Junior has just turned 14, so mom tells dad its time to sit him down and explain the basics of life to him.
"But honey, you know how uncomfortable I am about that! Can't you do it?"
"No dear, you're his father, its your responsibility. Just calmly, openly explain to him about the birds and the bees."
So dad agrees. He sits junior down, clears his throat, and says,
"Uh, son, you know where babies come from, right? You know how people make love, and then nine months later a baby is born?"
"Sure, dad, I've known that for a long time."
"Well...see son, its the same with the birds and the bees."

What do you call a midget psychic who breaks out of jail?

A small medium at large

Two drunks were wandering around in the zoo. As they stumbled past the lion's cage, it let out a huge, deafening roar. One of the drunks said, "Let's get out of here, man!" But the other said, "Go ahead and go, I'm staying for the movie!"

Have you heard of that dumb project to find the best joke in the world? The result was some silly anecdote about Holmes and Watson. Here's the real Best Joke in the World. It also explains wage differentials.
[Pretend your name is Bob, and your cousin's name is Cooter]
Bob and Cooter were digging a big latrine pit in the middle of summer. It was hot and humid, and they were missing NASCAR on TV. Every few minutes they would look up enviously at their supervisor, Doug, who sat at the edge of the pit eating an ice cream bar and watching NASCAR on his portable TV. This went on for a few hours. Finally at lunch time, Bob climbed out of the pit and said, "Hey boss, how come we have to slave in the pit all day and you just sit there?"
"Fair question, Bob," replied Doug. "Come over to this tree and I'll explain it."
Bob followed Doug to the tree, and then Doug put his hand on the tree and said, "Ok, Bob, hit my hand as hard as you can."
"Gee, boss, are you sure? I don't want to hurt you," Bob said anxiously.
"No, really, haul off and take your best shot. I won't get angry."
"Ok, boss." So he wound up and punched, but just at the last second, Doug moved his hand, so Bob's fist hit the tree.
"See, Bob, that's why I sit on the edge of the pit, and you have to go down there and dig. Now, go bandage up your hand, its bleeding pretty bad." Vaguely comprehending, Bob shuffled off.
Back in the pit, Cooter asked Bob what Doug had said. Replied Bob, "Well Cooter, its like this." Handing Cooter a shovel, Bob put his hand in front of his own face. "Hit my hand as hard as you can."

A blonde, foolishly talking to her boyfriend on her cell while driving a stick, accidentally backs into some one and dents her fender. She goes to the wisecracking mechanic, who says, "Easy. Take it home, and blow on the exhaust pipe until the fender pops out again." She does so for several hours, with no success. She calls up her blonde friend and explains the problem. Replies the friend, "Silly! You have to roll the windows up first!"

So the same day the blonde decides she really wants a Z3 anyway and puts her car, dented fender and all, on the market. After a week with no inquiries, she calls up her friend again. Says the friend, "K, I know this guy who reverses odometers. He works in the alley behind the theater. Tell him I sent you, and he will make it a lot easier to sell your car." Two weeks later, they're on the phone again. The friend asks about the car. Replies the blonde, "Actually, I took it off the market. I mean, with only 10,000 miles on it, its practically brand new."

A guy went to Israel with his wife and mother-in-law. While they were there the mother-in-law choked on some halvah and died. So the guy goes to the consulate and tries to make arrangements to get her corpse flown back to the States. The consulate says, "It will cost thousands of dollars to do that. Pay $150 and you can get a cheap plot here." But the guy says, "I can't bury her here. I keep hearing that story about that guy that died around here and rose again.

Much funnier: A woman went to the mortician and told him she wanted her just-deceased husband dressed in a black suit for the funeral. The mortician says, "What's wrong with the blue suit he's wearing now?" She says, "I don't like it. Put him in a black suit."
"Well, that will cost a lot extra you know."
"So be it."
So two days later at the funeral she compliments the mortician on his work and asks him how much she owes him for the suit. He says, "Hey, its free. An hour after you left, a woman came in who wanted her husband, who was in a black suit, dressed up in a blue suit. They were about the same size, so all's I had to do was switch heads."

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Cuz it was dead.