust us and more importantly, I need to know that I can trust you.” His register of voice was the most urgent that Logan had ever experienced from the scholar – and he didn't’t fail to notice how personal the Professor had made the last part of the statement. Logan nodded and assured the Professor that he did indeed trust them even if he did still feel like kicking the crap out of ol’ One-Eye 24/7.

Professor Xavier began to explain his theory, “Logan, there are a few Mutants and I must emphasize a very few mutants who have telepathic powers so strong they can see into a person’s past with extreme clarity and detail.”

“ Well, like you for instance.” Logan agreed.

“ No, I cannot see past the point of the experimentation on you.” As he gestured to Logan’s hands.” These mutants can see beyond any barriers, but not without risk to themselves. They not only see these memories they are in essence with you as you lived them. This is a huge psychological burden, it can be overwhelming.”

“What are we waiting for, call one of ‘em up,” Logan was getting excited clearly. The answers, he could truly have the answers.

“ Logan, I really want you to understand all this entails. I have to be as negative as possible when describing this to you because of the risk involved. This person will enter your mind on a level I cannot even imagine doing. There is risk to you, great risk, but the risk to this mutant is even greater.”

A couple of years ago, Logan wouldn't’t have hesitated. He would have said, “Big Deal, no skin off of me, as long as I get the goods.” But living here, with these generous people he’d learned much about human nature and indeed of himself. “I don’t know if I could ask this of someone.”

“You don’t have to ask,” Professor Xavier paused,”someone has volunteered.

“Who is it?” Logan looked confused, he couldn’t remember meeting anyone with this particular gift.

“Names are of no consequence, this person would rather remain anonymous for many reasons, the most important being privacy. This is where I must know that I can trust you.” He emphasized the word I so strongly it almost took Logan aback. “ If you agree to this, you must not question in any way the methods in which we are to proceed.” Professor Xavier gave him a grave look.

Logan thought long and hard about this. “Do I have to give you my answer now? Can I think a little bit on it?” he surprised himself because he wasn’t jumping on him to do it yesterday.

“Of course, Logan. I must tell you, this person is familiar with your case and with all the disappointments and false leads we’ve gone through and truly feels the necessity to help you. I want you to have you answers, Logan, but I want you to be so aware of the risk.” With this, Logan thanked the Professor and left his office.

Logan found himself wandering the grounds thinking. It was everything he’d wanted right here for the asking, but not without risk. If he were to become a slobbering vegetable, big deal. But his compassion for others, the feelings he’d always thought didn’t exist for him, was making this a tough choice. He walked the grounds some more and saw some students playing roller hockey on the basketball court, laughing and goofing off. He’d always wondered about his childhood, what had it been like. Had he a normal upbringing, had he any friends, had he been happy? Logan felt a tear on his cheek and realized he’d made the decision.

“Professor Xavier,” Logan burst into the sage’s office and blurted out,” you can trust me.”

“I know, Logan, I know” the Professor said without surprise but not without a little regret.

Chapter 2 Trust

Once Logan agreed to the procedure, he didn’t have much time to prepare. That very next morning he went down to the labs in the sub basement and met with Jean and Professor Xavier.

“ Hey Beautiful” he said to Jean, “ What are you planning on doing with those?” He saw a gurney that had straps attached to it, “ You and me gonna have some fun?” his eyebrow shot up in such a devilish manner the good Dr. couldn’t suppress a giggle. Logan had finally come to terms with her love for Scott and realized that his feelings were more of gratitude than anything else. But he still liked to tease with her, especially when ol’ One-Eye was around – it really pissed him off and that made Logan intensely happy.

“ Logan, we are going to sedate you for your safety and the safety of,” the Professor shot a look at Jean which made her stop with a jolt and then continue, “ well, for safety. The straps are obvious. If you are under and experience some memory that is traumatic, well, we all know what might happen,” she stated matter-of-factly. Logan’s memory of harming Rogue was still so raw an experience to him it was as fresh as if it had happened yesterday and not two years ago.

“ OK, so am I gonna get all my memories right now?” he asked, somewhat excitedly.

“ No, you may experience some of it, essentially your memories will be extracted from your psyche into our conduit, (the professor had explained that Mutants such as the one who was helping were called conduits) and then the memories will be made available to you upon your recovery.” Jean said while hooking up monitors to Logan’s chest.

“Made available? You make it sound like I’m gonna rent a fucking movie” Logan growled.

“Logan!” Professor Xavier raised his voice sharply. “Remember the condition, Trust. Believe me this is the way to do this. We don’t know how you would handle the raw memory. The conduit will take on the raw data and then be able to give it to you in a format you can handle.”

Logan had never seen the Professor so close to anger – what was it about this procedure that they weren’t telling him? But he had sworn to trust and be trusted and he was above all a man of honor.

“What the hell are these things for?” he flipped the cords suctioned on his chest.

“ We need to monitor your heart rate, breathing, etc. to make sure you aren’t overly stimulated,” said Jean putting the last monitor on.

“ I’ll tell you what you need to do to stimulate me,” he grinned and winked. Jean laughed and the Professor even cracked a smile. He knew he could trust Logan he was sure of it.

Jean administered the anesthesia and soon Logan was losing his focus on the lovely doctor. After a few more minutes, Jean pronounced him to be completely unconscious. Professor Xavier Opened the door to the lab and a young woman entered the room.

“ Are you absolutely sure, you want to do this, “ Professor Xavier almost pleaded with her.

“ Don’t you realize, I must.” Her hazel eyes looked down his and she put his hand on his shoulder with a soft squeeze.

“ I know, you have to, you’ve always known.” He said as he gently placed his hand on hers.

The young woman walked over to the gurney where this enormous man lay completely vulnerable before her. She paused, “ he can handle it, “ she said softly looking onto his face. I thought he could after all you have told me,” she turned and looked at the Professor, “ but now that I am close to him and can sense him, I am certain that he can handle it.” She gave a small smile.

“ I know my dear, but can you?” the Professor looked grave and quite concerned.

“ You worry too much, “ with that she kissed the older man on his head and smiled warmly.”Let’s begin.” She instructed Jean and Professor Xavier to go into the adjacent observation room. They knew she liked to be alone in order to concentrate. As they entered the next room to observe she asked them to dim the lights, it would be easier to focus. Jean turned the lights dimmer and had to reassure Professor Xavier that she would be all right, she knew what she was doing. He smiled, but was so concerned for both people in the room.

The young woman again walked up to the table and walked around it observing the fine figure of this man whom she would soon invade. This was never easy for her, she felt like such a voyeur with this gift. She could know things about people they never were to tell a soul, things in this case they didn’t know themselves. It was her cross to bear, her hell in some ways.

She walked to the head of the table and sat on the stool that had been placed there. She looked down at this man’s face lying there. Even unconscious she could see such tension, such pain. She took off the forearm length kid gloves she wore for privacy and laid them gently on the table behind her. She closed her eyes and breathed methodically to calm herself. When she was ready she place both hands on either side of Logan’s face and gently touched his temples.

It began.

Chapter 3 Disappointment & Truth

When Logan awoke, he felt the most refreshed he ‘d been in, well forever. He was still in the Lab and Jean was there.

“Hi Sleepy.” She smiled to him. “How are you feeling?” she asked beginning to check all his vital signs, seemingly happy with the results.

“Surprisingly good. Did it work?” he began to get up and then felt very woozy.

“ Hey take it easy, you’ve been out a long time.” She said, helping him sit up.

“ How long? “ he asked, quite concerned.

“ Two days,” Jean said and then explained that because of his special abilities they really weren’t sure how much anesthesia to administer to him. Before, he’d always woken up during procedures so they had to estimate and well, they basically had to give him the equivalent that it would take to sedate an elephant.

She helped him up and Gambit came in to help him back up to his room.” Hey, Buddy, you need to lose weight, I can tell you I not be doing this again any time soon, Mon Dieu!” Gambit kidded as he helped steady his friends’ balance. Halfway back up, Logan already felt much better. He felt lighter in a way and was impatient to receive what was his. When would Professor Xavier get with him, what would he find out?

Rogue brought a tray of food to him. He said he wasn’t hungry but wolfed down the entire plate in just a few gulps without even knowing what he was eating. He felt almost his full self after that, and now just wanted to meet with the Professor.

“Logan,” Rogue said shyly, “ What will you do when you have your memory,” she bit her lip self-consciously, “Are you gonna leave?” In the two years they had known each other he had become so important to her – all of them had, but Logan, well Logan was a part of her and it would kill her to lose him.

Logan looked at the young woman and smiled. Sometimes she as so self assured, so full of bravado, and then at times like this he saw that unsure, frightened little girl he first met.

“ Marie, I may go somewhere to find out who I was and who I am but I’ll always be here” He place his hand on her heart, “ and you’ll always be here and he placed her slender gloved hand on his heart.” With that she threw her arms around her with the exuberance of a child and felt better.

Logan looked at the thick document that Professor Xavier had handed him, “What kind of Bull Shit is this,” he snorted disgusted. He’d been expecting something different, he didn’t know what, but not a God Damn book to read. He looked around the office to see if that other Mutant, the Conduit was hiding somewhere.

“ Logan, I told you, you had to trust me,…… us.” said Professor Xavier, “ Your best chance to fully understand all the information is in this format,” Professor Xavier hoped that Logan didn’t hear the uncertainty in his voice. There was another way, but he couldn’t risk it. He wouldn’t allow it, dammit. He softened his voice,”Logan, I understand, you were expecting something different, perhaps a flash of intuition, a Sign from God perhaps. Go…… read….. let it sink in, come back and we’ll talk.”

“ Have you…….” Logan waved at the mass of paper in front of him, angry but calmer.

“No, that is your life, I respect your privacy. If you want me to I will, but that is completely your call.” With that, Logan got up and left the room. He took this unabridged version of “War & Peace” and went out to the grounds. He found his bench under the willow tree he’d taken to coming to and thinking. He had felt, since he first came here that this was the calmest place on the compound. When he’d felt confused or frustrated he’d find himself here and then he felt composure, a peace of sorts.

He began to read the dry information. His childhood, his familial background, small inconsequential details that to others meant nothing, to him……..Everything. He soon found himself straining to read, not realizing that the sun was setting. He’d been out here for hours and still hadn’t even gotten a third of the way through this manuscript.

Suddenly, in the deep recesses of his mind a voice,” Logan, come to the den on the 3rd floor.”

He looked around and saw no one. Again, “ Logan, please, I want to help you,” It was a benign voice, sexless, ageless, non-threatening. “ I can help, please.” It was a mild pleading, which intrigued him.

Logan made his way to the den. It was a large room full of books and antiquities from around the world. He’d not been in here much, but knew that sometimes people used it to study in. A very quiet remote room. He searched the length and breadth of the room but found know one there.

“Ahhhh, someone’s fucking with my mind.” Getting angry he was getting ready to leave when a fire started roaring in the fireplace where none had been before. “What the…….” He whirled around to look at the roaring fire that was warming the chilly room. The lights suddenly dimmed and as he looked around he saw a figure cloaked in black on the opposite side of the room, where previously there had been no one.

Immediately he unsheathed, feeling threatened. On pure instinct and not thought he ran towards the figure offensively. No thoughts except self-preservation. The figure’s hand shot out from under the cloak as if to stay “Stop!” Logan immediately was stopped dead in his tracks. Some unseen force was holding him; it was stronger than anything he’d ever felt.

“Who the fuck are you?” He growled.

“Wisp.” He heard the benign voice again in his head – not coming physically from the figure in front of him. He felt the shield removed from him as the other Mutants hand lowered.

“How do you know I ain’t gonna cut you to shreds!?!?!” he snarled but a little unsure of himself.

“Because” came the voice and and pointed to his hands. Without even realizing it he had resheathed his claws, ”you know why I’m here.” The figure seemed to glide into the room a bit closer to Wolverine. “ You feel cheated, you were promised something in exchange for your trust and you don’t feel like that part of the bargain has been lived up to.” The Mutant, Wisp, waved in the direction of the Manuscript that Logan had placed on a side table when he’d entered the room.

“What do you want from me? I played the game.” He was so angry; he didn’t realize how raw his emotions were. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting but he felt so let down, even more so than before.

“I want to help you. Don’t blame Professor Xavier, he is only trying to protect you and….” Wisp trailed off leaving the sentence open with a pause. “He doesn’t know how truly strong you are in there,” Wisp pointed to Logan’s head, “and in there.” Pointing to his heart. ”He is afraid of your reaction to raw imagery. But, I’ve seen inside, you can handle it.”

Logan, while a bit calmer, was infinitely more confused. “What, you gonna tell me some stories of my life,” he spat bitterly.

“No, I’m going to give you your life if you want it.” Wisp waited patiently for this to sink in to this hulk of a man standing across the room.

“What do I gotta do?” he said almost flippantly, trying to hide his excitement and nervousness. Why was he trusting this mutant, why should he at all ---- why shouldn’t he? He sensed nothing at all that made him feel uneasy. He truly felt that this was the truth he was hearing.

Wisp pointed to two chairs placed close to each other on the other, dimmer part of the room, away from the glow of the fire but not the warmth. The voice in his head instructed him to sit down.

“You gonna take that thing off or what?” he gestured to the long flowing black cape and the generous cowl that hid Wisp’s features entirely.

“I am inconsequential, you do not need me, you need answers and that I can help you find. I do need to warn you, if you do get the answers you are looking for, it could lead to more pain.”

All of a sudden, Wolverines face softened, “Look, I just need to know where I came from – regardless. Not knowing, “he paused, “is hell in itself.”

Wisp was silent, actually shaken a bit by this emotional sincerity from him – this indicated trust. Wisp recomposed, and followed him over to the two chairs where he took a seat.

“Are you absolutely sure this is what you want” the voice came in his mind.

Logan nodded.

Wisp sat in front of him and reached towards him. He immediately flinched and pulled back. “I am sorry,” apologized the voice, “but, I must touch you. You will stay perfectly alert during this but, it may get extremely intense. Can you control those… blades?”

He nodded again.

Wisp took his hands and placed them on either side of her face still completely hidden from his view, due to the cut of the cowl and the dimness of the room. He felt the soft smooth hollows of her cheeks and was surprised to realize that this was a woman. He hadn’t realized that sub-consciously he’d assumed this Mutant was a man. The skin was soft, but that was all he felt – nothing else. Then he noticed that she was removing the gloves from her slender hands – gloves very similar to those that young Rogue sported. He immediately felt apprehension remembering his brushes with the young Mutants’ power.

“It’s not like that, “Wisp’s voice said gently. ”the only pain you might experience will be from your heart and your head – not from me.” She tried to assure him. “Are you ready?” He shook his head yes. He was so close to this woman, he could feel the warmth of her breath and could feel her breathing become slower and more measured. She took her hands and placed them on his cheeks.

It began again.

Chapter 4 Raw

Whhooooosh……….Logan felt he was falling through a long tunnel of light, and sound and images. He saw them all and knew all; just the intensity surprised him. He caught glimpses of memories of the life he knows, people in his life (Silver Fox, Sabertooth, the X-men, ) Places he could remember Canada, Japan, the school.

The fall began to slow and sort itself out. He began to see the images he’d started reading about in the manuscript in the context of his life. He saw his birth all those years ago in a cabin to a French Fur Trapper and his wife, the subsequent death of his mother soon after, his fathers grief, his fathers love, his childhood – happiness.

He saw occupations fur trapping and trading, Native American friends, coexistence in Nature; He saw joy in his life, love and friendship, a wife once and a child. Their deaths, his pain and loss.

He saw battles he had fought & valor performed by himself and others. Just and unjust causes. He saw unspeakable atrocities he witnessed committed against honorable men.

He saw himself as a student of Philosophy, of combat, of life. Japan, The Mid-East, the sub-continent, Hinduism, Buddhism, Love, friendships, deaths, sorrow, life.

He saw his work for the military – the betrayal, the experimentation on his body, how it almost broke him – so much more so than he’d ever realized. His spirit had almost been lost. He saw the measured placement of false memories of a life that hadn’t been his – of unspeakable things he’d thought he’d done and had carried guilt. He knew now he was blameless.

The images became more familiar, his pain of the last 17 years, roaming from place to place. No attachment to anyone or anything for fear of loathing – from self and others, fear of abandonment, confusion, anger, frustration, incredible pain, no joy.

His meeting with Rogue that changed his life forever, the pain lessened. The emptiness mattered less but was still there. The school, his compatriots, happiness in a measured way.

Intertwined with all the memories there was always a shadow. Almost a glimpse he could never see, a presence observing. The more information he retrieved from himself through this woman the more aware he was of this shadow – what did it mean, was it a person, was there something he couldn’t see? Images began to get disjointed, speeding up.

He saw Jean, Storm, Cyclops, the school – they were younger, they were teenagers befriending a young girl in a wheel chair – she seemed catatonic. Who was she? When was this? Why did he see this?

He saw a much younger Professor Xavier laughing with a small red-headed child……He felt intense pain and confusion……. Blinding Light, incredible pain. Nothing.

He was staring at the hooded woman in front of him. She had torn her hands from his face and had stopped the flow of imagery. Her face was still hidden but it was undeniable that her eyes were glowing a golden color that was slowly beginning to fade. Logan was still holding onto her face and was so close he could almost see her features, almost. One tendril of hair had fallen out from her hood, wavy reddish gold. She gently pulled away her face without touching him again. “ I…I’m sorry.” She said. He realized she was actually speaking to him. It was a soft feminine voice with a small lilt to it – was that Irish?

Wolverine regained his composure, “What was all of that? Was that all real?”

“Yes…. Yes it was…it is. It is the raw memory of your life.” She paused and said quietly, ”I told you it could be painful.”

“No, no, I mean yes it was and well is,” Logan said almost excitedly, ”bit they are my memories,” he pulled himself up with realization, “I own them.” That was said with measures of satisfaction. “It ain’t pretty, but it was, is my life.” He paused and narrowed his eyes a bit, “ I got some questions though.” She nodded.” I kept sensing a shadow in the background, I couldn’t see it, but the feeling of it got more and more intense.”

Wisp had stood up and walked towards the fire, she paused and looked down at the floor. “ That was me, I’m sorry but when I see someone’s past, I’m there. I try to be as inconspicuous as possible & most people don’t even know, but the longer I’m in here,” she tapped her head with a gloved finger, ”the more likely you are to be aware of me.”

“How long – what time is it? “Wolverine looked around a the antique grandfather clock regally standing in the corner – 3 hours had passed. ”Damn” he was amazed – it had seemed like a minute ago that they had started.

“Another thing, some of the memories, “ he paused,” well, towards the end, those memories of Professor Xavier, Jean, Cyclops…….what was that?” he was utterly confused. “I didn’t know them as students – why would I remember that? How could I?”

Wisp had walked towards the door, “I don’t know, perhaps you were remembering things they told you at some point, “ she said this almost flippantly.

Logan’ s confusion was not abated,” But the girl in the wheelchair. Professor Xavier and the child.”

Wisps voice came strongly in his mind,” I said I don’t know! “ she cut him off sharply. He was surprised at the brusqueness with which she said this – her demeanor had changed dramatically.

She walked to the door, paused and turned, ”Logan,” her voice was very soft and lyrical,” I hope you can be satisfied with your memories – you cannot change them now they are yours. You must live with this knowledge.” She walked to the massive door of the study, and the next instant, she was gone. She had literally vanished.

“Whoa, I didn’t know she could do that.” Logan seemed impressed. He had so much to think about, his life, his memories, the confusion at the end. He’d not asked her about the pain and confusion, he’d assumed it was part of the process.

Professor Xavier had wanted Logan to read the book and understand his life that way. But this woman had given him a gift, he now knew his life, he’d lived it, not been told about it. Most of his life, or at least what he had thought was his life, he’d assumed had been bitter and painful. But now, he knew undeniably, there had been happiness.

Chapter 5 Despair

Wisp hurried out of the building onto the grounds. Her breathing was labored. That took more out of her than she’d imagined. She did not know how she lost control at the end. Ever since she’d learned how to use her powers in the proper way, she had never lost control. She found herself struggling to concentrate. Why had those memories, those last ones, leaked into Logan?

She was so intent on protecting Logan’s Psyche that she had let her barriers down. Towards the end she’d felt the intense pain and confusion and struggled to save Logan. He didn’t know this but it had cost her dearly. She made it to the willow tree and the bench, the one that had been planted the day she was born 30 years earlier, and realized that something terrible was happening. She felt her grip on reality slipping along with her consciousness. Her confusion was growing; there was intense pain – an intrusion. He was there – “I must protect them, ” Willow sobbed aloud. She tried to concentrate on them, but the last thing she could wrap her mind around were the intense eyes of the man known as Wolverine. Willow fell to the ground in a heap.

Logan went outside almost lighthearted. He didn’t know how to think; He didn’t know where to start. He felt he’d been given another chance. Maybe he would go to these places he now could remember and revisit them. Now, he could relive it through himself, not through the words of others.

How could he ever thank Professor Xavier? He stopped. He just realized what had happened. The professor had been so emphatic about trust, and his rules, he would know that Logan had met with the conduit. Well, it was at her instigation, why should he feel any hesitation? Professor Xavier said that she had wanted to remain anonymous, so since she contacted him there shouldn’t be a problem, right? Logan still felt uneasy. That last bit which he couldn’t explain and Wisp wouldn’t explain still was bothering him.

He needed to take it all in, he started walking the grounds. It was a clear crisp evening. There were no clouds in the sky and the stars lit the sky brilliantly. As he started approaching the willow tree he suddenly became acutely aware of something amiss. He stopped and sniffed the air. Someone was here – the smell, so intimately familiar, like rain in a meadow. He paused, confused, Wisp! He saw her on the ground past the tree. He knew before he got to her that it was bad. Logan ran up and kneeled by the woman on the ground. She was barely breathing and blood was trickling from her nose and ears. He picked her lifeless body up like a ragdoll. Her cowl fell back as he picked her up and a mass of red/gold curls tumbled out. Logan ran as quickly and safely as he could towards the main house. As he got closer he saw Jean and Scott out walking.

“Jean! “ he screamed almost feverish, ”Scott, help me!”

For a split second Scott was annoyed until he realized that Logan was truly terrified. He and Jean ran to him and the bundle he was carrying.

Scott got there first and gasped. Logan looked up at him with pleading eyes, not knowing what to do. He saw horror in Scott’s face as Jean ran up also.

“Oh my god!” she whispered. Then she looked at Logan with accusing eyes. ”It’s Willow!!! What have you done to her?????”

The next two days were the most soul wrenching of Logan’s life. The Mutant known as Wisp was in a coma. Somehow, something in her had been damaged. Jean and Professor Xavier weren’t sure if it was something that could heal.

Logan had been shut out of all discussions of the young woman. Everyone seemed to blame him – he wondered if they were right. Did he do something to her while she was in his mind? His guilt was growing at an unbearable rate.

The grounds of the school seemed peculiar. Logan started to notice tension between students, even witnessing a few fights that he had to help break up before the untrained charges hurt each other with their as-yet unharnessed powers. Logan wondered if any of this was connected. Maybe because Professor Xavier, Jean, Scott, hell everyone was so angry, that the students were picking up on this. He just didn’t know – and them cutting him out just made him more confused. Who was this woman? What had he done to her?

Finally, after two days of the silent treatment, he was called to Professor Xavier’s office. “Great, “ muttered to himself as he made his way down the corridor, “ maybe they’ll tell me what the hell is going on.”

“ Wolverine,” Professor said coldly as the lanky mutant entered his office, “ it would be best if you leave.” Logan looked confused. The professor never referred to him by that moniker – he was angry, Logan could see. This anger was more frightening than anything he’d ever seen.

“I… I don’t understand….” Logan looked so lost. He looked over to Jean for help – but the look of disgust on her face was horrifying. The tension in this room, no, make that the hatred in this room was palpable. Logan felt as if he couldn’t hardly even breath from the animosity.

“You lied, to me when you said I could trust you,” the Professor spat these words out, ”You deliberately went behind my back and now there is young woman who may never be able to …. She is damaged – maybe beyond saving.” The professor looked at Logan with such hatred, “You are to leave here and never come back. We want nothing to do with you. You disgust me!”

Logan stood there slack jawed for a second – he felt as if someone had ripped out his soul. These people, this place, it was, well…… it was his home. These people were his family – if he could just find out what happened. “Professor, please what…..” he was cut off. Scott had entered the room, “Get out of here,” he growled. While he and Scott had never been exactly drinking buddies, there had been an unspoken respect between the two testosterone-laden men. It was gone – it had been replaced with pure revulsion.

Logan left the room before anything physical ensued; afraid for them, afraid for himself.

Logan - Wolverine had never felt so alone or confused in his life. He’d not even felt this way all those years of not knowing who he was. This pain – he felt a jab of clarity – was this the pain that Wisp had warned him about? Now that he had his memory – he had a connection to his Mutant/Humanity there was such pain at the rejection. He sought out his one true friend, the one who he’d felt he could bounce off all these strange ideas and emotions – the woman/child, Rogue.

Logan went to the grounds, careful not to run into anyone else. He was trying to avoid everyone. He was leaving, he couldn’t take being here, the guilt was too much. But, he needed to find Rogue first. It wouldn’t be fair to her to just leave. He’d try to explain. Logan stopped dead in his tracks, appalled at the horrific sight he saw ahead. No more than 20 yards in front of him – through some trees at the edge of the forest that lay on the edge of the grounds he saw his young friend. “Marie,” he whispered to himself, not believing what he was seeing. The young woman was sitting on a small log holding something. Logan stealthily walked through the remaining distance between the two and hid behind a large tree. Rogue was too wrapped up in what she was doing to even notice. To anyone who didn’t know the young woman they would assume this was a blissful serene moment. But to Logan who knew all too well the power that lay within her, he was full of confusion and disgust at this sight. Rogue was holding a rabbit and intentionally sucking out it’s life force. The look of glee on her face frightened Logan immeasurably. What Logan didn’t see was the pile of squirrels that lay dead behind the log. Logan ran away without even confronting her – the bizarre scene was all too much. He got far enough away and vomited violently. There was no question now, he had to leave. This had become hell.

Professor Xavier awoke with a start. He felt as if something horrible had happened – but that it was over now – but that it was only beginning. He shook his head as if to brush out fog.

“I’m here.” he heard a voice in his head. It was a plaintive, small voice with little energy. Immediately he knew. He managed to get himself into his chair and without even putting on a robe, made his way down to the labs in the basement. On his way there a groggy Jean met him in the corridor. “You heard it?” it was more a statement from the professor than a question. Jean nodded her assent actually surprised that she had heard.

The two rushed into the room that had been outfitted with all the medical monitors and lifesaving equipment that had been so useless to them. There on the table, hooked up to wires, and monitors that had showed life, but no brain function, was Willow - known as Wisp. Jean went around to one side as Professor Xavier wheeled up to the woman. Her long auburn hair a mass of sweaty ringlets tangled in a halo around her head – she looked as if she had been in a boxing match, the bruises, the cuts. She had put up the fight of her life. She slowly turned her delicate features to Professor Xavier who had reached up to clutch her hand. His relief was overwhelming that tears formed immediately.

“ My dear, are you back?” he asked. Jean was checking all the monitors, amazed at the apparent full recovery that was taking place.

“Yes, but I need to tell you….” She said weakly smiling at the kind man. Her face turned grave,” there is danger…..” she trailed off.

Jean looked up from the monitors at the woman and the professor with confusion.

“ I know, my dear, I just realized.” He said with dread.

“What is wrong?” asked Jean, actually quite frightened from their reactions.

Professor Xavier took a breath and looked up to her and said plainly, “Chaos.”

Chapter 6 Chaos

Rogue took the longest to recover. Her actions of the past few days had been so out of character for her, that it took both Jean and Professor Xavier entering her mind to help her find her way back. Wisp wanted to do it, and indeed if she had it would have only taken a mere whisper of an invitation from her in Rogue’s young mind to pull her back to reality. But, neither the Professor nor the Dr. would have that. It was obvious that Wisp was recovering at an alarming rate. But, Professor Xavier was worried about the woman inside – Willow. How had this affected her?

As Willow was recovering Professor Xavier tried his best to understand exactly what had transpired. When he felt he understood what had happened he called all of the X-Men to his office. He needed to explain to them, the best that he could, what had happened.

"When Willow had decided to help Logan regain his memory on her own, she had unknowingly opened herself up to be a true Conduit. There had only been a handful of these recorded. With true Conduits, there was the ability to go through their minds and manipulate others. Many Telepathic Mutants could control others, but conduits could control whole groups, and a true conduits’ power could be awesome, which apparently happened here. I theorize that once Willow was in her weakened state after she helped Logan, her mind had been tapped into and the other presence had jumped in and used her to control the entire school." The Professor paused to let them all take this in.

"Who could or would do such a thing?" asked Scott.

"Scott, I have prided myself for being honest with all of you – you are my family," Professor Xavier caught all of them off guard. " I have kept secrets from you – for your safety, was my reasoning. But it was probably more out of cowardice," they all looked like this was now as clear as mud – he continued. " The man who did this to you is a powerful mutant who calls himself Chaos. When I was at University I met a young man named Padraig Connelly. He and I became very good friends, we both were mutants and had Psychic abilities but we also shared many other common interests. It was if we had been friends our entire lives." He paused for a moment.

"Was this before or after you met Magneto?" queried Jean.

"A few years after, I was a brash 20-year-old who thought I had the world by the tail and Padraig was a complete devil-may-care sort of fellow. To be honest, I did quite a few things with him that was just this side of being legal. But I had grown up in a very controlled environment," he paused as if lamenting a bit, "very controlled. It was like a breath of fresh air for me until it started getting out of hand and it finally went too far."

All of the X-men in the room looked at one another – none of them could ever conceive of Professor Charles Xavier ever "getting out of hand" – of all the things they knew of in the world his consistency and morality was a given, they thought. He continued, "After graduating University, I actually was ready to "grow up" and I thought Padraig was too, but I was wrong. What I did not know about Paddy’s background was that his family were deeply involved in the Irish "troubles" – they justified all they did as being for the cause of Mother Eire, but they were actually a brutal lot that relished in mayhem. Paddy got more and more involved and finally started being involved with some bombings that happened throughout England. I tried to reason with him, but the more I did the more fanatical he became. What I didn’t realize was that he had - has a sickness. He’s schizophrenic – it apparently manifested itself right about the time we were becoming friends. What I thought of as spontaneity was actually him losing his grip with reality. What his family thought was pride and loyalty for their cause was actually his paranoia and the only grasp he had being connected to reality. Finally, I was present once when plans to bomb a school were being discussed. I was shaken to what I was being made party to – so I did what I thought was right and I alerted the authorities – the plan was discovered and thwarted minutes before it was to be executed " he paused to let this sink in to them all, " if they had been successful, scores of young innocent……" he choked. This memory was still so vivid he could never truly live down the horror of what might have been. " Padraig and his family were all promptly arrested and most of them spent years in prison for their conspiracy. I tried to remain anonymous as the tipster, but they all knew – and since I was Paddy’s friend they blamed him. When he was released from prison, he had nothing, no family, no friends, and no prospects at all. I still felt a kinship to him though – even after all that – I felt I owed him – he did too. While he was in prison, his grasp on reality weakened immensely and his mutation strengthened. When he got paroled I tried to make amends for the guilt that I felt – but his hatred for me had grown – I was the sole cause of his woes and he wanted nothing more than revenge on me."

"Surely, you don’t still feel guilt?" Jean asked.

"Guilt, no, remorse yes. Padraig was a brilliant young man and he still is – he knows he’s schizophrenic and he takes medication to help that but he has become so twisted by hatred over the years it has consumed his life. He now takes pleasure in just creating mayhem – mostly over in England and Ireland still – he still feels it is his obligation to his family and country to stick it to the crown. Somehow, I feel if I had been stronger myself or if I had known about his sickness I could have helped him – but I no longer feel guilt."

" OK, we got crazy Irish guy who hates you – why he freak out the school like he did?" Gambit asked in his usual colorful way.

"Over the years, he has occasionally popped up to create some sort of havoc in my life – usually it only had to deal with me though, that is the troubling part – he has never gone to quite this extent before. I didn’t think he knew about Conduits or their abilities." Mused the Professor.

"You mean to say that he somehow tapped into Willow’s mind and seized control of us all? How could one woman do that?" Scott was amazed at this awesome power.

"I can answer that, Scott," Willow walked slowly in the room steadying herself against the wall.

Everyone was surprised to see her standing there. She was still obviously very weak. Her slight frame looked almost ghostly from the stressful toll they all could only imagine she had undertaken. Everyone in the room, except Rogue, seemed to know this woman quite well. Rogue looked at her with growing hatred. This woman had been the cause of so much pain apparently – and more important she was THE reason that her best friend had been mistakenly banished. These other people may be willing to forgive her, but Rogue wasn’t that generous. She narrowed her eyes at this woman and felt rage.

"I first must apologize to you all for endangering you and the students," she humbly stated, "in my arrogance I bulldozed through and jeopardized all that is important to me." Willow paused and slowly walked to Rogue, she looked straight into the young woman’s eyes and said so gently that Rogue was sure that only she had been able to hear, "I am so sorry, Marie. He will be back, I can tell you that for certain." She reached out her hand to touch Rogue’s gloved forearm and gently laid her hand there. Rogue felt, even through her protective gloves a warmth and reassurance. Willow staggered a little, not from having felt the force from the young woman’s power, but the drain from trying to share with the young one in her own extremely weakened state.

Scott caught Willow as she swayed slightly and led her over to a chair where she sat and paused to catch her breath. Rogue now felt completely confused. This woman, whom she wanted to hate, had touched her, albeit through the gloves, she had touched Rogue literally and figuratively to try to reassure her and give her hope.

Willow had paused and regained her strength and began to explain the events from the previous days, "I knew that I had to help Logan regain his life – he needed it, "she seemed to almost be gently pleading with them to understand. "He did not approach me, I went to him and told him I could help - and I did. He saw his life through his own eyes. In order to do this, my focus was on him and shielding him. My mistake was that I let down my Psychic shield from intruders." Rogue looked extremely confused. Jean made a motion that let her know all would be explained later.

" As Logan and I were ending our journey I began to lose control of the thoughts, he began to receive memories that weren’t his and we both experienced intense pain and confusion. It wasn’t until that moment I realized my mistake."

"Well why didn’t you just stop!?!" Rogue couldn’t contain her anger. Ororo put her hand on Rogue’s back as if to try to calm her, but the young woman would have none of it, she jerked away from Ororo’s comforting touch – "Look, I don’t know you – and after seeing what you did to everyone I don’t want to know you. You made me do horrible things – things I can never forget. I never did anything to you!!!!!" Rogue was sobbing; she broke away from Ororo still trying to calm her and ran from the room.

Willow’s face said it all. She felt such horrible guilt for what had happened to everyone, " I should go to her," she simply stated.

"Non, Cherie. I do it – she listen to me perhaps?" Remy looked down into Willow’s face and clasped her shoulder. This was a woman he had loved once and still held in such regard – their youthful passion for one another had not lasted or stood the test of time for many reasons – but it had been replaced with such warmth that he felt sure he could make young Marie understand what had happened. He decided he would find out the rest and give Marie a chance to cool off then he would go to her and comfort her.

"What I don’t understand," said Scott, " is why were we all affected by this craziness and apparently Logan wasn’t?"

" I could feel it happening, and I knew I needed to protect you all. This happened to me once before when I was quite young, " she stole a glance at the professor who was looking out a window as if lost in thought, " I found out then what it meant to be taken over and have tried since to never become weakened like that. But, I blasted my way through without a thought to this particular consequence – like I said it only happened once before – so it didn’t occur to me until too late. I was too weak from Logan’s memories and I had confusion pushed into my mind - I tried to concentrate on you, " she motioned to the Professor, " I thought if I could do that everyone would be safe – but the only thing I could see in my mind were Logan’s eyes." She paused, both Ororo and Jean nodded smiling – they both knew the effect that Logan’s eyes could and did have on others, even them.

" By concentrating on him, I was able to link to him and shield him from Chaos. That is why he was not affected by any of this insanity – at least not in the way you all were." She was chewing on her lip, close to tears at what she felt she had caused.

Remy walked over to the slender woman and knelt by her chair – they had a connection they the others in the room understood – a first love. He held her hand, "Cherie, you don’t feel bad now hear? You were doing what you thought was best, and you are making things right. I go talk to Marie, non? She love me you know?" with that Willow had to smile, this was the brash Gambit she knew and loved and he could always get a smile from her.

"What do we do now?" asked Scott." Is it over? Is this Chaos fellow just toying with us or is he finished?"

"I’m afraid I don’t know Scott, I’ve been pondering this and I will do some more research, I may send some of you on some fact finding missions. This is the most damage he has ever done so my instinct tells me he is up to something. Right now the most important thing to do is to find Logan." The professor emphasized and all of them, even Cyclops agreed.

" When you find him, I’d like to volunteer to go get him," said Scott. At this all the rest were surprised – they all knew of the standing rivalry between the two. He explained, "With our relationship – it would probably mean more having an apology come from me first." Scott was very contrite and quite sincere – they all agreed, this was probably the wisest move.

All of them left the professors office and passing Willow each of them either smiled or offered supportive words – they had all known each other for so long they knew the guilt she was feeling and just wanted her to know how much they all truly loved her. Jean was the last out, she held Willows slender gloved hands in hers – this woman who she had been friends with for so long, " I know why you did that for Logan – you had to. Believe me, Will, if I had your gift, I would never have given if a second thought. She smiled and kissed her friend on the cheek.

After all of them left, Willow got up and gingerly walked over to the Professor and placed her hand on his shoulder. He was again gazing out the window appearing to be deeply lost in his thoughts. " How bad is it?" he asked.

"Pretty bad, I’m afraid of how much he found out." Willow said softly, her lyrical voice almost a whisper. "I need to go," she said. The Professor snatched her hand on his shoulder, "You cannot – you aren’t strong enough!"He protested vehemently.

"Precisely why. I could never forgive myself if anything more happened to all of you because of me. I can protect myself," she smiled to him.

"Willow, I don’t know what I would do if I lost you. Please stay a little while longer and build up your strength at least." He pleaded with her. She gave a terse smile of assent – all the while knowing the quicker she left the safer they all would be.

***

Gambit found Rogue out on the grounds, she had been crying he could see – but he also saw great anger in her face. He tried to explain what had just transpired but she didn’t seem to really care – she had put a wall around herself. She was angry and wanted to blame something - someone and Willow seemed like the prime candidate to her.

"Who the hell is this woman? Why do all of you forgive her so easily for what she did to you?" she spat out. "What is she some sort of Mutant Saint or what?"

Remy realized that they had been asking Rogue to accept a lot from someone she didn’t even know – he saw her perspective a bit and felt she deserved a little background.

"Bout 17 or so years ago – right after the others had started here at the school, Professor Xavier was bringing students here left and right, many were in various states of mind. Well, he bring this petite fille who was bout 13 here. She was completely out of it and wheelchair bound. She’d experienced something real bad in her life that had caused her to become catatonic. She had no family – but somehow or nother the Prof was named her guardian. After she’d been here awhile – a few months or so, she began to start doing some freaky mutant things. She move stuff with her mind. People be talking bout stuff and and all of a sudden "Wham" a cup would fall offa table – or books start floating bout in de air. The Prof got the notion she be doin it. So, they started working with her, especially Jean, and one day she spoke to them - in der minds." He tapped his forehead. "Slowly, dis young girl started to come out of it. It took loonnng time but eventually, she come round. She be here , oh, two years or so and she normal girl. By dis time Scott and Ororo had joined the school and dey all became friends."

Rogue was actually a little calmer and almost looked interested," What had happened to her?"

"She don’ know. Ain’t that a kick in the pants? Here she be, she can tell you the color of the apron the Midwife was wearing when I be borned but she missing this chunk of her own life – Jean calls it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Me? I just think it’s too bad something to remember – it do all that to her? Why remember it?"

"How did you get to know her?" Marie was almost her inquisitive self again.

" Aaaaaahhh, you jealous Cherie? " he winked at her. " Willow and I were, well we were involved years ago. Just didn’t work out – I knew I was waiting for you Mon Amour." He took her gloved hand and kissed it. Rogue grinned a bit, but she could see a bit of pain in his eyes. She seemed to be taking this all in and was calm now.

" You don’t think she could have stopped this from happening?" Rogues voice took on a tinny quality – but Gambit ignored it.

" Stopped it? Non, Cherie I don’ think she knew what hit her. Prolly happen again if she not prepared." He said, then quickly, " but it won’t she know now." But there was a bit of uncertainty in his voice he hoped Marie wouldn’t catch.

Rogue smiled a sweet smile – the one that melted his heart and she knew it. What Gambit didn’t realize was that it wasn’t what she was feeling. She was feeling even more rage, more hatred and stabbing thoughts of revenge. Her coy smile concealed the fact that Chaos reigned supreme in her mind.

to be continued...