Characters in Chapter 19:
December 14, 2000 (Thursday)
It was two in the morning.
The streets of Hong Kong were quiet, wind howling through the empty streets. Streetlights glared the pavement, creating raspy shadows on the sidewalk.
It was the time of the day to nestle into beds and sleep, dream of sugar plum fairies and rest up for the next day.
But six people could not sleep. As tired as they may be, they were so burdened that sleep seemed to be an intangible object…
Ting Ting had no idea what would happen when Chi San discovered that Man still loved him, who he would ultimately choose. She had told him without thinking about the consequences, without realizing that there was a possibility that she would lose him. At that time, the most important thing was to help Man.
It wasn't until Chi San stormed out of the apartment only saying that he needed to find Man that she realized that helping Man might mean losing Chi San. That night, he hadn't returned and Ting Ting was left alone in the apartment, surrounded only by her own heartbeat. Unable to sleep, she had stayed up until the crack of dawn when Chi San finally returned.
With Man right behind him.
Man couldn't be left alone to live by herself because she might hurt herself; Ting Ting of all people, a psychologist, understood that. But that hadn't stopped her from having doubts. After all, there was still the matter of the tape-recording incident.
Ting Ting had been ready for the worst of news until Chi San revealed that he wasn't planning on telling Man about the misunderstanding with the tape-recording. He reasoned that there was no need to because it would just add extra tension and confusion to the already strained relationships and to the atmosphere in the apartment.
Still, she had her doubts. Ting Ting remembered how much Chi San had loved Man and how hurt he had been when she left him. And even though it had been a year ago, she knew that Chi San still had some love for Man and the clarification of the misunderstanding could be the gate to Chi San and Man's reunion.
But judging from the way things were around the apartment, Ting Ting had nothing to worry about. After subtly observing Man and Chi San (a skill she picked up as a psychologist), she realized that the two hardly said a word to each other. Man stayed in her room most of they day, only coming out to use the bathroom and for food. Whenever she or Chi San or Fong Yee asked her if everything was all right, she would hastily retreat back to her room, throwing a half-hearted "Yes" behind her shoulders. And Chi San was so wrapped up in a complex case at the station these days, he hardly had time to worry about anything else, much less Man.
And though Ting Ting's doubts faded, a bit still lingered on, refusing to let her be. Not until the very last minute (whenever that was, whatever that meant) would anyone know what Chi San's ultimate decision was, who he would spend the rest of his life with.
But now, something else was bothering Ting Ting, keeping her awake into the wee hours of the night. That morning, she had referred Man to a psychologist, suggesting she go for therapy. But Man had flatly refused. It seemed as if she had no desire to rid herself of her disorder, of the nightmares that came along with it.
Ting Ting knew she couldn't force Man, and so she had dropped the subject. Now thinking back on it, she realized that Man had lost all will, given into her ill-fated destiny.
If she has a chance to win, she really should fight back, Ting Ting thought, It's too stupid to just give in.
As this thought traveled in her mind, she hit a realization. Hadn't she been doing the same thing? Giving in without even trying to cure her deafness. Granted, the operation was far more risky than psychological therapy, but the concept was still the same.
If there was a chance she could win, she should take it. And take it she would.
Fei felt Quin's weight left off the bed. He waited to hear the flushing of the toilet. There was none. He waited to hear the clanking of cups in the kitchen. There was one. He waited to hear the shuffling of her feet down the hall. There was none.
Where had she gone?
Sighing exasperatedly, Fei rose from the bed and made his way out of the bedroom. He walked with a bit of a limp in his legs and the walking strained his energy so that he had to lean his hands against the wall every so often. But his leg was actually doing much better than anticipated. Fei had put in extra hours of physical therapy, pushing himself to his limit and even further. And the results were wonderful. Even his doctor was amazed that his leg had gained movement again in such a short amount of time.
He couldn't have done it without Quin. She went with him to physical therapy often and stayed by his side, encouraging him, cheering him on and when she wasn't able to accompany him, she surely was there in spirit. All Fei had to do was imagine Quin in front of him and his leg would obediently walk.
Fei stopped for a second, resting his leg and taking full deep breaths. He was happy, damn it, happier than he had ever been in his life. He had Quin by his side, and he knew she was all he would ever need to get by in the world. Every moment shared with her was engraved deeply in his heart. He remembered her every gesture, every word like he remembered his own name.
But all good things that came to him were always accompanied by a dark cloud that loomed over him, threatening to destroy whatever happiness he had. It seemed to be an inevitable thing, something that was destined to rule over his life. It's always been like that, he thought as he straightened out his body and continued on his walk down the hall.
This time, it was Chin Chin. Of course, it was her. It was always her. Fei may not feel love for this woman anymore, but she always had the power to make Fei feel a variety of other things - guilt, responsibility, and such. Her leg, her suffering, all she gone through for him. All the promises he had broken. Their baby who never had a chance to see the world.
All part of his past, and he still could not put it down completely. But then how could he? After all, he was the one who had done Chin Chin wrong. He didn't want to add to this "sin" of his, and so he had vowed that he would, to the best of his ability, make sure every moment of the rest of his life with Quin was spent in happiness.
Fei peered in the kitchen, wondering where Quin could have gone, when he heard a long heavy sigh coming from the living room. He jerked his head around and there Quin was, staring off into space, her eyes blank and her arms folded across her lap.
What could possibly be wrong with Kwan? Fei thought, his eyes searching painfully for some clue. Quin had been acting weird ever since she returned home from work that evening. She had immediately disappeared into the bedroom, saying that she had some files to look over, and when she finally came out for dinner - which Fei cooked, he had certainly turned over a new leaf and become a caring and tender Fei - she had been tense and unresponsive, as if her mind was somewhere else. Fei wrote it off as stress because from what he had heard, she was working on a tough psychological killer murder case with Chi San (remember, Fei hasn't gone back to work because his leg isn't 100% recovered yet).
But now from the looks of it was, it was much more than stress. Something had happened and somehow he knew that it had to do with their relationship.
Fei felt his jaws tighten.
It was all too weird for Man.
Living in Chi San's house, but not sleeping by his side like she used to and instead in the guest room. Seeing him everyday, but not having him kiss her or whisper sweet utterances into her ear.
Man sighed and turned around in her bed, facing the window. The stars shone brightly in the night sky, and for a brief moment, Jo entered her mind. She still couldn't believe he had left her all alone to fend for herself when her very sanity was being threatened. After all that talk about loving her and promising to take care of her, this was their ultimate fate of their relationship. He left her.
He promised way too much. Men who promise too many things usually are the ones who can't keep promises and end up hurting you, Man reflected, Jo was doomed right from the start.
Well he wasn't completely heartless, Man reminded herself as she turned her back towards the starry night sky, At least he told Chi San what happened.
Chi San, after learning from Jo about what she was going through, had immediately went out on a crazed search for her. When he did finally find her, he had forced her to move in with him, afraid that she did not have the capability to take care of herself. He was right, of course, but she had initially refused. After all, she did not feel any overwhelming desire to see Chi San and Ting Ting's sweet love story played out right in front of her eyes everyday. But her savings were running low, and when her landlord had her evicted from her apartment because she had stopped paying rent, she had no choice but to follow Chi San home.
That had been two weeks ago, but she still wasn't sure if it was for the better. After all, she was still in love with Chi San (something that had taken her forever to accept), but his heart was not with her at all.
Tong Sum was still a barrier between them and Man suspected it would remain that way forever. Too much had happened between the three of them. Too much for Man and Chi San's fragile relationship to survive.
And now, he also had Ting Ting.
He still cared greatly for her. There was no doubt about that or why else would he give her his spare guest room to live in and at no cost? It warmed her to the heart that she was still somewhat important to him, but love? That was definitely not what was going on here.
This was rooted in friendship, two people that had known each other since their university days and had always been there for each other. Perhaps Chi San felt a sense of obligation. Or perhaps it was done out of routine; so used to taking care of her was he that he did it almost subconsciously, without thinking about the why. Then there was always Tong Sum; perhaps he felt a need to take the place of Tong Sum as Man's best friend and protector.
Whatever the case, it was not out of love. It's not out of love, Man repeated in her thoughts, almost forcefully, as if she wanted that engraved deeply in her brain. It was all she could do to stop herself from having silly fantasies of a future with Chi San as his wife. It's not out of love.
Chi San's love…well, Chi San's love was reserved solely for Ting Ting now.
Man shook the thoughts from her head, commanding herself to stop thinking about such nonsense, and closed her eyes. Right now, she couldn't afford the time or energy to think about love; right now, she had to concentrate on regaining her sanity, on fighting her disorder.
Fighting a battle I probably won't win, the sarcastic thought the last thing that went through her mind before sleep overcame her fatigued body…
She had no idea where she was; her surroundings were nothing but blackness, light something that seemed to be nonexistent. The darkness pushed against her, making her short of breath. All she could feel was pain, pain so blinding she felt she was choking.
She moved around in the shadows, her hands outstretched in front of her, her eyes squinting to penetrate through the darkness. Where was she? How had she ended up here frightened and alone? She wanted desperately to escape, but she was trapped with nowhere to run.
Suddenly, the floor beneath her disappeared. Alarm blared in her when she felt herself falling. The darkness was swallowing her whole and flinging her against nothingness.
A sudden stretch of light shined down on her from above. She snapped her head up towards the source, but the intensity, the brightness blinded her. Her eyes shut instantly and her arms flew to her eyes and masked herself from the light.
The light tore through her heart and spread through her body, from her head to her toes. It was so intense she felt she was on fire. She flailed around mindlessly to protest the heat until she could stand it no longer and her throat exploded with a piercing scream.
But no sounds escaped from her throat. The scream remained lodged in her windpipe, choking her until she felt her lungs ready to burst.
And there she was, a lone soul drifting aimlessly through the air.
Man jolted awake in bed, her breaths deep and raspy, beads of perspiration dotting her forehead. Her whole inside trembled and whimpers escaped her lips.
In the battle against her fears that leaked out from the dark breaches of her mysterious unconscious mind, Man was beginning to lose. Or perhaps she had been losing all along for she had been discouraged right from the start and was waging this "war" with the sentiments of a losing side.
Mindlessly, Man began to cry.
The cries of the baby erupted though the tiny room. He waved his small hands frantically and thrashed his legs about in the air, crying out for his mother, for anyone who would be able to offer a comforting bottle.
Chin Chin sat up in bed abruptly, her mind muddled and hazed. The sweet sensation of her dream lingered on in her mind and crept to her heart through her body, giving her warmth. Fei. He's right here beside me, offering me his protective arm and never ending love. Just like he promised.
The baby's cries intensified and threw Chin Chin's mind back into reality. The smile disappeared from her face as she realized it was just a dream. A dream of the life Fei had once promised her, the life she could've had. If only things had turned out differently. Stop thinking such nonsense, she commanded herself and gave her head a gentle shake in a vain attempt to erase Fei from her thoughts.
She picked up her exhausted body and padded barefoot (and one artificial leg) over to the wooden crib next to her bed. She peered at four-month-old Tsui Cheuk Nam and laid a gentle hand on his forehead. "Shh, Cheuk Nam, Mommy's here," she whispered into the dark night. She lifted the baby from the crib and took him in her arms. "Hungry, aren't you?"
As Chin Chin settled herself in a rocking chair, she poised the bottle of milk on her son's lips. He greedily sucked it into his mouth and began taking great gulps.
"You really are like your father," she chuckled sadly, Fei once again entering into her mind, "Impatient, always rushing to satisfy yourself."
At the thought of Fei, a tear found its way to the corner of her eye and slid down her cheek. How strange things had turned out! She was a single mother, handicapped and unemployed, renting a tiny room in a run-down apartment. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined this was how she would end up. Never had she imagined Fei would love someone other than her. And more than her.
Chin Chin placed the baby bottle down on a nearby table and rested her son on her shoulders. With rapid movements of her hand, she brushed Cheuk Nam's back until a loud burp escaped from his lips. The end of his nighttime feeding should have eased Cheuk Nam into peaceful slumber, but Chin Chin found him staring at her with his wide eyes.
"Why aren't you sleeping, little baby?" she asked softly. She rose from the rocking chair and with Cheuk Nam resting on her chest, she began pacing the room, her lips humming in hopes to lull him to sleep.
The notes of "Rock a Bye Baby" drifted into Cheuk Nam's ears, soothing him, and his eyes began to droop. Chin Chin, exhausted from late night feedings and her daily attempts to find a job, also began to doze off as her feet slowed down. Mother and baby entered dreamland together until subconsciously "Rock a Bye Baby" melted into another song.
"Big Big World"
As Chin Chin's lips droned on, she became fully alert, her ears finally realizing what her lips were singing. I still can't forget the past, she thought bitterly, the sting of her tears blazing her eyes. It had been so long already, but yet he was still etched on her heart, unrelenting. But how could she possibly forget someone she had once sacrificed her life for?
The sudden disruption of the lullaby startled Cheuk Nam and his eyes shot open. Sensing his mother's emotional turmoil, his face twisted into convulsions and his mouth opened wide, strong and shrill cries piercing the silence of the night.
"Oh, Cheuk Nam, I know, I know," Chin Chin whimpered as she rested her lips on her son's forehead, "You miss your father, don't you? I do, too."
Someone knocked on her door. Chin Chin wiped the tears from her face with the back of her sleeve and with crying baby in her arms, opened the door.
It was her landlady.
The woman looked at Chin Chin and the bawling baby, a look of sympathy overcoming her face. "Miss Leung, I - I'm sorry about this. But my husband and I just discussed this and I'm afraid you're going to have to leave tomorrow."
"But, Mrs. Chow, " Chin Chin pleaded, "where am I going to go? You can't do this."
A look washed over the Mrs. Chow's face, one mixed with guilt and sympathy. "I'm sorry, Miss Leung. My whole family has to wake up early in the morning to go to school and to work, but your son cries every single night, waking us. We need our sleep."
"I understand," Chin Chin whispered, her eyes threatening to spill over with tears again.
Mrs. Chow took one last glance at mother and baby, and with a guilty sigh, turned to leave, closing the door behind her.
Chin Chin slumped down to the ground, hugging Cheuk Nam against her breast tightly. Why do they all turn their back on me? They leave, feel guilty for a little, and then they can just forget me. As if I never existed.
Bitterly, she grabbed the nearest object - the baby bottle - and threw it against the wall. It popped open and remnants of the milk splashed onto the wall. Her outburst did not soothe her, but instead had the opposite affect. She lost complete control now and her tears began flowing freely, drenching Cheuk Nam's willowy hair, her lips quivered in anguish, trembling in tempo with her shivering body, her heart beat violently against her chest, bringing a dull ache that spread throughout.
What had I ever done to deserve this?
As Chin Chin's tears slowed down and sobs subsided, so did Cheuk Nam's. Weak from crying, his eyes drooped and he fell into a deep sleep. She stared down at his son, at the features of his face that so closely resembled his father, and suddenly she felt so exhausted.
It was all too much for her 27-year-old handicapped body to handle. As rebellious and naughty as she might have been, she had always been a fragile flower, needing to be taken care of, first by her brother and then by Fei. How could she have ever thought she could raise a baby all by herself?
I can't do this.
I can't do this all by myself.
Chi San could not bring himself to sleep, his mind blazed with questions that kept him wide awake.
How Man had changed. After living with her these past two weeks, Chi San realized the extent to which Man had been affected by her disorder. Her mood differed every hour of the day. She could be fine, just like her old self, but one hour later, she would be have a cold look on her face and would respond to nothing. Those bouts always scared him for the look of compassion, the warm eyes, the brilliant smile he had once loved about her was no more.
Chi San couldn't help thinking that this was partly his fault. If he had known about this earlier, he would have stepped in immediately and helped her before things got so out of hand. But he hadn't.
How he could he have been so ignorant, so blind to the fact that something was wrong with Man? Why hadn't her drinking set off an alarm ringing in his head and alert him to pay careful attention to her?
The answer was so simple yet Chi San didn't want to admit it. He had been so wrapped up in his own happiness, sharing his world with Ting Ting, he had completely cast Man off. Chi San's guilt rose to his throat. He had been completely happy, even blissful, but Man had been suffering miserably all along.
While Man still loved him.
Chi San gazed at Ting Ting sleeping peacefully next to him. He loved Ting Ting and when he imagined life 20, 30 years down the line, she was the one he saw himself with.
Not Man.
But Chi San knew that somewhere deep down inside his love for Man still burned. Maybe not as brightly as it was once, but it was definitely there, unwilling to be extinguished.
It was because of all this confusion and unanswered questions he had made the decision not to tell Man that their break up a year ago was due to a misunderstanding, a silly misunderstanding much like the one that had taken place years ago atop the hill. A year ago, he truly loved Man and Tong Sum was in no way haunting them. Or then again, maybe Tong Sum did haunt them after all, or else Man wouldn't have just fled after hearing that tape recording. She would've at least stayed to confront Chi San.
We're just not meant to be, Chi San thought, After so many misunderstandings, that should be a clear fact. They just weren't the perfect couple that his was once naïve twenty-year-old self thought they were.
Whatever the reason, whatever the circumstances, it didn't really matter much anymore. The important thing now was how to help Man pick her life back up, how to get her back on track. Chi San was determined to help her, though he wasn't sure how to just yet.
He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Ting Ting tighter, attempting to get some sleep. He was in a blur, at the stage between full consciousness and deep sleep, when sorrowful whimpers threw him back into the world.
His police-trained ears listened intently and he realized it was coming from through the wall, from the room where Man was sleeping. Chi San jumped up immediately and found his way to the next room, bumping into chairs and tables along the way.
Rubbing his elbow, he pushed open the door gently. "Man, are you OK?"
Startled, her tear-filled eyes darted to him and her whimpers turned into full-fledged cries. "Why is this happening to me?"
Chi San took a split second to study Man's appearance and he found himself horrified by what his eyes saw. Not only had she changed mentally, but she had also changed physically. Man's already thin body had lost even more weight, giving her the appearance of anorexia. Dark under eye circles and red blotches marred her once creamy complexion. Her brown eyes, having lost all fire, were dull and lifeless. Her hair, once so smooth and shiny, hung in stringy strands. Her physical health had deteriorated as Man became more and more withdrawn from society.
At once, Chi San was by Man's side, wiping her tear-streaked face with his hands. "What's the matter?"
She started crumbling into his arms, but just as the scent she recognized as his seeped into her nose, she hesitated and drew back. "Nothing," she said, shaking her head wildly.
"Man, you can tell me."
She looked at his open arms. She remembered the feel of his arms supporting her and protecting her, the way he would smooth her hair and look deep into her eyes, telling her that everything would be OK. Oh, how much she wanted to fall into his embrace, shielded from the outside world, without a worry on mind. But she didn't. Something from deep within her told her that it would ultimately lead to pain if she did.
"Nothing," Man repeated.
"Man -"
"Nothing."
"You can't -"
"I said nothing," Man yelled, her voice forceful and cold.
Silence permeated the room. Chi San looked down at the floor, hurt apparent in his eyes. "All right," he finally managed to say, "If you need me, just holler. I'm right next door."
He left the room, closing the door softly behind him.
Quin stared at the television, blankness written all over her face. Her hands were still, poised on her laps. She shivered as a breeze whirled through the dark and goose bumps formed on her bare arms. It was actually a fairly warm night, but Quin could not stop the chill from invading her body.
It was a sense of foreboding, something that had been bothering her ever since that evening. Being a rational psychologist, Quin had never believed in omens, but ever since that fateful afternoon a year and a half ago when she lost her first engagement ring, she had started believing that many things could be predicted, especially if you knew the right signs to look for.
This foreboding she was sensing now was the same one she had felt so long ago. Then, it was because she lost her engagement ring, but now, it was because she had found something she had originally thought was lost.
Leung Chin Chin.
Quin had been heading home after an exhausted day at work when she spotted Chin Chin across the street. She was carrying a bawling baby in her arms.
A baby no older than six months.
Fei's baby.
Fei's baby, she repeated in her thoughts, that had to be Fei's baby. There was no other explanation. Chin Chin never had an abortion. She had simply lied. Sacrificed herself to give me a chance with Fei.
What was she to do now? Pretend nothing had happened and go on lying to Fei? Quin couldn't bring herself to do such a thing. It was too selfish, and it was no way to repay Chin Chin for what she had done.
But could she bring herself to tell Fei? She had been so happy these past few months back by his side, telling him meant throwing that all away. Even if Fei willingly stayed with her, tremendous guilt would ultimately tear them apart.
These questions continued bombarding Quin until she could no longer stand it and sighed exasperatedly.
"Kwan, why aren't you sleeping?"
She turned towards the voice and saw a sleepy Fei staring at her with droopy eyes, his hands raking through his tousled hair. Brushing away the tendril of bangs that hung in her eyes, Quin swallowed a lump in her throat and looked away.
"What's wrong? You've been tense all night." he pressed on.
"I was just thinking."
"About?" By this time, he had joined her on the couch. He wrapped his sturdy arms around her and rested his chin against the side of her head.
Quin settled herself in his embrace and stole a sideway glance at him. "Fei," she started, "what happens if Chin Chin comes back?"
The mention of Chin Chin crept up his back, raising the tiny hairs on his neck. He studied Quin intently - her oval shaped face, that tendril of hair that always fell into her eyes - and asked, "Why are you asking me this all of a sudden?"
"Could you just answer me?"
"That's not going to happen."
"I said 'what if'."
"Are you OK, Kwan?"
"I'm fine," she bit her lip, "I was just thinking and I just wanted to know. Could you answer me? Please?"
Fei shrugged nonchalantly. "I guess I would leave you and go back to Chin Chin."
Quin searched his face for the truth. Was that what he would really do? Would he really leave her after all that they had gone through? She looked away then, wrinkles forming on her forehead. "Really? You would leave me?" she said, her voice small and weak.
"Sor lui (silly girl), I was just playing around. You know I love you more than anything. Since when did you become so doubtful of yourself?" Fei said, his eyebrows scrunching up in confusion. Something was wrong, he could feel it in the depths of bones. It was so unlike Quin to have doubts and ask questions that expressed blatantly a lack of confidence. He placed his hand on her chin and turned her face towards him. "Are you sure you're OK?"
Quin forced a laugh. "Sor lo (silly man), I was playing around too."
"Playing?"
"What's the matter? Can't take a little joke?" she taunted as she jumped up from his arms.
"You're gonna get it this time," Fei said, his eyes narrowing, as he grabbed onto her and the two fell onto the floor.
Quin screeched with delight as they began wrestling. She squirmed to free herself from underneath his body, but he had her pinned down. They looked into each other's eyes and there was a short sweet silence before Fei breathlessly kissed Quin's lips. Her hands slinked up his back and dug through his hair.
Chin Chin took a backseat in Quin's mind.
For now, anyway.
How will the baby be a fourth player in the Quin-Fei-Chin Chin triangle?
When Chi San and Man are stuck together alone in the apartment for one night, what will happen?
What will become of Ting Ting and Chi San's relationship when she decides to go ahead with surgery?
Sigh, what can I say except Sorry?? The past few weeks, I...well I encountered a sort of personal tragedy and had to stop writing. Anyway that's all in the past now and I'm right back on track. Hopefully, further updates will not be interrupted by stuff. I should be back to my usual updating speed, which is every 4, 5 days. So do stay tuned and drop me a note in the guestbook. Ciao! >;p