As a New Yorker, one of my pet peeves is people always asking me if i've been to the statue of liberty. Do they think I don't realize they're trying to get information about my secret headquarters inside the robes??

The other day I saw Tom Cruise at the gas station. I asked him for $1000, but he wouldn't give it to me. Hummph. Must not have been Tom Cruise after all.

After 30 years at the university, the old dean probably thought he'd seen it all. But then I whipped out my secret death-ray!

You can tell a lot about some one by the way he eats. Like that bum I saw in the park eating bugs and dirt? He was pretty crazy.

To me, a friend is not just some one you hang out with occasionally. A real friend is some one whose place you can crash at with 10 minutes notice. And when you get there, you can drink his beer and watch his TV, and take his car for a spin, and if he complains, you punch him.

Everybody wants a clean, healthy environment, but nobody wants to be the one riding around on a horse with a shotgun, shooting motorists.

It may be "politically incorrect" to say so, but I think everyone should bow down and serve me.

If I were a boxer that got mixed up with the mob, and a mobster told me to throw a fight, I'd tell him his shoelaces were untied. Then, while he's looking down, I'd slap his face. NOW who's giving the orders?

One time as I was driving home, I saw a pillar of smoke in the general direction of my house. As I got closer and closer I got more and more worried. Finally, when I got to my house, I saw that it was my friend Stu's house next door that burned down, not mine. Hey, CLOSE one!

There is a fate worse than dying. Its getting a wet willy, THEN dying.

I think people could communicate better if they paid more attention to each other's nonverbal cues. Like when I blew up my friend Stu's car as a prank, I could tell he was pretty ticked off, cuz he punched me in the face.

One time my buddy Stu said, "I already know about my surprise birthday party on Saturday."

"Hey, how'd U know?" I asked.

"I didn't", he said triumphantly, "But I do now! Ha!"

In the end though, I guess I had the last laugh, cuz there wasn't really any party.