Finding the Self

©2000 Kate Johnson

Genre: Romance/Adventure

Sex Content: none

Violence Content: none

Language Content: just fine

Characters: Original Female, X-MEN characters

Chapter 1

Logan tried to clear his head as he drove down the long and winding road to Charles Xavier's School for the Gifted. He killed the engine just beyond the gate. Deciding he didn't have the energy to see his friends just yet, turning Scott's motorcycle towards town to find a beer. Stopping at the first neon sign in sight. Parking the cycle in front than strolled inside. His green eyes were not ready for the sight on the bar's small wooden dance floor. His little Rogue, was no longer little. At first he did not know if it was her then he spotted her white bang. In the three years he has left her in the care of the X-Men, she has grown into a very beautiful young woman. Her soft brown with the spot of white hung just below her shoulders. The pale satin-like skin screamed 'touch me'. It was hard not to stare, tearing himself away from the vision, he walked to the bar.

"What can I get you?" the friendly bartender asked.

"Beer." he grumbled. The dancing couple caught his attention once more. After placing the cold bottle of beer in front of his customer, he followed his gaze out to the single couple on the dancefloor.

"They're here every weekend, dancing." he divulged with a sarcastic laugh.

"Whose the guy?" Logan solicited aggravated.

"Remy...something. Cain't remember his last name. He came to Xavier's school about year ago. About two or three months he and that girl started coming."

"Are you talking about Remy and Marie?" she asked.

"We are." the bartender replied.

"Don, have you seen those dog tags that she always wears? I wonder who Wolverine is?" Logan smiled a knowing smile, hiding it with a sip of beer. So she had not forgotten about him, even after all this time. Funny, he had really missed her.

"Thanks." he blurted out. He picked up his barely consumed beer. Sauntered over to a cluster of tables, placing it on the nearest table. Then proceeded on to the wooden surface. The guy was too involved in Marie to notice Logan approaching them. "May I cut in?" He asked as he stood only a few inches away. Both dancers were shocked. Rogue turned and immediately smiled.

"You're here!" she gasped happily. "You came back." her voice gave away her surprise. "I missed you!" she explained as she hugged him warmly. She then giggled.

"I've too missed you, Rogue or is it now Marie again?" he asked, replaying the waitress' words.

"Either actually, Logan..." She held on tightly to his hand as if she was afraid he would vanish into air. "Logan, this is Remy. Remy. this is Logan." She looked around at their surroundings and smiled. "Logan, we have to stop meeting each other in bars." she pointed out with a cackle. He guffawed with her. Being this close to Xavier's newest 'student', Logan didn't like him.

Chapter 2

The redheaded young man oozed over-confidence. Even Summers was less annoying than this kid. "Have you seen everyone else?" she asked with enthusiasm in her Southern drawl.

"No, not yet."

"Oh, they'll be happy to see you!" she told him gleefully. "Oh Remy." She had forgotten he was there. "You don't mind if we go home?"

Of course, he did. He didn't like the way this [old timer] hogged all of Rogue's time. She was HIS mark. "Of course not, darlin'" Even his voice exuberated his apparent cockiness. Logan wanted to ram his claws into this guy. The beautiful and curvy youthful woman nearly dragged him to the door. "You ridin' with me, mon cherie?" The newcomer questioned in that Cajun accent of his. There was silence as she decided, both hearts were willing her to ride with them.

"No, I think I'll ride with Logan. It's been three years since he left. We have a lot of catching up to do, you understand?" Remy didn't miss the mocking grin on his elder's face, even in the dark of the night.

"Alright, darlin." he said with a faux sunny tone. "I'll see ya at the big house." With that he jump started the cycle's engine and rode off. Both watch him go.

"You like him?" He really tried to hide his distaste, but Rogue heard it.

The man was leaning against his borrowed motorcycle with his breathtaking female companion standing directly in front of him.

"No, not really. He's just a reason to get out!" The young woman kept thinking to herself, you're the only man I've ever wanted. Her statement bothered the older man.

"Did Xavier treat you alright?" She smiled at the worry she heard in his gruff voice.

"Like a daughter." she assured him.

"The others?" he growled, vowing to ram them all if the answer was a negative. He would especially like to impale Scott Summers.

"With love."

"Then what?"

"Sometimes I just have to get out. Away from the..." she stopped before she embarrassed herself. From the things that remind me of you, she thought.

"From what, Marie?" he coaxed.

"Things." she said firmly. He decided to let it go for now. "So did you find what you were seeking?" She changed the subject.

Logan went along with her. He thought carefully before answering. "Yes and no."

"How's that?" At the utterance of the affectionate pet name, her heart began to flutter. "...I haven't found any thing about my past."

"I'm sorry." she said, putting a reassuring pat on his lower arm. Her light touch was so innoncent and yet for him it was so hard to take just one. He shut his yellow-green eyes to the images it conjured up. Rogue's heart beat ten times faster as her hand touched the sleeve of his faded jeans jacket.

"I've decided I can't dwell on my past, but I can concentrate on my future." he said with certainty.

"Does that mean you're staying for good?" She was holding her breath. Willing herself to not get her hopes up.

"Yes." he said with a smile. Marie wanted to burst out of her skin with sheer happiness. "I think I've found myself now, kid." There was a comfortable silence. "Let's go home." Yes, for the first time in three years it would feel like a home. This is not to say, she hadn't felt loved in that span of time. It was only she would now feel whole.

"Okay...oh, wait." She reached out to touch his arm. When he faced her, hand lightly yanked off the dog tags he gave her the day he left. "Here." She would not need them anymore now that he was here.

"No, keep them for me, please." he whispered. Logan was eager to change the subject. "So what have you been up to?"

"Actually, I graduated two years ago." she told him proudly. He felt guilty for not being there on her important day. "Don't feel guilty." It was as if she read his mind. Mentally, he decided to ask Jean or the Professor about that. "You had to try to find yourself. I help the teachers now, can you believe it?" She questioned with a giggle.

"Are you a part of the X-Men?" he inquired, not knowing if he wanted to hear her answer.

"Yes." she proclaimed satisfied. " We’ll be working side by side, Logan." She paused to attempt to read his unreadable expression. "I've acquired the ability to fly. "Still after a year, she was ashamed of it. Rogue hadn't meant to kill Ms. Marvel. But, slowly, through the help of Scott, Jean and the Professor, she is learning how to use it.

"Oh, I'm learning how to control my powers, by absorbing them completely. Through mind over body techniques." she reported unreservedly. If he hadn't been fully aware of the change that occurred to Rogue, he was now! Flying, controlling her powers, he shook his head. Damn, he has been gone too long.

"By the way, Rogue." he said quietly.

"Yeah, Logan."

"You look beautiful!" She hoped that he couldn't see her turn to the color of crimson. He did.

"Thank you." she offered softly.

"Your welcome. Come here, kid." He opened his strong arms and she walked into them. She closed her dark eyes, savoring every minute. The male mutant had a feeling that this was almost too right to have this lovely creature in his arms. But he brushed it off, pushing it from his mind, telling himself it was wrong for him to feel that way. Yet he wanted to relish the moment. They stayed in that position for a few minutes. "Ready?" No, her body yelled. But all she could manage was a weak, "yes".

Chapter 3

"Yeah, I guess." she lied again, her barely over a whisper. He straddled the bike, first. Then she followed suit, sitting only an inch away, wrapping her long arms around him. Snuggling close to his warm body. Feeling safe. He grinned as he heard her sigh contentedly. He started the engine, then headed for home. This idea of having a home was going to take time to get used to. He couldn't remember a time in his life when he had a place he called home. They drove in an easy silence.

She stopped to look at him one last time before going up to her room which was Logan's old room. A place she felt close to him, his smell still lingered there even after all this time. "Logan, I'm really glad you're home. I've missed you a lot!" she reported almost shyly. Though never looking away from his intense stare.

"Yeah, me too, kid." stated Logan with smirk that Marie always remembered in her dreams. Without thinking, he quickly touched her check, so soft! She turned to leave.

"Goodnight, Logan." she murmured over shoulder.

"Sweet dreams." I will now, she thought. Although her nights had been plagued with his nightmares, she hoped having him so close she could have dream for once. Just as she came to the door, it opened by itself.

"Good evening, Marie."

"Hello, Professor." she said affectionately. She knew that her old and wise tutor wanted to speak to the other man so she left.

"It's been a long time, Logan." The older and clever man declared warmly.

"Yes, it has, Professor." Logan responded just as kindly. He didn't want the old man knowing just how much he respected him!

"Let's talk in the privacy of my office." he offered. The younger man nodded. They made the trek in silence.

Once in the confines of Xavier's office. "I assume that your presense here means you've found answers to your questions." He asked from behind his desk.

"Not exactly." Logan quipped as he slumpped into the leather in front.

"No I've not yet pieced back together my past, but I am willing, Professor to see what kind of person I can be in the future." he related cheerlessly.

"There's a way to test yourself. Magneto escaped," a groan seeped from the man also known as Wolverine, "from that plastic prison and we are planning on a continuation of before."

"Will Rogue be safe?" He questioned as he straightened his back. The professor smiled. Wolverine could never forget what had occurred there on the Statue of Liberty. He had never felt so helpless before and loathed it. Having her there in his strong arms and not being capable of shielding her from such pain! It was there he had vowed to reliate against that human magnet. Just thinking about the old geiser made him want to ram something. So he hadn't lost his protective feelings towards young Marie, in fact they have intensified in his time away.

"Yes, Logan, she will." he guaranteed. "That girl has transformed into quite a different person since you've been gone."

"I understand that, honestly I do. But she doesn't have the protective devices that I, Jean, Ororo and Scott have. I just worry about her, that's all."

"I realize that. But she has acquired some new powers."

"She mentioned something about that." he grunted. "Speaking of acquiring something new, who's new jerk?"

"Who? Remy?"

"Yeah." he confirmed disgustedly. "I didn't like the way he treated Marie tonight..." he paused to searched for the right word. "He was too fresh with her." He gave Xavier his reason. But the world's strongest telepath knew there was a deeper reason than that, but wasn't going to press him about it.

"You must be tired." He changed the subject. Sleepiness hit Wolverine all of the sudden. He nodded. "Come, we'll have to find you another room. Rogue is in your old room.

"I'd give it up, only to her." he said lightly.

The next morning, Logan momentarily forgot where he was. He assumed that "wheels" was briefing the team. So he headed towards Xavier's office.

"I don't think so. He'll only jeopardize a mission." he heard Scott protest.

"You talkin' about me, one-eye?" he asked good-humoredly. All eyes turned to the form in the doorway. Marie beamed, happy to see that he hasn't escaped again. Storm smiled as did Jean. Even Scott smirked his greetings.

"Welcome home, Logan." Ororo announced, coming to kiss his hairy cheek.

Chapter 4

"Thanks, Storm." he acknowledged with a click.

"Couldn't stay away?" Scott started with feigned annoyance as he sat in front of Xavier's desk.

"From your girl? Never." he joked "You get more beautiful every time I see you , Jean."

"You're too kind, Logan." she thanked him embarrassed.

"No, for once, Jean, he and I agree on something." Scott ribbed. He simply kissed Rogue quickly not long enough to be in any danger on the cheek with a "Good Morning." Before sitting beside her.

"Good mornin', Logan."

"I think you've already met Remy Lebeau." The wise man's voice demanded calmness. "Logan or Wolverine is returning to the X-Men permanently." he proclaimed to the others.

"So what's the latest?" He jumped right in non-chalantly.

"Not much actually. Not until Sabertooth finds out you're back." Scott explained amused. "He's still hurting from you'alls bout on the Statue of Liberty."

"He's like an elephant." Wolverine joked. The room chuckled.

Jean spoke, "It's good to have you home, Logan." she told him evenly. Logan raised his eyebrow flirtously.

"Thanks. You guys just like having Wolverine back." he kidded good-humouredly. There was an ounce of truth in his statement.

It took him a while to get used to their daily routine. Out there he could he could carry with him only the things he wanted, but here in up-state New York it was so different. Being a part of a team , an individual you carried everyone else problems. Alone, he carried a vision of a young pretty southern belle, her soothing drawl, the distant touch that came with her 'gift'. The mere memories of those chaste touches sent chills down his metal spine. He was beginning to believe the old saying 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' There underneath the cold Canadian sky, his mind would seek her touch, the warmth of the look of affection in her dark and wise eyes. At time it was the only thing that kept him going. No longer did he want to protect her in a brotherly fashion, yes, he lived to protect her but the beast inside of him wanted to guard his property. Oh, he knew that women were not property, but he wanted her all to himself, he, an old, gruff, and sometimes violent man wanted to show her how to love...but she could never feel that way about him...

The minute Logan walked back into Rogue's life all of those old feelings flooded back. Oh, how she wanted to feel his lips against her skin. To the rest of the world, he's a harsh, brutal and cynical man, yes, he can be all those things, in truth this haunted man was so much more than that, whether or not he, himself knew it. The night he stabbed her three years before she saw so much pain, fear and sorrow. It was something in his eyes that told that a touch from her deadly hands would be far less anguish than if she died. So she reached out. Truth be told, this teenager wasn't prepared for what she would receive with his amazing healing powers, she absorbed others things; his horrific memories of his transformation and his fights such as the one he was a part of when they met. No one should have been asked to go through the ordeal he went through. To this day, every time she thinks about it, she shutters. She now laughs to think there was a time in the not so distant past when she actually thought she understood Logan. Rogue waited a few days after his departure to disclose the information she had acquired, wanting his colleagues to get a grasp on him. Understand why did the things he did. He probably doesn't know how to make out those images in his head, they were too close to have any prospective on them. She lost them about a year after he left. She actually mourned, it felt as if she lost him all over again. Ironically, it hurt more having him so close and yet so far away. Rogue also knew that the others including Logan considered her affections as simply a teenage crush. The funny thing is she's no longer a teenager, hadn't felt like one in years. No more did she think he was a 'hottie', her feelings grew deeper over the years. She completely adored him. Even though, she has gotten her curse under control, he would never regard her as a potential lover. Forever, she will have to live on her torrid fantasies.

to be continued...