2.16 "Burning Down the House"

Eric: Oh, reruns, not stupid.
Fez: What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening... hilarity!
Kelso: Yah, no kiddin'... hey-hey-hey! That's just funny!
(Hyde comes in from his room, his pants undone, shirt untucked, and a big red smear on his chin)
Hyde: Hey can you guys, uh, keep it down a bit please?
Donna: Hyde, there's lipstick on your chin...
(Hyde touches his chin and sees the lipstick on his fingers)
Fez: Hyde, why are you putting lipstick on your chin? It's for your lips!
Eric: Hey, maybe he's got a girl back there! So Hyde, who's the lucky lady?
Hyde: I never kiss and tell. (Silence) Kat Peterson.
Donna: (Laughing) Yah right. You're in your bedroom with the most popular girl at school.
Fez: What happened to Farah Fawcett, did her car break down?
(They laugh more)
Hyde: Just keep it down, alright? You're killin' the mood! (Goes back into his room)
Fez: Hyde, there's no mood 'cause there's no one back there!
(Jackie enters)
Jackie: (Kisses Kelso) Hey Micheal. Okay, so we're all set for our big dinner party!
Micheal: (Sarcastic) Oh. Yay. The big dinner party.
Jackie: So here! (Hands Donna an invitation)
Donna: "You and a guest are cordially invited for an evening of chocktails, dinner, and... t.v."
Jackie: The attire is semi-formal casual.
Fez: Ahhh... finally I can wear my tuxedo t-shirt!
Jackie: Oh, sorry Fez, I forgot to invite you and Hyde.
Fez: Oh but it's never too late.
Jackie: Okay bye! (leaves)
Kelso: Don't worry Fez, I'm sure you and Hyde can come.
Jackie: (Opens the door again) No, Micheal, they can't!
Kelso: I know, I get it, they can't come! (Grins at Fez)
Jackie: Come with me! (Grabs Micheal and pulls him out the door) NO!
Eric: Okay, I'll give you 100 bucks if you don't make me go to this party.
Donna: Show me the hundred.
Eric: Damn!
Fez: Well the party's tomorrow night, so I better go home and start putting on cologne now. (leaves)
(Kat and Hyde emerge from his room)
Kat: So, that was... fun.
Hyde: Disneyland's fun, that was nasty. (Kisses her good-bye and closes the door)
Donna: Oh my god, Hyde! Kat Peterson! Nice!
Hyde: (Sitting down) Yep. She's livin' it, I'm lovin' it.

**Theme song**

Kitty: Red, honey, will you go to Bob and Midges' and get my casserole dish? I'm making tuna surprise tonight.
Red: Well now that I know, you've ruined the surprise! (Laughs loudly)
Kitty: It's for scrabble night. Bob and Midge love tuna surprise.
Red: Yah, but i don't love Bob and Midge.
Kitty: Well Red, I have to invite them over! They keep inviting us...
Red: It's because you keep inviting them! Someone's gotta break the chain or it'll go on forever!
Kitty: Red, they're the only friends we have, since you made Phillis cry!
Red: I didn't say anything about Phillis' weight that the whole room didn't already know!

****

(Donna and Jackie are on the porch)
Jackie: Donna, I'm going to have dinner parties ALL the time, when I'm Mrs. Micheal Kelso... esquire. Just think about it...
Donna: Do I have to?
Jackie: Oh, shh!
(Fantasy sequence with Kelso, Donna, Jackie, and Eric)
Kelso: (Singing while playing the piano) The sprinkled moondust in your hair, the golden starlight in your eyes so blue...
Jackie: They're brown!
Kelso: I know!
(They all laugh)
Eric: Oh Kelso, you little so-and-so. I'd narry a notion of your songbird ways. I'd merely thought you a captain of industry and a king among men!
Kelso: Cease your fawning! (Pulls out an eyeglass) And let us discuss the fox runs. But first, I crave a french pastry. Where is the help? (Claps)
(Fez enters in a butler outfit)
Fez: (In a british accent) Apologies, good sire, I was in the stables, brushing the hroses. I see you're greatfully entertaining notions of the sensual twist... with a lady.
(They all laugh)
Eric: (Holding a pipe) Top drawer! Top... drawer!
(Back on the porch)
Jackie: (Still laughing) Top drawer!

****

(At Bob and Midges' house)
(Red enters and spots Bob leaning over the sink)
Red: Hello?
(Bob stands up, all the hair in the middle of his head missing. He quickly dips his head back down and puts on his toupee, standing back up)
Bob: Oh, hi Red!
(Red grabs the dish and leaves)

****

(At Jackie's house, Kelso is playing Chopsticks on the piano, not doing very well)
Jackie: (Hits piano) Stop it!
Eric: (To Donna) You know what might make this party a little more fun? Sweet death!
(Someone knocks on the door)
Jackie: (Opens it to find Hyde and Fez standing there) Hyde? Fez?? MICHEAL!!
Kelso: (Seriously) Oh good, it's Hyde, Fez, and Micheal.
Hyde: Hello, fellas... what's to eat?
Fez: (Picks up a bowl) Are these melon balls for anyone?
Jackie: Why are they here?
Kelso: I invited them... because you're always discussing manners, and I wanted to mannerly.
Hyde: (Eating) He's mannerly!
Some kid: Hey Chuck!
Kelso: Oh no! Chuck's here!
Jackie: Why, Micheal? Why would you invite all these people? Why would you do this?
Kelso: Well, I was thinking that if a party with 10 people was fun, then a party with 30 people would be... twice as much fun! Jackie: Micheal, I didn't WANT twice as much fun! I wanted a small, classy party!
Kelso: Well Jackie, just 'cause there's a couple more people, it doesn't mean it can't still be classy!
Timmy: Hey everybody I'm taking off my pants!

*****

Kitty: NO hair?
Red: None. Well, just a little.
Kitty: Well what are we talking about here, Red? Is it like Ed Azner bald or... or Charlie Brown bald?
Red: Geez, Kitty, I don't know! I barely looked!
Kitty: Okay, I need a visual aid. (Gets up)
Red: I feel so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee's a pretty big lie, Kitty.
Kitty: (She hands him one of those quick-erase board things) Okay, here. Show me on Willy Willy. (**Sorry, I didn't quite catch what she said!**)
(Red draws)
Kitty: Uh-huh... okay...
(Red taps it against the table so all the drawing disappears)
Kitty: (Looking horrified) Really?

****

(At the party, Donna and Eric are standing by the piano, and Donna puts her can down on it)
Eric: Hey, hey! Would it kill you to use a coaster? (Gets one) Bunch of wild hooligans here...
Donna: Oh, sorry RED.
Eric: Well, you know, it was gonna leave a ring!
Donna: So true, Kitty! Eric, look, this is NOT your house. You're not gonna get in truble for any of this, so loosen up!
Eric: Yah, I guess I could do that... (Puts the can directly on the piano) Oh my god, it's like I'm seeing colors I've never seen before!
(On the other side of the room, Kat Peterson and her friends come in. Hyde goes up to her)
Hyde: Hey, Kat. Want a beer?
Kat: No... thanks. (She looks disgusted and gives her friends a look before laughing and walking off - with them in tow, of course.)
Hyde: She just blew me off, man! Can you believe that?
Fez: Yes I do. I really, really do.
(Jackie comes in)
Jackie: Micheal, are they drinking out of my parent's crystal?
Kelso: Jackie, they were tryin' to drink straight from the bottle, and I said "No, no... use the crystal, 'cause it's classy!"
Jackie: Micheal, I'm gonna go upstairs and feel sorry for myself, and you... you are going to fix this.
Kelso: Fix it? Jackie, your'e having the party of the year here!
(Jackie stomps on his foot and leaves)
Kelso: Ow! DAMN! I do NOT get women!
Fez: Yes, neither does Hyde, right Hyde? (Laughs)

****

(Jackie is crying in her bedroom, Donna comes in)
Donna: You okay?
Jackie: Donna please, I really don't wanna talk about Micheal. (Donna sits down next to her) Okay, so what is your honest opinion about Micheal?
Donna: Um, by honest you mean...
Jackie: Donna, please learn to listen!
Donna: Okay, okay fine. Honestly? You have certain expectatins of Kelso that may not be entirely realisitc. You want him to be sphistcated and smart, but actually he's unsophisticated, and unsmart.
Jackie: (Gaping) Oh!
(Timmy pops up from under the blankets they're sitting on)
Timmy: You know, you guys are REALLY bringing down the makeout room.

****

(Red, Kitty, Bob, and Midge are playing scrabble at the Foremans' house. No one is doing anything. We see Red's letters, which read "BALDING", Kitty's read "A BAD RUG", Bob's read "SHOOT ME")
Midge: Well, I'm gonna have to pass, I've got nothing. (Her letters read "ZYGOTES")

****

(Back at the party, Hyde and Fez are drinking while Hyde watches Kat)
Hyde: Would you look at her, Fez? Actin' like she's all hot stuff... So she's incredibly good-looking and everyone likes her. I'm REAL impressed.
Fez: Yah, I know how it is. You know, you think you know somebody, but then it turns out he lied about making out with Kat Peterson.
(Eric comes up to them)
Eric: Hyde! Fez! What, is this a funeral? Come on, why aren't you guys gettin' down?
Fez: Well, I'm afraid Hyde is way too lovesick to get down.
Hyde: Lovesick? I don't love her, man! I just think we should be having sex is all, 'cause she'd enjoy it!
Eric: Hyde, I'm not a doctor, but I play one on t.v. (Laughs loudly at his own joke) But seriously, Hyde. This is a party! So loosen up! (Moves his hand and spills some of his drink into a bucket) Like me! Oopsy-daisy! (Gestures drunkenly)
Kelso: Man, I wish jackie would loosen up. She's throwing a great party down here, and she's missin' it!
Fez: Kelso, you don't get it, huh? This party meant the world to Jackie, and you crapped on it.
Hyde: Alright, ease up on Kelso, huh?
Kelso: Thanks, Hyde!
Hyde: Yah, I mean, so you did something horrible, but it's Jackie, so who cares?
Kelso: No, wait, what're you saying?
Hyde: I'm saying you burned her, man. Royally! Nice job.
Kelso: But, no, I didn't want to burn her! I invited all these people to make it fun, so her party would be good!
Fez: She didn't want a GOOD party, she wanted HER party!
Kelso: You know what? You're right, Fez! Alright, this party's over, everybody out!
Eric: No, Kelso, what are you sayin', man? Think!
Kelso: You know what, guys? For the first time in my life, I think I AM thinking! You know, I'm in danger of ruining the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm NOT gonna let that happen!
Hyde: Kelso... (Notices the bucket next to him is on fire) Kelso: Do NOT interrupt me, alright? This is important! From now on, I'm gonna put Jackie's needs first, and she is gonna be SO proud of me! (Sees the fire) Whoa! (Throws a drink into it, but it just gets bigger) Whoa, man, it's a rager! Give me your brandys! (Throws another one in, it gets bigger) Whooaa! (Throws another one) WHOA! (Throws another) WHOAA!

****

Jackie: (Walking down the hall) I mean, Donna, how DARE you say that about me and Micheal?
Donna: Jackie, you wanted my honest opinion!
Jackie: Your honest opinion that we were GREAT togther! Look, you were wrong about Micheal. He knows he made a mistake, and he's gonna make it up to me. You wait and see!
(On the other side of the door Kelso is trying to put the growing fire out with a pillow, music playing: "Burn, baby, burn!" Jackie and Donna enter)
Kelso: Uh, Jackie, do you have a fire extinguisher?

****

(Back at the Foremans' house)
Midge: S, I, T. That's SIT.
Kitty: Oh, my, yes it is. Again.
Bob: Yeah, Midge has quite a lead.
Midge: Your turn, Red.
Red: Okay, fine. QUEBALL. I'm sorry, Bob, I-
Bob: Sorry? Why apologise to me? I like billiards. Billiards are fun! (Silence) Okay, so you all know.
Midge: I don't know anything!
Bob: So I wear a toupee.
Midge: Bob! If you tell them, they'll know!
Bob: I wear a rug. So what?
(More silence)
Kitty: You know, I wish I had a toupee... because, you know, the way my hair is sometimes.
Red: Look, Bob. Being bald isn't something that a man has to hide from. A toupe is just silly!
Midge: I keep telling him, if he grows as much hair on his head as he does on his back, he'd have a full head of hair!
Bob: I know it's silly. I guess I'm vain. Every morning I wake up wishing I had the courage to walk around looking like you! (Red looks like he doesn't quite appreciate the compliment) But I don't, Red. I don't! I guess that makes me a bad person.
Red: Look, Bob, I didn't mean to make you-
Bob: No, no. You know what? You're right, Red... you're right. Maybe it's time I stopped living the lie. (Pulls toupee off)
Kitty: (Snorts loudly, obviously trying to stifle her laughter) Sinuses...
(They all start laughing)
Red: Alright, alright, I was wrong, Bob. You need the toupee, put it back on!

****

(Back at the party, Timmy is playing the piano and Eric is lying ontop of it, holding a candlestick. He starts singing into it to Donna)
Eric: Hey, hey Donna... I wanna sing to you. Hey, hey, hey Donna... No one else will ever do... I've waited so long, for school to be through... Donna... Donna I love you! (Goes really high) Heeey-heeeeeyyy Donna...
Donna: Eric, get down off of there RIGHT NOW.
Eric: What's the problem, Donna?
Timmy: (Pops up from behind the piano) Yah, what's the problem, Donna?
Donna: Timmy, go get your pants on or I'll beat the crap out of you! (He runs off) Eric, remember when I told you to loosen up?
Eric: Oh yah, baby...
Donna: Well tighten up, baby. When the house is on fire, the party's over!
Eric: Well hey, this was your idea.
Donna: Eric, I told you to loosen up, not act like a dink!
Eric: Well I'm new at this! So sue me! (Starts singing again) Suuuuu-uueee me, sue me Donna!

****

(By the back door, Hyde and Fez are talking as Kat's friends leave. Kat comes up to them)
Kat: Hello, Steven.
Hyde: Oh, I see how this is gonna be. So when you're with your little clique, you're too good for me.
Kat: Right. But theyr'e gone now, so... hi. (Plays with her hair) Hyde: You know, for a rich girl, you're kinda skanky. (Silence Come on, lemme show you the garage. (Takes her hand and leaves)
Fez: That proves nothing! Son of a bitch...
(In the living room, Kelso is trying to stuff the down back into the pillow he used to stop the fire. Jackie comes in, but starts to leave when she sees him)
Kelso: No, listen Jackie, wait, I owe you an apology. (She waits) I just wanted to help, and I guess I blew it, and I'm sorry...
Jackie: Yah, lately you've been sorry a LOT, Micheal.
Kelso: Yah, but this time I mean it!
Fez: Actually, he does. He felt very bad and said tender words about you, and then he set your house on fire. See, he loves you, but he, he's just stupid!
Kelso: Thank you, Fez.
Fez: Sure. (Leaves)
Kelso: Jackie, I do love you, and I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy.
Jackie: Yah well I'm beginning to think that you're NEVER going to make me happy.
Kelso: What are you saying?
Jackie: I'm saying I have a lot of thinking to do. (Leaves)
Kelso: Whew, I really dodged the bullet there, huh Fez?
(Fez plays a few classic 'doom' chords on the piano and shakes his head)

****

(Later on, Kelso and Eric are sitting on the couch)
Kelso: Nothing good came out of this night. Althought I did find out brandy's flammable.
Eric: Yah, that's worth knowing. Oh and uh, gasoline, for future reference.
Kelso: I just don't get chicks, man!
(The screen splits in half and on the top half we see Jackie and Donna)
Jackie: God, Donna, men are stupid. How can they not know what they want? (Kelso says the same thing about women at the same time) I think they know what we want, they just don't want to give it to us, you know? (Kelso again says the same thing)
Donna: It's so simple.
Eric: Yah, it's confusing, huh?
Donna: Oh my god, the most horrifying moment? Eric SANG to me!
Eric: Hey, I sang to Donna. She kinda melted. Yah, she called me a dink, but I don't think she meant it.
Donna: Eric was such a dink tonight. And I mean it.

****

(End credits. Timmy runs in, looking under the couch cushions)
Jackie: I told you, get OUT crasher!
Timmy: I can't find my pants, my mom's gonna kill me!
Jackie: Well maybe you should have thought of that BEFORE you took 'em off! (He keeps looking) No, get out! (Pulls him off the couch)
Timmy: So I hear you and Kelso are kinda on the rocks, what do you say we go and uh... ow!
(Jackie stomps on his foot and throws him out, slamming the door dramatically)

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