LESSON LEARNED

You would have thought I wouldn’t have been so gullible. I know a person isn’t totally mature by their senior year of college, but jeez. I really blew it. Not only did I humiliate myself, but as soon as my father finds out, mercy. And I guess I can kiss my allowance good-bye. He’ll never give me another cent after this. He will probably disinherit me too. How could I let things escalate this far. What in the world was I thinking? Didn’t I make myself a promise never to fall in love with anyone?
It all started last summer, just before classes were starting. Joanne and I were trying to sell those ‘last years’ books back to the bookstore, because, like always we forgot to do it at the end of ‘last year’. In this little store, there were at least 100 people all trying to either sell or buy, what seemed to be the same book. No one wanted on a different isle or different register. I hate crowds to begin with. But now, packed in a 5 foot square, were 100 noisy, sweaty people, and me. Well, they won. I gave up, just sat the stupid books down on the nearest table and left. Whoever wanted them could have them. I really didn’t need the 20 bucks anyway. My father had paid my way through this ‘education’. He was very generous. Gave me monthly, or sometimes weekly allowances. I’d say it was kind of a buy off. Something to keep me busy so he could spend his time on, ‘what’s-her-name.’ I chose to lose track after the third or fourth woman. Well, anyway. I stormed out of there, Joanne hot on my heels asking all sorts of questions. I told her I just was sick and tired of waiting and had better things to do. She however decided to go back and wait in the enormous line until she got her 20 bucks. I walked across the street to Murphy’s. It was a small pub, locally owned. I liked it because the atmosphere was toned down. This being my Senior year, I was no longer a part of the party crowd. I didn’t enjoy staying up all hours of the night drinking until I threw up. Been there, did that, tired of it. I was more into the socializing and at times even reading and learning something. I was one of the lucky students who could retain most everything I read. I pulled off good grades without much effort. I guess I could attribute that to my genes. Both my parents were "Harvard" material. They graduated in the top 5 % of their respective classes. What else could I be but a genius, huh. Just joking. I am far from genius. Just smart I guess. But not smart enough to see the train that was just about to hit me.
There at Murphy’s was a professor I had seen a couple of times on campus. I wasn’t sure what he taught. He was a bit younger than most of the cheesy old guys that overtook the place. He wasn’t the average leisure suit and tie man. He wasn’t a suit and tie man at all. He was a jeans and T-shirt kind of guy. His hair, that’s what I noticed first. It was about shoulder length, dark brown, almost black. He kept using his hand to brush it out of his eyes. For some reason that made me smile. Maybe I thought it was sexy. Yes, I admit, it made him look sexy. The second thing I noticed was he was looking at me. I acted nonchalant and sat down at a booth. Joe, the bartender, had Sophia bring me a beer. Joe and I were old friends now. I had been coming here for about 2 years. I had my usual spot and my usual drink. That’s when this professor came over and asked if I minded if he sat down. Well, of course I didn’t mind...what was ‘he’ thinking? Now I had dated some, not a lot. Didn’t like the one night stand relationships that usually come with the college crowd. I had no idea this professor would actually ask me out on a date. I figured, maybe since he was relatively new, he just needed someone to introduce him to the campus life and get the gist on the student body. Well, in the back of my mind I kinda hoped he was looking at me, for me. But, like they say, be careful what you wish for. He sat down, and began to asks questions about me, and I did the same of him. Come to find out this was going to be his first full year of teaching at this college. He had came last year to replace Mrs. Coleman who had taken leave when her husband became ill. He taught a beginning business course. That was definitely a class I veered away from. I didn’t ask how old he was, but I guessed late 30’s. He spoke 3 languages and had lived in 4 different countries, and his name was Steve.
Our relationship started from that moment. I was naive enough to believe he was interested in more than a sexual relationship. I assumed that since he was more mature, and had been married before, he too would be looking for something more, something lasting. Boy was I wrong. Just because a man is older and educated, doesn’t make his libido change.
We started seeing each other off campus that week. He would come to my apartment or we would go to dinner, movies, etc. The whole dating thing. It wasn’t until 3 months later that we actually became sexually involved. My friend, Joanne, the psychology major, said I had the ‘Father Complex’. That I was looking for a father figure and that is what I saw in Steve. Now looking back, maybe she was right. He did spend quality time with me. Looked out for my best interest, I thought at the time. And we got along great. We had lots of things in common, like tennis, swimming, riding bikes....even liked the same books. All except the business end of it. I didn’t like dealing with numbers. I was more of a liberal arts kind of person. I love dancing, music, poetry, that kind of stuff. That is what I was studying anyway. Steve would listen to me rant and rave about my work. He would sit and watch musicals with me, without complaining. Steve even volunteered to escort me to the opera. I hadn’t been since high school. That was a wonderful evening. We went to the Cafe’ across the street afterwards and drank coffee until almost two in the morning. Afterwards we went to his place. I fell, I think then, in wild, passionate love with him. Although I had vowed never to fall in love, I did. He made the stars move for me. I never wanted it to end. I never expected it to end. Inside I felt like he was my true love. Not the cheap imitations my father had spent the last several years of his life on. Not the money hungry fools who only wanted daddy’s money for themselves. Steve had no idea who I was. He loved me for myself. Not for the inheritance, not for the name, for me.
Somehow I had fooled myself into believing that. Somehow I had overlooked the inevitable. And somehow, it would end and I would be left hurting, scarred and all alone.
Two weeks before the end of the year, it happened. I was just coming back from my 2:30 class, he was waiting inside the apartment. He was there to tell me Mrs. Coleman was returning next year and he would be leaving. My first reaction was great, I was going to graduate and I could go with him. I hopefully anticipated a proposal. I didn’t get it. Instead I got what I never imagined. He was leaving without me. He said it in such a cold manner, that he didn’t think of bringing me along. It was a student/teacher romance, nothing more. I couldn’t believe it. After all the nights, the days, the talks, the moments, the whole year of . . . everything. My God, how could he not feel the same way I did. How could he just up and leave me, leave our relationship. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t cry, I was in shock. He left me standing in the living room, my books still in my arms. He didn’t even let me set them down before he bombarded me with the news. It was like he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. My whole world began to spin. I felt sick and used and dirty and, I don’t know what else. I cried until I was empty of tears. I cried until my eyes were swollen shut with anger and hurt and deceit. I asked myself a thousand times what I could have done, what I did, what was wrong with me.
Then, I picked myself up from the bottom of the pit I had dug. I picked myself up and washed my tear streaked face. How dare he throw me away like last weeks garbage. How dare he assume I would let go so easily. Did he predict how I would react to his news? Did he imagine that I would be the good little college girl and let him go without so much as a ‘oh no you don’t’. If he did, he didn’t realize how much I had grown in the last few months. He couldn’t have known that a woman of substance was now standing where the girl he had met at Murphy’s just months ago stood. But he would soon find out. What is it they say? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And believe me I was as scorned as they come. I had intentionally not let anyone get close enough for me to fall in love with all my life. Maybe Joanne was right. Maybe I was looking for a father figure in my life. Someone to care about me like I thought my father should have. But it was a little late for that thought now. Hindsight’s 20/20. I know that now. But more can be said about premeditation. I had to plan my revenge. No one was going to get the better of me. My father didn’t, and neither would Steve.
I needed to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I needed to know he felt the kind of pain that would never go away. That thought almost made me smile. How bizarre. How strange that the thought of embedding pain upon the man I loved made me smile. It was like watching one of those Hitchcock movies, only I was the evil, twisted one walking across the screen. What could I do to really hit him below the belt? It took me a while, but I figured it out. Somehow I would get his teaching certificate taken away. I had to discredit him in front of the faculty. His peers would be my allies. I went to the Dean’s office first. Dean Buckly was a good friend of my father’s, therefore he would be on my side. Sometimes it was good to be my father’s daughter. He would more than likely believe my story. After all most of it being half true, a little enhancement on my part. But mostly true. I had been an excellent student, no problems of any kind, came from a most prominent background. Steve, however, was not as conveniently supported as I. He was relatively new here, divorced, bitter divorce I might add. And you can bet I will. I will dig up all the dirt I can find on the creep.
I did dig deep into his past. Not only was the divorce bitter, but another woman was involved. A younger woman. Maybe that was his m.o. Maybe he picked younger woman, lured them into his charming arms and dumped them like rag dolls. Maybe he was some psycho who molested young girls. That would get the Dean’s attention. Just the accusation of it was enough to ruin his reputation. And I was going to play every card I had. And I had one big one.
That evening I wrote everything down. The whole affair. I wrote down the times, the places, the events, everything. I had the phone bills, receipts, the pictures, all copied. Then as a last stinger, I copied the results of my doctors visit just last week. I hadn’t told anyone yet. I was sure it would be the key to his demise. I was the poor little rich girl who had been strung out on a limb by the enchanting professor. Used by a man 15 years older than I. He should have known better. I placed everything inside a large manila envelope. On the front I wrote Dean Buckly’s name. In the morning I would deliver it to his office myself. Sure, I would be embarrassed to admit all this in front of Dean Buckly. But it was more humiliating being used by Steve. I was sure a little more pain wouldn’t kill me. And besides, getting him fired would be a reward for me. Seeing him squirm in front of the Board of Directors would be my happy thought for the day. My father was abroad at the time, so I would have a few weeks before he caught wind of the story. A few weeks to finish school and pack my bags. Funny how my last weeks at college would be more eventful, more memorable, than the entire 4 years combined. That not including the torrid affair with Steve. I would have a reminder of that forever.
Morning came and my appointment with Dean Buckly arrived. He was shocked at first, and compassionate as the tears fell down my cheeks. As I predicted he was on my side. As were the Board of Directors whom the Dean called immediately. He summoned Professor Steve Dosser too. They held a meeting, a hearing of sorts the next day. I was dismissed from them. Dean Buckly said that I shouldn’t have to go through all the ugliness again. After all, he had all the evidence he needed. What could Steve say. What could he do. Not a damn thing.
I sat in the apartment, waiting to hear the outcome. I imagined every scenario there was. The longer I waited the more dramatic the ending would become. I had asked Dean Buckly not to let Professor Dosser know that I was carrying his child. I wanted that to be our little secret. I told him I would take care of the matter myself. I knew he would assume I would have an abortion. But I had no intention of doing that. My heart was fluttering. That would be my secret revenge. A baby he would never know existed. Then the phone rang. I nearly jumped out of my skin. It was Dean Buckly, informing me of their decision. Professor Dosser would be fired immediately. His records from other colleges were just as bleak. Come to find out, he has resigned from his last job when a girl claimed he had brought on unwanted attention upon her. Guess she was a bit smarter than I was. She seen the train coming before it hit her.
I never heard from Steve again. He didn’t try contact me before he left. He didn’t rebuke what I had stated in the papers. He put up no fight of any kind. I almost wished he would have. I wanted to scream and yell at him. To accuse him. To at least slap his face. I wanted to go back to the day he dumped me and react. Not just stand there. What I really wanted to do was to go back to the day it all started and stay in the bookstore with Joanne. Suffering the crowd of sweaty people would be a godsend to what I am suffering now. What I wouldn’t give to not feel the pain of loneliness, emptiness. But what a wonderful feeling I had at one moment. The beauty of loving someone, even for a while was wonderful. I did grow from that experience. I had feelings I thought I would never have. Feelings that I had swore I would never let myself have. And I won’t swear I won’t have them again. But you can bet I will be a heck of a lot more careful. I won’t just let someone sweep me off my feet. And I won’t fall for him just because he likes what I like and takes me places. I’m not sure at this point what it will be like when and if I fall in love again. I’m not even sure I can. One thing I can be sure of though. It was a hard lesson learned.

Chapter 2

Leslie Sue Ashley

1/15/00