 17/02/2000 18:00 GMT, The Millennium Dome Skyscape, Greenwich Thursday. The big night has arrived more quickly than anyone expected. Hype stands in the shadows behind the mixing desk while No Doubt's Gwen Stefani (who, like Jay-Z, appears to be here for no better reason than she's Hype's friend) rehearses her routine. Dressed in a Julien Macdonald outfit of Liquorice Allsort shades of pink and black, she looks a tad Steve Tyler, a bit Queen Amidala, and her once-bleached hair has been twisted into Wotsit-shaped pink braids. She groans over a reggae-ish bassline while the ballooning pieces of fabric behind her drown in blue light. Jay-Z and his entourage lounge on the front-row seats reserved for some Fayeds. Minutes ago, Jay ran through a rap about a night on the town which concluded with the charming couplet: "6am I be diggin' her out/6.15 I be kickin' her out." Now, he's all sweetness and light as he chats up a maple-skinned, dark-eyed model who will be on stage with him when the show starts. "Hey," he asks, breaking into a warm smile and extending his hand. "What's your name?" "Lucy," she says. "Loooocy," he repeats. No doubt leave the stage and Jay-Z blasts once more over the PA. He begins to mime the lyrics, glancing over at Looocy with a meaningful look. "I need a 20 on Naomi," Hype shouts. Naomic Campbell, who two weeks ago announced she was "definitely not doing London", is to provide tonight's star catwalk turn. "I'll get her on the phone," says Nellee Hooper, who is milling around the theatre looking, in an all-brown ensemble finished with an inspired pair of sleazy snakeskin boots, like a style-conscious version of Rik Mayll in Bottom. "Gnomes?" he says into his mobile. It sounds like 'Gnomes', anyway. "It's Ne-llee. How far away are you, babe? Because the runway's quite strange..." The show itself starts promisingly enough. Jay-Z is word-perfect. A montage of Hype-assisted smash hits, including Kelis' 'Caught Out There' and Q-Tip's 'Breathe And Stop', blast behind the first wave of models (among whom Naomi stands out effortlessly). Some girls dressed as insects and some boys who look like spacemen parade down the catwalk. Then Nellee's music runs out and Hype's screen fails to appear. The models failed to leave the stage in time and there's a deeply awkward few minutes when no one, either on the stage or behind the screens, can quite work out what's going on. Finally, some green lasers shoot out over the audience and No Doubt begin to rock through their mini-set. As their noise peters out, Julien comes on stage and takes a bow. Then there are the post-match interviews for Julien, a technical postmortem and more fast food for Hype, and the aftershow opinions of the assembled pundits, which range from "The clothes started out well" to "Weird... Embarrassing... Like a car crash... Like several car crashes." |