4.30.02.feelin.blue
all day i was just talkin to a bunch of guys. i spent all day trying to waste away my mobile to mobile mnutes. and you know what came out of it? i dont know. some good friends i guess. sometimes i dont understand why i even try. because i know all of these damn games i play all end up biting me in the ass in the end. or i feel really bad about all the shit i do... then get guilt tripped into doing shit. FACK!
jan said:: "mar, dont make it a horse race." i replied: "but its not jan. cuz i already have a winner."
yeah. i have a winner. this whole thing is RIGGED! but i jsut wanna play some games while im at it. but SHIT! they're playing games too! damnit damnit damnit. sometimes... i know that its better to just go *BAM*!!! and just slap people in the face with my message... but... right now... i dont know. maybe im just craving attention. my foot has been twitching a lot lately. and its a pet peeve. pet peeve pet peeve. but ive been doing it a lot. you know what that's a sign of? sexual frustration. i think i just need to make out with someone for a while. that should hold me off for a good week or so. or something...but i know better. i know i shouldnt. i have the willpower not to do it.. but with so many options... its hard to keep it in. i just wanna pull wunna these guys in and say "hey. just kiss me. hold me. and keep me safe." i know i shouldnt... but right now... eh. iono. i know... i know.. i KNOW!
FAACCKKKK!!!! damnit. okay. no more games. but if i vent, i vent. just deal with it. bleh. you'll see... damnit damnit damnit damnit! grr. isnt this why i wanted to be single? oh wait....
i remember a post a couple of months ago... that went a little something like this...
okay. i give up. i just dont wanna deal with it anymore. i hate it when you give people a chance and they just turn their back on you. they act like they're the only one at risk. whatever. im so over all of this. i give up. i give up. i give up. i give up. i tried. you know i tried. but when someone gives up on you, theres not much you can do. especially when you were at greater risk. especially when you put more out on the line than they did. UGH! im so fucking TIRED OF IT! (3.10.02) especially if you give up EVERYTHING just for a chance. and now you realize... is it really worthit? the truth hurts. and thats why im not gonna go there. thats why i CHOOSE to be blind. that's why i CHOOSE to be in this state of mind that im in right now. thats why. THATS why. damnit. i feel another beyond maRfiles entry brewin. grrr.


April 30, 2002
it was a few months ago when emil told me to call up this random guy and leave the following message:: "hi brian. this is the girl from AE. yeah. okay. i just wanted to say hi. okay bye." turned out that brian was some guy that worked in the same mall as i did and had the biggest crush on me... or something.. or something. well all is well when you are single. emil is tryin to hook us up again because he can now. so last night, me n brian talked for forever and a day. refrained me from doing a very important paper that i had due this morning (which by the way i still have to finish researching. its okay..ill be in school all day... so its cooooooz) but anyhow... yeah. brian is funny.... BUT... (there's always a big BUTT!!!... except my ass is SMALL!) ye. lesson number ONE is biting me in the ass. i refuse to believe that im getting numbers and random phone calls from hot boys and doing it on my own. HAH! there's some boba force acting on it. eep! have i said too much? or is it one of those random phrases? either which way, i make no sense.
oh ye... the original hot-boy-w/-no-game came by n talked to me this morning in commons. what is it about hot boys w/ no game? maybe since they're so hot (n oh so yummy n tall), the world feels an imbalance and swipes away their game.... you know... just to make it fair for the not-so-hot-boys. sorry guys.
but who cares. formals is in 3 weeks. and finals are in 2 weeks. and conference is in 4 weeks. and next week i start my new job. eep eep! i need to get my head out of the clouds and back into the books. lack of sleep is making me delirious. and causing some heavy baggage underneath the eyes (oh well. maybe that's an attractive trait for all the nocturnals out there)
hey what happened on monday? how come none of yalls were hittin me up huh? WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT??? im not good enough to be a daily? awww. weakness. you suck. no. i dont like you anymore. no. go away. you didnt view me yesterday. ass.
crap. i have a paper to do. DAMNIT! why dont you just leave me alone already? you're makin me LAG LAG LAG again! (haha. just kidding! i love you too)

can yah TELL that its that time of the month? EWW!! T.M.I! T.M.I!!!! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!! okay. rewind.


April 28, 2002
hot boy kept me up all night last night. we were talkin from like 11-3am. eep! n he's been callin a lot (late at night) we're supposed to chill during his awake (nocturnal) hours sometime this week. wow. check me out. and tonight... hot boy #2 IMed me. yum. yum. YUM! hahah. too bad hot boy #2 is taken... but whatever.
remember lesson number ONE?? "being unattainable makes you more attractive to the opposite sex. for example: being gay or having a significant other. im not getting passed as many numbers or being flirted with half as much as i used to be. did i just get UGLY the moment that i became available? what the hell is up with that?" hahaha. just when... oh man. life likes to tease me. not saying that im unavailable or anything.... "its complicated."
but you know what? jan says... ITs obvious. and you know what? i dont like to stray. ;) and i know i dont make any kind of sense right now... but i swear to you.. this all makes sense to me in my head. even makes sense to jan! haha.



4.27.02.friedrich.nietzche.greatest.weight.
what, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: "This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence- even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!"
would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: "You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine." if this thought gained posession of you, it would change you as you are or perhaps crush you. the question in each and every thing, "Do you desire this once more and innumerable times more?" would lie upon your actions as the greatest weight. or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?
food for thought... live your life. because you never know... you might have to do it all over again.

April 27, 2002
brace yourself... er.. actually... get comfy... this is gonna be LONG entry!

wow! first of all... let me thank you for your patience. just try to keep up okay? haha. okay... ((im really gonna start now))
I LOVE BEING GREEK!!!!!! tonight was greek week talent show. basically, its a giant GREEK airband. but its not like each frat/sorority does their own thang... we join up with RANDOM frats/ sororities and we all have to work TOGETHER (SOOO GREEK!!!) to make a big show. it was AWESOME!!! the energy.. the spirit.. the love. OH WOW! it was like a big fat concert but funner. cuz i had my sisters with me. and we were feelin all the love from the other greeks. wowowoowowow! that was the greatest. i havent had that much fun since... i dont know. it was fun fun FUN!!! there was NO downside to it. no drama. no beef. NOTHING! none of those stereotypes... none of the usual talking behind each others' backs. none of the usual "ew, she's panhelenic" / "ew. she's USFC" it was so GREEK! that's why i love being greek. the unity. the community. the love. its just all gravy. and you know what? the event was in the OPEN AIR THEATER!!! and you know what? it was raining like a motherfucker!!! and you know what??? WE DIDNT CARE!!!! we were so pumped. we were so energized. NOTHING could ruin the vibe. NOTHING. not even mother nature could stop us greeks! it was fun. i know im gonna pay for it with my health... but i dont care. it was worth it. being greek reminded me of why i was involved in high school. CUZ I LOVE IT. i love the energy. its fun. and its good, clean fun (but the after party... thats a WHOLE nother story!) and the best part is... it was all for a good cause. greek week must have raise MUCHO moolah for the boys and girls club.
and then.... afterwards. initially i was gonna go celebrate w/ my sisters for winning second place (baps to danny for choreographing the first place routine!)... but it was a good time for chill time. so i decided to meet up with mr. mark. got boba at green tea (which by the way was PACKED.. what the HELL????)... and as we were leavin i ran into some relatives. WHOA. how weird is that. and these arent cousins.. like and aunt and uncle. what the heez? dayum! haha that was cools. then we headed out to ronnel's apartment. and to my surprise.... TADA!!! "samahoes" but they were cool. funny.
WHAT THE FUCK??? its a SMALL WORLD! damn. okay. so we go there. of the 5 chicks that were there::: 1 was is in my poli sci 320 class. one was wunna the girls from samahan banquet that was at my table. one is wunna allan (beta)'s ex gf. one was a fellow findapix addict. and one was just SO familiar. i just cant put my finger on it. proceeding... Jo an AE customer who i just never helped much. then RAMEDY came by. then LESTER came by. WHAT THE FUCK??? all in the same fucking apartment? OH HELL NO! all night long... it was like an episode of "this is your life." good LAWD! i need to get the fuck out of san diego.

and there's nothing like a 30 minute cruise down 805 south at 2:00am. the road is so empty. i just shut off the music and let my mind wander on its own. theres a lot going on in this little head of mine. but i came to one, solidified conclusion::: im the most confused motherfucker out there. i should just split myself into two. because thats how everything is to me. right now... im tilted. not exactly balanced. but i think its the quest for balance (which i know ill never get) that keeps me going. hey... im a libra. expect it. its just that... decisions are so hard to make right now. in every aspect of my life. and each side is pulling... and pulling hard. i know which way i want to go. i know which way i should go. the hard part is... they're both different paths. so here i am... at a SUPER FORK. there are so many decisions to make... and here i am in limbo... letting the wind take me where ever it wants to. im just scared of falling. cuz as soon as that wind stops... ill fall. being carried away like this just leaves me to a random future. i dont know where im headed. i dont even know which direction the wind is taking me. i just know im enjoying it while it lasts. but as soon as this wind dies... ill be dropped. and where ill end up... i just dont know. i feel like i should just TAKE CONTROL instead of letting the wind take control of me. so at least i know where ill end up... but i dont know. we'll see i guess.
ahh. im glad i posted. p.s. please try not to talk to me about posts. cuz when i post... that's my way of releasing it. it frees my mind from whatever it is because ive VENTED. as soon as i vent... i forget. AH. there. ive vented. err... if you choose to bring up old posts... please remind me of the content of the post. or ill just look at you funny and say "huh?" yeah. exactly. yalls that talk to me... you know what im talkin about. eep!


4.25.02.blink.blink.wink.wink.
In the car I just can't wait,
to pick you up on our very first date
Is it cool if I hold your hand?
Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?
Do you like my stupid hair?
Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?
I'm too scared of what you think
You make me nervous so I really can't eat

Let's go, don't wait, this night's almost over
Honest, let's make this night last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever

When you smile, I melt inside
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time
I really wish it was only me and you
I'm jealous of everybody in the room
Please don't look at me with those eyes
Please don't hint that you're capable of lies
I dread the thought of our very first kiss
A target that i'm probably gonna miss

Let's go,don't wait, this night's almost over
Honest, let's make this night last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever

Let's go, don't wait, this night's almost over
Honest, let's make, this night last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever

April 25, 2002
sometimes i just want to give up. throw it all away- everything ive ever worked for, everything ive ever accomplished. and just let it all go down the drain. for a new start. start fresh with no strings attached from my life now. to become a new person.
but its not that easy. everything has strings attached. it doesnt matter if its the guy that you pass by on a weekly basis on your way to class or work. they all hold ties to you that is just not an easy thing to break. thats just how life is. and the past will always haunt you like a motherfucker. its no use right? yeow well. its a nice thought.

on the upside::: i went to all 5 classes today! PROUD OF ME????? i am! so is my LIPS!
hey! so okay.. does anyone have a tactful way of getting a guy off my jock? so this guy right... has my number. and knows my schedule. and bugs the hell out of me! its like "HELLO!!! i dont want to talk to you! get the fucking point!!" but this guy... DAMNIT! its like the only way i can get him to stop jockin is to hook up with another guy. but i dont wanna do that (just yet *wink wink*) anyone wanna be my pretend boyfriend for a while?
... damn. im just not used to not being the center of someone's life. darn. i need some TLC. LIPS would work too.


April 24, 2002
work. bleh. work work work. mark, you're right. i DO work too much. but its okay. cuz im strong. I CAN DO IT! and you know i can too. but EY! i called u after work n u never picked up. punk. KIDDING. you were probably sleeping. good. you need your rest. boba and hookah! boing boing boing boing! (just kidding)
a hot boy messaged me! wowowowow! funny. cute (w/ the chinky eyes, height, and everything! (refer to 4.22.02 blogspot for details of "everything"), and FUNNY! wowowowowwow! im excited. hahah. okay. supercheese. he hangs out with hot girls tho. so i dont think im in the running. oh well. nice to dream right?
bla bla bla blah. i swear i had substance when i intended to write this. eh. maybe if i babble some more then it will come to me... OH YEAH!!! **RESTART POST**

are you scared? cuz im not. im not even hesitating. you know why? cuz i know what i want. even though it may not seem like it, i do. i know where im headed. i know how i feel. i have control. im just waiting for everything to fall into place. cuz i know.... i just do. you know i do. and everything will fall into place. just watch. but you have to let the wind just pick you up and carry you where you need to be. spread your wings and prepare to fly. dont fight it. but we'll see. someday.... eventually... together.


4.23.02.never.made.it.to.class.eep!
hey. you know what? can you please just tell me not to post while im on the phone? or late at night? or something. cuz these last few posts have been SO pathetic. where's the substance? huh? are you checking back as a daily reminder that "HEY! this is what i did today. uh hur hur hur. hyuk hyuk. um. duhhhhhh"
okay. tell me not to post without substance. but where would all the humor go???? hah. okay. no really. im gonna be forever addicted to the findapix.com forum and the iloveraving.com forum. fun fun fun! just like back in the good ol days when cool people were all up in the asianavenue.com forums. or *gasp* even the gerard reyes forums. the gerard forums were the best. fun fun fun. but the asianavenue forums were very.... i liked the car forum. that was fun. cuz everyone was either bashin or sharing secrets. and yah know what? i always came (up) on top. CUZ I ROCK! (*poof* okay. mild ego boost. give me that okay? i really need it right now)
i want some dennys. but no dennys partner. cuz everyone is busy. damnit. or its too late to go out. ITS NEVER TOO LATE FOR DENNYS! or too early for that matter. yum yum yum yum yum. (((monkey monkey monkey monkey))) i dont get it.

April 23, 2002
so jan says that by reading my blogs, its OBVIOUS. the "WHAT" that is obvious... well isnt it obvious? hey people. entertain me. tell me if IT is obvious. just tell me what you think it is.
IM TIRED. but you know what? everything will be fine. finished up an AphiG meeting a little late. worked a little overtime. tried to do a paper as soon as i got home... but ended up talking to mark (and still am) all night. so i guess ill pull an all nighter. cuz i have nothing to do tomorrow night and i dont have work until the afternoon on wednesday. so really.. i have time to rest.

.....but knowing me... ill be doing something. or hanging out with someone. or something. something always comes up. or ill probably end up at work again working some more overtime. OVERTIME! all which goes to paying off taxes. damn the man.
hey big bro... i havent heard from you in a long time. your lil' sis needs some attention. its bad enough that i was the child of a divorce. =T


April 22, 2002
last night (er. that couple of hours i was sleeping between mark and church) i had a dream. i had a dream that i had a rebound. and you know what i felt after i woke up? i felt like since i HAD one already, there was no use in having one in real life. that, and i figger.... i really just want a rebound just for the sake of having one. i was trippin yesterday/saturday. i just needed a little TLC, and thanks to all u guys that gave it to me... i owe you ;)! so no rebounding for mar. i dont need it. the feeling of independence has finally set in, and im ready to take on the world.
sometimes i wonder how other people do it. as im typing, its 1:11 am. i got off work almost an hour ago. after falling asleep at 5 am (is that right mark?), i had to get my sleepy ass up for church, run errands, and then work. LOTS AND LOTS of work. so im tired. my body hurts, but my mind is wide awake and i really cant sleep. WHAT'S WRONG? ugh. i dont know. but i have a meeting tomorrow after work (which is in like 7 hours). then a political science paper to finish cuz its due at 8 am tuesday. argh. its gonna be WEIRD having a part time job and no school. holy shit. im so used to having a full plate that having a teeny weeny saucer-sized serving of a day will be quite overwhelming. but we'll see. wont we.
hey LIPS... can you ESP me some ISK please? if you do, i wont turn into a TAB! im still gonna hold that DSL thang against you. grr. haha. but ey...SWEET SWEET! ill tell u what that means soon. eep! and ey! im so depressed in my car w/out my CD. so share! share!
um. yeah. isnt that what email is for?


4.21.02.we.slept.at.5.am?
::rules of rebound::
ONE:: never ever ever rebound with a good friend. sure it may seem convenient... even "RIGHT" at the time... but trust me... its not cool. rebounding with a friend jeopardizes the friendship. because it's JUST a rebound. nothing more. and when it's over... then you just lost a very good friend. rebound with a stranger. brings you new experiences. new friends. and if it doesnt work out (and its inevitable that it WONT), then theres no big loss.
TWO:: rebounds should be short, sweet, and to the point. the point is... it brings you OUT of that relationship mode. makes you realize that you dont NEED someone in your life. its better to be single and happy than hooked up and not happy. when you're in rebound, you start to realize that dependence is not the way to go. dependence on another person just sets you up for disappointment when you do end up alone. having a rebound opens your eyes to your own potential. to see the ROCKSTAR within. you dont need to be attached.
THREE:: sex is not the answer. yeah. you probably already know that.
FOUR:: change is good. on the outside. but on the inside... keep it real. better to have substance AND looks than just LOOKS. looks fade. but personality stays FOE LYFE.

April 21, 2002
hung out with edwin today. er.. tonight. i wanted to go smoke some hookah, but we just hung out instead. tonight just further reinforced SFL (single foe life) lesson number ONE:: being unavailable makes you more attractive to the opposite sex. being ith him also taught me that opportunities dont only come once. because if they did, then those 8 years we've known each other would have been one big blur, instead of what they have come to be. there will be "next times." fate just tests your character at your weakest points.
had a long talk with mark too. he was a little tipsy, so it made it pretty interesting. a sneak preview of what to come on May 18th. i think i finally made a decision:: after may 18th, i think i will become a TAB. i've always wanted to be LIPS (looks, intelligence, personality and STANDARDS), but that doesnt get you anywhere. TABs have all the fun. and TABs dont think.... ignorance is bliss. and that's exactly what i need right now. on the up side... but also i guess the down side.... mark upgraded from a TAB-hunter to a loyal LIPS chaser. which is always a good thing. so maybe i should put off being a TAB and extend my goal of LIPS-dom.... maybe give opportunity a chance to knock on a different door. but we'll see. i just need to worry about me for a while. need to be greedy.
i forgot what else we talked about. we were talking for a long time tho. dont even remember falling asleep. but that's always how it is, isnt it. which makes me wonder what i was saying. or where i went. ugh. i dont know. i just know... BOING BOING BOING BOING BOING BOING!!!!!


April 20, 2002
had a talk with mark last night. its nice to vent freely without some stigma about an audience. its always nice. and its always nice to talk to mark.
had a talk with genaro too. but that one didnt go too well.
i think ill be hitting *BOING* mode pretty soon. this time, im actually looking forward to randomness. it will be good for me not to think. i know that in the long run that *BOING* will bite me in the ass, but as for now.... all i need is my sanity. *****NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS******

20 yr. female college student looking for a REBOUND. prefer MALE. 20-24 yrs. old. medium build, 5'9"+, chinky eyes, warm, affectionate, flexible schedule. fun-loving. fun to talk to. FUNNY (humor is a MUST in my life). laid back style. if you want a relationship first, expect not to be with me for long. friendship first can lead to long term romance. but we'll see. please contact me at maria@52govroom.com with a brief description. thanks.

how was that? eh. that's a little long for a personal ad tho. too expensive for the newspaper. then id end up with all these psychos emailing me. ew. but they would be nice test subjects for the future.
but here i am. just tyring to avoid everything. but that's what i need right now. to get away from all this stress. to get away from EVERYTHING. UGH. i dont know. i really need to just chill out. May 18th, im gonna just FORGET everything. may 18th will mark the new me. til then, let me just DEAL with everything. so i can get it all out of my system. so i can have a REAL new start. no strings attached. i just have to figure out what im aiming for. figure out what im going to BE after may 18th. (drunk! haha)



April 18, 2002
lesson FIVE:: love is blind. even when you think you're out of it... it still makes your knees weak, your stomach turn, and your eyes roll up behind your head. as hard as you may WANT to see, you still wont be able to. love just does that to you.
lesson SIX:: regression is a sign of weakness. period.
lesson SEVEN:: change is good. its good for the heart. good for the soul. good especially when you're crazy. yes. change is good.
lesson EIGHT:: you never really find out who your real friends are until they see you, and you alone.
lesson NINE:: break ups dont work out very well when you share something big (i.e. a car, a kid, or a house:: just look at britney and justin)
lesson TEN:: absence makes the heart grow fonder. but presence makes the heart ache.


April 16, 2002
i hate having to think about what everyone else is feeling. cuz then i get all confused cuz i want what's best for them. and i dont like to disappoint people. and i dont like to hurt people. even when i get hurt too. but that's the aspect of my personality that just screws me over all the time. GRR.
i hate seeing what someone feels about me. because its so hard to deny. because its so hard to just turn away and tell myself that what has happened is in the past, and what will happen is all that i will it to be. but then ... knowing me... i just break down and do what is necessary to make that other person happy. i dont know. i just have to stop being so generous and understanding. its gonna get me bad in the end.
[okay. new subject] you know those times in the past that were hella good times? that certain person that you always turned to and laffed with when everything else in the world was spinning out of control. they were the person that you could always count on. they were the person that could lift your spirits with one text message. they were the person that would travel miles and miles and miles just to see you for a couple of minutes. but there was some outside force that wouldnt allow you to be with that person. and there were so many things left unsaid... but were felt so greatly in your hearts... that you just had to deny. so where is that person now? and why has that relationship crumbled to almost nothing? and why is it that every time you make contact, its always so negative? i dont understand it. i dont think i ever will. but now is the optimum time to start trying to. because right now.... well yeah. you understand my sitch right? (uh hur. PLUG PLUG PLUG!)


April 15, 2002
you never think it will happen to you or someone you know... or at least someone you are close to. and then it does. and what do you do? you gasp. you stare blankly. you let it all seep in. you try to rationalize everything in your head. but you cant. so you cry. because you feel their pain... or your pain. because there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. and theres nothing you can do now to erase what has happened. you cant even try to forget it or deny it because from now on, it will be thrust in your face everyday.
so what do you do now? all you can do is be strong. for yourself and for them. because that's the only thing humanly possible. that's the only thing you have control of. because its all over. all the damage has been done. and theres nothing you can do. nothing. NOTHING!!!!
i just wish it didnt hurt this much. and if im hurting this much, i can only imagine how much it hurts them. if im crying this much, then i can only imagine how much they cry at night. and its not like you can DO anything. because... because that shit stays with you for life.


April 14, 2002
its been a while since i've been single. its taking a little while to get the hang of everything... so here... a few lessons i've learned in the past week:::
lesson ONE:: being unattainable makes you more attractive to the opposite sex. for example: being gay or having a significant other. im not getting passed as many numbers or being flirted with half as much as i used to be. did i just get UGLY the moment that i became available? what the hell is up with that?
lesson TWO:: even though you're okay for the first week... that sadness will catch up to you eventually. for a while, i was wondering why i wasnt feeling as much remorse as i should be. i mean HELLO it was a four year relationship. =P its just now starting to settle in and finally realizing what i let go of. love is something that you just cant throw away, let go of, or IGNORE. i was in denial for a while... but now i see. just hope i dont slip into rebound.
lesson THREE:: confidence goes hand in hand with security. i never had to worry about impressing anyone because i had the security of having a boyfriend. "so what if he doesnt like me? i already HAVE someone."
lesson FOUR:: planning gets you NOWHERE. because you never know what's gonna happen tomorrow. you dont have control over everything. so why bother? just live life by the edge of your seat and you'll be fine.
right now im just trying to hang in there. i know i still have a lot to learn. i still have a lot to get used to. and a lot of changes to make in my lifestyle. just give me time. and see the progress... hey... that's what you're reading for anyway right?


April 12, 2002
so what do you do when you know what you want... but what you want is not good for you? i know the obvious answer... "then you stick with what's good for you. you cant always get what you want."> but its not like im talking about a big fatty steak. so its not exactly that easy. so what do you do? i really want to know. do you need an example???
okay for EXAMPLE (lets keep in mind that this is ONLY an example!!!) ::: wait.. nevermind... i dont know how to put this situation in example-format. =P


April 11, 2002
wish me luck today. 2 big exams and i ended up sleeping at 3ish. gr. you nocturnal people have to start sleeping. your sleeping... or lack of sleeping patterns are really throwing me off. damn. i knew i shoulda bought that 30 pack of red bull at costco when i had the chance. p.s. i have grippa pics. but no scanner. sucka. sucks for me. sucks for you too. eep! oh well. i should be studying. but i saw an open computer so im taking advantage. tonight is gonna be a very long night. so is today. but we'll see. grr. argh. must. keep. studying. THUD!!!!!
crap. i am addicted. you need to stop me. excessive traffic doesnt help either. cuz then im sitting here typing away so you wont leave cuz of lack of posts. whatever. im running on ZERO rest. bad dreams last night. =P sisters are calling. i need to peace out. eep.


April 10, 2002
waiting. sucks doesnt it? waiting for someone late. waiting for the train to get there. waiting for class to be over. waiting for the laundry to finish. waiting in a waiting room. waiting for someone to get the hint. waiting for someone.
but sometimes, you just lose your patience. but what can you do? you dont have to wait for anything... or anyone for that matter. because you have control of your own life. you can do whatever you want in that time that you're wasting your life waiting. and for what? is it really worth the trouble? is it really worth your time? maybe. maybe not. but if its meant to be... then dont stress. things will just go the way they're supposed to go.
and you know what? when whatever you're waiting for misses you... then too bad. because you've got better things to do than wait around. you are SOOOO over it. and besides... if its meant to be.. its meant to be. fate will find a way. it always does. you just have to learn how to trust it.
SO GO! you're FREE. stop wasting time and LIVE YOUR LIFE. (((Live your life at american eagle, this is maria. how can i help you? ugh. work sucks))) there are a billion things to do in this world (and 6 billion people to meet)... why arent you out there doing it? you have the time. you know you can do it. because you can do anything you put your mind to. just think of all that patience you're wasting on WAITING. awwww SCREW IT! really... just screw waiting. you know im right. so just GO.


4.9.02.almost.midnight

hey mark... i thought you rave sober. YOU'RE ROLLIN in this pic! hahahah. and puh-leez dont tell me you werent. you look higher than a muther in that pic. eep eep! you like your surprise? okay. next time ill doorbell.
cingular gipped me of $107.88. WHERE THE HELL IS MY $200 MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!
im beginning to cuss excessively. dont you hate that? why do people feel the need to use such disgusting words? its not like its more expressive. there are better ways to put it... nm. anger is best said w/ profanities. so eat me bitches at cingular. you'd think they save a lot of money with the SHIT service they provide. sheisty ass motherfuckers. GRRRRR!!!!!!

April 9, 2002
density.... is the most irritating trait of the modern male homosapien. FACK!
im in the computer lab. my philosophy midterm is in 15 minutes. i am SUPPOSED to be in my poli sci 320 class. but you know what? im not. because you know why? because i cut out of class to STUDY for my stupid philosophy midterm. and i did... but i gave up halfway through the reading so i can do my online quiz that is due at 5pm.
but i dont care. rene descartes BABBLES. he babbles more than i do. and you know how much i babble. what a conceited bastard. but i guess everyone thought he was smart. just because he verbalized and published shit that we've all thought of before. grr. oh well. its the same thing that im doing right now... except mine isnt required reading. grrr. excuses excuses. suck it up mar. you're just BITTER.


4.8.02.hard.to.believe.its.before.midnight.
how come... that just when you think things are going the way they're supposed to go, everything goes wrong? and just when you think you made a smart decision, reality gives you a sharp slap in the face and tells you "think again, sweetheart. you're kidding yourself." i hate how life likes to give you a good thing, and just give it to you on a silver platter, only to snatch it away the SECOND you make the decision to grab a hold of it.
i guess sometimes you can just fool yourself into believing that what you want is real. sometimes you just want something so bad, and you keep believing that you'll get it.... you just pull a blindfold over your head... and when you realize that you were fooling yourself... its too late to turn back. sometimes i wish i could just be a cynic. and not let anything ever get to me. i know that it would put me in a position of not ever knowing what's really out there... but sometimes, the risk just isnt worth it. i wish i didnt have to learn that the hard way. but even more... i wish that i was right.
but it figures. i always did suck at CHEMISTRY. never could figure that shit out. too many factors. too much unnecessary shit. i shoulda just STOOD UP, walked out, and taken that shit during the regular school year. but how can i be wrong? i was so sure of it. but right now... right now... i dont know. i just dont understand. im in the same situation again. i just feel like making a face, looking down, and peacing out. this time, i dont know for how long.

April 8, 2002
i really have to stop posting so late at night. it throws me off when i write the date down the next day. cuz i SWEAR. its still sunday to me. but technically, its already monday. which means i have to be at work in a few hours. argh. and how much work have i accomplished for the week? well i thought that i would be able to catch up by now.. but i still have JACK SHIT done academics-wise. argh. im so mad at myself. i really need to stop procrastinating.
well anyway, had some boba with genaro tonight. he's still my best friend. he always will be. but for now... right now is a rocky time. i still dont know how to verbalize it all. but i promise.. the SECOND that i can... ill post it. =) and you know i will.
i made an account on findapix.com. check it out. 52govroom.findapix.com but now i get SOO many random messages from the WEIRDEST people. its like asianavenue.com or apartment107 all over again. eep! but its fun rating people. comments are FUN! specially when you're brutally HONEST! im so tired of that "wow you're so cute" bullshit. im SOOO over it. these pricks need to know that people just write how "cute" or "fine" they are so they can hit it. its all about the numbers! favors favors for everyone. its a sick world we live in. im glad im not succumbing to it all. eep.


4.7.02

its 5:17am. AM! damn. i havent been up this late in years. i cant sleep. so much running around in my head. well... no... not in my head.. more like in my heart. because if it was all in my head, then i would be able to verbalize it. but i cant. as of now, i have no clue how to re-iterate to you what i feel. i feel a little more balanced. but still off. not that... well i dont know. i dont feel sleepy tho. i think ill just hang out until tomorrow night. =T im feelin like boba. wish there was a 24 hour joint somewhere in san diego. sucks for me.
oh yeah. jan n big bro. thanks for that. very reassuring. i know. i know. take my own advice. look! i did. proud of me?
im still feeling a little uneasy. everything is different now. i feel like im getting a completely new start. but... baby steps. i just wanna focus now. focus on everything that ive put on the back burner. get my shit straight before i have to start worrying about someone else again. baby steps.
p.s. i took a quiz. it seems that im most like the character Brittany from Daria (the airheaded cheerleader). HEY. just because i say EEP a lot... does NOT mean that my brain is queefing. damnit.


April 7, 2002
okay. DEEP BREATH. me and genaro broke up last night. so how many times have you heard me say that? but we didnt get back together this time. its okay. it was on good terms. it was agreed. we fought too much. we held each other back. and frankly, it just got a little boring. at least there was love. but sometimes, you just need some time away so that love doesnt turn into hate. i dont really know what to say. it just kind of happened. right now, i just need to let it all sink in.
for the past 4 years all ive known is my life with him. we built this foundation. and now... its iffy on whats gonna happen to that foundation. hopefully we can still remain friends. so that all is not lost. i love his family. he loves mine. and our families love us both. you cant throw something like that away. we had plans. we had a baby together (hey. the CAR. okay. geez.) we were practically married. and now... well now... now we wait and see what happens. sit tight with me. im gonna need you on this.


April 6, 2002
has it really been that long since i last posted? sorry for the lag. ive just been caught up in a lot of other stuff lately.
disneyland. happiest place on earth. it seemed so much bigger when we were little. walking through there the other day made it seem like Knotts berry farm. why was it so SMALL??? maybe because the lines werent as long as we expected. or maybe ive become such a heffer that the park just shrank in comparison. but time spent there was time very well spent. it was just jan, mark, big bro, and i. good times. great fun. thanks again for going with me guys.
aftwerwards, we chilled in irvine. well.. lets just say... it was a very interesting night. blogspot has details. but its just a long story. but if you're bored, or if i havent told you everything about disneyland already, then feel free to check up on it. you have the addy right?
damnit. i have work soon. and do you know how much ive accomplished during break? NADA! ZIPP! WALA! i have 5 papers due on tuesday, and i havent even BEGUN to do the research portion of it. guess how many topics i have... NONE!
but my mind isnt set on school. ive got other stuff going on in my head. im thinking that theres a beyond marfiles entry brewing in my head right now. and i got offered an assistant manager position in horton plaza for pacific eyes and tees. i have till mid-april to decide. but i just dotn know how to break it to my current manager. =P i dont know. i just dont know. oh man. the thing i hate most is making a decision between two good things. i HATE it! im a libra. i need balance. there is NO balance in my life right now. okay. no relaly. its time for beyond marfiles.


4.01.02.after.work.
so my mom and i saw a delorion on the road the other day. she said "what's that?" i answered. and she said "i want that. but only a one seater. a seat in the middle. so i wont feel guilty not giving anyone a ride." "um. okay ma." "then i can leave you dad at home. hoy. kalbo. you stay home and watch your grandkids." (ps for those of you non-fobs, kalbo means "bald") and for the rest of the ride home from church, she continually pointed out nice cars/SUVs and told me to buy them for her when she gets old. and gave reasons. i wish my memory didnt suck, cuz otherwise you'd be rollin on the floor laughing. well. i was. not sure about you... but i was dying of laughter.
my big bro isnt online yet. he must still be driving home from six flags. i need to talk to him. so he can get our tickets tomorrow. argghhh. call me when you read this big bro. please please please. i dont care. wake me up for all i care. =)
time for me to SHOP! woop woop!

April 1, 2002

can i just tell you.. that i went to albertsons today and bought a GRIP of candy? THANK YOU LORD! i love it. nummy nummy nummy numm! so lent is over and i can go back to eating all the candy that i want. and i can go back to doing all the shopping that i want. and i can go back to my daily breakfast of nutri grain and red bull. ahhh. the beauty of daily routine. i love it i love it i love it!
found my riding partner too. thanks mark. you're the best. im excited for disneyland now. if my kuya was there. and my pooh bear. it would be PERFECT. but having jan, my big bro, kendog, and mark.... that's just all good. sounds GREAT. im excited. (i know im not exactly vibin it out right now... but its 1am. im excited. trust me on that)
so things are starting to fall into place. just a few more kinks to work out, and its all gravy baby. but only time will tell. just have some patience. im dealing with it. however mundane my blogs may be at times, you know you get a story every once in a while. eep. well. my candy beckons me. its time for me to leave. munch munch munch.