Dating Other People

Or

Wasn't this an episode of Three's Company?

A Homestar Runner Fanfiction Story

By Hysterical Woman

Disclaimer: The characters and settings depicted wherein were created by the Brothers Chap. The actual story was written by me. If you want to use this story for MSTing purposes, please e-mail me at hystericalwoman at yahoo dot com.

    Homestar Runner crawled under the coach. He knew it had to be somewhere. Sure, it had been three years, but with all the chemicals in those prepackaged cupcakes, they had to still be good. Well, as good as prepackaged cupcakes can get.

    He heard a knock on the door. A feminine voice piped up.

        “Homestar, are you in?” asked Marzipan.

        “Yeah, come in,” Homestar replied.   

    His girlfriend Marzipan entered. He could not see her, since he was under the aforementioned couch. She looked at him curiously.

        She asked, “Homestar, what are you doing?”

        “I'm looking for the cupcakes that fell under here a few years ago,” he answered.

    She wisely did not ask for more. Instead, she turned around and tried to tell him how she felt. This would be a difficult speech.

        “Well,” she began, “I've got something important to talk to you about.”

        “I'm finding lots of stuff here,” Homestar said, not hearing her at all.

    Despite the lack of attention, Marzipan went bravely on.

        “You know,” she said, “we've been dating pretty steady lately. It's like we're married.”

        “There's another world under my couch,” declared Homestar.

        “And while I like you and all, well, we're too young,” Marzipan continued, reciting her preplanned speech.

        “My cupcakes have evolved into a civilization!” he said, disappearing further into the couch.

        “We need to mature as separate people. See life beyond each other,” Marzipan explained.

        “They have master fruit filling technology,” said an awe-filled Homestar.

        Marzipan sighed, “I think you know where I'm going with this.”

        “They worship me as a god,” Homestar whispered, the power overwhelming him.

    Marzipan took a deep breath, and finally jumped to her conclusion.

        She said, “I think we should see other people. Just for a little while.”

    She waited for a reply. Would Homestar be angry at her? Would he be hurt? The fact that he wasn’t listening didn’t cross her mind. Finally, he said something.

        “The cupcake people want me to destroy the dust bunnies!”

    It didn’t seem negative. Marzipan took it as acceptance.

        “I'm glad you understand!” she cried, “Thank you, Homestar.”

    Marzipan left, thinking that everything was all right. Homestar, however, was occupied in coach world.

        “Tear down this wall, Mr.Godusty!” he declared to an unknown figure, not known what he had just agreed to.

    Meanwhile, Marzipan walked through the many fields of Free County. She saw Coach Z, looking so nervous he was almost sweating through his bodysuit. Well, what was hopefully his bodysuit. It would be terrible to think he was going around naked all this time. When Marzipan came close enough, he ventured a greeting.

        “Hello, Marzy-pan!” he said, in his thick indeterminate accent.

        “Hello, Coach Z,” she answered sweetly.

    He then went into a rambling spiel.

        “I just heard that you and Homestar have decided to see other people,” he said, then added quickly, “And when I say I heard it I mean I heard it from somebody else. I'm not eavesdropping or dropping eaves or have an elaborate system of bugs. That's not Coach Z. So I was wondering...”

        “I’m not going to date you, Coach Z.”

    Marzipan walked on. Coach Z just hung his head and gave out tortured, indeterminate cry.

        “Orrgh....”

    Always from prying eyes, Marzipan took out a list. It went as following:

Eligible Persons

Homestar: Already dating him

Strong Sad: Too sad

Strong Mad: Too mad

Strong Bad: NO! NEVER!

The Cheat: Too wild

The King of Town: Possibly incest

Poopmith: Too smelly

Homestar: Still dating him

Bubs: Too old

Coach Z: Too old and creepy

Homsar: Too Homsar

Pom Pom: Perfect!

        “Now to find Pom Pom!” she declared.

    She then saw that Pom Pom was gently bouncing not to far away. She walked over to him.

        “Hello, Pom Pom,” she said.

        Pom Pom bubbled a greeting.

        “Do you want to go on a date?” she asked.

        Pom Pom bubbled loyally about Homestar.

        “Don’t worry,” Marzipan reassured him, “Homestar understands, I think.”

        Pom Pom bubbled an affirmative.

        “Okay, let’s go to Marshmallow’s Last Stand,” she said.

    They left hand in hand, or at least would have if they had any. Pom Pom was worried about Homestar, but he trusted that Marzipan knew him well enough. He wasn’t worried about his girlfriends. They could handle him dating a mildly attractive girl. He had certainly dated more attractive girls without them blowing up. Everything would be fine.

    Meanwhile, at Homestar Runner’s house, a small explosion came from under the couch. Homestar finally left the couch. His face was covered with fruit filling, his eyes filled with sadness. There was only one thing he could say about such a horrible event.

        “Oops.”

    He wiped his face and forgot about the off-screen holocaust. Now he simply wondered where Marzipan was. She had come in early, hadn’t she? She wanted to say something important, maybe about witch’s brew. He looked around the house. When he didn’t find her there, he ran outside.

        He called out, “Marzipan? Where are you?”

    Homestar felt worried now. Where was she? He ran around some more, in a disorganized fashion. He finally came to Marshmallow’s Last Stand, his favorite restaurant. He looked in the window to see his best friend and his girlfriend together in a booth. He heard them talk.

        “It was more like the biggest radish,” Marzipan said.

        Pom Pom bubbled a reply and they both laughed.

    Homestar watched them flirt and became sad. He thought that Marzipan loved him. Perhaps she was angry at him? He thought back to his time with Marzipan. The time he gave her that baked bird, the time he let the tofu burn, the time he spewed Super Mud in her face while kicking her shin, and even the time when he egged her house with the Brothers Strong while she stood on the porch fuming. None of these events rang a bell in Homestar’s mind. He walked away sadly, trying to think of what to do next.

    He thought of Coach Z. Coach Z probably had said something about the ladies. He tried to think back to the advice Coach Z had given him. He imagined Coach Z in front of him, spinning his sage wisdom.

        “Homestar,” said the imaginary Coach Z, “Does Marzy-pan, um, does she like older men?”

    In the run-down gym of Homestar’s mind, two climbing ropes touched. Homestar had an idea! He would make her jealous! There were tons of other ladies in Free County!

    Tumbleweed (male) went by, countering his thesis. Despite this, Homestar went on, thinking about a certain beautiful and sophist-caded widow who knew how to cook. Her name was Mrs. Benedetto, and he knew she must be lonely. He went to the lovely lady’s house to ask her to go a courting. The answer was not good.

        “What do you mean you won't go out with me!?” Homestar cried.

    Since the lovely lady was a microwave, she said nothing.

        “Then can I have my five dollars?” he asked, greeted by more silence.

    Homestar’s little black book was not yet depleted. He went to the mountains, to find a very high-spirited lady. He saw her shapely legs on the mountain peak, and started talking.

        “So, will you go out with me?” he asked.

    Rad-a-tat-tat! The Yello-Dello pecked his head, leaving bumps all over it. Homestar pushed his luck.

        “How about your sister?” he asked.

    Rad-a-tat-tat! He left the mountain in a hurry, away from the bird’s wrath. He ended up back in the fields of Free County, as dateless as when he started. How come he couldn’t find anyone? Sure, he wasn’t as mack as Pom Pom, but he was a good guy. Where were all the ladies?

    He then saw a lady before him. Or, at least, he saw something in the form of a lady. The lady had a shapely figure and lovely brunette hair, but the bowler hat and the shirt gave it away as Homsar. Homestar stared a moment at his doppelganger, now in female form.

        “Since when are you a character?” he asked.

        “I make my own gravy!” Modestly Hot Homsar screamed.

        Homestar sighed, “Well, you're ladylike. Let's go on a date.”

    And so they did, going to Marshmallow’s Last Stand. Inside, Pom Pom and Marzipan were still talking and having a good time.

        “She's an independent?” Marzipan said to Pom Pom, “I always thought she was Republican.”

    Homestar and his date, Modestly Hot Homsar entered the establishment, and took a booth not to far away from Marzipan. Of course, Marzipan had to notice this. She looked over at them, slightly disturbed at Homestar’s taste in women.

        “Modestly Hot Homsar?” she asked, “I didn't know that, um, she was a character.”

    Pom Pom bubbled something about Modestly Hot Homsar.

        “I think she waxes her legs. I go natural myself,” said Marzipan proudly.

    Meanwhile, Homestar and his date were getting to know each other. Homestar had seen Marzipan checking them out. She was probably jealous. Her jealous look did look a lot like her disgusted look, but never mind that. He was on a date with modestly hot girl, and he was going to enjoy it.

        “Do you like marshmallows?” he asked, trying to make conversation.

        “Igloos haunt the swamp!” screeched Modestly Hot Homsar.

        “Oh, I hate those Eskimos too.”

    Strong Bad, in a neighboring booth, was getting upset. His worse enemies, Homestar and Homsar, in one place! It was enough to make him go crazy! And why was Homsar a lady-type? Was everything he imagined going to physical manifest itself? He thought of Texas in tighty-whities, and got a bad case of the jibbles.

        “My pajamas are full of paper tigers!” yelled Modestly Hot Homsar.

        “Don't you get paper cuts that way?” asked a sympathetic Homestar.

    Strong Bad was having a hard time taking this inane banter. His hands were shaking and his head was pounding.

        “Must...ignore...stupid...crap,” he mumbled.

    He knew he had to survive. He had to survive! Just like that disco chick, whats-her-name, he had to survive! But the heavens were not smiling on poor Strong Bad.

        “Living for as little as a cup of sugar!” bawled Modestly Hot Homsar.

        “That's too expensive for me,” Homestar replied.

        Strong Bad screamed, “ARGHH!”

    He then passed out in his marshmallow soup. Luckily, gills spontaneous formed on him so he didn’t die of asphyxiation. A waitress later came to wake him up. They fell in love and had a whirlwind romance that ended when the bill came. Now whenever you mention gills to Strong Bad, he’ll start crying.

    Meanwhile, Marzipan and Pom Pom were wrapping things up, so they decided to go over to Homestar’s booth. Homestar was in the middle of an adamant conversation with his date.

        “I prefer refinancin’' my home lawn,” Homestar said expertly.

        “Hello, Homestar,” greeted Marzipan.

        Homestar replied coldly, not looking up at them, “Hello ex-girlfriend and ex-best friend.”

    Marzipan and Pom Pom were taken back by this. They thought that everything was fine.

        “What? I thought you were okay with this,” said Marzipan.

        “Okay with what?” snapped Homestar.

        “Okay with us dating other people. I mean, you're dating...Homsar.”

    In the booth, Modestly Hot Homsar turned to make a contribution to the converstation.

        “I'm 100% cotton!” Modestly Hot Homsar declared.

    Everybody looked at him, then went back to the matter at hand.

        “When did I agree to this?” asked Homestar.

        “When I came over this morning,” explained Marzipan.

    Homestar looked through the fog of his memory and remembered the events of the morning. So that’s what she was trying to tell him!

        “I didn’t hear you!” Homestar said, “Oh, this is all just a big misundermentstanding, like that episode of the sitcom with the big misundermentstanding.”

        “Oh Homestar,” Marzipan said, “I enjoyed my date with Pom Pom, but I still want to date you.”

        Pom Pom bubbled a great untranslatable line.

        Marzipan then said, “Don't worry, Homestar. I'll always love you.”

    She then gave him a kiss, as an unseen audience clapped and cheered. Homestar’s propeller spinned with joy and cartoon sexual symbolism.

        “Hooray!” he cried, as they left the restaurant.

    Pom Pom left soon after, leaving only Modestly Hot Homsar. Modestly Hot Homsar shed a single tear. Homsar then cried,

        “I can make it on my own!”

Epilogue:

    Pom Pom entered his house, a fabulous bachelor pad. It had a hot tub, a wet bar (stocked with Cold Ones, Xtra Cold Ones, and Not So Cold Ones) and a great stereo. He went into his room. On his dresser were various signed pictures of sexy female Poms. He took out a humble picture of Marzipan and placed it on the dresser. He shed a single tear.

The End

The Over-Extensive Author's Notes:

(Dating Other People) The idea for this fanfic came from when I was thinking about this question: Why is Marzipan dating Homestar? That led to another good question: Whom else could she date? So came this cute little fanfic.

(Huh? Wasn’t this in script form earlier?) Yes, it was. However, doesn’t like script form so they took it off. While I think the ban against script is stupid, I still want my story read. So I rewrote this story in prose form.

(Marzipan: I think we should date other people) Originally, Marzipan was going to get the idea to date other people from a magazine or a television show. I decided she was strong enough not to listen to the popular media. Now she decides to do this of her own accord. Marzipan and Homestar's relation to me seems like a couple of elementary kids playing make believe. Marzipan would like it to be a more serious, mature relationship, but serious and mature do not belong in Free County, USA.

(Homestar: Tear down this wall, Mr.Godusty!) Homestar is paraphrasing the late Ronald Reagan here. The dust bunnies have built a wall between them and the cupcake people. Homestar must negotiate peace. They should have gotten Jimmy Carter.

(Coach Z: I'm not eavesdropping...) Coach Z accidentally revealed on Marzipan's Answering Machine that he regularly sneaks into her house. He also has a crush on her, as his messages also reveal. He probably doesn't use bugs though; he just stands outside the window.

(The King of Town: Possibly incest) On an old character page, The King of Town is listed as Marzipan's father. Since this is never mentioned again, we can assume that the Brothers Chap decided to throw this bit of canon out the window. It does make for a good throwaway joke though. By the way, did you notice that she listed Homestar twice? A little Freudian slip there.

(Marzipan: It was more like the biggest radish.) A reference to "The Reddish Radish".

(Memories) The first incident is from "In Search of the Yello-Dello" (shouldn't the baked bird have angered her even if she knew it wasn't the Yello-Dello?). The second incident is from "The Luau". The third incident is from Strong Bad Email: Date. The fourth incident never happened, but it could, don't you think?

(Modestly Hot Homsar) This character comes from Strong Bad Email: Different Town. In that email Strong Bad imagines Homsar as a modestly hot girl (modestly hot so she won't cheat on him). Methinks Strong Bad is a legs man.

(Marzipan: She's independent? I always thought she was Republican.) This is a reference to "Homestarloween Party", when Marzipan imagines one of Pom Pom's girls as a Republican. Note to non-Americans: The Republic Party is one of the major political parties. The other one is the Democratic Party. Independent means you don't belong to any political party, but you like hanging out in the political kitchen.

(big misundermentstanding) Yes, Marzipan should have apologized for not listening to Homestar. But Homestar doesn't care, he's just happy she isn't mad at him. By the way, why don't we ever see them kiss in the canon? Brothers Chapman, pleases take note.

(Epilogue) If I ever write a sequel, I'm calling it: "Wasn't there an episode of Friends like this?" Poor Pom Pom.

(Author's Notes) Yes, these are extensive author's notes.