April 24, 2008
it's that time of the year again. when i start to have these feeeeeelings! feeeeeeeeelings, i tell you! it's a horrible, horrible predicament that i absolutely cannot keep myself out of. it's an annual thing. not necessarily at any given point. i just know that it likes to creep up on me and i feel like crap for feeling it.

you know those butterflies that people give you? you know... certain people that you absolutely love to be around. but the situation is... i still havent figured out what these feeeeeeelings ARE! after years and years of trying to figure it out, i still have no clue. i have some kind of clue... but it's one of those things.

for example: i've never been able to act out on them. and if you've known me for a while, i am not a person that holds back when i have feelings for someone. but in this case... i hold back so much because there is such a FEAR! i don't know if it's a fear of rejection or a fear of losing what we have or a fear of being just crushed that he doesnt feel the same way or a fear of ... i don't know. or it could be just a combination of all of the above. which is most likely the case.

maybe because i'm a masochist and it's that time of the year again because i feel like i've been let down again. yes? no? probably not. but any kind of explanation at this point would be magnificent.

[[[[[side bar]]]] danielle was on drive thru today and her butt-nerve was pinched and really wanted to cut out early. she was at the point of delirium so she answered the drive-thru extra extra extra cheery (and she's not the type) and it turned out to be one of my partners. we had a grand ole laugh about it. quite amusing. i love where i am. i really don't want to leave. the other option is (because the current manager is a jackass and is hella bummin it) if i get 19th ave and baseline. because then i'd really have an excuse to keep working with miguel and i have a lot of people in that area that i would love love love love to recruit!) ... end sidebar]]]]]

in any case... i think i'm suffering from depression because my boys are sucking ASS right now. we're tied in last place in the division with the giants. the GIANTS!!!! how very embarrassing!!!! oh good grief. no amount of alcohol can get me out of this slump. only some WINS!!! and my boys to get back to the 300s!!!

speaking of which... i keep spitting stats and game highlights and i think my staff is getting a wee bit sick of it. but they were given ample warning so they shouldn't be complaining.

best friend is taking effect. that's sad. my tolerance is NOTHING like it used to be.


April 23, 2008
i spoke too soon. yesterday i got a call from my district manager and there's an immediate need in a neighboring district. so... in essence, i would most likely be placed within the next month. i don't think i can handle that. i CAN. but i wouldn't feel right leaving my team behind and my store manager with this ginormous amount of work to do and to leave them completely understaffed. i'm not trying to have big-head-syndrome. i'm just tellin it how it is. that would suck balls if i left the team right now.

the good part is.. the ball is in my court. i can probably negotiate a 20% increase or more. ideally, i would like a $5 raise. but that's a 35% increase, and an additional $10K per year. don't get me wrong... it's absolutely feasable. i just don't know if they would give that to me. but maybe it's time to be greedy. then again... i got a 43% increase for my last promotion. so i guess we'll see.

it's just been stressing me out the past couple of days to hear how fast this is all going. i just dont want to get screwed.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! hoffman just allowed a homerun in the ninth inning to tie the game. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.


April 21, 2008
i got a little audacious and thought that i would be able to hem pane's pants and add a cuff. but i snipped them too short, leaving me with very little leeway, and not leaving enough space to fold the cut-part so that the fabric doesn't fray and get all over the place. blah. i don't know how i'm gonna fix it. pane is short, but he's not that short that i can just hem them an inch more to give myself some sewing space. blah. i guess if i took photos, it would make more sense. but i'm so frustrated with myself already that i just don't wanna deal with it anymore. maybe i'll go to Michaels tomorrow and see if it's even fixable. or maybe i'll just pay a seamstress to deal with it. either way, i lose the money on the pants or pay the money gettin them fixed. i opt to get them fixed. because at least then i didn't waste money on pants he never wore.

they're from the gap outlet anyway. not a big loss, but enough to matter.

i have my final assessment on monday. my interview should be a matter of days or a couple of weeks from then. and i'm projected to be out of my current store before summer is over. actually... maybe even at the beginning of summer. crap on a stick! i really don't want to leave my partners. and from where i think they're going to place me, i think that it would be too far for my favorites to transfer over. =*( so sad. so sad.

the good news? it would be closer to my old store, which means i might be able to grab partners from there (cuz they love me! yay)

i don't want to overthink this. location matters, but i'm confident that i'll be placed in a store that i will do well at. here's to hoping that i know my job well enough. from here on, i just need to grow bigger cajones so nobody walks all over me.

cheers! maybe mar will actually make a decent living soon. (decent, not great)


April 17/18, 2008
i'm sitting here waiting for the Rockies/Padres game to be over. SHEESH! okay. so FINALLY in the 14th inning we had points up. the padres loaded the bases. and NOTHING! no walk off. nothing. so now we're in the 17th inning. almost in the 18th. not eight. EIGHTEENTH!!!!i need to go to bed. but i have to shower before i go to bed. but i can't leave NOW! i've already stuck it out for 17 innings! i think the suckiest part is that we're wearing down our bullpen for a VERY IMPORTANT series in arizona tomorrow! and i'm watching as my boys' averages are slowly declining. there's only been 10 hits in the entire game. have i mentioned we're in the 17th inning?

anyhoo. i HAVE to shower before i sleep from now on because i put crap in my hair on a daily basis. if i didn't i'd look like an overgrown mushroom. big, poofy top and everything. i can't wait til this grows out.

unfortunately, i'll still look like a boy no matter what at the 10 year gala. BOO.


April 15, 2008
i had so much planned for today. okay.. i'm lying. i had 3 things planned for today:: shop for 10yr, get my wheels aligned, and get my ring cleaned and polished. each one taking a little over an hour. and i'm here. sitting on my ass. watching daytime television and perusing myspace like i have all the time in the world.

i just need some motivation. but at htis point, i'm just feeling bloated and cranky. hoorah for the menstrual cycle, eh?

that, and i'm hesitating at looking at my current budget. i've been overspending lately and the income isn't as consistent as i would like it to be. in either case, i think i really need to take those few moments and just get it over with. bleh.

or i could just go hang out with my car like i've been trying to for the past few weeks. i have a couple of bulbs on my dash that need replacing. and my wiring has been on the fritz so i should really look into it. but i can't find the wiring diagram for my car, so i've been procrastinating. i'd ask pane to go get it from school.... but we all know how motivated he is at any given time (i.e. not at all, ever.)

whine, whine, crank, crank. you can kiss my bloated, bleeding ass and enjoy it.


April 14, 2008
I had a nice little surprise this morning when i woke up. with all the changes within the female staff at work in recent months, i haven't had the best of luck with my period. so when the cramping started, without the acne, the cold sores, or the bloating... it had me wondering.

let's give a little back story first. So... in the past couple of months, Pane and I have had this idea that maybe we should start trying for a December baby. yes, seriously. I still had my doubts about starting a family so soon, (i still think we should start with a dog) but he's dead set on being done with child-birth by the time we're both 30. first of all.... i still don't understand why he would care how old HE is when we have kids... cuz we all know it's not his down-there that's gonna be ripped to shreds... anyhoo so we've been trying... just not very well. we haven't exactly taken any additional measures to make sure that i get knocked up.

in any case, i got my period today. slightly relieved (because i've been drinking all month.... like i said... i haven't been taking it very seriously) that the responsibility factor isn't going up another giant notch, but a little sad that our effort didn't really do much. (when you start to commit to your hips in the air for a long period of time, then we'll talk)

i don't even know why i'm upset. i shouldn't be. but let's just stick to the usual stand-by::: BLAME THE HORMONES.

although... i'm super relieved because i can still go to my sorority's 10year Gala and enjoy the hell out of it with my best drinking but and a teeny flashy dress. =) but kinda sad that i don't have the pregnancy excuse to use for my weight.

in the end... i'm still shallow as ever.


April 11, 2008
i sat in the dentist chair for a whole THREE hours. and i lived to tell about it. actually... my dentist used some pretty potent stuff. i actually didn't feel much pain. there was a definite disgusting taste in my mouth, and there was a lot of tugging, and pushing, and turning. but it worked out in the end. the silver in my mouth isn't as prominent as it used to be. and my bank account is a whole $1166.89 less. woop dee doo! hahahaha! at least i had insurance this time. so instead of the $3600 plus avondale tax (which is at 8.9%, i think)... i only had to pay a fraction of it. WOO HOO! Aetna dental is AWESOME! so my next project is to replace the remaining 3 silver fillings that are left. but the remaining ones are in good condition, so that'll have to wait a while.

then there's pane's teeth. sheesh. if you think my mouth has been expensive, wait til we start on his. yeesh! i still don't get how someone can skip the dentist upwards of 8 years. daaaaang. that's gonna be some hard work for my poor (super-hot) Dr. Reid!


April 9, 2008
admittedly, i was a little harsh. but it's one of those situations where i just seriously needed to vent or drink. drinking is just not an option because knowing me, i would have ended up in a worse place than i was. probably saying a lot more things that i would seriously regret.

and i guesss i could have been pretty peeved because the dbacks won and we were in an extra innings game with the giants. and to be in an extra innings game with the giants is EMBARRASSING! so yeah... my temper was a little short.

in any case, we're better. i still want to take away his credit card, but whatevs. we'll figure it out.


April 8, 2008
i like to be right. who doesn't, right? but i'm a gracious loser. if someone can prove me wrong, then so be it. I welcome a challenge. it just makes being right that much sweeter when the opposer is proven wrong. and in the case when i'm wrong, then i take it as a learning experience.

but in this case.... AARRRGHHHHH!!!! Pane just bought $380 of stuff for weights. and he's not done shopping. he's planning on spending even more for more equipment. heavy, ugly, equipment he plans to use on our patio. on our first level, street-facing patio in ARIZONA. and he thinks he's going to use it on a daily basis. now: let's just face facts here. first of all...we're in ARIZONA. and summer here is HOT AS HELL. actually, i take that back... it's hotter than hell outside. so.. do you think that the steel will stay cool when it's been sitting in the sun for hours and hours? or better yet... how long do you think it's even going to be around? let's remind everyone how ghetto it is out here. not that we live in the ghetto.... but how often has his car already been stolen? yeah. so $800 in equipment is gonna stay put when we're out of the apartment for most of the day? yeah. i don't think so. then there's the farm across the street. that likes to leave a nice, thick, layer of dust on our patio on a daily basis. and let's not forget that he doesn't even like to be outside because he's too lazy. still don't believe me? (making a sandwich is too much work and takes too much time, according to him. hm.)

i'm frustrated. i'm pissed. i want a fucking divorce at this point.