Question 126

What do the atheists who are reading this think about attitudes to death, particularly with what children are told and how they are treated when someone dies?

• I think its ridiculous and childish. Such attitudes have led to the extension of existence past anything even remotely humane. (Stoney #9)

• I think that we need to be honest with children. Rather than mask death in nice words as passing on, or sleeping, we should just explain the concept to children and let them understand that it is an end to l ife and allow children the luxery of mourning. Children have a right to feel pain and anguish of the loss of a loved one or friend.

  While we are on the subject, one thing I have never understood about the xian religion is why they mourne when a loved one dies? Shouldn't they be celebrating their loved ones death if they really believe that there exists a heaven? (Chani #1118)

• My mother-in-law died last year when my daughter was 4. We told her that Grandma had died, and that meant that we wouldn't ever be able to see her again. When she asked what happens after you die, we told her that nobody knows, but some people think that you go to a place called heaven where everything is nice, and some people think you go to a place where there is always a party, and some people think you don't go anywhere.

  It's damn tough to be tolerant, however, when the bastards you deal with aren't. I'd never think of mentioning to somebody else's child that I don't think there is a heaven, but many theists are perfectly happy to tell that to *my* child. (Eric Gunnerson #31)

• Lying upsets some people, so telling them that mommy is in heaven might upset them more than being honest. With honesty, there is short term pain, but in the long run, it works out better. I would try not to emphasize the negatives. I might use the agnostic approach instead of the atheist approach. Some people say that mommy is in heaven and some people say that she's roasting in hell right now. I would initially leave off the part about hell. I've never heard a minister deliver a eulogy about how the dearly departed is now in hell. (Michael Alexander #18)

• The west has problems with death. We like to pretend it doesn't happen. Ironically the more health improves and people live longer the bigger the problem of death becomes. In the late 20th century most people never see dead humans first hand and children in particular. In the 19th century death plagued every family and every child would be aware of the death of one or more siblings. The 20th century business of shielding children from the reality of death just couldn't have worked in the 19th.

  I am glad of advances in medical technology in the last 150 years but the improvement in health has not lowered the level of anxiety about death. (Meteorite Debris #1417)

• I think that, in Western culture, death has too creepy and spooky an image. I think we need to differentiate between tragic, violent, premature deaths, and death that simply occurs because of wear and tear on our biological infrastructure. Personally, I'm more concerned with the way in which I am going to end this life rather than with the fact that I will be dead; much like I'm more concerned with the way I'm going to lose my wisdom tooth than how I'm going to chew without it.

  Death is what makes room for the next generation, and attempts to extend life by any and all means, rather than merely improving the quality of life for the "normal" life span, can only be detrimental to society, especially when it happens too quickly for society to adapt.

  Children should not be concerned with their own death. This is not part of growing up. They should learn to appreciate life. I don't think we need to teach children about death. It doesn't lessen the grief about losing a loved one, and it doesn't make them better people. As far as I'm concerned, dying is not something one needs to train for to do it right. Teach them how to live, discuss matters of death only when they ask about it, and only to convey the fact that it is a natural process.

  Making them look forward to dying by promising Heaven, or making them dread the inevitable by promising them eternal damnation might have a rather adverse effect on a young mind, I think. (Matthias Weiss)

• I'll start my response with a personal story that is also a rebuttal of the idea that humans will naturally think of life after death: One day when I was six, I watched a TV documentary about 1848 revolutionaries, showing photographs of survivors around 1890. The lots of old men were shocking, and the next day I realised my mother will die before me. I started a crying tantrum and asked my mother to live long and things like that. But it never appeared to me that there could be something after death, allowing us meeting again...

  Now to children, I don't think lying to them is a good thing. They should learn to deal with loss, just as they learn to cope with the loss of a toy - if not, they will be free prey to any cultist. Also, not telling them about death just makes the shock of an actual death in the family stronger.

  As for attitudes to death, most of those I dislike are religious. Hope to get to heaven? Leads to wasting your life here. You will be reincarnated in endless cycles? Leads to giving up work toward any change. You will turn to ghosts who need worship by descendants? Poor descendants.

  But, there are atheist attitudes toward death I dislike. We only live once, so let be hedonists? That can lead to years of pain BEFORE death, ruin the environment, damn others to live in poverty, and ruin the future for your own children. (Daneel #323)