September 30, 2003 >> 5 more days, Hailey. You can do it. It will all be ok, just hold on for 5 more days. Of course after I walk on clouds for a day, they have to be shot down. I saw him in the hallway with this girl. Of course not acknowledging me. But, thi girl was just gorgeous... and I am thinking "How in hell can I compete with that?" It was so pathetic and terrible. You know, being a Bombshell, I should be like nothing else matters, and that I should know I am not perfect but I should strew cofidence. So that every man goes weak at the knees. I should know I am no Aphrodite, but I should act like I am. But, I don't. Oh I want to be happy again. I want to be in the place where me having a boyfriend didn't matter. You know, Val was talking today about how she just wants to be with as many men as she can once she goes to college. Yet, Val can do that. Val is gorgeous. Ugh... it makes me so angry. You know, how much I love theatre and everything, I am dreading going to callbacks, that is if I get called back. If I don't have someone I know and trust right next to me while I am at Muse now, I am so apprehensive to anyone that looks at me. And I know what Zack would say, "Why do you care?" Truth is, I don't know why I care. I just do. And, everyone execpt maybe 4 people love Zack. I don't have that luxury. Point is, it was a terrible day. And I still have a paper to write, and all I want to do is cry. And drink gallons of tea because my throat feels like I swallowed sandpaper. Andmy nose feels as if I spent the night in a room where J.Lo's Glow was being put into the vent and I was forced to breathe it. I am listening to depressing music. It is so bad. I feel so drained, emotionally and phyically. But I can't possibly be drained emotionally, because I am holding everything in. I walk around as if nothing is wrong. But it is. I am so terribly alone. I need to sleep. But I can't. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not the next day, not until I have this all off my chest.

September 29, 2003 >> Yeah, so I feel incomplete... But anyways, so Kapaku, being the incredibly nice person that she is, IMed Ben and said it was Zack. Although, nothing really happened. I guess we'll have to do that when Zack gets back from Myrtle Beach. But yeah, I think, the guy, hit on my today. So we are sitting there and talking about his ex-girlfriend and how she is going over tohis house this weekend. And I was joking and was like "Oh and are you gonna make out, wait, you can't because she won't kiss anyone until she's married." And he says "Oh, well you can come over and make out." STUPID ME! I MAKE A JOKE OUT OF IT! I say "Oh yay! I'll be a party!" Oh so now I have to go. Caio

September 28, 2003 >> You know, I didn't think I would be THIS bad. OK, It hasn't even been a day since I haven't talked to Zack, and I can't stop freaking out. I mean, didn't know how much I would miss him, until he was gone. And I feel like I am suffucating. Its like he died or something. I am going totally Natalie Wood in Speldour in the Grass. Its pathetic. I guess I take Zack for granted a lot of times. Because he's always there, no matter what. And I guess I usually don't show him how much I truly love and apprecieate him. No matter how many little nit-picky arguements we had yesterday or ever. You know, this is like Hailey pre-Zack. Completely isolated from everyone, and not caring about anything but acting. And staying home by myself on the weekends making cookies and watching Degrassi. Having to look at the phone, hoping someone will care or think "I wonder if Hailey is still alive," and meraculously call me. Oh... and was a somber day. It is cold and dark and I MISS ZACK!

So I haven't even been apart from Zack for a half a day... and I already am going crazy. AGH! Ok so yesterday, first I had to get up early... and I wasn't too happy about thatbut yeah... so I went to this really stupid workshop, but it was cool because I got to see all my old friends from Upon a Star which was fabulous. And I got to meet Krystal and Shaun... I heart Krystal, she is really one of the coolest people I have ever met. And then I had my audition, which I thought my song was terrible, but everyone seemed to like it. My monologue was fabo, though! And the dancing... was well... the dancing... But there was this girl at the auditions... and she was... heavy. And she was talking about Zack and how he was sooo hot and I am just cracking up, and she is like "Don't you think he's hot..." I was like "Yeah, but he likes boys." And she gives me this weird look and tries to brush it off as if she knew the whole time. And then she starts talking about how she (14 year old girl) adopted a baby from Guatamala... which I had to try oh so hrd to keep from laughing when she told me that. So Krystal, Shaun, Zack, and I walked over to Seattle East, which I was soooo happy about. I totally miss that place. And then after the God forsaken dance audition, that I so skillfully screwed up, I went home and got all pretty. And I went to Zack's house, and we took pictures and I got to meet more of his friends. And we went to dinner. And then we went to the dance... which was so fabo... and we were being all raunchy, and some teacher walked by us and was like "whoa, WHOA!" And all the sraight guys were asking zack and me how we dance like that, and it was the greatest thing. But it as so funny. But yeah, Zack and I were total Bombshells, it was fabulous. So I have to go clean my room now... caio

September 26, 2003 >> Oh life is so fabulous! So my weekend is as follows... Friday (tonight)... I am going to sit at home, and watch Cat on a Hot Tin Roof 15 million times or until I can talk like Liz Taylor, which ever comes first. Practice my song, get my monologue down, figure out my outfit for tomorrow, figure out how to do my hair, and go to bed early. Saturday... (9:15-12) Muse workshop and touring the set of Les Mis, (1:35) audition, (3-4) dance audition, (6-ish-11) HOMECOMING! WOO WOO! I am sooo excited to look all pretty... I am going to be a flipping bombshell... or Liz Taylor incarnate... is Zack and Hailey gonna be the hottest couple there? CHYEAH! Could you imagine the hotness? Its incomprehensible, I know.

September 23, 2003 >> Yay! I'm back, for a day of hell. I was grounded from the computer because I did not do the dishes after school. Yes, I am serious. But that's ok, I got to get on the phone. And I memorized... a paragraph of my monologue. Woo woo! OK, I am really trying not to feel "amorous." But it is so so so so so so so so so so so so so hard. Like, Oh Gawd... he looked so so so so hot today. *faints flatly* But yeah, so I told Ben that Zack thought he was hot. It was fun.
Me: Oh my gawd! So my friend Zack, thinks you're hot.
Ben: HE'S A GUY!
Me: well... yeah...
Ben: How does he know me!?
Me: That picture of me and you on the last day of school...

Needless to say... he kept on giving me these disgusted looks, in which case I yelled at him for being an ignorant bastard.

1st- I got to develope more pictures, which is fabo!
2nd- I dispise French now. Because of the little boy behind me that WON'T STOP TALKING!
3rd- Yeah...
4th- Uh-huh... Oh! But I got to see... him...
5th- Can you tell I had an average day?
6th- Ok, so for current events I got this really fabulous article about this bill passed in California that grants same-sex couples the same rights as straight couples... it was sure to spark a discussion... did we even do discussions? NO!
7th- *yawn*

Yeah, so that was my day... Look at what I just found, I forgot I had this... it is Hailey's Top 10 Reasons Why She Needs A Boyfriend WOO WOO! Beware... its pathetic...

September 22, 2003 >> Oh... yay!... I had Val bonding today. Sometimes I forget how much fun I have with that chick. Nothing really happened. But ooooh... The Guy... let's just call him that. You know I never noticed but he has the most beautiful blue eyes. Oooooh... and the fact that he will listen to me about anything, and I mean ANYTHING (like he asks me about gay rights and so on, but it isn't bad he is totally sincere about everything he says, and just the fact that he is willing to listens to things I say about that, baffles me, I didn't know guys in my hometown or straight guys in general are capable of being that sincere of something so bizarre to most people, just makes me so elated. I didn't know anyone could be that close to perfection.) *sigh* Did anyone watch Carnivale last night? You should have. It was A-MAZ-ING. Seriously. And tonight is Everwood, I will most likely use a box of tissues during that. Yeah so now I have to go get dressed for dance class, woo woo for burning calories! Do I see? Tis! 5 days until homecoming!

September 21, 2003 >> So yeah, I am definetly exhausted. First, yesterday, I had Cade's birthday party. At the bowling alley. Good news... I WON! Maybe because the bumpers were up, but that doesn't matter. Then I went home and Zack came over. And we were primping to go to the club sort of thing. So we get there... and it is screaming "GHETTO!" And here we are me in 4 inch Baker's heels and a white blouse... So once we get in, Zack was like "I feel so... white." So Maggie and Alie, went off with Brian and all of his "hot friends," which left Zack and I to sit around for an hour and a half. And we picked out all the fashion faux pas... there were a lot. Let's see we have the girls in the towels... we have girls with rolls coming out... these turbin like things, faux Louis Vuitton silk scarfs... wrapped around their heads... some girl wearing dark lipstick and pajamas. Zack was like "What is this? Fashion Victims-R-US?" It was really funny, because either people were black or thought that they were black. It was ok when Zack and I were freak dancing... It was really funny. We were practically having sex on the dance floor, it was great. So now all I want to do is sleep and eat Chinese food... but the Chinese food part doesn't look good... but that's ok... but now it is what? 6 days until homecoming. YAY!

September 19, 2003 >> Yeah I am definetly getting progressively worse at karoke every time I go. I am serious. Like yesterday, Zack and I were so bad, we just left early... like an hour and a half early. Mostly on my part. I mean I was really really bad. Really really bad. I just won't even start on that. We seriously need a karoke buddy. But good news! THERE IS A NEW VENUS HUM SONG ON iCONTROL! WOO WOO! And what is the best part... the words are on the video... so we actually know what she says! So Val really needs to wake up... so I can tell her she's coming over tonight so we (as in me, Zack, and her) are going to the haunted trail. Woo woo! Oh yeah I fogot... so Zack and I were at Barnes and Noble last night before karoke, looking for a monologue. And we were back in the kid's area, playing "I Spy." Like the books. WARNING: Might be offensive... And there was this page where it was like a dresser with a bunch of nail polish and stuff. And Zack was like "I see a negro child looking at me." It was sooooo funny. I was laughing sooo hard. So since I have nothing to talk about, let's do a survey!

1.) Name: Hailey
2.) Birthdate: November 8, 1987
3.) Zodiac: Scorpio... we're intense and very sentual
4.) Nationality: Irish, German, and American Indian
5.) What time is it: 10:19 AM
6.) Are you sensitive: Isn't it apparent?

------------WHO DID THESE THINGS LAST?-------
7.) Called you: Zack
9.) Saw you cry: Hmm... Malavika? Last year when Papa died...
10.) Made you cry: Myself
14.) You went to the mall with: My sista...
15.) Yelled at you: Umm... my mum? I don't remember when thought
16.) Sent you an email: I got it off of Elyse!

------------HAVE YOU EVER--------------
17.) Taken a picture of yourself with a milk mustache: umm... no... but if I ever need to for Photo class... thanks for the idea
18.) Said "i love u" and meant it: I sappose
19.) Gotten into a fight with your Dog/Cat etc: Wow... I am not THAT bored with life
21.) Been to Florida?: No...
22.) California?: No
23.) Hawaii?: NO!
24.) Mexico?: No
26.) Canada?: Still a no
27.) Danced Naked: I have a thing with being naked in public... I just don't like it
28.) Had a dream about something really real, then the next day it happened?: Yeah... its really weird
29.) Stalked someone?: Yeah, me and my sister did at Aquaport in St.Louis. There was this really hot guy... turns out he was a pussy and told the lifeguards on us.
30.) Had a mud bath?: Can't say I have
31.) Wished you were the opposite sex?: Ohhh yeah
32.) What time is it now?: 10:25 pm

---------WhIcH wOuLd yOu pReFeR--------
34.) apples or bananas?: Apples... I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE BANANAS
35.) Blue or red: Red... everyone likes blue... I truly dislike blue
36.) Backstreet boys or nsync?: Nsync... definetly
37.) Walmart or Target?: Target is the best...
38.) Spring or Fall?: Spring... although my birthday is in fall
39.) Santa or Rudolph?: I like Rudolph... he was an outcast... and now he is the most popular reindeer...
40.) what r u gonna do after this?: Take a shower and get ready to go to my brother's birthday party
41.) What was the last meal you ate?: Wendy's, in which I got a big glob of ketcup and mustard on my white Abercrombie shirt.
42.) High school or college?: I can not wait to get out of high school
43.) Are you bored?: Not really
44.) How many of your buddies are online?: 6... I don't have many people on my buddy list...
45) Last movie you saw?: Umm... First Wive's Club last night before I went to Zack's house
46.) Last noise you heard?: Tick Tick BOOM! on my radio... its a musical
47.) Last smell you smelled: Tootise rolls?

------------ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS--------------
48.) Laughs the weirdest?: moi
49) Going to have the most kids: Val?
50.) Who have you known the longest?: Val and Mikey
52.) Is the quietest: None of us...
53.) Will fill this out and send it back: Zack will probably put it in his diary
54.) Who is the funniest?: Zack, Val, Stacy, geez all of them
55.) Who is the moodiest?: Me?
56.) Biggest player?: Hmmm... I don't know... I don't think any of u are players
57.) Who do you usually go to about all of your problems?: Zack or Val
60.) Do you have a crush on someone?: no...
61.) Do they know?: That I don't have a crush on them? I would hope so...
62.) Do you have a bf/gf?: sadly no...

-----------------EXTRAS-----------------------
63.) Do you dream about the future?: All the time...
64.) Has a dream ever foretold your future?: not that I can remember
64.) What book are you reading now: The Modern Monologue for Women... and The Scarlet Letter for school
65.) Nicknames: Hail, Hailers, Ness, and people call me by my last name
66.) Hair Color: currently sort of a brownish red
67.) Height: 5'6"
68.) Pets: My dog Blossom
69.) Siblings: My little brother, Cade and my sister, Maggie
70.) Been so drunk you don't remember what you did?: Can't say I have....
78.) Had a crush on a teacher: No...
79.) Ever thought an animated character was cute?: Yeah, Eric on The Little Mirmaid
80.) Ever at anytime owned New Kids on the Block stuff: No.. I was too young...
81.) Planned your week based on the TV Guide: I planned a day around Queer Eye
82.) Prank called someone: Yes... I haven't in awhile though
Wow... that was fun

September 18, 2003 >> Hailey, you musent fall in love... not again... not now. Don't fall in love. Not with an image. Not with someone who doesn't love you back.

Yay! Zack's site is working! CLICK HERE! That makes me happy.Yeah, so I have a loverly French papier to type tonight. In French, no less. Oh yay! So Val and I decided what to do for my birthday. Zack, Val, and I will either empty out my house or go to a hotel room or get a cabin and have a weekend long slumber party. In which we watch every Cher movie. Which is going to be fabo! So... yeah. I think that is all that really happened today...

September 17, 2003 >> Why Do People Fall in Love? - Linda Eder

Why do people fall in love?
Don't we know love is full of dangers?
Letting loose our foolish hearts
In this world full of perfect strangers
Maybe this time you will find
The moon will treat you kinder
Yes, I'm sure that I recall
That's the reason people fall...


Love is needing to belong
Right or wrong, when you feel the fire
Love is living in mid-air
young and rare, on a sky-high wire
Hoping this time it will last
You feel your heart beat faster
Yes, I'm sure that I recall
That's the reason people fall in love


Taking chances you never take
When wide awake...you risk it all
Half afraid he'll only break your heart
Still you will close you eyes and simply fall


Why do people fall in love?
Are we fools with no hope of winning?
Or perhaps we always see
One last chance for a new beginning
Holding on and letting go
But I never really knowing
Well, I guess that after all
That's the reason people fall in love


I am so sick of love. Silly love. *enter Hailey being dramtic* I am so jelous of people who are so in love... or get it a lot. Why must I fall so hard so fast? And with guys that don't love me back. Everyone tells me, oh yeah you just need more of this and this. I don't want to know what I am doing wrong! Someone tell me what I am doing right! I must be doing at least one thing right. Maybe that is why I am such a bitch when it comes to guys. They have never given me anything, why sould I give a damn about them. Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. It would be easier. ITS NOT SAPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS! I'M 15! I'M SAPPOSED TO HAVE MY HEART BROKEN BY BEING DUMPED AND I AM SAPPOSED TO HAVE MY FIRST LOVE AND EVERYTHING! Have I? I have a page of nothing... of being used and being tricked. And oh that is the most loathesome feeling. Being tricked. Thinking everything is fabulous and then in some bizarre twist of events you are a laughing stock, thrown to the lions for no reason. I want to be incapable of feeling anything. So I won't kill myself with beautiful thoughts. Thoughts that will never happen. Oh and my papa... how I miss him. It is almost surreal that he is gone. I don't want to go to the cemetery. I really don't. Some may think I do, or that I need to. But I am terrified of the idea. I don't want to think about him laying in a silk lined box below my feet. I don't want to think of him anywhere than the green chair furthest from the door at my mama's house, with his feet propped up and a toothpick. I don't want to think about that day, or week. It hurts too much. What is more, I am so sick of Ben. I am so sick of his immature insults. I just wanna yell at him. I want to tell him he's being a little impressionable person. And that he only says the things that he does because he is ignorant. And that he is so used to people kissing his ass. And that he never thinks about other people. And that he needs to stop saying things about people he doesn't know (zack), because he knows nothing about me or him. And that he is so incredibly lucky, and that he doesn't know what it is like to have your mom coming home with mascara streaks down her face from crying. And he doesn't know what it is like to have your mom sell her wedding ring for rent. And he doesn't know what it is like to wonder if my dance classes are taking away from money that can be used for heat. And he doesn't know what it is like to have your family look down on you because of your thoughts. And he doesn't know what it is like to be looked down upon because your best friend is gay, but he is all you have right now. But people who know me, know that I will think these things, but once I get a time to say them, I won't be able to bring myself to it. I will just sit and hold it all in, and figure it out myself. I just need to go to sleep.

September 16, 2003 >> Hello dahlings. So my grandfather tells me today that he thinks it would be a good idea to have a talk with Zack before homecoming. He told me that he will tell him there would be none of "this this and this" (I sappose meaning anything about coming in a 3 foot radius of me) or else there would be some of "this" (meaning punching him). I was like "Umm. trust me, Zack won't do anything to me." And I was explaining that mom knew zack, and he asked how many times she has "interacted with him." I was like umm... she has met him many times and everything. That really pissed me off. I just wanted to be like "HE'S GAY! HE WON'T LAY A FINGER ON ME BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE ME! IN FACT WE HAVE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED... MANY TIMES! AND DO WE THINK ANYTHING OF IT? NO! WHY? BECAUSE HE LIKES PENISES!" Of course, if I did that... it could be bad... Oh heaven forbid I become friends with homos... I mean seriously... and do I look like the type of person who would let anyone, let alone my best friend, come onto me without my conset? Do I really look like some helpless ingenue type person? No... moving on... So I saw my ex-love... Ben... well i see him everyday... but today I talked to him... yes I talked to Ben. Notice the disgust in my pronucation of his loathesome name. He was talking to Katie and she kicked him or something, and it wasn't like it was really hard... and he was like "Ow ow that really hurt." and I was like "suck it up bitch!" and he says "he he, I'm Hailey, and I suck penises for money." so I kicked him hard and walked away. Bastard... he really needs to notice the fact that he is really egotistical. Ugh, at least now I wonder why I liked him... just like it says on Captain Corelli's Mandolin, "Love starts with the eyes and leaves with the eyes." Saying, that I only liked him because he was hot. And its true... he has such a bad personality. He's really impressionable, and egotistical, and makes fun of people that he shouldn't, and he is mean, and a minipulator, and cares sooooo much about what people think about him... terrible. Did anyone watch Everwood last night? I cried... A LOT. It was terrible... I was crying so much. But I had to tape it, because the new HBO show Carnivale (which is amazing by the way) was on and yeah. so tonight it Queer Eye! YAY! Au revior dahlings.