weehours:: April 28, 2001
im so frustrated right now i could scream. i really should. instead im silently typing away to rid myself of these horrid sensations of anger.
i just finished re-doing the layout for the Iczer page, in hopes of launching TeamICZER.com in a month or so... given that these guys will cooperate with me. but instead, as i attempted to upload a few images, i come to find that my entire zip disk has been deleted. okay. what the fuck? i just pulled those files a minute ago so i struggle with my piece of shit Compaq to try to retrieve the files. and my whole computer goes berzerk. i was no longer able to open certain windows, while my zip drive zipped zipped and zipped desperately searching for a file that no longer existed. shit. tried to restart. nada. tried to end task. nada. tried control-alt-delete. nada. nothing freakin worked. so i restarted my computer the ghetto way by cutting it off at the source. shortly afterwards... nada. restarted. but this piece of shit still lost my files. 3 fucking years worth of images, reports, archives and ideas. KAPUT. 3 fucking hours of sitting in front of this piece of shit emitting waves of light that will ultimately blind me in the end, finishing a layout that i've been lagging on for months. KAPUT. next thing you know, my warranty will be over on this piece of shit and i wont be able to get it fixed for free anymore. oh wait. they never really fixed it the last 6 times i took it to get it repaired. so that doesnt help. oh yes.... p.s. if you're wondering why i'm still on this piece of shit, it's because it refuses to shut down. apparently, when Compaq designed this shitload they figured that it only needed an ON button and that the RESET and OFF buttons were completely unnecessary. dumbfucks. what a bunch of retards. yes people.. this is the future of America.
corporate america sucks. man. that whole corporate thing.... a whole nother story. ill save that one for later. its FUN! ((sarcasm people... get with the program))


April 27, 2001
bulk mail
wow. im finally online. woohoo. yeah. can you sense the sarcasm? man. why has this week been so incredibly BLEH? phone sales suck. fights suck. school sucks. getting sick sucks. getting booted from my room sucks. not having any time sucks. mci sucks. bills suck. not having money sucks. having to buy new tires suck. having to get my brakes fixed sucks. getting my car aligned sucks. getting regular oil in my car so that my car doesnt have that cool ass loud vrooom vrooom sound anymore sucks. quitting from my job sucks. not selling any phones sucks. developing allergies sucks. not understanding genetics sucks. finding out that i'm now on the ATT/GTE network sucks. having to be perky sucks. working at parkway plaza where everyone has bad credit, no style and no money sucks. rude customers/ people suck. getting fat sucks. going on a break sucks.
can you tell how my week has been going lately? yes oh yes. this has been an incredibly funtasmically great week. oh baby oh baby oh baby. i think im going to cry.
oh yeah.. and apparently, according to mall-goers everywhere, "no thanks" is now a state of being. hi how are you today? "no thanks" oh really, i never realized that people can be 'no thanks.' how does that feel like?


quickie4.23.01
i just checked the stats on this page... turns out that my hits are only 0.5% of the hits. YEY! and that's on this layout. i have yet to check the previous one. YEY! gloat gloat. shine shine. whoops. my head is swelling again.

April 23, 2001
the world is coming to an end! ACK! darn. i shoulda done my laundry.
so i sign on to asianavenue.com to do my daily check in. just to see if there are any new articles. or new polls. or maybe to check up on my notes. over the past month, AA has killed two of my favorite weekly articles. damnit. they've replaced it with some reading corner ((as if golden books are a source of deep shit)). and some new little thing.. its kind of a "who's blogging now" kind of thing. it's a list of AA bloggers. maaaaaan. i checked up on a coupla them... LAME! lame lame lame lame. grow up little girls and boys. the world does not center around you!
oh yes. and people are wondering what the hell happened to me because they havent seen me, talked to me, or blablabla in forever. oh yeah. i forgot that my cel died. kinda forgot to tell people the new number. oops. but still.. that's weird. no one ever wonders if im still alive. so getting those messages about "where've you been" kind scares me. wow. you people really do care. well... i'll believe it when everyone goes to erik's page and tells him that they linked from here. so i can get my big fat stack of dimes.
hesam quit. that gives me grounds to quit too. and i did. whoa. but scaredy-cat little me didnt just quit on the spot. i gave my 3 weeks. geez. if i had any balls i woulda just given my until-the-end-of-the-pay-period resignation. but my balls consist of two little cow-ear lookin things.. on the inside. man. being a girl sucks. wait.. no... being a wussy little girl sucks. wait no... im not a wussy little girl. im just nice. HEE. nice cuz i didnt bail on my boss in his time of need. yeah... there you go. im not a wuss... im just nice. and i do have balls damnit!


April 19, 2001
this is taking a looooooot of willpower. i got out of class 2 hours early today. i was expecting to stay the whole class... but the lab was short. so that left me with 2 looooong hours of nothing to do until i have to go to a class that i dont have to go to. well... i have to go. but only if i want to improve my grade. so its kind of a make up class for a missed class. so i dont have to go. but i really should. but knowing me.. the queen of ditch... i want to leave campus and go eat or something. or something. man. i've actually managed to stay on campus... with nothing to do... for an hour and a half of walking around. i finally broke down and went online. im so weak. bleh. 30 minutes until that class starts. but i dont have to go. i still have 5 weeks to make up 2 classes. but. man. this bites. i wanna leave. my parking spot sucks anyways. man. bleh. i should just go.... to class that is.


April 18, 2001
19 year old female college student seeks Filipino female companion (please... no lesbians) of same age group in San Diego. fun-loving, out-going (but not loud), critical (but not judgmental), smart (but not know-it-all), caring (but not a pussy), and a good friend (no backstabbers need apply). must know the ropes around cars, society, psychology, college life, and friendships. non-smoker please. i have bad lungs. possible best friend. i will offer the same that you offer me. and please... i emphasize... no lesbians.


April 17, 2001
Rick said that i forgot Mike on the Iczer page. oops. sorry mike. i just havent seen u in forever and a day. and you know.. ur the only guy that ill allow to sexually advance on my boyfriend. i know he really likes you. EW!
me and the guys at work decided to go on a group diet. we all work in a tiny little kiosk now, and at this rate, we wont all fit in it. mall food + no customers + cinnabon right in front of us = fat cell-phone sales people. so we're all in it together. just so that no one slips and starts up on the whole i-only-eat-grease-and-fat diet. no more BJs either. that was getting fatty and expensive. ack. so we're all basically on a diet. we're all getting memberships at 24-hour fitness (cuz its FREEE! just like our phones. TEEHEE!), and we're all there to support each other. and reprimand each other when temptation rears its ugly head. ACK. this is gonna be hard.


4.16.01
i said it once and ill say it again. i hate biters. man. i should really post after i read everyone else's blogs. but that's kinda off subject. so here i am.. sitting in the computer lab. all bored as usual. i should be doing my april calender or may calendar or whatever.. but im lazy. id rather read than type. so ANYWAYS... {maybe i can stay on track this time} i was reading through a coupla people's blogs. and WHOOPS! i think i hit a spot. same entries. weird beans. same concepts. ACK! NOT AGAIN! man. just when you think all the plagiarizing is all and done with, and some people have finally accepted that they are boring and lifeless and should not even attempt at writing something with content... they post something with content... but.. OOPS! it's someone else's words. and OOPS! it's someone else's words that they linked. geez people! when will you learn? give credit unto thee whose words you steal. damnit.

April 16, 2001
you know how a certain piece of clothing reminds you of someone in particular? like a certain jacket that someone always wears. or how its worn. or whatever. but that one article of clothing is part of the definition you have of a person. then when you see someone else with it on.. it just totally throws you off. wait... that's Bleh's jacket... but that's not Bleh wearing it. why is that guy wearing Bleh's jacket? i bet he jacked Bleh. oh man! what if Bleh is lying somewhere in a ditch cuz that foo jumped him for his jacket? i bet Bleh is freezing to death. oh no! i have to find Bleh! okay. not really that reaction. but it throws you off. well okay.. it throws me off.


4.15.01
reading blogs is starting to get on my nerves. its all becoming "so this is what i did today and yesterday." there's no thought input at all. it's just a documentary of what they did. man. it's not even as good as a documentary. at least documentaries have some kind of content. some side notes. these bloggers are just "iwent here" "i did this" "i went with blablabla" "i blablabla." BLEH! it sucks even more when they used to be interesting. man. i read their blogs cuz i like to think that i'm reading their diary or JOURNAL or something. when in the hell does someone just write what they did? uh... no. a journal is for thoughts and feelilngs. okay.. unless something really significant happened one day... when are you ever gonna sit threr and daydream about what you did during the day? can you imagine someone doing that? sitting in class totally zoned out trying to recall what kind of meat was in their sandwich and who was in class and how long it took them to get home and that they had practice and watched tv? and that's it. no "that meat was damn good" or "i didnt see her in class today... dang.. she's hot... too bad" or "freakin traffic was horrible! i was already exhausted from a long monotonous practice, only to hop onto the freeway and have a bunch of assholes cut me off." instead.. i read a lot of "i had a ham sandwich for lunch. then i went to practice and took a long time to get home. at home i watched tv. then did some homework. i wanted to go out. but i just slept instead." and that's the whole freakin entry. bleh. whatever. well gee mar, maybe you should just stop reading so you wont get so irritated. i know i should. but i still have hope that they'll snap out of it and write something with content or emotion.

April 15, 2001
Happy Easter everyone. yes. lent is over.., now go indulge yourselves with whatever you sacrificed for 40 long days. hey... its not like you had to walk across the desert for 40 days with only fish and bread right?
it's a time for new beginnings. Jesus is back in heaven taking his rightful place next to God, spring is here, and the neighbors are singing karaoke abnoxiously loud across the street. (or is that your house?) as for the rest of us... lent should have been a time when you were thinking back about everything you've done wrong within the past year. and making up for it. hey.. today you shoulda gotten rebaptised at church (well.. not necessarily re-baptised.. but you know..) and that's God's way of telling you that even tho you're a sinner, its all gravy baby. cuz he's putting his faith in you, as you put your faith in him, that you're gonna try harder this year.
ack. for me.. that means letting go of what has happened this past year and forgiving. regardless of what has happened, even through all that drama shit... bleh. i dunno exactly how to explain what im feeling right now... but it seems as if people from my past have been re-appearing. i've been getting calls outta the blue... i've benn actually getting talked to... weird beans. i dunno what it is. but since it's happening, i know that it has to be happening for a reason. and.. sure.. why not take a second chance? or a third. or whatever. maybe i've been too caught up in my bitterness to see that i was being too negaive about everything. that it was partly my fault. that all my pessimistic thoughts finally rubbed off on everyone else. that my giving up on everyone in turn led them to give up on me. maybe i should stop being so self-centered and start making the sacrifices again. it wasnt that bad. well actually.. yes it was. but.. that was all in the past. and this time i can change everything. cuz i already know what went wrong in the past... this time bailing isnt gonna be the solution. argh. man.. this is gonna be hard.
wow... what a lazy bastard i've become. maybe i shoulda done an april calendar. i think the last time i updated my calendar was like back in the beginning of march. whoa. that's a long time from now.
oh crap. laker game is over. maybe i should stop recording. ACK! it's the fat movie critic! oh man. i wanna see Josie and the Pussycats. there's something about that redheaded chick that plays josie that inspires me. hmm.. i dunno what it is tho.


April 13, 2001
it's friday the 13th, and surprisingly, i dont feel like shit. nothing compared to yesterday. yesterday just SUCKED. started off waking up late (5 am) to do my panda project. so i get up, get on the computer, and start working. about halfway through the project, my computer fucks up completely. SHIT! so i scurry my stinky scrubby ass to school in hopes that i can finish everything up there. guess what... the system is down. DOUBLE SHIT! so here i am, late for meeting my lab partner, no work done whatsoever, and NADA! i finally get some help from some dickhead computer guy who screws me over. and some nice chick finally helps me out, prints my shit, and i bolt to class 10 minutes late. oops. sorry jae. everything was against me yesterday.
but today, i woke up to a beautiful morning. studied sufficiently for my midterm exam, and actually didnt do so bad. if i calculated right, i should be doing about a high C or a middle B on that exam. which should pull my grade right up from a C-. *whew* and my bio teacher kinda smiled at me when i handed in my exam. he had the "i've seen you paying attention in class. i have mucho confidence in you young lady" look in his eyes. YEY!
so now that all this academic crap is outta the way... 6 weeks to go and i KNOW im not gonna screw up completely in 6 weeks.... i can finally have a chance to deal with more important crap. my health, for one. my friendships, another. their the things ive been putting off on fixing because ive been so involved with everything else. work. school. work. school.
its funny how everything seemed to have happened during lent. a majority of my hardships during lent. weird beans. i guess because i missed so much church and broke down about 5 or 6 times from my sacrifice, and ate meat a coupla times on fridays. without repention. this weekend is gonna be different tho. im off on sunday, and im gonna have the best easter ive ever had in my life. man. i guess i never stopped and realized how horrible i've been during the past 40 days. and in turn that's why everything has been horrible to me. a sense of karma from life. but now i know better. and now everything's gonna change. hey... its spring isnt it? time for new beginnings. man... cant you just feel the enlightenment?


April 11, 2001
i woke up at 4:45 this morning with a jolt. i didnt accomplish anything last night. i have all this shit due today at 8am. and i didnt do shit. i spent the whole night bullshitting online and visiting a friend. i didnt even go to that damn seminar for my new job. SHIT! get your priorities straight maria! what the fuck is wrong with you?
damnit. and last night, reality slapped me in the face. here i was thinking as long as im learning something, then i dont need to prove it with my grades. i think ill just breeze through this semester. hell no. i still have to pull my gpa up for my parents. i need to show myself that i do know my shit. even if i know that i do... how else can i show my instructors. ack. okay mar. next third of the quarter, i really gotta buckle down and get my shit straight. no more of this lagging. no more ditching. no more chatting while im sposed to be paying attention. no more sleeping. fuck. this is gonna be hard. can i get some motivation here?


April 10, 2001
inspired
it's been a while since i signed on to apartment107. so today, just to see if they posted my article (it was a little vulgar), i decided to check. WHOA! they posted it! haha. and i look over at my guestbook signatures... WHOA! there's 60 more than the last time i checked (which was like 5 days ago). so i began reading through them. and... tsk tsk tsk. i dont think i got my message across to those unfortunate girls whose brains were to small to contemplate that their brains were too small. damnit. and they applauded me for my "well written" article (which in my opinion was mediocre as it was written in haste). and little did they realize that the type of girls that i was dissing was THEM. idiots.
but.. will someone please help me get my head into this beanie? it seems to have grown a lot. i think all of this attention is getting to my head. you think? nah. haha. well.. yeah! haha. all the while i was reading my fanmail, i was trying to conjur up another article to wow the public. maybe ill put some effort into it this time, instead of emotion. but emotion always wins over effort. so i dont know what im saying right now. ack. hee. now i see why all these asian people at parkway plaza keep looking at me funny. "hey... that's the girl that wrote that article in apt107, should we go say hi?" HAH! and then i ask them if they want a free phone. damn. im a bone-head. that coulda been a sale! hee.
okay. im an idiot when im happy. i feel like posting something else. but.. ACK! got about 4 hours of homework to finish up. that's what lagging does. LAG LAG LAG! no more internet! time to buckle down and get some shit accomplished. ARGH!


April 9, 2001
there's so much to do today i dont even know where to begin. its 1130ish and im not even close to finishing up what needs to be done.
-laundry
-go to millers to return pants
-pick up paycheck
-pay for Bank of America bill
-deposit check
-finish up withdrawing from english 220
-call collections agency about error
-call MCI about phone
-call bank about new account
-return blockbuster video
-finish 8 art assignments
-begin studying for bio midterm on friday
-start on Panda project
damnit. i think that's just half of it. there's more. but my brain is just way too fried to think right now. ack. tomorrow is gonna be ten times worse with ten times more things to do. ack!


April 8, 2001
i finally checked my mail today. damnit. i received 2 notices from collections agencies. i dont even recognize the company that's requiring payment. WHAT THE FUCK? this is the reason my credit is fucked up at a very young age. thats not good. its all screwy cuz all of that shit is payed off too. i should be raging right now. but im not. im too tired to be. eh. oh well. ill get all this shit straight tomorrow.
saw james today. hmmm... it was awkward but not really. it was whunna those "what do i do?" situations, where you just act normal, but it's really not, and it just feels normal because you're acting normal, but not really. i dunno. we had a few seconds to talk. he apologized... not for anything specific, but he just did. i dunno what it is. its still a little weird to me. specially with this whole jeanelle writing me letters thing. whoa. its like... they're reading my mind or something. (editor's note: your mind is posted online you nimrod). like they finally realize what all this drama shit is doing to my mentality. i'd digress. but im tired.
i think ill go put on a movie and fall asleep to it. im beat. 10 hours of work will do that to you.


4.6.01
ive been sitting in this lab for about 4 hours straight. just... doing nothing really. ive seen about a million people pass by. a lot of tourist groups too. look over there. there's a light-skinned asian family (im guessing korean) at the campus directory. i think they're trying to figure out where they are. or something. 2 highschool kids and their mom. damn its cold in this corner of the lab. im smack dab in the middle of the a/c's pathway. hmm... getting a wee bit nipply arent we? hey look at her... she looks like she needs to take a shit. oh man. cel phones cel phones everywhere. check out this slut shorts and a tank top in the middle of the freezing cold weather. professor. student. student. student. janitor. student. student. God im bored. that girl needs braces. that guy needs to get his fat ass on a treadmill and lose that belly. ew. so does she. that's gross. dont flaunt that shit. ewwwyy. look at these two. they look like they would be awesome friends.. for a day. damnit. maybe i should just go look for a job instead of sitting here pathetically. man. should i even go to class? midterm next friday.. but.. eh. i dunno. bleh. i think ill go to class now. booooo. oh yeah. dont eat meat today. its friday.

4.6.01
i give up. here's a crap layout. looking like everything else on the net. looking like all the other html-disabled people. but hey.. it matches what im wearing right now. so that makes it totally okay. HAH. not really. maybe i should advertise something on the very top. other than that annoying geocities banner that pops up every time you enter. bleh. oh well. i was thinking of making a front page too. but that whole "click here to enter" thing just pisses me off when i encounter it on someone else's page. its like "welcome. i know you've been clicking around all day. so here's one more unnecessary click to get to your destination." gee. thanks. i guess i wont be doing that. the whole mouse-over layout wasnt working. it just took too damn long to load. when i did it, it didnt create the "aaahhhh" feeling that i wanted. so i think ill just stick to this "huh" feeling that you're stuck with right now. bleh. oh yeah... sorry if your computer freezes.... im making it load pictures. =X

April 6, 2001
ACK! recently, i've talked to a coupla other namezero.com account members who re-direct their sites. and it turns out that they got caught up by namezero. cuz under the agreement, we must ALWAYS have the namezero banner just sitting there on the bottom of the screen so that they can advertise to all of you lovely people. just in case you havent realized, i am not paying for this .com. i just kinda signed up for it on the count that i would freely advertise for namezero.com. oops. i redirected. and no banner is up. imma get in trouble soon. that's when ill go and buy a .com. just to keep all you folks happy with a short url. but anyhoo... just in case namezero ever DOES shut me down, at least you should know the url to the place where i redirect you... right?
so here it is. bare with me now... cuz its kinda lame...
http://www.oocities.org/i52govroomi
how lame is that? haha. just cut and past people. cut and paste. then bookmark it as you normally would. and leave it there... you know.. just for reassurance. i know how devastated you would be if you could never find me again. =X


4.4.01
perhaps i shoulda explained myself a little more than i did. those three are excerpts from people that have played very important roles in my life. use the language, tone, and words. extract the meaning, and you tell me who/what/where things went wrong. crap. emotions are creepin up again. i gotta post something else.
hey! damnit. erik has a big stack of dimes just waiting for me at his house. just waiting so that wunna you fools tag something in the words portion of his site and mention 52govroom.com. come one people! do you not support me or something? or are my friends just not worth your time? welll... apparently, you cant sign my guestbook either, so why should you sign someone else's? BLEH. you suck. lazy ass. oooh... you have to type. yeah... like you're not doing that right now as you get bombarded by instant messages. yeah i know. foo. so get ur ass over to erik's and post something! i could care less if it was just "hi im from mar. 52govroom.com" i dont care. i want my dime damnit!

April 4, 2001
:::contradictions:::
a true friend
is one who understands where you have been,
accepts who you have become and
loves you unconditionally as you are.
she does not wish you "luck"
as you step out into the unknown...
she walks into the void by your side. she will not offer distractions
nor easy advice in your time of need...
instead shje will pray for wisdom,
born of compassion and a willingness
to take yur pain upon herself.
such a friend will always speak of you
when you are not present, as though you were,
and though she may not always share you
sunny days, shw will always be there to help
through the stormy ones.
she is not skeptical of your blooming
nor jealous of your shining apart from her,
for she seeks not to steal your joy,
but to multiply it.
it has been well said that there is no
greater love than this...
for a true friend does not take life from
you, she gives you her own.

sitting here
now where've you gone to, and can i follow?
made me cry you didnt say goodbye.
but now that i found you, you're with someone else
i guess ill just sit here, wither and die
you know that i need you. i wish i can say
that you need me, but it didnt work out that way.
if you ever loved me, that time has passed.
so what do i do? cuz i still love you.
what did i do wrong? you left my heart broken.
dont stay away, you know you're forgiven.
do you see the pain you put? you put me through?
please come back. i miss you. i miss you.
im so sorry that you're gone.
so now im alone and your loves up and i lack.
go on with you life, dont ever look back.
please dont look at me... your stare's too much.
ill just wait and love for your touch.
just say you loved me once, and please dont lie.
ill just sit here and wither and die.

we never told each other how we felt and stuff about things and all. and if we did it was always on paper or it ended up bringing about some argument and i dont want that anymore. i know you could probably care less if you had me as a friend or not, and i accept that. but, you know, we're both smart people and wisdom only increases when you have other smart people around. i'm not saying i'm using you for wisdom. i'm not using you for anything. not to go to calpoly. not even company. cuz i dont feel alone or anything anymore cuz i've chosen to live my life on a certain path. so why would i want the friendship back? well, i admit, there are times when i just miss having you around.

funny how things change. sad how things turn out.


*it's when i go deeper into your brain that i know that you dont care. its the little things that tip me off. when i dont see it, the big things just dont matter anymore. thats how i lost you. thats why i keep him.*

April 2, 2001
im still trying to figure out where it is that i went wrong. or what it was that stuck me in my situation. is it me? is it them? or is it just something else completely? where did everybody go? i dont know. for now, i guess ill have to deal with it. at least its not something overly distracting. like having brain cancer or something.
5 things i would need to survive
5. food/water
4. thick filipino blankets
3. shoes/underwear
2. sleep
1. genaro
notice how friends, computer, internet, cell phones or money was nowhere to be found on there? man. i musta been bored in art.


earlymorning4.01.01
hey i just realized that it's april fool's day. ack. thats gonna be fun at work. i can just imagine all the dickheads that will go "okay, ill buy a phone. APRIL FOOLS!" assholes.
BUT ANYWAYS.... go visit erik and click on "word" and post something. then mention that you got linked from wwwdot52govRoomdotcom. yeah yeah yeah! i mean it! i get a dime for every person i link to there. come on! ill share with you. purty purty pleeeeese??? hee. you get a whole nickel outta the deal. maaan. you swear like you have something better to do than surf online. and i know you're always looking for something interesting to read. COME ON! damnit. im serious about the nickel too. man. come on. you cant lose! =) im smiling. can you tell? GOOD MORNING WORLD!