(Guests are received at the Hall by Lord Toad who is accompanied by the Rt Hon Lord Jenks of Oxon, and are announced by the Resident Town Crier, Ratty. Members of the Riverbank community have already taken their places on the lower balcony and clap rhythmically as each guest arrives while in the minstrels' gallery overhead the Riverbank reed and percussion band conducted by Vernie Vole gives a noisy rendering of the opening bars of 'See, the Conquering Hero'. The Riverbank Mixed Choir of 150 voices occupies the upper gallery, known locally as the 'Gods')

Ratty: His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales and Mrs Penelope Hunter Stalls .

Toad: Welcome to our humble abode Sir.

Jenks: A great honour Sir. (Addressing HRH's lady) I hope you are well Madam.

Mrs H-S: No I am not. Thrown by my bloody horse yesterday. Damned sore.

Ratty: The Home Secretary, the Rt Hon Jack Strawcastle and Mrs Strawcastle.

(Toad turns away discreetly)

Jenks: An early bird Home Secretary. Not undoing too much of my good work I hope.

Strawcastle: Not at all old bean. Not much to undo is there? (Toad has a fit of croaking).

Ratty: The Prime Minister, the Rt Hon Anthony Snare and Mrs Cherry Snare, and the Deputy PM, the Rt Hon Mr Bill Puggstock

Toad: Ah, PM. So good of you to come, especially with so much unfinished business on your plate.

PM: Artful as ever Toad, eh? I can take a hint as well as the next. Any more digs and I'll set the wife on you.

Toad: The leader of Her Majety's loyal Oppositiion, the Rt Hon Mr Will Vague.

(A bevy of Lords and Ladies from the Other Place arrives resplendent in scarlet gowns and tricorn hats, led by Lady Brighteyes, Lords Hasselbank and Braggadoon.

(Introductions cease as Toad bangs the lectern with his gavel and calls the assembly to order.)

Toad: Royal Highness, Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen. Colleagues and Friends, Creatures Great and Small - Hmmm, if I may say so, Hmmmm. What a glittering assembly. I am honoured and, indeed, flattered. As you will observe, dear guests, I have at my side an old and valued friend, Lord Jenks of Oxon, a distinguished figure in our political and academic life. And I hear a striking figure these days at our old alma mater, eh Jenks?

(Jenks rises, doffs his mortar board to Himself and sits down again to the accompaniment of 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow').

Toad: A fine heap of intellectual baggage if ever I saw one, eh Jenks? My star and garters, what a lot of my contemporaries have landed up in the Other Place! (Music and cheers from the gallery) How are the mighty enhanced by a touch of ermine, eh PM? (Another burst of music and loud laughter). But enough of my quips, amusing as they may be. HRH, Ladies and Gents, the time has come to declare the meeting open and to ask the PM to initiate the debate.

Avril Hare: Ooo I say, INITIATE. Aren't we lucky to have such a clever leader.

Toad: You know the expression 'harebrained' my friends. As I was about to say, please come forth PM and point us in the direction of the Millennium; give us a taste of the delectable brew that I feel sure the wise men of New Labour have concocted in four years of government. A big hand for the PM eh? (Cheers, loud croaking, barking and twittering from the assembly, and 'See the Conquering Hero' from the percussion players).

PM: I will come straight to the point, fellow guests.

Avril Hare: Hooray for the Prime Minister.

PM: As I say, straight to the point. In a nutshell - Education, Education, Education.

Brighteyes: Sorry to interrupt PM, but I rather thought you agreed in Cabinet it was 'The Economy, stupid!'

Cherry Snare (sotto voce): Silly bitch. Expect she was chatting up Strawcastle at the time.

PM: Don't let's get caught up in slogans. What matters is that the electorate renews our mandate to carry on doing good, bringing advancement, fairness, compassion and joy unconfined to a population that - if I may coin a phrase - has never had it so good. In brief, constructing a lake of the clearest, bluest water between us and that shower under Willy Vague that calls itself...

(Vernie Vole raises his baton and the Riverbank Choral Society joins the band in a spontaneous rendering of the Hallelujah Chorus, while Willie Vague loudly demands that the PM give way.

PM: Alright, just this once.

Vague: Here he goes again. Blowing his own trumpet. If he's not careful he'll emulate an earlier trumpeter and bring the house down around his ears. (laughter from the Lords and Ladies) As leader of the Opposition I warn this nation that the Rt Hon gentleman is planning to give away this country's independence to a bunch of foreign...

Bernie Badger: Racist swine.

Hephzibah Pot-Gizzard: Beg pardon Badger.

Badger: Sorry Heph.

Vague: These thinly disguised Bolshevik asides don't impose on me for a second. I know the game. I know who's a patriot and who isn't. I know who's willing to sell out this land of ours for a few measly Euros, if they're ever likely to be able to count in metric units, which I doubt. (Loud blast on trumpet from Minstrel's Gallery). I'll tell what the people of this country want. Tax cuts. That's what they want and I'm going to give 'em tax cuts. Eight billion quid worth...Put that in yer pipe and smoke it Mr Snare.

(Chorus from Turtle-Doves in loft) Coo, coo, coo-ey

Avril Hare: Well, it's not much if you say it quickly.

Sir Reynold Fox: I ask the Rt Hon gentleman to give way.

Vague: No, I have a lot to say and to give way to the Hon gentleman would be a

waste of time. We all know his views, confined as they are to a single subject, only too well. Now as I was saying...

Fox: I ask again. Will the Rt Hon gentleman...

Ratty (ringing his bell furiously): Foul! Foul!

Fox: I want to ask both the PM and the Leader of the Opposition a simple question.

Vague: We all know what's bothering Sir Reynold. But he'll have to sweat I'm afraid.

Mrs Hunter Stalls: Hear hear. Hear hear.

Vague: What I want to know is what's all this about education...

Badger: Those psychos at Maff could do with a mite of education - idiots!

PM: When I said I would give way I did not intend that the Rt Hon gentleman should usurp me. I will go on. Yes, education, I make no apology for recommending education. But there are other priorities: health for example. A nation of sportsmen (sorry Sportspersons) and philosophers, a healthy nation in mind and body, an Attic Renaissance, what could be better? I ask you ladies and...

Vague: Come on, give way.

PM: Shan't.

Vague: (shouting) I must insist. This man wants to give away our country to a bunch of foreigners and all he can think or talk about is some crazy Greek-inspired scam to spend our few remaining quid on education and health.

Lord Hasselbank: Then give way to me. This is becoming a rather farcical duet.

PM: Be brief.

Hassel: I am, of course, of the same party as the Rt Hon gent, but I have to say that I cannot share his concerns. I see no danger in Europe. On the contrary, I see only benefit in alliance with the lands of Wagner and Mozart, Beethoven and Goethe.. and of course of Voltaire and Rousseau...

(Opening bars of the Beethoven 5th from Minstrels' Gallery)

Where I do see an ever present danger is not so much in threats to our currency and national identity posed by Europe but in the loss of our liberties here at home, in the constant threat to our most treasured institutions and customs posed by those long-haired, pierced-eared, muscle-bound...

(Loud chorus of Cooey, Cooey from Turtle-Doves)

Bernie Badger: Hooray, he means the hunting lot.

Hassel: Fool, of course I don't. I mean that ragbag led by my Rt Hon Friend...Just for the record I'm leaving my entire country estate to those splendid people who hunt at Exmoor.

Lord Braggadoon: Well said old fellow.

(Nuts and rotten eggs hail down from the gallery and almost bury Hassel and Bragg.

Jenks: Order, order. I demand order. (Puggstock strides to the forum, grabs Hassel and Bragg by their scruffs and pulls them to safety).

PM: Well done Puggy. Joy through Strength, I say. Eh Toad?

Toad: Well done Puggy. I thought for a moment we would descend into chaos.

Puggstock: All in a day's work gentlemen. But I know the PM has a word of comfort for Sir Reynold and Lady Stagg and all the other guests here today who feel threatened by the likes of Hasselstack and Bragga Whathaveyou and Mrs PB.

PM: Yes of course. I have said it before and I say it again, there will be a bill.

Avril Hare, the Badgers and the Deer (in chorus): Oh yes, there will be a bill. But when Prime Minster? When?

Sir Reynold: Forget the bill. You haven't the slightest intention of enacting the Parliamentary vote. But what of Kyoto?

PM: What about Kyoto?

Sir Reynold: American recalcitrance is what I mean. They are the offenders, but you have done nothing to support the views of your European partners in opposition to the Americans. You support one cause when it suits you and the opposite cause when you come up against prejudice or muscle power. If dear old Vague could see the wood for the trees he'd be doing his job and pointing the finger at you.

Badger: Go it Foxy.

Sir Reynold: What about vivisection. You were going to put a stop to it five years ago. Now you and Strawcastle are its principal advocates, its defenders. What of this obsession you have with law and order and your penchant for retributive justice. What does your Roman Catholic church have to say about that, eh PM? Better ask the missus I suppose.

(Loud chanting and clapping from the balcony and shouts of 'Give it to him Foxy').

PM: (rising from his seat and being met by a torrent of missiles from every angle) I believe in freedom. This government of our is about humans and liberty, not about...

Sir Reynold: A four-legged rabble, eh PM?

Strawcastle: How dare he question our motives.

Mick the Mole: Watch your back Strawcastle. The Countryside Alliance is watching you. Keep yer fuel dry if you get my meaning.

Badger: To return to the PM's argument, it's your election promises, made to cadge a few votes and abandoned with all sorts of specious arguments when you're in power, that is what we question.

Rita Rabbit (from the 'Gods') I say, I say. Toad Sir, may I speak?

Toad: Squeak up girl, squeak up.

Rita: Well Toad, I do think it is mean of these people to make such, such firm promises and then to leave us at the mercy of those awful people with shotguns and mad dogs, and ferrets and knives, and to terrorise us like they do...

Badger: Well said girl, well said. A brave little thing I'll be bound.

Toad: Pity she's such a nitwit.

Hassel: I've had enough of this. They'll be talking about compassion for animals or some such rubbish before you can say Parker Bowles or Up Soames and Atem. Then I'll reach for my gun...

(The auditorium and balconies are by now wild with excitement. Sam Squirrel's mob have occupied one of the VIP boxes where they have assembled an arsenal of hazel nuts. The Exmoor Maff-ia with Badger in charge has occupied another vantage point and armed itself with slings and ivory balls The band is playing the overture to Tannhauser as if its life is at stake).

Strawcastle: This debate is getting out of hand. I'll call the office and summon the police if it doesn't stop.

Prince of Wales: Tally-ho, I say. Yoiks. Let 'em have it.

Mrs H-S: Brilliant, Sir. Absolutely (a volley of gunfire in the auditorium is followed by a hail of nuts from above).

Badger: Right, they've asked for it. Platoon, fire! (The assembly is engulfed by nuts and ivory balls).

Jenks: This is getting out of hand. Decidedly unlawful.

(A single gunshot is heard).

PM: What is it? Nothing scandalous I hope.

Jenks: Oh my God, Hasselbank has shot Sir Reynold.

PM: Oh no, not Foxy. Such a decent fellow Foxy.

Mrs Snare: I suppose he is actually dead.

PM: Oh yes. Hassel's a Deadeye Dick you know. Ask Mrs T.

Toad: Ah well, we'll do you a favour and hold his funeral over until after the election. It's the least we can do, don't yer know.

PM: Thanks Toad. Take it from me, there will be bill, one day.

(Toad, always one for the ladies, puts his arms round Mrs Snare and Mrs H-S and leads the VIPs to the Riverbank lounge. A nice refreshing glass of '74 Streamwater methinks.

HRH: Damned good vintage I seem to remember Toad.