NATIONAL FLAGS
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too." ----------------------------
TAX ATTORNEY
A certain tax attorney took on a very complex case of tax evasion for a rather mysterious client. He devoted over a year to the case, familiarizing himself with every
loophole and angle of current legislation, and made a brilliant argument before the court. His client was called out of town when the jury returned with its verdict, a sweeping victory for his client on every count. Flushed with victor, the lawyer
exuberantly cabled his client, "Justice has triumphed!"
A realistic fellow, the client immediately wired back, "Appeal at once!" ----------------------------
BEER
A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees some people he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that no one would steal it. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!" ----------------------------
TAX AUDIT
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an
obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash." -------------------------
DEATH AND TAXES
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'" --------------------------
HARD SALE
A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manger out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."
Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."
"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.
"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?" ----------------------------
Fairy Godmother
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
Well, said the woman, I guess I'd like to be rich.
Poof: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold. And, I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess.
Poof: The Fairy Godmother tuned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
Your third wish? asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse woof.
Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?
Poof: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bentdown, brushing his lips across her ear
as he whispered, "I'll bet you are sorry you had me neutered." ----------------
DAD'S JOB
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed." ---------------------
DOCTOR'S VISIT
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be
my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!" --------------------------------
ROLLS-ROYCE vs A YUGO
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Roll-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb. It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for
a Rolls-Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?! ------------------------------
WAKE ME UP!!!
One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man, "Sir, I really need you to do me a favor. I have to get on this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and I'm sure that I will fall asleep. So, what I want you
to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here is 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up, I get really violent, but no matter what I do or
say, you have to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
The ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later, as the man had said, he did fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man, that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
"Are you stupid or something? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't! I want my money back you $%^@$!"
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them. One turns to the other and says to him, "Look at this guy! He is
so pissed!"
The other guy replies, "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim." -------------------
CRAZY MAN
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry." ---------------------