June 28th, 2001:
Today students, it is time for me to answer some
reader mail. Every now and then I like to read my fan mail, and keep in
touch with the mental peasants who enjoy this site daily. Our
first letter comes to us from lil Billy Chesswick, who's at the tender
age of 12.
Dear Professor Snarf,
I'm starting to grow hair in strange places. Am I turning into a furry
dog like you? We live next to a radio tower.
Billy
Well Billy, I'm am not a furry dog. I am in fact a highly intelligent
person. Could a furry dog have an IQ of 385? I think not. Now to answer
your question, the reason you're growing hair on your privates is
because you are a little bastard.
Yours truly,
The Professor
Professor Snarf,
Your rent is 3 months overdue. If you do not pay in full by this Friday,
you will be evicted. Quite frankly Mr. Snarf we have been extremely lenient
since last month's prostitute fiasco. This is your final warning.
Maggie Swimwort,
Royal Arms Apartments
Dear Ms. Swimwort,
With all due respect, bite my ass. I will pay the due rent as soon as
you fix my bookcase. My copy of Three Men in a Boat is on the floor, my
good woman! Is that any way to treat Victorian comedic prose? Fix my
bookcase and go screw yourself for good measure. You look like you
could use it!
Yours truly,
The Professor
June 27th, 2001:
Even Professor Snarf is pissed off about Anarchy
Online, and he doesn't even like video games. He'll be back tomorrow.
June 26th, 2001:
Wha? Who said the thundertank swam? God damned
monkian smelly. berbils make bubblegum sense. - Professor Snarf, June, 2001
Zer031 here. Um, I think the Professor is a little out of it today, so lets
just read Vort's new article.
The Great Import Controversy by Mr. Vort
The latest and greatest news in The Risen ranks, is the Great Import
Controversy. Like a herd of pregnant women stampeding to sale of
Lard and Pickles at the local Winn Dixie, the import craze has run
through each of our bowels in some form or another.
In the aftermath of this vicious phenomenon, one can see a clear and
defined line. This line separates the V.1 Patriots from the V.2
Rebels, more than the 18th parallel ever separated North and South Lodis.
Now, before our very frame rimmed glasses, the unthinkable is happening.
We see brother vs. brother, sister vs. sister, man vs. wife, and even
Pie vs. Teg.
The V.2 rebels compel the V.1 Patriots with love of riches and promises
of an easier life. What they often fail to mention is the complete
annihilation of their previous selves. The corruption of the very
fabric which cause their yearning to become a Level 100 Lord.
The V.1 patriots have said that the complete destruction of their
history is too great a price to pay, even for magnums with laser sights.
But even as the words leave their mouths, visions of the dark side dance
through their brains.
Day by day, the V.1 Patriots lose another loved one to the pleasures
promised by the sleeker, more compelling, V.2. For some it is the
portraits of Hildebears spewing Megid. For others, the cool sweet
feel of monkey bars against their bronzed flesh. And for
some, it’s just having their names in yellow.
I for one stand as a Patriot. I will not forsake my V.1 heritage.
No matter what the wait, no matter what erotic secrets are whispered
into my ears. I will weather the storm and be a better man for it.
Plus Mrs.Vort says “No!”.
June 25th, 2001:
Today we have an article from a Mr. True Xero about
the dangers of housing wildlife aboard Pioneer 2. This was originally
printed in the Ragol Tribune, and we reproduced it without permission.
F@#k you Tribune, and that one star review you gave my autobiography! - Professor
Snarf, June, 2001
June 24th, 2001:
Many of you are Thundercats fans, and many of you ask
me questions about my days on that series. Nobody asks me about my seven
years prior playing Magical Mr. Mistoffelees on Broadway. Nor are they
interested in my 27 part PBS mini series on Sumarian glass
blowing. No, people want to know about Cheetarah's underpants, my
relationship with Ma-Mutt, and my candy fruit addiction.
I accept the fact that the most popular thing I did in my career up
until this point was indeed the Thundercats. It's unfortunate, but I am
not a fool. I sign autographs at Science Fiction conventions right along
side Bill Mumy and Butch Patrick, and make a snarfload of money. I
also indulge Thundercats fans in some behind the scenes stories in hopes
they'll buy one of my signed photos. Like the time I had sex with the
girl who played Mandora the Evil Chaser in her trailer, and she insisted
on keeping that blasted helmet on. Her husky voice, my God her husky
voice. Moaning the most filthy sex talk I have ever heard, or ever will
hear. Lynxo later told me he could hear us from the set, but that old
man could hear John Glenn passing wind on the moon.
I tell kids stories like that, and they usually buy something before the
promoters of the convention have security escort me out. Then I take the
money I made and head to the nearest pub.
So the moral of this story is Lynxo really did have super hearing in
real life as well as the show. The Braille board was a crock of sh!t
though.
Zer031 here. Again I apologize to our younger
members of The Risen. um... huteki or something I guess...
June 21th, 2001:
Quick revelation here students. I, in all my infinite
intelligence, have tricked Sega of America into postponing Phantasy Star
Online Version 2 indefinitely. The reason? I own an import shop! Huteki!
June 20th, 2001:
Professor Snarf sez...
Hello students. Today I'd like to recommend a great comic called The
Magical Nympini! Yes, Nymphini, the vivacious, bodacious, magical
tramp braves a jell-o wrestling match to rescue her Magical Mystesticle
Wand from the clutches of the dastardly El-Lamo! I give this comic my
special 4 sta....<BEEP>
Hey guys, Zer031 here. Sometimes the Professor goes off on these wild tangents about X rated comics like Monkeyjank and stuff like that. Look, the guy has some flaws, but he's really, really smart. I once saw him complete the Rubik's cube in under 23.2 secinds. I've also seen him do that "Is this a dagger I see before me" crap from Hamlet or Taming of the Shrew or one of those plays. So anyway, give the guy a break. Everyone has their vices. Me? I enjoy collecting mittens. So sue me. Now we rejoin Professor Snarf, in mid-tirade...
<BEEP> ...umpkin. So class, make sure you head
out and buy The Magical Nympini, available at your
local bookstore as soon as humanly possible. And for God sake can one of
you put a candy fruit on my desk sometime? You people owe me you know!
Thank you, good night.
June 19th, 2001:
You know kids, Professor Snarf is old, tired, and
sometimes, well preoccupied. So sometimes I need another voice on
this page. That voice, today and in the future, is one Mr. Vort, scholar
and Head Writer for The Risen. Here's his first article where he reveals
the meaning of the word Huteki. - Professor
Snarf, June, 2001
Hutekiology by Mr. Vort
Well it seems that Huteki is spreading across the world.
Everywhere you go, every man, woman and idiot are talking about Huteki.
When I go to the grocery store, the clerk manages to slip me a little
Huteki. When I walk down the street, a racing pinto throws me
a little Huteki. When at the local parlor for my regular Russian
Buttocks Massage, the beautiful AND scantly clad masseuse will squeeze
out a little Huteki.
So one would think that the world was becoming a better place. But
the sad truth is that the world, in general, is nothing but a stupid
castrated sheep. Ninety Percent of the Huteki’ing populace ask
the same question….”What is Huteki?”! It is
unbelievable that a large amount of people would just go around
Huteki'ing here and Huteki'ing there, without any idea what Huteki
means. Has our populace become so shallow to try anything
and everything, regardless of consequences, just to be popular?
Well to cease this lemming mindset, I will reveal to the world the
meaning of Huteki.
It all began as a greeting. Huteki was the official greeting of
the Risen. Risen members would shout HUTEKI!! Upon seeing one
another, along with various other rituals which we will discuss some
other time. Shortly after Huteki’s introduction into the world, it was
attacked by Muteki. It would seem that Muteki had designs of
becoming a clans official greeting, and would squash Huteki if it so
much a slurped down an oyster in protest. However, Muteki’s
reign of terror was short lived. Several risen commandos made it
known to all that Muteki sounded like a vomiting cow, and that chicks
dug Huteki. Ten Minutes later, Huteki was back in power.
Since then Huteki has lived a quite life outside of Greenwich. It
has a nice cottage, with a splendid view of the lake. These days,
Huteki lives a nice and peaceful life. It’s role in the Risen
has evolved from a simple greeting to meaning almost anything. Huteki
now could act like a noun, a verb, an adjective, or a 500-pound sumo
wrestler singing “I’ll do it my way”. One of the most
amazing phenomena is that Risen members always seem to understand the
how Huteki is being used in any given sentence and what Huteki might
mean in that same sentence.
So there is your brief history of Huteki. Please be a little more
responsible when you Huteki someone in the future. The
Huteki you save, might just be your own.
June 18th, 2001:
Today, I bring you the first entry in the Huteki
Poetry contest, currently being held over in that hellhole, the Gamefaqs
PSO message board. This fine work is brought to you by a Mr. Demf Cane,
and I think you'll enjoy it.
(Untitled)
Oh how I Huteki!
Lovely lesbian buttafly
Oh how I Huteki!
When you ride my pipe from Pioneer 1 to the forest
Oh how I Huteki!
I have risen for you
Oh how I Huteki!
My Monolith has never fallen
Oh how I Huteki!
My GUSH Cannon explodes photons wide
Oh how I Huteki!
Now back to the lobby
Huteki!,
Oh how I
Bravo Mr. Cane! Bravo!!!