Ken's Jimmy Jobber Story...

Moral: Don't sit in Strawberry goo if you want a clean ass.

Dave's Brother Phil Story...

    Me an bro phil were in da hood just hangin when dis big mofo alien lookin pile o crap, I tink it was n earth mental, came outta dis back ally and smacked bro phil’s bitch-ass up. Phil got pissed, so he busted a round o caps in its ass. It did jack, cept piss it off. Faster den a $5 BJ, da thing stole my piece, and laid a clip in im. It den dropped my gun and ran away making dis“squeeee” sound. I just stood there da wholetime and did nutin. And dat is xactly what happined officer….

Rob's Brother Phil Story...

The people of the village of Jabroneville faced a crisis. There was large, and very dangerous Earth Elemental on the loose causing major havoc throughout the village, and after many failed attempts by the brave warriors of the town to defeat the creature, the town decided to turn to religion as a way to try and defeat the beast. The village turned to Bro Phil. A
religious leader, and lover of Velveta, Bro Phil was highly regarded by the people of the village. Bro Phil had only one way of defeating the creature that he knew of. That was to contact Samuel L. Jackson. The baddest mother-fucker around.
Bro Phil contacted Sam, and his response was, "Shit! I'll come the fuck over there and staple that damn Earth Elemental's bottom lip to it's mother-fucking forehead!" At that Bro Phil praised Sam Jackson and told the people of the town that they were going to be saved! A large limo arrived at the village, and sure enough, Sam Jackson stepped out of the back. Bro Phil greeted him, and blessed him with holy water.  Sam said, "Thanks mother-fuckin' Bro Phil, where is the bitch ass that I
have to fuck up?" Bro Phil pointed towards a cave in some rocks about 500 ft from there location. Sam entered the cave, and came out about 3 minutes later. He said, "Shit! That's a big, bad mother-fucker, I am outta here!". Bro Phil   pleaded Sam Jackson to stay, however, he rode off in his limo. Shortly after that the Earth Elemental, came out of the cave and destroyed the whole village of Jabroneville, killing all the people in it, thus cutting back on the amount of jabrones in the world. SMASH!

The End

Rob's Banana Republic Dictator Story...

    The Banana Republic Dictator goes into the Old Navy Store and says to the sales associate, "Wow these cloths are not as expensive as the crap we sell, and they look better. This won't make me look like an asshole". The Old Navy associate says "You are right, and you should leave the crappy Banana Republic, and be our new dictator.". The Banana Republic Dictator says, "No way, they pay me too well.". To that the Old Navy sales associate says, "Oh well, then have a nice day.... after my friend The Rock kicks your ass!" The Rock comes out from the back of the store and grabs the Banana Republic Dictator and the Tech Vest he was trying on, and wraps it around his head. The Rock ties it in a tight knot, and the Banana Republic asspipe starts to turn blue in the face. The Rock then takes another Tech Vest off of the rack, and grabs the Banana Republic Dictator by the vest around his neck and goes to the register to pay for the vest the Rock has just selected for himself.
    Upon paying The Rock tells the register boy that "This Jabrone won't be bothering you anymore.". Then the Rock goes out the door, with the Banana Republic Dictator, and ties the Tech Vest that the Banana Republic Dictator has around his neck to the bumper of his car. The Rock gets in the car, and drives off with the Banana Republic Dictator tied to his bumper, dragging him to a bloody pulp. Have a nice day everyone!

Dave's 3+3 not =5 story...

Warning, this may may your brain hurt. It is a little late, but:

When 3+3 not = 5?

Always, because of X

Here's why-

If X = 3+3
And
5 = 2X - 7

Solve for X
2X = 12
X = 6
If X = 6 and X = 3 + 3
Then 3 + 3 = 6,
So 3 + 3 cannot = 6 because of X. Since X is infinite,
3 + 3 can never = 5.

Ken's Asshole Jimmy Jobber story combined with the Fritos and Coke...

Moral: Never buy just ONE two liter of Coke on Mondays.

Rob's Frito and Coke Story...

A man took the 3 bags of Fritos, and opened them each, and poured them  into individual piles on the kitchen table. He sat down so the 3 piles were directly in front of him from left to right. He stared at the pile to the right, and kept on staring at it for 5 minutes. After the 5 minutes the man stood up, and started yelling at the pile of Fritos, "You Suck, you suck, you suck", over and over again. The he put his hand down violently on the table and swiped the pile on the right off the table all over the place!
Then he sat down and started staring at the center pile, for 5 minutes straight. After 5 minutes he stood up on the table and started screaming, "Velveta, velveta, velveta!" at the top of his lungs, while stomping on the pile of Fritos that was to the left of the one he was staring at, turning them into crumbs. After getting off of the table, the man started running away. He then
returned shortly after with a large bowl, and a 2 liter of Coke. He swept the remaining pile of Fritos into the bowl, and poured the entire 2 liter of Coke into the bowl as well. He left the room again and returned with a hand mixer, and a funnel. He started to mix the contents of the bowl together, making a Coke / Frito combo. He then took the funnel, placed it in his mouth, and started pouring the bowl into the funnel. After the man was done, he placed the bowl on his head, and went to sleep for the evening.

Here's an awesome little poem from Cindy:

This may sound pretty corny,
But Jimmy Jobber was feeling kinda horny.
Ya see, it's been about an hour
Since Jimmy spied Florence Flower.
At first he didn't give her much thought,
But with THOSE petals, how could he not!
That's one flower I wouldn't mind datin'
Not to mention, pollinatin'.
Here's an idea that's sure to win her,
I'll invite her out for an exquisite dinner.
The evening was great, he spared no expense,
the conversation shared was super-intense.
He brought her home, she showed him her blossom,
Jimmy sat there stunned, God she was awesome.
The night grew dark, in his arms she melted,
He awoke the next morning to find she had wilted.
Alas, Florence Flower, not perennial, but annual
Now poor Jimmy Jobber's back to makin love....manual.

Here's Dave's slight revision to Cindy's theme:

One day Jimmy Jobber was out busy lookin
For that special something from a girl that was hookin.
The first couple tramps needed no stoppin
They had holes too wide for him to be poppin.
They all were fat, not the type that he laid
A lean piece of meat was what his balls craved!
Just as Jimmy was ready to call it a night
He spotted a girl on the corner with a skirt so tight.
She had a face, he had not ever seen before
He had hit the jackpot, it was a rookie whore!
A beautiful thin flower, ready for the plucking
Now SHE had body that was worth fucking!
He pulled over his caddy and flashed her a twenty.
She got in the car, and this jobber was ready!
They check into a nearby Motel 6.
“Mr. and Mrs. Jones” were read for sex.
She spread on the bed and asked him for money
He replied “Here’s a 20 now and a 20 later, honey.”
As he handed her the money, someone broke open the door,
“Hands on you head! Down on the floor!”
Jimmy was busted by an undercover police pig.
It was Officer Jib in drag, and he was dancing a jig!
Depressed and angry, Jimmy went to jail
For the rest of his years, getting no tail.
The moral of the story - To avoid the cops
When picking up prostitutes - go tropps!

Dave's list of 9 things that begin with X:

9 things that begin with X

1) X-mas - Gimme presents or die!
2) Xena - Lucy Lawless baby!
3) X-ing - Where children get run over if they aren't fast enough.
4) Xylophone - It can drive parents crazy!
5) X-wing - Kills squints dead.
6) X-celent - Mr Burns favorite saying.
7) X-files - This show rules!
8) Xanthippe - Uhhhhhhhhhh, yeah..
9) X - The most useless word in the english language!

Matt's List of 9 things that start with X:

9 things that start with X.

9. Xylophone as this always comes to mind when the letter X comes up.
8. Xanth series of novels, which make me wanna throw up.
7. X-Ray, cause I hope I never need one.
6. X-Men, I spent all my money as a kid collecting 'em
5. X-Rated, although I never watched them
4. X is for the eyes of dead cartoon characters
3. Xactly what I mean when I have cotton mouth. (Hey Cindy!)
2. Xmas for the non-religious celebrants of that fine holiday.
1. Type O Negative. Does it really matter that it doesn't start with X

Matt's Professor Plum Poem:

Professor Plum takes a safari in search of the elusive lemur....

Professor Plum goes on a safari
and on the way out, see's his old atari
with classics like tank, and pac-man
he fires it up and while playing writes his plan.
You see lemurs are really quite shy
and deep in the woods they like to hide
Staying at home and playing atari
will cost so much less than this stupid safari!
But Professor Plum will never call it quits
and it makes so much sense
if he can expense
this trip with his girlfriend Cherry Pitts.
So he calls her up and asks her to go
on the trip of her life into the Tibetan snow
'We won't be looking for no lame femur!"
"Were gonna go huntin for the elusive lemur!"
And Cherry Pitts, who was quite a catch,
loaded with charm, and a body to match.
said "Tibetan snow is not where a lemur can be found"
"But they have them barbecued at the Ground Round!"
I have to tell you, and I don't want you to vomit
The Ground Round sells 'em as steak to increase profit!
And while it's not that good, it's pretty near
and not all that bad with a bottle of beer.
Sighing, Professor Plum shut off his Atari
and kissed off his plans of a grand safari
He took a shower, and blew his nose
shaved his face and changed his clothes
Then he hopped in the car and drove to Cherry's place
when he got there, gave her a rose and a kiss on her face
And took her out, for a night on the town
First stop? Dinner, at the Ground Round.
No sardines, no saltines, nor grape Kool Aid
could ever be said to taste as great
As a ride in Professor Plum's Beamer
to the Ground Round for a plate of Lemur!

Ken's Professor Plum Story:

Our story begins on the not-so-friendly island of Jumanji. A befuddled professor named Plum is about to set out on the most bizarre quest of his life.

Moral: Lemurs like to be left alone.

Cindy sent me this rather short e-mail...

Sorry, Aaron, I Can't write a story for your storytime this time.
Wanna
know why?

GEEYAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! (There's something in my eye).

Well here's story from Sara for my Mr. Cube topic.   I think she did an excellent job for her first submission to Storytime!

Once upon a time in a place called Shapeland, the evil Particle People were launching a gigantic NEO. There was nothing to do except wait for the NEO to block out the rectangular Sun. All of the residents of Shapeland were petrified, wondering how long it would be until there was no more light in Shapeland. Some shapes, like the the cowardly Triangle, began fleeing Shapeland, only to be blocked at the border by the Particle People. All the shape mothers were holding their shape children close in terror. Mr. Cube, not knowing what was going on, (being the densest of the shapes) wandered into the Particle Peoples compound. As he wandered in confusion, he found a long string-like object. Thinking this might lead him back home, he picked it up and following it. This did not lead him home, it appeared to be a large electrical plug. Being a curious Cube, Mr. Cube decided to unplug the large wire,just as the countdown began. 10...(Mr. Cube reached up to the plug) 9...(Mr. Cube gets his hands around the plug) 8...(Mr. Cube begins pulling at the plug) 7... (The plug is heavy) 6...(Mr.Cube Continues to pull) 5...(And tug) 4...(And pull) 3...(and pull some more) 2...(the plug is beginning to move) 1...LAUNC....... Mr. Cube has done it...he has disconnected the power source. ShapeLand is safe, thanks to Mr. Cube. Later..... The evil Particle People have yet to discover why their NEO did not launch, but they did discover Mr. Cube. He was detained as a spy until the Particle People realized that Mr. Cube could barely tie his shoes let alone sabotage an NEO launch, and he was let go. He is now safely back in his nice little room with the nice bars on the windows, getting his medication daily.

I know that all storytime submissions are good , but Dave's Mr.Cube story has got to be this most clever of all the submissions I have ever received...Judge for yourself...

Jack Cube was working in his tent at the site, late, as usual. He was an archeologist working in the city of Shapeland (pronounced Shapel-and). He was studying artifacts found on a recent dig there. The artifacts were believed to be from the time of heroes and villains and demons. There is a prevailing legend in the city of Shapeland that is 1000 years old. A legend of a hero from another dimention coming here to protect Shapeland from the Sun Demon. It was considered only folklore. Little did Jack know how true it was! Jack normally had his radio playing when he worked late to drown out the local crickets and birds. Tonight was no exception. He was listening to some comforting local oldies station when the DJ broke-in in the middle of Motley Crue’s “Dr. Feelgood”: “This just in. A Near-Earth-Object, or N.E.O, has just been tracked by satellites in space heading for Shapeland! Scientists predict that it will hit Shapeland in only 4 hours. Scientists are scrambling to figure out a way to destroy the N.E.O before it strikes, but…” Click. Jack turned off the radio. “Shit!” He yelled. “What am I going to do! I don’t feel like dying tonight.” He threw the artifact he was working on to the ground in anger. It bounced of the floor and landed in the corner of the tent. Then it stared to glow, a creepy green glow. Jack approached it and before he got to it, the glow went out. He stood there, a little dumbfounded for a couple of seconds, then he heard a voice from behind. “Psyclone Jack?” It said. He turned and saw him. He was a tall man, with a long graying beard, mustache and dark eyes. He was wearing a purple trench coat with skulls and X’s all over it. He kinda looked menacing, but gave off a very friendly aura. “Who are you?” Jack asked. “I Zombie.” He responded. “Why are you here?” “Overhead revolv'n in a whirlpool a drag-o-rama walk'n on the sidewalk.” “What?” “Apocalypse is dawnin' action on the mile!” “Oh. Yeah, it doesn’t look good. The N.E.O is gonna wipe this area out, us along with it.” “There's only one sure way to bring the giant down!” “You mean the N.E.O.? Destroy it? How? “Step to the moonshine.” He pointed at the tent entrance. “Huh???” “Step to the moonshine!” He continued to point out the tent. Jack proceeded to the tent entrance and looked out side. He could see downtown Shapeland glowing with nightlights. The full moon was also out lighting up the area. Then he saw the N.E.O, It looked like a very bright star at the moment but it would be getting bigger. “Step to the moonshine.” Zombie said for the third time. Jack looked around; all he could see is the dig site, a shallow puddle, and some shovels. The puddle! It was glowing from the moonlight! “The puddle, is that it?” Jack asked. Zombie nodded. The puddle was created with a combination of earlier excavating, dirt piles, and a recent rain in the area. Jack went to the puddle, Zombie following him. “Now what?” Jack asked. “Dig through the ditches!” Zombie said, almost like an order…almost. “Dig in the puddle? Ummm. Ok.” Using nearby shovels, Jack and Zombie dug up the puddle. After an hour, they stumbled on paydirt: another Artifact. A good sized one, in-tacked. It appeared to be a weapon of some sort. “Wow, what is it?” Asked Jack. “Scrimshaw motherfucker bazooka.” Replied Zombie. “A bazooka? Cool!” Zombie then placed an object from his trench coat onto the ground near the newly created hole. It was a tripod. He pointed at the Bazooka. “Get it out.” He then pointed at the tripod. “Get it on.” Jack did as told, since he figured that this Zombie dude knew what he was doing. So he lifted the Bazooka out of the hole and mounted it on the tripod. Zombie took another item out of his coat, a glowing sphere. He placed it in the bazooka and aimed it at the N.E.O, which was now as big as the moon and getting rapidly bigger. Zombie then pointed into the ditch and said. “Get inside, get in there!” This time Jack wasn’t so sure. “Why?” Jack questioned. “Freedom of the blast.” Zombie replied. “What about you?” “I'm already dead.” Jack jumped into the ditch and braced himself. He heard something like a jet engine starting up, then Zombie scream: “I am the one, a god with a gun, I am Legend!” There was a bright explosion, then a fading hissing sound, then a very loud second explosion! Jack closed his eyes hoped for the best. Minutes later, jack heard nothing, except the ringing in his ears. He got up, and looked out of the ditch. The N.E.O was gone, so was the bazooka and Zombie. The city was safe! Jack was safe. Later when reporters asked how the N.E.O was destroyed, Jack told them that he constructed a Death Ray out of a bubble gum wrapper, toothpaste and a matchstick and shot it at the N.E.O. The papers all around Shapeland read, “Mr. Cube saves all of Shapeland from the gigantic N.E.O.” The end.

I guess if you aren't a Rob Zombie/White Zombie fan, this story isn't quite as clever...I'd give it 5 skulls though!