June 28th, 2001:
Today students, it is time for me to answer some reader mail. Every now and then I like to read my fan mail, and keep in touch with the mental peasants who enjoy this site daily. Our first letter comes to us from lil Billy Chesswick, who's at the tender age of 12.

Dear Professor Snarf,
I'm starting to grow hair in strange places. Am I turning into a furry dog like you? We live next to a radio tower.
Billy

Well Billy, I'm am not a furry dog. I am in fact a highly intelligent person. Could a furry dog have an IQ of 385? I think not. Now to answer your question, the reason you're growing hair on your privates is because you are a little bastard.
Yours truly,
The Professor


Professor Snarf,
Your rent is 3 months overdue. If you do not pay in full by this Friday, you will be evicted. Quite frankly Mr. Snarf we have been extremely lenient since last month's prostitute fiasco. This is your final warning.
Maggie Swimwort,
Royal Arms Apartments

Dear Ms. Swimwort,
With all due respect, bite my ass. I will pay the due rent as soon as you fix my bookcase. My copy of Three Men in a Boat is on the floor, my good woman! Is that any way to treat Victorian comedic prose? Fix my bookcase and go screw yourself  for good measure. You look like you could use it!
Yours truly,
The Professor


June 27th, 2001:
Even Professor Snarf is pissed off about Anarchy Online, and he doesn't even like video games. He'll be back tomorrow.

June 26th, 2001:
Wha? Who said the thundertank swam? God damned monkian smelly. berbils make bubblegum sense.  - Professor Snarf, June, 2001
Zer031 here. Um, I think the Professor is a little out of it today, so lets just read Vort's new article.

The Great Import Controversy by Mr. Vort
The latest and greatest news in The Risen ranks, is the Great Import Controversy.  Like a herd of pregnant women stampeding to sale of Lard and Pickles at the local Winn Dixie, the import craze has run through each of our bowels in some form or another. 

In the aftermath of this vicious phenomenon, one can see a clear and defined line.  This line separates the V.1 Patriots from the V.2 Rebels, more than the 18th parallel ever separated North and South Lodis. 

Now, before our very frame rimmed glasses, the unthinkable is happening.  We see brother vs. brother, sister vs. sister, man vs. wife, and even Pie vs. Teg.

The V.2 rebels compel the V.1 Patriots with love of riches and promises of an easier life. What they often fail to mention is the complete annihilation of their previous selves.  The corruption of the very fabric which cause their yearning to become a Level 100 Lord.

The V.1 patriots have said that the complete destruction of their history is too great a price to pay, even for magnums with laser sights.  But even as the words leave their mouths, visions of the dark side dance through their brains.

Day by day, the V.1 Patriots lose another loved one to the pleasures promised by the sleeker, more compelling, V.2.  For some it is the portraits of Hildebears spewing Megid.  For others, the cool sweet feel of monkey bars against their bronzed flesh.   And for some, it’s just having their names in yellow.

I for one stand as a Patriot.  I will not forsake my V.1 heritage.  No matter what the wait, no matter what erotic secrets are whispered into my ears.  I will weather the storm and be a better man for it.  Plus Mrs.Vort says “No!”.


June 25th, 2001:
Today we have an article from a Mr. True Xero about the dangers of housing wildlife aboard Pioneer 2. This was originally printed in the Ragol Tribune, and we reproduced it without permission. F@#k you Tribune, and that one star review you gave my autobiography! - Professor Snarf, June, 2001

Do Not Feed the Animals!
As all of you have noticed,  Sonic, Miles aka, "Tails", Kunckles and Eggman have been living on Pioneer 2.  Although they look friendly, you should not feed them.  Reasons why are as follows:
Sonic has spines, hmm think about it.
Knuckles punches.... a lot.  Do you like being punched?
Tails has 2 tails, can u trust something with 2 tails?
Eggman has guns, they shoot.  He's evil.  Are you that dumb?
Recently a young Racast named "Raiden" was attacked while giving Sonic a Dimate.  The poor kid didn't see  it coming.  He has been with the nurse for about a week now. Not that he minds. 
There have been rumors of Sonic attacking the Principal, but when we went to find out, he was "unavailable to comment".  Although we did not get any actual proof,  there was a call for a proctologist, minutes before the rumor started, and Sonic seems to be missing a few quills.
Remember kids, while they may seem cute and cuddly, these animals are ruthless to the core.  DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
 -True Xero

Next time on "Xero's journalistic pursuit", proving or disproving the rumor that Snarf and Pikachu are related.  Until next time, Xero out

June 24th, 2001:
Many of you are Thundercats fans, and many of you ask me questions about my days on that series. Nobody asks me about my seven years prior playing Magical Mr. Mistoffelees on Broadway. Nor are they interested in my 27 part PBS  mini series on Sumarian glass blowing. No, people want to know about Cheetarah's underpants, my relationship with Ma-Mutt, and my candy fruit addiction.
I accept the fact that the most popular thing I did in my career up until this point was indeed the Thundercats. It's unfortunate, but I am not a fool. I sign autographs at Science Fiction conventions right along side Bill Mumy and Butch Patrick, and make a snarfload of money.  I also indulge Thundercats fans in some behind the scenes stories in hopes they'll buy one of my signed photos. Like the time I had sex with the girl who played Mandora the Evil Chaser in her trailer, and she insisted on keeping that blasted helmet on. Her husky voice, my God her husky voice. Moaning the most filthy sex talk I have ever heard, or ever will hear. Lynxo later told me he could hear us from the set, but that old man could hear John Glenn passing wind on the moon.
I tell kids stories like that, and they usually buy something before the promoters of the convention have security escort me out. Then I take the money I made and head to the nearest pub.
So the moral of this story is Lynxo really did have super hearing in real life as well as the show. The Braille board was a crock of sh!t though.

Zer031 here. Again I apologize to our younger members of The Risen. um... huteki or something I guess...

June 21th, 2001:
Quick revelation here students. I, in all my infinite intelligence, have tricked Sega of America into postponing Phantasy Star Online Version 2 indefinitely. The reason? I own an import shop! Huteki! 

June 20th, 2001:
Professor Snarf sez...
Hello students. Today I'd like to recommend a great comic called The Magical Nympini!  Yes, Nymphini, the vivacious, bodacious, magical tramp braves a jell-o wrestling match to rescue her Magical Mystesticle Wand from the clutches of the dastardly El-Lamo! I give this comic my special 4 sta....<BEEP>

Hey guys, Zer031 here. Sometimes the Professor goes off on these wild tangents about X rated comics like Monkeyjank and stuff like that. Look, the guy has some flaws, but he's really, really smart. I once saw  him complete the Rubik's cube in under 23.2 secinds. I've also seen him do that "Is this a dagger I see before me" crap from Hamlet or Taming of the Shrew or one of those plays. So anyway, give the guy a break. Everyone has their vices. Me? I enjoy collecting mittens. So sue me. Now we rejoin Professor Snarf, in mid-tirade...

<BEEP> ...umpkin. So class, make sure you head out and buy The Magical Nympini, available at your local bookstore as soon as humanly possible. And for God sake can one of you put a candy fruit on my desk sometime? You people owe me you know! Thank you, good night.

June 19th, 2001:
You know kids, Professor Snarf is old, tired, and sometimes, well preoccupied. So sometimes I need another voice on this page. That voice, today and in the future, is one Mr. Vort, scholar and Head Writer for The Risen. Here's his first article where he reveals the meaning of the word Huteki. - Professor Snarf, June, 2001

Hutekiology by Mr. Vort
Well it seems that Huteki is spreading across the world.   Everywhere you go, every man, woman and idiot are talking about Huteki.   When I go to the grocery store, the clerk manages to slip me a little Huteki. When I walk down the street, a racing pinto throws me
a little Huteki.  When at the local parlor for my regular Russian Buttocks Massage, the beautiful AND scantly clad masseuse will squeeze out a little Huteki.

So one would think that the world was becoming a better place.  But the sad truth is that the world, in general, is nothing but a stupid castrated sheep.  Ninety Percent of the Huteki’ing populace ask the same question….”What is Huteki?”!   It is unbelievable that a large amount of people would just go around Huteki'ing here and Huteki'ing there, without any idea what Huteki means.   Has our populace become so shallow to try anything and everything, regardless of consequences, just to be popular? 

Well to cease this lemming mindset, I will reveal to the world the meaning of Huteki. 

It all began as a greeting.  Huteki was the official greeting of the Risen.  Risen members would shout HUTEKI!! Upon seeing one another, along with various other rituals which we will discuss some other time. Shortly after Huteki’s introduction into the world, it was attacked by Muteki.  It would seem that Muteki had designs of becoming a clans official greeting, and would squash Huteki if it so much a slurped down an oyster in protest.  However, Muteki’s reign of terror was short lived.  Several risen commandos made it
known to all that Muteki sounded like a vomiting cow, and that chicks dug Huteki.   Ten Minutes later, Huteki was back in power.

Since then Huteki has lived a quite life outside of Greenwich.  It has a nice cottage, with a splendid view of the lake.  These days, Huteki lives a nice and peaceful life.  It’s role in the Risen has evolved from a simple greeting to meaning almost anything. Huteki now could act like a noun, a verb, an adjective, or a 500-pound sumo wrestler singing “I’ll do it my way”.  One of the most amazing phenomena is that Risen members always seem to understand the how Huteki is being used in any given sentence and what Huteki might mean in that same sentence.

So there is your brief history of Huteki.  Please be a little more responsible when you Huteki someone in the future.   The Huteki you save, might just be your own.

June 18th, 2001:
Today, I bring you the first entry in the Huteki Poetry contest, currently being held over in that hellhole, the Gamefaqs PSO message board. This fine work is brought to you by a Mr. Demf Cane, and I think you'll enjoy it.

(Untitled)
Oh how I Huteki!
Lovely lesbian buttafly
Oh how I Huteki!
When you ride my pipe from Pioneer 1 to the forest
Oh how I Huteki!
I have risen for you
Oh how I Huteki!
My Monolith has never fallen
Oh how I Huteki!
My GUSH Cannon explodes photons wide
Oh how I Huteki!
Now back to the lobby
Huteki!, Oh how I

Bravo Mr. Cane! Bravo!!!